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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 348079" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Janet, you know more about the system here than I do, so please feel free to over-rule me.</p><p></p><p>KLMNO, you say you documented to begin with.</p><p></p><p>What I suggest, is that you put a letter together to PO (and of course keep a copy). IN line with previously expressed advice on this thread, write the letter with an attitude of "nod and smile". But merely say, in your letter, "I believe I am perceived as obstructive because I asked questions when asked if I had any questions. I apologise if this upset anybody - at no time was I challenging anything being offered, I was merely trying to understand in order to be able to cooperate fully, as I have always tried to do.</p><p>If there is any concern that any of you may have as to my open and honest desire to work with you all in order to get the most appropriate and best help for my son, please let me know in writing so I can immediately make the appropriate changes.</p><p>I am determined to do this the right way but unlike you, I am inexperienced at the legal system. So there will be times when I need help in understanding things. Please do not take any questions I may ask as me expressing concerns; in fact it is simply me trying to be certain what I am required to do. Sometimes the information I am given seems contradictory, which of course is probably due to my inexperience.</p><p>If we can work well together on this, it should be the best for all concerned, especially and most importantly for the child at the centre of all this.</p><p>I have never tried to be difficult, although I realise from what has been said to me that this is the unfortunate perception. I would like to remedy this as a priority.</p><p>In order to make sure I fully understand, I will try to take detailed notes of all future communications, in order that I don't miss any important instructions or information. You all have considerable collective wisdom in this and it is important I take full advantage of this, in order to help my child.</p><p>Thank you for all you are trying to do. It is appreciated."</p><p></p><p>Yes, I know it is grovelling. Obsequious, even. But necessary.</p><p></p><p>You also have to follow through - do the nod and smile, if an appointment is scheduled and they want to turn up at a bad time, you have to be prepared to throw everything else out and re-schedule everything else. At least until relationships with these people have been repaired. </p><p></p><p>If you can, address what has been said about you that is bad and try to make it clear that you aren't like this. also ask them to talk to you as soon as they have any such concerns, in order for you to learn from any mistakes you may have made. Sometimes there are misunderstandings, you can say, and if you are not directly told when you do something wrong, how can you learn to get it right next time?</p><p></p><p>There is a fine line between grovelling and standing up for your rights politely. I think at the moment you need to err on the side of grovelling, but if you make it clear that:</p><p></p><p>1) your child is the priority, not your schedule - however, it is helpful if someone offers to fit in with you and then actually allows it</p><p></p><p>2) you are a cooperative parent but you need to understand, which means you need things explained carefully, plus you need to take notes so you can go back and check what you recorded you were told</p><p></p><p>then you should at least have a clearer idea of what they are tellnig you.</p><p></p><p>Of course, WE know they are being inconsistent. But a follow-up letter (and it needs to be immediate - within hours if possible) needs to be along the lines of, "Dear PO, I am a little confused, could you please clarify? At our meeting, I thought you told me X, but now Y is happening. Has the picture changed? Or did I misunderstand?"</p><p></p><p>Even if you KNOW they have changed their story and seem to be trying to keep you off balance, always give them wiggle room to back out and save face.</p><p></p><p>Also, your letters (plus theirs - you should always ask for their replies in writing, "so I can keep touching base with what you told me and not get muddled trying to remember") can get the message across to them that you ARE keeping tabs, they had better be more precise in their instructions to you. it also demonstrates to a casual observer that you are going to the nth degree to support them, not to be difficult. So anybody claiming you are difficult - your letters, always conciliatory and asking for confirmation or clarification, show they must have it wrong.</p><p></p><p>Grit your teeth. Consider, as you write these letters, that you are in a very vulnerable position (say, a person from a minority group being persecuted by a racist invader of your country) and despite your desire to sabotage the invaders and join the Resistance, you need to act circumspectly for now, and get into the habit of tugging your forelock.</p><p></p><p>Later on, when this is all past, write a book about it. But begin gathering your information now, do your research now, prepare your manuscript in secret.