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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 464977" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>justtired. </p><p></p><p>YOU hold <u><strong>yourself</strong></u> hostage and <u><strong>have</strong></u> for several years. You admitted it in your first post to us. I think that is probably the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and your son. You said "I probably screwed up." I file that under the "I should have" scenario, which is akin to the "What I would have done had I known to do any better, but I didn't, so I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and it's time to forgive myself and move on." life-deal. </p><p></p><p>You also need to stop. Stop feeling sorry for him. Stop enabling him to steal. Stop giving him permission to walk all over you. Stop holding you in fear in your OWN home. Let me ask you something. HOW MUCH of what you own did HE work for? (answer to yourself) How much of WHAT length of YOUR LIFE has he participated in growing your business? (answer to yourself). Now if your son were say a person that was (not a relative - a guy off the streets) that you hired; HOW LONG would you put up with that person stealing from the business you built, put your life into and grew? (answer to yourself). Would you have instead? Had a talk with him? Accepted a letter from that person saying "OH Mr. and Mrs. Justtired - I swear on a stack of pancakes I will never, ever, ever, ever do it again, I swear - and ps I love you." (smiley face, kitten, rainbow)? And accepted that on good faith that he'd never skim your till again? (answer THAT to yourself) Then answer me - Are you that naive? (are you laughing too?) </p><p></p><p>My point here isn't to jab a finger in your eye and say "OH my GOSH how silly can this gal be?" because well if silly were an award Goodness Knows first prize would surely belong to me for licking the beaters on that mixer of the red velvet cake with the thing still plugged in and hitting the on button. Didn't know you could bruise a tongue did you? Me EITHER!! (are you laughing too?) My point is - leopards don't change their spots just because they write their Mom and Dad's letters at age 24. He's just going to be "more creative" - causing you to be "en pointe" and adding MORE stress to your already stressed out self. Seriously - it's not going to stop, he's just going to get better at it. </p><p></p><p>A few things come to mind in dealing with thieves. First of all - you can remove the temptations - and you can confront them, but only in your place of business. This has become a very lucrative side-business for him. If you suspect he's gambling then THAT is the problem, but it is WHO's problem? His - (right!) You also have to really be honest with yourselves; talking you and husband here. First off - someone mentioned at 24 - he should not be living at home, if he is he should have RESPONSIBILITIES. Since he has none - he seems to have all this cash to "go play with." Essentially - he's his own worst enemy. You could throw him out - today - but well, I'm not in that camp of extreme tough love. I like - camp - "YOU work for me...I suspect you are stealing, and I'm ..........</p><p></p><p>1.) Going to get a safe for all my cash - you do not get the combination - it will be emptied nightly, deposits will be made. </p><p>2.) I'm having a professional nanny-cam installed that live-feeds to my lap top at home and points DIRECTLY at the till. I'm not telling you. And YOU will never see the invoice for the work. </p><p>3.) I will have Secret shoppers come in with marked bills - and I swear by God Almighty - if we sit home and see you pocket the cash? YOU ARE OUT ON YOUR KIESTER SO FAST? I'll even bring your bags with me - I'll quote professor Snape "TURN OUT YOUR POCKETS." then hand you your possessions. </p><p>4.) Before I enact rule 3 - WE WILL sit down and make out rules and consequences so you KNOW we are SEVERELY sincere in our NO THEFT policy. WE may not call the police (your choice) but - you will be out of our house and I will have a locksmith on SPEED DIAL - 24/7 - you will get bus or cab fare to the local Mens shelter which we will ALSO have on speed dial. Yup it will stink - YUP we will go through with it. Steal from me once - shame on you -----Steal from me twice - OUT YOU GO. </p><p>5.) As per the rest of our contract. And you can amend this depending on your own feelings.....At 24 - You will pay YOUR portion of the rent, utilities, and food. THIS DOES NOT give you ANY (repeat) ANY rights whatsoever to EMINENT DOMAIN in MY HOME. This gives you the right to a bed, lights, water