Who do you "save"?? LONG LONG LONG

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Re1096, Nov 5, 2010.

  1. Re1096

    Re1096 Guest

    Hi.. I am way new here.. found your site through my sister who was searching desperately for answers for me in dealing with my 16 yo difficult child. Back story..

    She lived with my mother until 3 years ago when she cried begged screamed and pleaded that we remove her from that awful house because they were forcing her to do nothing but work work work and were constantly punishing her even when she didn't do anything. easy child 1 lived with them and according to her HE was the prince and was never in trouble and never was required to work. Well the guilt of "leaving" her there caught up with me and I allowed her to move in with me, my then husband, and easy child 3, all was well for 6 months or so. then KABOOM! She refused to do anything anyone told her, she was punished and have her laptop or phone or privileges removed only to steal her baby brothers phone or laptop or sneak in my room and take hers back. All punishments were made to be broken not followed. It got to the point where I removed everything from her room other than her bed and 5 outfits that I picked out for her. EVEN THAT didn't work. She would come home in clothes her friend borrowed her or she would have their phones or iPods.. it was insane. She was getting so many 0's in school she was at the brink of failing and then would do enough to scrape by. I would hold her hand through an assignment pack it in her bookbag in her notebook and she would "forget" to turn it in.. how infuriating.

    When I would go through her things, book bag, room, computer, (because she was constantly taking things from her brother or me) I would find all these "made up" stories about the massive amounts of sex she had over the weekend and how drunk or high she had been or who she had beat up. I know they were MADE UP because she was never allowed out of my sight so unless I am blind and can't see her having sex in my living room it did not happen. Then I started finding out that she was sexting constantly whenever she could get her hands on a phone. i told her she needed to write raunchy romance novels because they were THAT NASTY.

    I finally gave up and did not ask her to do anything.. sit in your room and live in filth if you want you are the one that smells badly not me. Even then it was a constant battle.. get up, eat your dinner, go to school, homework? on and on and on. Nothing worked..

    When I would take her computer away from her or her phone she would scream and cry because I was taking her only friend away from her and she LOVED him and I was ruining her life. This would be the same boy who she met on MySpace who lives lord knows where that said he would come slit my throat if I tried to take her computer again. (her response was .. that works) *shudder*

    Oh my I am rambling.

    Ok so easy child 3 is an Aspie i know you are thinking how can she have a easy child Aspie, I didn't until a few months ago. easy child 3 was misdiagnosed as ADHD for 6 years when his behavior became so bad that the pediatrician and I were thinking of having to commit him, he was very physically violent with me and to restrain him was not only hard on me to do it was physically impossible at times. Long story short the pediatrician goes to a siminar on Aspergers and calls me immediately and gets easy child 3 tested.. sure enough Aspie. I was quite honestly relieved! We had a name we could get help and it explained sooooo many things. Anyhoo through trail and error we made it through another year he still had major melt downs and things were by far from perfect and I was stressed to the breaking point between trying to figure him out and dealing with difficult child.

    Towards the end of the summer difficult child decides she wants to move in with her BFFs family I said NO WAY.. i am not rewarding you for your behavior.. there were a million promises made and I finally after a week and a half of school and pure torture trying to hold it all together agreed in a last ditch effort to keep her out of a camp or home. She knew that was the last chance. I have told her still she is allowed home only if she will follow the rules to the letter. Every time I have asked when she plans on coming back she replies literally with I don't know.

    Since she has been gone, her grades have gone up she has no 0's, she has a job, and is acting more mature. easy child 3 has THRIVED.. not ONE meltdown, no back talk, does all of his work, grades have gone from struggling to honor role, complete different child, went from difficult child 2 to easy child 3. I could not ask for a more delightful child to be around, even went through a break up with his girlfriend very logically even though emotional.

    NOW for the problem I need advice with.

    In the last week there has been "drama" with difficult child and every other day it is they are making her come home or she is staying. To the point I put my foot down and said she had to come back, only to have the other mother talk me out of it saying she is doing so well there that why would I make her come back, so I left her. When I talked to easy child 3 about her coming back he was in tears and begging no mom please I can't do this. Please don't let her come back here.

    Yesterday while talking to the other mom she stated they were picking a day for difficult child to come back here and I asked what happens if she does not want to, she replied with she will and we have to give her a chance. I can't mention easy child 3 during any conversations to her because it is thrown in my face that "i love him more" I don't I love them both just differently as they are different people. I am in a panic.. the mom in me wants her here and to be a productive part of the family but the protector in me wants her to stay there as she is doing well and so is easy child 3.

    I am scared out of my mind that if she comes back it is going to be more drama and turmoil and a fight to the end. She has threatened to run away if we make her come back here.

    And now I am just rambling because I am at a loss.

    Any help or advice would be sooooo appreciated because I feel like to save one I have to disregard the other.

