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<blockquote data-quote="JKF" data-source="post: 621035" data-attributes="member: 12470"><p>I'm sorry it's taken me until this morning to reply. I was so tired and emotionally drained last night and I didn't have the energy to reply although I did read each and every one of your replies several times over. Thank you all so much for your prayers, support, and advice. It helps so much!</p><p></p><p>For those of you who don't know me I've been a fairly active member (sometimes more active than other times) since July 2011 when my then 17 year old son was admitted to the psychiatric hospital after threatening to kill me, himself and others. I've had my ups and downs with him before and since that time - mostly downs - but I've never given up on him. He has a diagnosis of bipolar II, depression, conduct disorder with antisocial traits, PTSD, and possible Asperger's. In October of 2012, at the age of 18, he ran away from the group home he was in, went to another state with a friend, and began his life on the streets. He was arrested there twice for theft, spending approximately 2 weeks in jail each time. He decided to come back to NJ in March of last year. Since then he has had multiple placements, worked with multiple agencies, and has had numerous chances to turn his life around. At one point it became almost a full time job for me (on top of my already full time job, school, and caring for my family) because I was constantly calling social workers, non profits, social services, etc, looking for help for him. By September 2013, things had spiraled to rock bottom for him. He had burned every bridge here. He was banned from all of the shelters and social services had sanctioned him for 6 months meaning no cash assistance or food stamps. So, after many long conversations with my husband and father, we decided that it would be best to send him out to Idaho. He boarded a bus at the end of September and has been there ever since. </p><p></p><p>Obviously that's just the basic shell of our story. It doesn't tell of the many sleepless nights I had in my warm bed while my child was out on the cold streets. The nightmares I had of him dying a thousand different deaths. It doesn't explain my nearly nervous breakdown from the guilt, fear, and emotional turmoil inflicted upon me each and every time he messed up yet another new beginning. It doesn't even begin to hint at how my marriage and relationship with my now 13 year old son suffered greatly because every ounce of my being was focused on helping and "saving" difficult child. If I were to sit here and write every single agonizing detail I would have a 300 page book. </p><p></p><p>And here we are today. difficult child has not been arrested yet but I'm sure it's coming. He's going to leave his new beginning - a warm, safe apartment of his own- and go back to either jail or a shelter and once again be homeless. It's sad and heart wrenching but I'm calm. There's none of that "need to save him" mentality anymore. I'm not letting the sadness, fear, and guilt take over again like I've done so many times in the past. I feel separated from it and that's how I can tell I've grown by leaps and bounds since this journey began. I know I'll have my moments of weakness and there will be times when the grief hits me so hard I'll feel as if I've been punched in the gut but I 'll be able to endure those moments and move on. I won't enable anymore and I won't let this destroy my life or the lives of those around me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JKF, post: 621035, member: 12470"] I'm sorry it's taken me until this morning to reply. I was so tired and emotionally drained last night and I didn't have the energy to reply although I did read each and every one of your replies several times over. Thank you all so much for your prayers, support, and advice. It helps so much! For those of you who don't know me I've been a fairly active member (sometimes more active than other times) since July 2011 when my then 17 year old son was admitted to the psychiatric hospital after threatening to kill me, himself and others. I've had my ups and downs with him before and since that time - mostly downs - but I've never given up on him. He has a diagnosis of bipolar II, depression, conduct disorder with antisocial traits, PTSD, and possible Asperger's. In October of 2012, at the age of 18, he ran away from the group home he was in, went to another state with a friend, and began his life on the streets. He was arrested there twice for theft, spending approximately 2 weeks in jail each time. He decided to come back to NJ in March of last year. Since then he has had multiple placements, worked with multiple agencies, and has had numerous chances to turn his life around. At one point it became almost a full time job for me (on top of my already full time job, school, and caring for my family) because I was constantly calling social workers, non profits, social services, etc, looking for help for him. By September 2013, things had spiraled to rock bottom for him. He had burned every bridge here. He was banned from all of the shelters and social services had sanctioned him for 6 months meaning no cash assistance or food stamps. So, after many long conversations with my husband and father, we decided that it would be best to send him out to Idaho. He boarded a bus at the end of September and has been there ever since. Obviously that's just the basic shell of our story. It doesn't tell of the many sleepless nights I had in my warm bed while my child was out on the cold streets. The nightmares I had of him dying a thousand different deaths. It doesn't explain my nearly nervous breakdown from the guilt, fear, and emotional turmoil inflicted upon me each and every time he messed up yet another new beginning. It doesn't even begin to hint at how my marriage and relationship with my now 13 year old son suffered greatly because every ounce of my being was focused on helping and "saving" difficult child. If I were to sit here and write every single agonizing detail I would have a 300 page book. And here we are today. difficult child has not been arrested yet but I'm sure it's coming. He's going to leave his new beginning - a warm, safe apartment of his own- and go back to either jail or a shelter and once again be homeless. It's sad and heart wrenching but I'm calm. There's none of that "need to save him" mentality anymore. I'm not letting the sadness, fear, and guilt take over again like I've done so many times in the past. I feel separated from it and that's how I can tell I've grown by leaps and bounds since this journey began. I know I'll have my moments of weakness and there will be times when the grief hits me so hard I'll feel as if I've been punched in the gut but I 'll be able to endure those moments and move on. I won't enable anymore and I won't let this destroy my life or the lives of those around me. [/QUOTE]
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