Where is our saved topic on Detachment?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I want to use it in my parent support meeting and can't fidndit. Does anyone know where it is? I tried doing a search under detach but couldn't locate it.
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Rats. I can't find it for you. I know it is referenced in someone's signature...can't remember who! I tried Archives of SA and PE with-o success. I put "detachment" in the search but only got posts that referenced the word. Sorry, Nancy.
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I found this in the Archives in the signature of Suz. Don't know if it's THE ONE but the best I can do. Hugs DDD
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you both :)
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, Suz's link no longer takes you to the article on detachment. I don't know where it went. It was great and I tried to find it recently but the link now takes you to a different place. There is a page on detachment but it is not the same one that Suz's link used to take us to.

    I wonder if anyone downloaded it and saved it. As I recall, it was multiple pages.

    ~Kathy
     
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hmmm ok I'll look around. Thanks Kathy.
     
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Nancy,

    In case the link is still in my signature, I thought I'd say hi and we can check :)

    Suz
     
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hmmm....link is there but no longer is ATTACHED to the article. It must have detached (wink). Dang. I'll look around to see if I have it somewhere else.

    Suz
     
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Suz. Good to see you.
     
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Thanks, Nancy. Fall (and Spring) is my busy time of year at work so I haven't checked in for weeks. It's winding up now, thank goodness!

    I seem to recall that it was saved in the General Archives- but that would have been years ago. I tried to search them but it didn't pull anything up.

    Suz
     
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I looked there too Suz and couldn't find anything but will keep looking. Thanks for checking,

    Nancy
     
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Suz is that the one? I don't remember it being in this format?

    Perhaps I am just losing my mind. Perhaps there are just a lot more ads on it than I remember. Anyway thank you all.
     
  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nancy I have a few I copied and pasted into my journal - do these ring a bell?

    If you're enabling your adult child, Allison Bottke's "ten commandments" could help you break that negative pattern.
    1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.
    2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child.
    3. You shall not accept excuses.
    4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
    5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so.
    6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.
    7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
    8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your HP.
    9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.
    10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY:
    S = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
    A = Assemble a support group
    N = Nip excuses in the bud
    I = Implement boundaries
    T = Trust your instincts
    Y = Yield everything to God.
    Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke.=

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Parents; Thought Process


    We must decide beforehand--as best we can--what we will do and how we will react to situations that occur today.

    I have been created in the image of God and I must consider what that means. If I lose sight of this, then I lose sight of my need for God to be working in my life.

    I prepare for anything. I will not be naive about my child's abuse. I will try to anticipate surprises.

    I will endeavor not to give into the naive hope that the situation is not as bad as it genuinely is.

    I will recognize that it is a most delicate balance between living in faith for my child's future and accepting the reality of the situation.

    I will endeavor to remember that love hopes the best and that without faith it is impossible to please God while remembering the gravity of the situation and the reality of the data about drugs.

    I will endeavor to understand that this type of crisis builds or diminishes faith

    I will endeavor to remember that a crisis is a test of character and measures one's willingness to grow.

    I will commit to doing the hard work of living one day at a time.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Phrases to use that acknowledge but do not engage:
    I'm projecting my difficult child will continue to say things such as:
    "I am an adult why do I have a curfew (need to tell you where I am etc)?"
    "Other parents are fine with their kids drinking and smoking, you're the ones with the problem"
    Pot is legal in many places and will be legal here soon!
    "Most people (or you did) party in college and they are FINE"
    "If you let me do what I want, none of this would have happened"
    "I had to lie to you because you wouldn't have wanted me to do it"
    "You refuse to compromise" (ha, as if - we've compromised so much that we are dizzy)
    "It's your fault because (you are too controlling, you breathe oxygen, your eyes are brown, you care too much, you care too little, you don't live in the real world, you are fake, this family is dysfunctional, you took me to FL instead of Aspen etc)


    This is your fault: why can't you (be like other parents?) (let me live my own life)


    "I know you feel that we're not your ideal parents. (resist to insert we know how you feel) . How do you think you should cope with that?


    Pot will be legal (is legal elsewhere)


    That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"


    "I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."


    "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out."


    "That sounds like an interesting idea."


    "Good for you, honey!"


    "How are you handling that?"


    "How does he/she feel?"


    "I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."


    "I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."


    "Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"


    "I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."


    "That must make you feel good."


    "That must make you feel bad."


    "How does that make you feel?"


    "What's your opinion?"


    "I'm so sorry, honey."
     
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank's Sig, those are all helpful.
     
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, it's been so long since I've read it that I don't remember either. :rofl:

    It is definitely in a different format from the one we are thinking of.

    Suz
     
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Haha thanks Suz, I thought I was going crazy because it doesn't look like it did.
     
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