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General Parenting
Where to Begin? <---LONG - Sorry
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<blockquote data-quote="C.J." data-source="post: 244430" data-attributes="member: 1987"><p>Gizbywife,</p><p></p><p>Welcome. Your story doesn't surprise or scare us. We don't think you're a bad parent because you've got a child with problems.</p><p></p><p>Check into the neuropsychologist evaluation if you haven't already tried that. You said all the tests have been done on paper. If insurance is not cooperative, contact a local university or children's hospital for referrals. After you've got more information and input, you'll have a better idea when/if you son needs Residential Treatment Center (RTC).</p><p></p><p>How to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? In my case, my difficult child was sentenced there after multiple probation violations. They billed my insurance company, and charged me for child support " sliding scale, since insurance did not cover all the costs. The rest was picked up by the state. Your son already has had police/court involvement. If you found just one of the people you encountered in the 'system' who seemed to be helpful, ask for their input " which Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would they recommend if it were their child? Check with your insurance company about what program(s) they would pay for, what they require from your son's doctors, etc.</p><p></p><p>I don't have advice for your marriage " I'm single. I have advice for your sanity. Make time to be away from your children to do something you want to do. Attend someone's home spa party (or co-host one with a friend/neighbor), go to a bookstore and spend time reading there, if you live in a city with a museum, go on the free night, take a drive for an hour listening to the music YOU love most, or listen to nothing at all, take a walk. If the part time job is something you enjoy, stay there. If you don't look for something else.</p><p></p><p>How to talk to well meaning friends and family " that's tough. I explained my struggles. I shared my concerns with those who I trusted not to gossip. Finally when the going got very tough, and I'd reached the end of my rope, whenever I got the 'Well have you tried&#8230;..?' or 'If it were my child, I would&#8230;..' I would then invite well meaning friend/family to come to my home, spend an entire 24 hours with N*, and try it themselves. Nobody ever took me up on it.</p><p></p><p>When N* was in juvenile detention and then the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I told the school administrators and her case manager the truth. I told my adult friends and family the truth. I struggled mightily with what to tell N*'s friends when she was away. I didn't want to trash what little was probably left of her reputation by feeding into teenage gossip. When N*'s friends called, I said she was away for awhile and when she returned, I'd let her know the friend called. After a week or so, the friends stopped calling. Strange, when N* returned home, she was mad that I didn't tell her friends exactly where she was. She was somewhat proud of being arrested, prosecuted, and sentenced. Maybe it heightened her 'street cred' with the other difficult children she knows.</p><p></p><p>If your 13 y/o does go into Residential Treatment Center (RTC), you and your family are going to have to come to an agreement on what to tell others. </p><p></p><p>Most importantly, what you tell your other two children is you love your difficult child no more or no less than the other two. There is nothing your difficult child can do to diminish your love for him. While his illness and/or behaviors may have to be addressed, that remains to be seen, but you and your husband will be taking steps to take care of the entire family. If you don't already do it, have a one parent/one kid fun outing each week/each pay day. The kids would take turns doing something on a day one of you can spend 3-4 hours with them. They need to feel like you're paying attention to them too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="C.J., post: 244430, member: 1987"] Gizbywife, Welcome. Your story doesn't surprise or scare us. We don't think you're a bad parent because you've got a child with problems. Check into the neuropsychologist evaluation if you haven't already tried that. You said all the tests have been done on paper. If insurance is not cooperative, contact a local university or children's hospital for referrals. After you've got more information and input, you'll have a better idea when/if you son needs Residential Treatment Center (RTC). How to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? In my case, my difficult child was sentenced there after multiple probation violations. They billed my insurance company, and charged me for child support " sliding scale, since insurance did not cover all the costs. The rest was picked up by the state. Your son already has had police/court involvement. If you found just one of the people you encountered in the 'system' who seemed to be helpful, ask for their input " which Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would they recommend if it were their child? Check with your insurance company about what program(s) they would pay for, what they require from your son's doctors, etc. I don't have advice for your marriage " I'm single. I have advice for your sanity. Make time to be away from your children to do something you want to do. Attend someone's home spa party (or co-host one with a friend/neighbor), go to a bookstore and spend time reading there, if you live in a city with a museum, go on the free night, take a drive for an hour listening to the music YOU love most, or listen to nothing at all, take a walk. If the part time job is something you enjoy, stay there. If you don't look for something else. How to talk to well meaning friends and family " that's tough. I explained my struggles. I shared my concerns with those who I trusted not to gossip. Finally when the going got very tough, and I'd reached the end of my rope, whenever I got the 'Well have you tried…..?' or 'If it were my child, I would…..' I would then invite well meaning friend/family to come to my home, spend an entire 24 hours with N*, and try it themselves. Nobody ever took me up on it. When N* was in juvenile detention and then the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I told the school administrators and her case manager the truth. I told my adult friends and family the truth. I struggled mightily with what to tell N*'s friends when she was away. I didn't want to trash what little was probably left of her reputation by feeding into teenage gossip. When N*'s friends called, I said she was away for awhile and when she returned, I'd let her know the friend called. After a week or so, the friends stopped calling. Strange, when N* returned home, she was mad that I didn't tell her friends exactly where she was. She was somewhat proud of being arrested, prosecuted, and sentenced. Maybe it heightened her 'street cred' with the other difficult children she knows. If your 13 y/o does go into Residential Treatment Center (RTC), you and your family are going to have to come to an agreement on what to tell others. Most importantly, what you tell your other two children is you love your difficult child no more or no less than the other two. There is nothing your difficult child can do to diminish your love for him. While his illness and/or behaviors may have to be addressed, that remains to be seen, but you and your husband will be taking steps to take care of the entire family. If you don't already do it, have a one parent/one kid fun outing each week/each pay day. The kids would take turns doing something on a day one of you can spend 3-4 hours with them. They need to feel like you're paying attention to them too. [/QUOTE]
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