    Re the Lost.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WHy does she have to come home?
  3. Re1096

    Re1096 Guest

    because this was never supposed to be a permanent situation. It was only supposed to be to help difficult child to get her head on straight, this was when I did not realize the impact she had on easy child 3. Now that I do... I just don't know what to do.

    i am seriously thinking of setting up a camper in my yard for her to LIVE IN.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I really want to respond to this but it will have to wait until I am home - at the office right now. You are not alone, you have come to a great place and we soooo understand where you are!! Particularly me. Don't do anything hasty and don't do anything out of panic - that was always my downfall! Talk soon!
  5. idohope

    idohope Member

    I have the same question as Busywend: Why does she have to come home? There are many ways of saving a child. Putting them in an environment where they are being cared for and they are acting responsibily and progressing in school is saving a child although it is not the traditional family life one may have envisioned. I do not know all of the details of your situation but it sounds like the current solution is one that has benefitted both children.
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She posted this:

    "Yesterday while talking to the other mom she stated they were picking a day for difficult child to come back here and I asked what happens if she does not want to, she replied with she will and we have to give her a chance."
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I totally totally can relate. That feeling of being caught between two kids when what might be good for one is not good for the other is just plain heart wrenching. We are in a similar situation with my 19 year old difficult child son and my 15 year old easy child daughter.

    My son was at a TBS for 16 months when he was 15/16. During that time my daughter thrived and our relationship with her got much closer. My son came home and then last June (he was 18 then) we ended up kicking him out. My daughter was happy to have him gone and it was good for her. He started doing better and we let him come home in August. Once he was home my daughter withdrew from us all and started talking to her therapist. It became clear how stressful and hard this whole situation has been on her. She really felt we were sacrificing her (who has done nothing wrong) for him (who has done all sorts of things). We really felt like we were in a terrible dilemma because really she was much worse off having him back home.

    He solved that for us by again breaking rules, again getting arrested and ending up in jail. He is now in drug rehab. My daughter has since talked to us a lot more and it is very clear it is very hard on her to have him in the house.... and the last few days I have realized how much more I like coming home without him here. The chaos and stress and having to watch and protect all belongings is no way to live. So I am clear at least for now that we are all better off if he does not come home after he finishes rehab. I think it is better for him too.....but really I also feel I have to protect my daughter from the conflict and chaos that could be there.... now of course we are hoping he will do well in rehab and so then it wouldn't be like that but of course we can't know that. The reality is I think he is more likely to relapse living at home and doing the same old stuff as before so we are going to tell him he needs to look at other options and we will help him out.

    So I truly get the dilemma you feel.

    So first does your daughter have to come home? I got the feeling initially that it was your insistance that she come home not the other families. Is that true? If so stop insisting. If not then could you take the other mom to lunch and talk to her about the situation and see if she could stay there longer. Sounds like it is better for all around for her to live with them than with you right now.

    If that is not an option then you are kind of stuck.... and if there are no other options other than her coming home then if you haven't already I would get your son into some kind of therapy so he can work on the issues that come up for him around her.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I mean if the other mom is willing...and it works for both your kids....why mess with success? Let her stay. Pay the mom child support if you have to.

    I suspect that what has happened is the other mom has seen some things she does not like in her home. Honeymoon is over there probably.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Can you talk at depth, honestly, with the other mother? It would be useful for her to feel she can confide in you because getting further information for both of you would be good. Don't tell her about easy child 3, however, because that would add too much pressure onto her, to keep her when possibly it would not be a good idea.

    As for easy child 3 - ask him specifically what he is afraid of, and ask him what can be done to reduce those fears for him. He has to learn to cope with change and with challenges. Maybe he can go stay with someone for a week or so, for the transition back home? That would also reduce the "you care more about him than me" routine.

  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    A few questions:

    1. How long did your daughter live with your mother?
    2. Under what circumstances did she go to live with your mother?
    3. Is your mother willing to take her back?
    4. Is she your husband's daughter as well?
    5. If not, where is her dad?
    6. Who has legal custody of her?
    7. Have you spoken with the school about possible residential placement? Will they fund it?
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You save easy child, then you save yourself. Save her,too...by not letting her come home. It's too emotional, she doesn't thrive, and the family is in turmoil. But mainly, save easy child!!!!
  12. Re1096

    Re1096 Guest

    answering questions

    1. How long did your daughter live with your mother? 7 years.
    2. Under what circumstances did she go to live with your mother? I was fresh out of college single mom with 3 kids under 8. It was a huge MESS. My mother agreed to take the older two kids as they were in grade school at the time. Leaving me with ADHD, Aspie kid which took full time dealing with.
    3. Is your mother willing to take her back? NO... that is one of the points.. she has plenty of criticism to deal out.. but no advice and NOT willing to take her back.
    4. Is she your husband's daughter as well? He adopted both of the younger children. Oldest was in high school and didn't want to change his name. He is willing to let her move in with him but due to a drug and alcohol issue I don't see how that can work.. another point my mother has thrown in my face. I can't send her there because he can't take care of himself.
    5. If not, where is her dad? sperm donor is literally living in a DUMP.. a landfill.. in the back of a 18 wheel trailer.
    6. Who has legal custody of her? my mother has legal custody but will not take her back.
    7. Have you spoken with the school about possible residential placement? Will they fund it? School knows of the issues but as far as we can tell they have no affiliation with any help.

    Over the weekend the mother where she is has decided that difficult child's move back date will be January 1. I am a freaking MESS just thinking about it. husband said he would fix a bedroom for her there so that if she caused trouble for easy child that she would have an immediate place to go. I thought it was a good idea.. my mother just screamed bloody murder at me about it.

    To which I replied in an email because I hung up on her.. that if she had nothing but criticism to give please just keep it to yourself unless you want her back. If that is the case then HAVE AT IT.

    Please tell me that this all ends somewhere.. cause right now I see no light..