Where is the love? Can't even find that right now!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, May 3, 2010.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    How do you know if you still love them??? After all of these years, and all of this torment in every day life, I know that there isn't much at all if anything that I like about my child. There is so much guilt and anger associated with that statement. Looking at her is getting harder and harder every day. I cannot stand to be around her. She is almost always mean and if she's not being mean she's being manipulative. Everything we do is ruined because of her nasty, mouth and behavior. No responsibility for anything, the lies, excuses, I'm sorry. I hate to even hear it come out of her mouth. It makes me almost physically sick to hear those words. I am in no way celebrating her birthday next month. Not even acknowledging it. I just don't feel I can. I can't celebrate something that has caused such great pain. I have begun to go back to church. I want to be able to work thru some of this, but I can't seem to let it go. It feels impossible because she is still doing it everyday. I make a few steps in the right direction, go home and there she is talking crazy, I do mean crazy.

    She spilled a whole pitcher of grape kool-aid on the floor, and she left it there, She said I cleaned up the spill the last time, something got knocked over, your turn. Who does that. I would have cleaned that up so fast so my mother would not have known. I said get the mop and clean it up, she said nope not going to, do it yourself. I am already not doing anything for her period. NOTHING. What do you do from here? I can't live like this for 6 more years. I am going to stay off the Parent Emeritus Board. I thought I was getting prepared for what was to come when she turns 18, but it justs scares me. I want to be detached asap if she doesn't make some changes and quick.

    I often dream of this different life without her in it. I want to live near my Cousins and Aunt/Uncle. They are about 2 1/2 miles away. I dream of a nice clean apartment with my dog, and a nice patio for flowers. I keep thinking one day. It will be here soon. I dream and think of getting up and not having her yell at me or my dog. Those morning when she stays at my best friends house are the best days, no tension or mean words, no YELLING and temper tantrums. I think the only way to survive this is to stay away from her as much as I possibly can. I hate that and it's not what I want, but for my mental health/physical health, I just think it's best to try and survive these next several years with minimal contact.
  2. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    {{{hugs}}} Sorry!
  3. LostMama

    LostMama Guest

    Oh Jody, I don't have the answers as we are struggling right now, too. It is hard work to love someone who is mean and nasty. The only thing that is giving us hope right now is following a program that hubby & I attended a while back. Step one is displaying acts of love & affection every day...even if you don't feel like it. I never realized how out of the habit this had gotten for us. We would allow our anger to prevent our love from showing and our difficult child felt unloved and unlovable. We are making tiny baby steps. The poor behavior is still there but I now have hope and that's a huge thing. If anything, I feel like we are growing as parents and learning ways to cope with the poor behavior.

    Dealing with our difficult child kind of reminds me of that movie about the failing marriage with Kirk Cameron. Have you seen that? Anyhow, their marriage was on the verge of failure but when he started changing his behavior by doing small things for his wife every day...she started changing, too, and their marriage was saved.

    I don't mean to simplify things but I am holding onto hope that if we make small changes in how we deal with our difficult child...that our relationship with her will be saved...that she will feel loved and will stop the self-destructive and explosive behavior.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jody, I am sorry you are so terribly totally stressed right now. Our difficult children sure can suck the life and enjoyment out of almost anything, can't they?

    Do you see a therapist? We are always here, but a therapist can give another point of view and other tools to help handle things. From your post I think you may find it helpful, if for no other reason than to reassure yourself that you are NOT crazy. You also may want/need to speak to your doctor about this. Many of us have needed the help of medications for depression and anxiety, etc... because life with a difficult child is just that awful. PLEASE talk to your doctor if you haven't. If you are taking medications, they may need tweaking. This is NOT to minimize the problems with difficult child, or to say you are nuts. This is simply to preserve whatever peace of mind and enjoyment of life that you can. Wiz would not have lived to age 12 if I had not been on prozac. Truly would NOT have survived. I saw the doctor when I realized I was either going to have a heart attack or stroke out from the pressure and strain or have my own psychotic break and murder him. I was WAY closer to that edge than I ever dreamed I would be. Prozac and xanax made a HUGE difference. HUGE.

