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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 194758" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>He's ten years old. I strongly recommend using a Communication Book - let the school vent in this. Similarly, you use it to let them know what else you're dealing with because the impending surgery for his dad will also be impacting difficult child in some way. Same with the other issues. The Book also gives a written record.</p><p></p><p>As for paying for damages - there are several ways I heartily recommend making restitution.</p><p></p><p>First - he has to hand-write a letter of apology. That goes without saying. And a separate one for each person whose stuff he kicked/kid he beat up. And if there is others who are also at fault - too bad. Let them decide for themselves if they should also apologise to him, but at least HE needs to do the decent thing.</p><p></p><p>Second - practical payment to fix things. If you can't afford to pay pocket money right now, then difficult child needs to earn the money in some other way. Chores - perhaps for other people - is a good start. You will probably need to supervise or in some other way ensure the work is done properly, but DON'T rescue him. Maybe he could do chores at school for some sort of financial payment - I don't know. There should be plenty of little old ladies who need gardens weeded, bathrooms scrubbed, odd jobs done. He might even enjoy doing something good - that doesn't detract from the lesson in any way though, because after he's earned back what he needs to pay for damages, he can always continue to do chores for payment as a positive thing.</p><p></p><p>These are natural consequences. There should be no need for any further punishment, either at home or at school.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I grew to hate the daily phone calls. The school would always expect me to drop everything and go collect difficult child 3. Often I'd be finally on the way to see one of my specialists (having had to cancel several previous appointments for similar reasons). It got to the point where if I had a doctor's appointment that I didn't want to cancel, I'd just pull difficult child 3 out of school for the day, so at least I wouldn't get a call to go to the school!</p><p></p><p>I did get to the point where I began to unofficially home-school difficult child 3, if it looked like he would have a bad day at mainstream. I was determined - if I had to go to the school to bring him home, it was NOT to be a reward in any way, so I would make him do schoolwork to make up for what he had missed out on doing. It didn't take me long to realise - difficult child 3 learned far more in one day at home, than he did in one week at school. It took a little longer to realise - difficult child 3 had, over the years, learned just about everything he had, on his weekends and afternoons at home and NOT in his weeks/years at school. </p><p></p><p>I've seen a number of other kids with similar issues- they have a diagnosis of ADHD (I can see possibly some Aspie traits) and their anxiety was so heightened at school that they were on a hair-trigger, ready to explode at the slightest aside glance or accidental bump from another kid. difficult child 3's current school placement is correspondence, with occasional optional study days in at the school site. I meet these other kids on these days over the years and I've seen some wonderful changes in them, as they have relaxed at home, learning that they ARE safe, they can concentrate on what they're studying and when they DO meet other kids, nobody is out to get them. The teachers supervise closely and know the history of these kids, they know to watch for the possible social clashes. </p><p>One boy in particular - he used to tease difficult child 3, whose anxious obsessive reactions would annoy him. But last week at the special study day - this boy showed a lot of maturity and support for difficult child 3. His mother had explained a bit of difficult child 3's story to him and that, coupled with the boys' now-lowered anxiety and less-sensitive hair-trigger, helped him understand. So all day, this other boy would encourage difficult child 3, would give him high-fives and say, 'well done'. The positive response to all this reinforced the good deed. </p><p></p><p>Teachers have commented on how much progress difficult child 3 has made. I've also heard teachers talking to this other boy's mother, about how well HER son is doing socially. You wouldn't think that reducing the social interaction at mainstream would improve a student's social function, but time and time again, I see that it doesn't, not in these cases.</p><p></p><p>We've only had one really bad day at this school, and it was a day when difficult child 3 had missed his medications. The teachers had two other children just walk out of the school (they weren't coping) and they brought difficult child 3 to me (I stay at the school premises for these study days) and suggested I take him home because he just wasn't able to function. He was not in trouble. The two students who just walked out, were (but the teachers understood).</p><p></p><p>Your husband is home. Is there a correspondence option you could plug difficult child into at least for a term? husband would only need to make sure difficult child was working and not playing. Often under these circumstances, our difficult children can work better and can be easily motivated, even where they were kicking over the traces in mainstream.