Where is the emotion??

[Jody]

My father is in the hospital dying. His heart stopped twice yesterday. His blood pressure keeps going so low that it is causing his heart to stop. He has Parkinsons and has been declining rapidly this year from what I hear. My father and I were so close when I was younger. Our relationship has been estranged for 20 years. He has come for an occasional visit to see his grandaughters but very rarely. Those visits stopped about 10 years ago. I tried to make contact with him a couple of months ago, but he wasn't having it, basically said why are you calling now, you haven't called in two years. I got a call from my nephew last night, my brother's son who just found out about us last year. My parents, brother and sister have hid me and my kids from all of their grandchildren totally, like we didn't even exist. I never knew that until a couple of years ago and it hurt terribly, thus no call to my dad.

My problem is this, I am not feeling anything, and not sure that I will. I loved him so much, he was the person who saved me a lot of the time from my mother, he was all the good memories of my childhood. Yet nothing, Is it coming when he actually dies, is it hidden, is it not there? I don't know if I will cry. Will I leave work, or just continue to work on like nothing has happened? I am scared of the unknown a little bit. I would rather know how I am going to feel. I just don't know what to do, panicking a little here I guess.

 

[Star*]

Jody,

It would be nearly impossible to tell you how you're going to feel, but I would suspect that the mere fact you are reaching out to people that you know who DO care about you? Is a sign that you do feel something, and there's nothing wrong with remembering, and mourning the Daddy that you used to have, and the one that protected you, and the one that loved you very much.

I think there are oddities in every family, and there is also mental illness, and pride - stubborn foolish pride. Some people live their whole lives until the end so cemented in their beliefs because of ONE event and it keeps them from a LIFETIME of other wonderful things. I've found over the course of many years - you can't do much to change people like that - try as you might. You can ONLY constantly be who you are, and be secure in who you are, knowing you did nothing wrong, and everything you could to keep a relationship going. Death often gives us a time to reflect on our regrets - when it should be our daily life that we take the time before we go to bed to say "Did I do everything I could today to be the best I could be? Yes, NO - Okay I'll try harder tomorrow, and move on from there and do so.

Wouldn't begin to tell you what you should feel in regards to the loss of your Father, estranged or not - but since you do have some wonderful memories of HIM, and this is his time to go and make his amends? I would remember the good things about him and be as joyful as you can. With regards to your Aunt and Uncle? It could go either way - you could have cousins that want to have a relationship or not. My thougth would be if you and they did? Wonderful - if they didn't? Their loss - the short time I've known you here? I've found you to be a wonderful, charasmatic, funny,caring person - and I also know that blood doesn't necessarily make a good relation. I've met nicer people here on the board than in real life - and ones I would miss more that I have never met should anything happen to them. More family than I was born into.

I am so sorry for the confusion on top of your sorrow today, but hopefully you will find some peace in these words and know no matter where you are in this world I'm sure your Dad has always loved you. How you choose to honor YOUR memories of him is up to you, not ANYONES perception of how you should, but just yours.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Jody]

Thanks Star,

I called him at the hospital, He told me he loved me, and I told him that I loved him and I was sorry, he said Sorry for what? he said things just happen sometimes. He said he loved me again, and I told him that his grandaughters loved him too and he said i know, I love them, I told him he was a good Dad to me and that I missed him. We said goodbye and he said take care of yourself honey. Those are my last words from my dad. well the emotions are here. I hope I can hear that conversation for the rest of my life. That is the second time he has said that he loved me in my life. I want to hear it forever.

 

[InsaneCdn]

{{hugs}}

 

[busywend]

I am sorry for you. What an awful way to have life go. At least you had that conversation.

One never knows how they will react. I broke down at my father's funeral. We had been estranged for many years, but re-communicated in the last few years of his life. Although my last words to him were F U and his back to me. He was really not a good father or person for that matter. But, I cried nonetheless. I can not explain it. Just let yourself do what you need to do. Don't be surprised by any feeling and be good to yourself!

HUGS!

 

[DDD]

I'm so very glad that you were able to share that conversation with him. You may not remember it word for word but you will always remember that he was warm and welcomed you into his heart near the end of his life. Hugs. DDD

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi Jody,
It was good of you to call your dad, and I'm sure you'll cherish the memory of your conversation forever. Hugs to you, and peace.

 

[Jody]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am very happy to have had that conversation with my Dad. I am so glad that he didn't treat me badly or I would have had to remember that as our last conversation.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs, Jody.

 

[Star*]

That must have been a very difficult call to make, and I wish one of us could have been there to give you a hug or support you or just let you cry on our shoulder when you were off the phone. Just know - I was thinking about you today and kept you in my thoughts all day long.

I'm sure your Dad did too. How fortunate was he today and what a gift you gave him to know in his heart you loved him unconditionally, and he you. What fortunate souls to connect again before it was too late. How proud he must be of you for that.

 

[Signorina]

{{{{hugs to you}}}}

 

[tiredmommy]

(((Hugs))) We all feel things differently and grieve at our own pace. I'm glad you had one last positive experience with your father and I hope it brings you comfort for years to come.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jody- so very sorry to hear about your Dad and yet I'm happy you had the last positive conversation with him. My Dad died almost 20 years ago and I still recall the last conversations with him and how important they were to me. It's what we hang on to, I understand that. I recall a therapist telling me once that we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong, for some it's immediate, for others it happens months later. The day my Dad died, I went for a run and wondered why the day was so normal, why didn't something dramatic happen? It felt so strange. I think knowing he loved you and that he was able to say it is a wonderful memory for you. And, that you got to say it to him too. I hope you find peace in this ending. God bless you.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))) Jody

Everyone grieves in their own way in their own time. I'm willing to bet you will feel the loss, eventually. I'm venturing to guess that you're in a state of shock to a certain degree right now. I would just be right now and not worry so much about what you should or shouldn't feel. This is a lot to process all at once.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[witzend]

Jody, I think you have already done your grieving for the loss of your father. He will pass from this world soon, but he passed from your world a while ago. It doesn't mean you loved him any less, just that the active part of your love for him was done. You still love him, he won't ever not be your father. It's just the way things are, and from what you have said, it is a pact you both made with each other.

FWIW, that you're wondering why you don't feel more strongly about it tells me that you are feeling strongly. It's just not what you expected it would be.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

No words of wisdom, just want to let you know I'm thinking you... Hugs... SFR

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Jody}}} Just sending along some warm thoughts for peace, warm love and joy. We all respond and grieve in our own way; sometimes immediately, often later. I'm glad you were able to make that call and have those last words with your Dad.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Jody.
I am so glad you called and spoke with-him.
So glad it worked out. So glad you both have closure.
Who knows? Maybe he felt badly about being snippy during your first call. And he was ready to make up when you called yesterday. He is at peace with-his Parkinson's and his impending death, it would seem.
Many hugs.