</p><p></p><p> But as soon as your son is permanently out of the system and no longer your responsibility, publish and be darned. Get your justice then. Not now.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 348079, member: 1991"] Janet, you know more about the system here than I do, so please feel free to over-rule me. KLMNO, you say you documented to begin with. What I suggest, is that you put a letter together to PO (and of course keep a copy). IN line with previously expressed advice on this thread, write the letter with an attitude of "nod and smile". But merely say, in your letter, "I believe I am perceived as obstructive because I asked questions when asked if I had any questions. I apologise if this upset anybody - at no time was I challenging anything being offered, I was merely trying to understand in order to be able to cooperate fully, as I have always tried to do. If there is any concern that any of you may have as to my open and honest desire to work with you all in order to get the most appropriate and best help for my son, please let me know in writing so I can immediately make the appropriate changes. I am determined to do this the right way but unlike you, I am inexperienced at the legal system. So there will be times when I need help in understanding things. Please do not take any questions I may ask as me expressing concerns; in fact it is simply me trying to be certain what I am required to do. Sometimes the information I am given seems contradictory, which of course is probably due to my inexperience. If we can work well together on this, it should be the best for all concerned, especially and most importantly for the child at the centre of all this. I have never tried to be difficult, although I realise from what has been said to me that this is the unfortunate perception. I would like to remedy this as a priority. In order to make sure I fully understand, I will try to take detailed notes of all future communications, in order that I don't miss any important instructions or information. You all have considerable collective wisdom in this and it is important I take full advantage of this, in order to help my child. Thank you for all you are trying to do. It is appreciated." Yes, I know it is grovelling. Obsequious, even. But necessary. You also have to follow through - do the nod and smile, if an appointment is scheduled and they want to turn up at a bad time, you have to be prepared to throw everything else out and re-schedule everything else. At least until relationships with these people have been repaired. If you can, address what has been said about you that is bad and try to make it clear that you aren't like this. also ask them to talk to you as soon as they have any such concerns, in order for you to learn from any mistakes you may have made. Sometimes there are misunderstandings, you can say, and if you are not directly told when you do something wrong, how can you learn to get it right next time? There is a fine line between grovelling and standing up for your rights politely. I think at the moment you need to err on the side of grovelling, but if you make it clear that: 1) your child is the priority, not your schedule - however, it is helpful if someone offers to fit in with you and then actually allows it 2) you are a cooperative parent but you need to understand, which means you need things explained carefully, plus you need to take notes so you can go back and check what you recorded you were told then you should at least have a clearer idea of what they are tellnig you. Of course, WE know they are being inconsistent. But a follow-up letter (and it needs to be immediate - within hours if possible) needs to be along the lines of, "Dear PO, I am a little confused, could you please clarify? At our meeting, I thought you told me X, but now Y is happening. Has the picture changed? Or did I misunderstand?" Even if you KNOW they have changed their story and seem to be trying to keep you off balance, always give them wiggle room to back out and save face. Also, your letters (plus theirs - you should always ask for their replies in writing, "so I can keep touching base with what you told me and not get muddled trying to remember") can get the message across to them that you ARE keeping tabs, they had better be more precise in their instructions to you. it also demonstrates to a casual observer that you are going to the nth degree to support them, not to be difficult. So anybody claiming you are difficult - your letters, always conciliatory and asking for confirmation or clarification, show they must have it wrong. Grit your teeth. Consider, as you write these letters, that you are in a very vulnerable position (say, a person from a minority group being persecuted by a racist invader of your country) and despite your desire to sabotage the invaders and join the Resistance, you need to act circumspectly for now, and get into the habit of tugging your forelock. Later on, when this is all past, write a book about it. But begin gathering your information now, do your research now, prepare your manuscript in secret. But as soon as your son is permanently out of the system and no longer your responsibility, publish and be darned. Get your justice then. Not now. Marg [/QUOTE]
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