and food we buy. OUR HOME OUR RULES APPLY. IF as parents you want to "sock" his portion of the paid amount away and hand it to him later? Do so - if not - Use it for Cabo. (change the locks after he moves out to his own place on a pre-determined date) </p><p>6.) What IS that pre-determined date? (name it, write it, stick to it) </p><p></p><p>See this is THE CONTRACT/THE RULES / YOUR CONSEQUENCES. </p><p></p><p>7.) You and husband.........GET THEEEEEE TO A THERAPIST.........ASAP. Start openly talking about your guilt----WHY you still allow a 24 year old MAN......to RUN YOUR LIFE.....RUIN your life........and CONTROL YOUR WORLD.......make you SLEEP IN A LOCKED ROOM......WHAT DOES HAPPEN WHEN YOU THROW (if you want to put that word out there) MAKE THEM LEAVE OF THEIR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE THEY WILL SIMPLY NOT ABIDE BY THE HOUSE RULES YOU SET WHICH ARE NOT THAT STINKING DIFFICULT AND CERTAINLY A LOT LESS COMPLEX THAN THOSE OF A LANDLORD, or society.....(sorry not mean to yell but they really push buttons) .......ahem. </p><p></p><p>8.) No seriously - GET A THERAPIST and GO......both of you - it will FELL SOOOOOOOOOOO FREEEEEEEEEEING.........FREE.............FREEEEEEEE I tell you...........WONDERFUL LIBERATING..........You'll think you hit the parental lottery and get tips from an expert on how to level the playing field and deal with this "intruder" -------your son. AND it (oh really) HELPS HIM BECOME A MAN.......(slaps hand over mouth) OMG - he's NOT a child.....you DON'T have to feel SORRY for him because he's OMG dyslexic. THERE IS HELP. AND YOU CAN GIVE IT TO HIM - even 24 years later. Honest to Pete. I swear it. And .......it will NOT.........kill......either of you. </p><p></p><p>The knife to the throat? DRAMA. The last time my son did that? I grabbed a bigger one and said TRY THIS ONE.......I mean honestly. He pretended to swallow a bottle of pills. I had an ambulance come and get him - and refused to ride with him. The ambulance drivers and EMTs were like???????? WTH? I said - "JUST TAKE HIM......pump his stomach or whatever.....I mean IF you get him there on time.....He wants to die so bad....I see no reason for me to get there quick, fast and in a hurry - Know what I mean? guys?" and we got to the ER about 1/2 and hour later to a child that was refusing charcoal, making the doctor mad, and got a 72 hour hold, and a LOT of attention. There are -----ARE true and serious cases so I'm not making light of it - I've just had my share in my life with threats of it. The last person to tell me they wanted to take their life with a knife? I went and got a machette....and chased them with it.....yelling - "I just want to help - hacking bits out of trees.....and "well I thought you wanted to die?" ----kinda takes all the drama out of it when the person who wanted to die is screaming - STOP STOP - you're scaring me!" I mean how scared can you be? You wanted to die? Insert horribly concerned face......and confusion. I just wanted to help. </p><p></p><p>I hope in here something makes you know - that YOU are going to find the warrior Mom inside of you - that has a voice (although I pray it's not with a machette) and realizes how absolutely WONDERFUL of a person you truly are. YOU did not mess him up, or over-protect him. YOU RAISED a child that had choices. He has a choice EVER SINGLE TIME he opens that drawer and takes a dollar bill - and puts it either in his pocket and out of your business that you've worked y;our life for - OR in his pocket/greedy/uncaring/lazy/ungrateful/as if it was owed to him......and slaps your face - because you're already giving him SO much. I know kids his age that would literally cry for the chance to have a week of what he's being given and he really takes advantage of you and your husband. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing to know what a good thing he really had. The only people that can make that happen in his life are you. The only WAY that is going to happen is if you make some changes. The only way changes are going to happen is if YOU and husband make some committments working with a professional who can GIVE YOU the 411 and insights - because there will be FALL OUT - and you're going to need some answers - and solid professional knowledgable ---here's our whole story kind of answers ---and you're only going to get those I'm afraid from a therapist that knows you, husband and the whole enchilada. </p><p></p><p>again - just my .03 cents worth ----and do not fear the jungle knife ------I was so far away from her....lol. Such a drama queen.......but she's never threatened to kill herself since. I think she's 1/2 afraid her Mother will call me. lol. that and she went to therapy. