My father is in the hospital dying. His heart stopped twice yesterday. His blood pressure keeps going so low that it is causing his heart to stop. He has Parkinsons and has been declining rapidly this year from what I hear. My father and I were so close when I was younger. Our relationship has been estranged for 20 years. He has come for an occasional visit to see his grandaughters but very rarely. Those visits stopped about 10 years ago. I tried to make contact with him a couple of months ago, but he wasn't having it, basically said why are you calling now, you haven't called in two years. I got a call from my nephew last night, my brother's son who just found out about us last year. My parents, brother and sister have hid me and my kids from all of their grandchildren totally, like we didn't even exist. I never knew that until a couple of years ago and it hurt terribly, thus no call to my dad. My problem is this, I am not feeling anything, and not sure that I will. I loved him so much, he was the person who saved me a lot of the time from my mother, he was all the good memories of my childhood. Yet nothing, Is it coming when he actually dies, is it hidden, is it not there? I don't know if I will cry. Will I leave work, or just continue to work on like nothing has happened? I am scared of the unknown a little bit. I would rather know how I am going to feel. I just don't know what to do, panicking a little here I guess.