</p><p></p><p>Hugs. I really hated those phone calls.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 194758, member: 1991"] He's ten years old. I strongly recommend using a Communication Book - let the school vent in this. Similarly, you use it to let them know what else you're dealing with because the impending surgery for his dad will also be impacting difficult child in some way. Same with the other issues. The Book also gives a written record. As for paying for damages - there are several ways I heartily recommend making restitution. First - he has to hand-write a letter of apology. That goes without saying. And a separate one for each person whose stuff he kicked/kid he beat up. And if there is others who are also at fault - too bad. Let them decide for themselves if they should also apologise to him, but at least HE needs to do the decent thing. Second - practical payment to fix things. If you can't afford to pay pocket money right now, then difficult child needs to earn the money in some other way. Chores - perhaps for other people - is a good start. You will probably need to supervise or in some other way ensure the work is done properly, but DON'T rescue him. Maybe he could do chores at school for some sort of financial payment - I don't know. There should be plenty of little old ladies who need gardens weeded, bathrooms scrubbed, odd jobs done. He might even enjoy doing something good - that doesn't detract from the lesson in any way though, because after he's earned back what he needs to pay for damages, he can always continue to do chores for payment as a positive thing. These are natural consequences. There should be no need for any further punishment, either at home or at school. Like you, I grew to hate the daily phone calls. The school would always expect me to drop everything and go collect difficult child 3. Often I'd be finally on the way to see one of my specialists (having had to cancel several previous appointments for similar reasons). It got to the point where if I had a doctor's appointment that I didn't want to cancel, I'd just pull difficult child 3 out of school for the day, so at least I wouldn't get a call to go to the school! I did get to the point where I began to unofficially home-school difficult child 3, if it looked like he would have a bad day at mainstream. I was determined - if I had to go to the school to bring him home, it was NOT to be a reward in any way, so I would make him do schoolwork to make up for what he had missed out on doing. It didn't take me long to realise - difficult child 3 learned far more in one day at home, than he did in one week at school. It took a little longer to realise - difficult child 3 had, over the years, learned just about everything he had, on his weekends and afternoons at home and NOT in his weeks/years at school. I've seen a number of other kids with similar issues- they have a diagnosis of ADHD (I can see possibly some Aspie traits) and their anxiety was so heightened at school that they were on a hair-trigger, ready to explode at the slightest aside glance or accidental bump from another kid. difficult child 3's current school placement is correspondence, with occasional optional study days in at the school site. I meet these other kids on these days over the years and I've seen some wonderful changes in them, as they have relaxed at home, learning that they ARE safe, they can concentrate on what they're studying and when they DO meet other kids, nobody is out to get them. The teachers supervise closely and know the history of these kids, they know to watch for the possible social clashes. One boy in particular - he used to tease difficult child 3, whose anxious obsessive reactions would annoy him. But last week at the special study day - this boy showed a lot of maturity and support for difficult child 3. His mother had explained a bit of difficult child 3's story to him and that, coupled with the boys' now-lowered anxiety and less-sensitive hair-trigger, helped him understand. So all day, this other boy would encourage difficult child 3, would give him high-fives and say, 'well done'. The positive response to all this reinforced the good deed. Teachers have commented on how much progress difficult child 3 has made. I've also heard teachers talking to this other boy's mother, about how well HER son is doing socially. You wouldn't think that reducing the social interaction at mainstream would improve a student's social function, but time and time again, I see that it doesn't, not in these cases. We've only had one really bad day at this school, and it was a day when difficult child 3 had missed his medications. The teachers had two other children just walk out of the school (they weren't coping) and they brought difficult child 3 to me (I stay at the school premises for these study days) and suggested I take him home because he just wasn't able to function. He was not in trouble. The two students who just walked out, were (but the teachers understood). Your husband is home. Is there a correspondence option you could plug difficult child into at least for a term? husband would only need to make sure difficult child was working and not playing. Often under these circumstances, our difficult children can work better and can be easily motivated, even where they were kicking over the traces in mainstream. Hugs. I really hated those phone calls. Marg [/QUOTE]
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