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love - and understanding.....</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 464977, member: 4964"] justtired. YOU hold [U][B]yourself[/B][/U] hostage and [U][B]have[/B][/U] for several years. You admitted it in your first post to us. I think that is probably the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and your son. You said "I probably screwed up." I file that under the "I should have" scenario, which is akin to the "What I would have done had I known to do any better, but I didn't, so I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and it's time to forgive myself and move on." life-deal. You also need to stop. Stop feeling sorry for him. Stop enabling him to steal. Stop giving him permission to walk all over you. Stop holding you in fear in your OWN home. Let me ask you something. HOW MUCH of what you own did HE work for? (answer to yourself) How much of WHAT length of YOUR LIFE has he participated in growing your business? (answer to yourself). Now if your son were say a person that was (not a relative - a guy off the streets) that you hired; HOW LONG would you put up with that person stealing from the business you built, put your life into and grew? (answer to yourself). Would you have instead? Had a talk with him? Accepted a letter from that person saying "OH Mr. and Mrs. Justtired - I swear on a stack of pancakes I will never, ever, ever, ever do it again, I swear - and ps I love you." (smiley face, kitten, rainbow)? And accepted that on good faith that he'd never skim your till again? (answer THAT to yourself) Then answer me - Are you that naive? (are you laughing too?) My point here isn't to jab a finger in your eye and say "OH my GOSH how silly can this gal be?" because well if silly were an award Goodness Knows first prize would surely belong to me for licking the beaters on that mixer of the red velvet cake with the thing still plugged in and hitting the on button. Didn't know you could bruise a tongue did you? Me EITHER!! (are you laughing too?) My point is - leopards don't change their spots just because they write their Mom and Dad's letters at age 24. He's just going to be "more creative" - causing you to be "en pointe" and adding MORE stress to your already stressed out self. Seriously - it's not going to stop, he's just going to get better at it. A few things come to mind in dealing with thieves. First of all - you can remove the temptations - and you can confront them, but only in your place of business. This has become a very lucrative side-business for him. If you suspect he's gambling then THAT is the problem, but it is WHO's problem? His - (right!) You also have to really be honest with yourselves; talking you and husband here. First off - someone mentioned at 24 - he should not be living at home, if he is he should have RESPONSIBILITIES. Since he has none - he seems to have all this cash to "go play with." Essentially - he's his own worst enemy. You could throw him out - today - but well, I'm not in that camp of extreme tough love. I like - camp - "YOU work for me...I suspect you are stealing, and I'm .......... 1.) Going to get a safe for all my cash - you do not get the combination - it will be emptied nightly, deposits will be made. 2.) I'm having a professional nanny-cam installed that live-feeds to my lap top at home and points DIRECTLY at the till. I'm not telling you. And YOU will never see the invoice for the work. 3.) I will have Secret shoppers come in with marked bills - and I swear by God Almighty - if we sit home and see you pocket the cash? YOU ARE OUT ON YOUR KIESTER SO FAST? I'll even bring your bags with me - I'll quote professor Snape "TURN OUT YOUR POCKETS." then hand you your possessions. 4.) Before I enact rule 3 - WE WILL sit down and make out rules and consequences so you KNOW we are SEVERELY sincere in our NO THEFT policy. WE may not call the police (your choice) but - you will be out of our house and I will have a locksmith on SPEED DIAL - 24/7 - you will get bus or cab fare to the local Mens shelter which we will ALSO have on speed dial. Yup it will stink - YUP we will go through with it. Steal from me once - shame on you -----Steal from me twice - OUT YOU GO. 5.) As per the rest of our contract. And you can amend this depending on your own feelings.....At 24 - You will pay YOUR portion of the rent, utilities, and food. THIS DOES NOT give you ANY (repeat) ANY rights whatsoever to EMINENT DOMAIN in MY HOME. This gives you the right to a bed, lights, water and food we buy. OUR HOME OUR RULES APPLY. IF as parents you want to "sock" his portion of the paid amount away and hand it to him later? Do so - if not - Use it for Cabo. (change the locks after he moves out to his own place on a pre-determined date) 6.) What IS that pre-determined date? (name it, write it, stick to it) See this is THE CONTRACT/THE RULES / YOUR CONSEQUENCES. 