    As for things like the koolaid, WOW. She is certainly a difficult child. Seems to me like there would only be water to drink even if I had to put a chain and padlock around the fridge. I really don't have many suggestions to handle her, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

    I think it is pretty normal to dream of life with-o your kids. My mom used to read the classified ads for jobs in the rich part of town where she could go be a live-in housekeeper. I can remember seeing the ads circled as a kid. I have dreamed about running away also. I bet many of us have.

    On her birthday I think you should do something for YOU. Go and get a massage, a new book, have your hair and nails done, etc... YOU did the hard work on the day she was born, YOU deserve to be celebrated. I would problem at least do a card, but if you feel you just cannot, then you just cannot. I do understand being that worried and upset. I also always worried that giving gifts to a kid who treats you badly just reinforces the bad behavior, even if it is for birthday or Christmas or whatever holiday.

    Can you tell her that if she doesn't shape up there will be no birthday celebration of any kind? Will it make her shape up? For some reason Wiz always shaped up right around his birthday (2-3 weeks before). He seemed to worry that I would "cancel" his birthday if he wasn't vastly improved. I NEVER said that to him or any of my kids, but he feared it anyway. (I DO tell the kids that if they sneak and see any hidden gifts for Christmas or birthday those gifts will be returned and the $$ will be spent on something to pamper ME for doing all the hard work of shopping, wrapping, catching them, listening to their half donkey reasons, and then returning the gifts. I only had to do it ONCE but Wiz was 8 and WOW did it stick!

    You are not alone in not liking your kid.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    You're definitely not alone. For us, the complete awfulness started about then...oh, those junior high years! I had broken my leg, and had to attend a parent meeting, so I'd borrowed a wheelchair for ease and comfort getting to the classroom. She's calmly walking along beside me, and asks, "What would you do if I hit you in the face?" My response? "I'd break your freakin' arm, call CPS, turn myself in, and wave goodbye as you're on your way to a foster home." She decided not to pursue the conversation.

    She's almost 19, and there are still days I don't like her very much. I used to say that if she and I were co-workers, I wouldn't go near her desk.
  6. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you all. I don't know what I feel really. I think defeat and resignation that we aren't going to have much of a relationship. I would like to find some love for her. I just don't understand this type of behavior. I can't understand being so mean to someone who has been so good to you, i really can understand being this mean to your worst enemy. I look at her picture on my desk and can't bring up any joy or fond memories or anything. Sometimes I put things in front of her picture or lay it down so I can't see it for the whole day. I don't even want her to look at me or even talk to me nicely. It's just bullcrap, lies and more lies. Even thinking about it I am realizing what I am feeling right now, anger, resentment, dislike. Not a good thing to feel about your kid. I am going to have to go to therapy again, that's for sure. i am caring less and less about how her life is. I am mad about mine and I am totally sick of anything that has to do with her. It takes me at least two days without her to be happy again and to get into a feeling of happiness, as soon as she walks in the house, OMG it all comes rushing back.
  7. candiecotton

    candiecotton Guest

    Do we have the same child G is 15 & she will disrupt everything its to the point that shes not even living here . she will call hubby 3-4 times a day & shes playing us agnst each other . she will steal on her little brother & shes decided that she doesnt want to spend a night here anymore for a while knowing that it will hurt me so much.
    she had to go back friday because she was uncontrolable & the worker in the group home actually said that theres no way the dr could diagnose her after a hour of talking to her i could of screamed @ her .
    i miss her & i do love her i really do but its so hard to when she is so hateful & spite ful i dont want to give up on her but i have a feeling im going to have too . we cant take her anywhere or trust her in the house . so when hubby has to bring me to work she has to come too . its so sad what shes putting me through
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs. There are many days I don't like my son-it's very hard to at points.
  9. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Wow, I thought I was the only one who had these feelings. I would often daydream about family outings without difficult child.... or throwing a party at my house with family and friends again without difficult child being in attendance. He seems to ruin every fun function we have or attend. Oh, how guilty I feel for saying those words. My story sounds so similar to yours that it is scary. Today he did his homework (after freaking out and crying over putting words in alphabetical order) and when I said, "great job bud" he looked at me so mean and said, " don't give me encouragement". I felt like calling him a jerk but just walked away. Oh and then he told me for mother's day he was giving me poop. Sweet boy my difficult child. I often wonder "why me" I love this child more than anything and take care of him, nuture, him ... hell, I would walk thru fire to save his life ! I am trying to take each day as it comes and try not to think to far ahead because quite frankly it scares me beyond belief. I just started reading The Explosive Child under the advice of many parents on the board. I hope it helps because I think I have purchased every book on difficult children in circulation. I hope you have better days ahead and I will keep you and your difficult child in my prayers. Please try and keep your chin up. And spill Koolaid on her bedroom floor and leave it there ! Just Kidding !:D
  10. Chailya