7.) You and husband.........GET THEEEEEE TO A THERAPIST.........ASAP. Start openly talking about your guilt----WHY you still allow a 24 year old MAN......to RUN YOUR LIFE.....RUIN your life........and CONTROL YOUR WORLD.......make you SLEEP IN A LOCKED ROOM......WHAT DOES HAPPEN WHEN YOU THROW (if you want to put that word out there) MAKE THEM LEAVE OF THEIR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE THEY WILL SIMPLY NOT ABIDE BY THE HOUSE RULES YOU SET WHICH ARE NOT THAT STINKING DIFFICULT AND CERTAINLY A LOT LESS COMPLEX THAN THOSE OF A LANDLORD, or society.....(sorry not mean to yell but they really push buttons) .......ahem. 8.) No seriously - GET A THERAPIST and GO......both of you - it will FELL SOOOOOOOOOOO FREEEEEEEEEEING.........FREE.............FREEEEEEEE I tell you...........WONDERFUL LIBERATING..........You'll think you hit the parental lottery and get tips from an expert on how to level the playing field and deal with this "intruder" -------your son. AND it (oh really) HELPS HIM BECOME A MAN.......(slaps hand over mouth) OMG - he's NOT a child.....you DON'T have to feel SORRY for him because he's OMG dyslexic. THERE IS HELP. AND YOU CAN GIVE IT TO HIM - even 24 years later. Honest to Pete. I swear it. And .......it will NOT.........kill......either of you. The knife to the throat? DRAMA. The last time my son did that? I grabbed a bigger one and said TRY THIS ONE.......I mean honestly. He pretended to swallow a bottle of pills. I had an ambulance come and get him - and refused to ride with him. The ambulance drivers and EMTs were like???????? WTH? I said - "JUST TAKE HIM......pump his stomach or whatever.....I mean IF you get him there on time.....He wants to die so bad....I see no reason for me to get there quick, fast and in a hurry - Know what I mean? guys?" and we got to the ER about 1/2 and hour later to a child that was refusing charcoal, making the doctor mad, and got a 72 hour hold, and a LOT of attention. There are -----ARE true and serious cases so I'm not making light of it - I've just had my share in my life with threats of it. The last person to tell me they wanted to take their life with a knife? I went and got a machette....and chased them with it.....yelling - "I just want to help - hacking bits out of trees.....and "well I thought you wanted to die?" ----kinda takes all the drama out of it when the person who wanted to die is screaming - STOP STOP - you're scaring me!" I mean how scared can you be? You wanted to die? Insert horribly concerned face......and confusion. I just wanted to help. I hope in here something makes you know - that YOU are going to find the warrior Mom inside of you - that has a voice (although I pray it's not with a machette) and realizes how absolutely WONDERFUL of a person you truly are. YOU did not mess him up, or over-protect him. YOU RAISED a child that had choices. He has a choice EVER SINGLE TIME he opens that drawer and takes a dollar bill - and puts it either in his pocket and out of your business that you've worked y;our life for - OR in his pocket/greedy/uncaring/lazy/ungrateful/as if it was owed to him......and slaps your face - because you're already giving him SO much. I know kids his age that would literally cry for the chance to have a week of what he's being given and he really takes advantage of you and your husband. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing to know what a good thing he really had. The only people that can make that happen in his life are you. The only WAY that is going to happen is if you make some changes. The only way changes are going to happen is if YOU and husband make some committments working with a professional who can GIVE YOU the 411 and insights - because there will be FALL OUT - and you're going to need some answers - and solid professional knowledgable ---here's our whole story kind of answers ---and you're only going to get those I'm afraid from a therapist that knows you, husband and the whole enchilada. again - just my .03 cents worth ----and do not fear the jungle knife ------I was so far away from her....lol. Such a drama queen.......but she's never threatened to kill herself since. I think she's 1/2 afraid her Mother will call me. lol. that and she went to therapy. Hugs & Love - and understanding..... Star [/QUOTE]
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