    Chailya Guest

    Your definately not alone in this boat Jody. I could have written the very same as you have expressed, and it is sad indeed. I often cry and think to myself...just once God..I'd like to see my real son and know him. It is if there has never been any real emotional bondage to me from him. At best..I'm just a person that is here to feed him, and give him what he wants, and if that doesn't happen..he has no need for me. Everything is a battle. Always snide/rude comments (most of which he's smart enough to say under his breath). No appreciation for anything given to him or done on his behalf. He steals, lies constantly, literally has to be told to do everything to the point that I struggle everyday to show some sort of loving act or offer words of praise/encouragement. Hard to do when it just seems to fall on deaf ears. I will admit that sometimes I do fall from grace and I do verbally lash back. It isn't healthy nor productive I know..but I to am human and can only take so much.

    I've learned to get in my positive act or words and then self distance to keep my sanity as long as possible. It's genuine from the heart still but has to be quick or I am left feeling it was all for not. Always seems it is anyways but whatever I can do to not feel that myself is a plus I guess.

    Hang in there...((Hugs))
  11. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    Jody, I'm in the same boat. difficult child turns 15 today. Birthdays and Xmas are the worse times for us. Recently I was contemplating moving out, but realized i can't leave husband with difficult child alone, he's too much to handle for one person. And i'd be mostly broke if i moved out. I just wanted to have my own place & get a cat... is that too much to ask in life? So, I bought an lcd tv for his B-day, and we gave it to him last weekend. last night we put the PIN # on it so we have to sign him on when we give him access. He hit the roof, even got a kitchen knife and was approaching husband. He wanted me to return TV and get him a playstation 3. I finally told him that the TV will belong to me and I'd give him some cash for his B-Day. He had a screaming tantrum last night for over an hour. It just seems to get worse & worse. Xmas & B-day are all about the gifts to him, and to HXXX with everyone. I can not find anything I like about him. I feel so defeated. Hugs. Michelle
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I absolutely hate that there are so many of us out here, that have to go through this everyday. Last night was awful. I came home and she hadn't done anything that I asked. I told her she couldn't go back out, raging fit. I had bought her shoes reluctantly the other day when I said I wasn't going to. She did have a couple of blisters on her feet from them so she needed new ones. Anyway I told her I know that she has flip flops and other shoes that she can wear but I would get her tennis shoes, but if she acted nuts with me I would take them away. I meant it. This morning she went to school in flip flops. Don't care if she fails gym, don't care. She kicked an empty cardboard box around my house to tease and taunt me for over an hour. She wanted me to lose my temper so then she could say you did this and you did that. Turn her whole story around (lies) so she can be the victim. She threatened and laughed in my face and smiled and omg, I thought last night was really the night I was going to go to jail. I won't let her in tonight. I can't I have to do something. I am going to lose it on that kid. I am human, and this is more than most can take. I am just not strong enough to take it anymore. I have no desire to. Nothing, for what, so our relationship can continue, so she can be mean and hit me, bite me, yell at me, laugh at me. I can't stand her. This morning, I have spent the entire morning in the bathroom, with upset stomach and all that comes with that. I am just not able to do it. I don't have time to get her in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I can't hold on any longer, she has to go. I cannot believe the meaness in this kid. I used to be able to see some good, now I can't even look at her. She is destroying my mental health, physical health is going with it. My family life, everything. I just am not doing this anymore. i am sorry to even say these things out loud. I have to get it out. I can't stand her. May 29th was the worst day of my life, it wasn't a blessing, it feels like a punishment. Until you have had someone in your face calling you names and hitting you and lying oh the lies, the craziness of it all, I don't think anyone truly understands what it does to you mentally, the toll it takes on your mind and what that does to you physically. I wanted to help her to find some happiness, she doesn't seem to want it, if it's handed to her on a platter. I want it. I want it. I want it. I sit here and say this and think about saving as much money as I can and running far away and never returning. It really doesn't seem like a fantasy more like an option. I'de like to be in the woods with my dog, hearing the birds and somewhere near some water. One day and hopefully soon. I am sorry to be doom and gloom, but today is just one more day ruined by the 11 year old that lives in my house.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It really feels like you have reached your breaking point. Do you get any respite from her, time away from her so that you can heal? I am sure you know you need it.

    At this point you seem to be in danger of truly losing it and hurting either you or her if you are pushed much further. Is there anyone who can take her for a few days? Grandparent, aunt, uncle, her father, cousin, friend, etc....? Anyone who could come stay at your house so you could go to a motel for a couple of days? This situation is so very volatile that if you do not get help NOW someone is going to end up hurt.

    If you truly cannot handle having her come home, or live in your home, PLEASE send her to her father or a relative. If that is not possible then PLEASE call social services (may be called Dept of Human Services, Child Protection, dept of Child and Family Svc, or whatever) and tell them that you cannot continue. It may trigger an investigation to see if you have abused her, it may not be pleasant. But they should be able to find a foster home or youth shelter for her. Not sure if you will easily get her back if you want that, but they should be able to help in some way. They problem won't be nice, may even threaten you with child abandonment or whatever. You WILL end up paying child support, of course. (They will likely first try to send her to a relative on your side or her dads, FYI.)

    Calling for this will likely end up with counseling and maybe some respite services IF she stays in your home.

    I truly DO understand how easy it is to get to this point. You have been doing a great job with her, but it can be just WAY too much. I have no clue how you have managed as a single parent for any length of time. I reached that point often with Wiz and I have never been a single parent. So NONE of this is throwing stones. I do admire the fact that you haven't beaten her senseless before now.It has to be so HARD to not lash out at her.

    PLEASE call your doctor today and call social services to see if you can get some help ASAP. PLEASE. Neither you nor easy child nor difficult child should have to live this way. Many gentle hugs to you.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I second what Susie says. I have, in fact, called CPS on myself and told them I couldn't take it any more.

    I ended up speaking to a very understanding woman who turned me on to a whole list of unadvertised services and phone numbers of people I could contact.

    I also joined a NAMI support group. VERY helpful. Lots of resources and sharing and caring people who understand.

    You need help (as if you didn't know!) please make a call to someone who can help you find it.

    Heck, as a last resort, I would even consider going to the ER and telling them you feel like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They will listen!

  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you. You are so right. My Pastor and his wife are going to take her until Friday. Her Big Sister from Big Brother Big Sister is going to come tonight and help me decide on some landscaping things. Maybe I can get some mental relief soon. SO needed. Thank you so much for listeneing. No one likes to hear about this stuff anymore. They don't realize how bad I really need their help. I have just always done whatever needed to be done, now it is harder because I am not doing well.
  16. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Jody, I am so glad your pastor is going to help you and take her off your hands for a few days. Go and do something special for yourself. I could not imagine handling my difficult child alone. I often joke with my hubby and say we should divorce so we can share custody and each of us have a break now and then. Having a difficult child is a cross and sometimes I feel as though I was given more than I can handle. I pick him up from school @ 3:15 each day and around 3:00 my stomach starts churning .... sad .... I hope you are getting the much needed time alone you deserve. :D