Why am I NOT getting this?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I just keep on bouncing back and forth between acceptance, ambivalence, weak detachment and then enabling-my ex and Dcs exgf's mom seem to get it. He has had SO many chances to improve his lot, but doesn't seem to be able or willing to follow through.

    I read on here with envy, all the posts by the warriors who have got it-am I EVER going to be there? I am in therapy, I read here a lot, I accept him as he is on some level and he has stated more than once that he's okay with this, though this winter is kicking his backside. So when he tells me he's not eating or sleeping and has lost all his stuff (or had it stolen) then I just become enveloped in sadness.

    Then he'll tell me he has decided long ago that he's NOT going to get a job (because he doesn't want to) and that the other day, he made $ 65 panhandling! What????

    He'll hear voices and check into a hospital, then decide he doesn't like it in there and leaves.

    All I can think of now is him, skinny, messed up, freezing to death somewhere in a doorway. I know that's catastrophising, but guys, I have been doing this for YEARS now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

    Just venting. You all have told me everything that I can do to help MYSELF and I do have some happiness in my life, but I wonder if I'll ever have peace of mind. It's two steps forward and one step back. And he's 1,000 miles away! Not knocking on my door or blowing up my phone.

    It just stinks.
     
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  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh BG, I do not know what's worse being close, or so many miles away, it all just stinks. A moms pain is a moms pain. I am so sorry for your hurting heart.

    I go through the ups and downs and sideways kind of regularly, that is why I am still here. I am trying to figure out emotional detachment, so I am not so tied in that way, you know? I still wonder and worry.

    I think the Holidays play a huge part in it too, seeing family's out shopping, TV commercials, ads, stories in the paper.
    All blaring reminders of our d c's who are not here with us.
    It is a no wonder we do not all go bonkers.
    I think I have transferred my worries to a bah humbug feeling.
    I am truly sorry for your hurt and pain.
    Big cyber mom hugs
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  3. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks, Leaf. I don't mean to be whiny, but it all seems to be piling on right now-maybe it IS the hols, I don't know. My Difficult Child's birthday is 2 days after Christmas, so it's a bit of a double whammy at this time of year.

    He actually just called-said the snow had quieted down and that he was going to try and get to a warming center tonight. So my fantasies of him freezing to death in the snow hopefully won't come true tonight. I know he's having a hard time with the weather. He has a court date on the 23rd of this month so I hope he gets jailed-3 hots and a cot and shelter from the cold.

    That's a hell of a statement for a mother to make, right? But with DCs you start normalizing everything, because of the mind games...
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    BG you are exactly as you are supposed to be and need to be. The ambivalence is part of the "mommy" thing that we moms and sons are particularly blessed with.

    Relax into it. It is back and forth up and down. That is the nature of our love right now.

    You are moving forward on your own journey. Just accept it as it is. It is part of the process.

    And we're here for you.
     
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are not whiny, just venting. Heck, who else can we share all this stuff with? It is all so painful and just absolutely crazy and stupefying.
    My stories at work would shock the room, then there's the awkward silence......
    You write what you need to girl, let that stuff OUT, keeping it all in is not healthy.
    Don't you worry about what you share here, it is on the side of normal for us.....ugh.
    I am right there with you with the whole emptiness of it all.....
    Sigh.
    We will be okay. I am glad your son will look for a warm place....
    (((Hugs)))
    leafy
     
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hello dear friend. I am so sorry you are having a tough time. You are doing better than you think you are. Detaching from a child that we love is not an easy task. It took me many years of extreme heartache to finally really let go. While I live a very full and happy life I still have moments of sadness and that's ok. My mom passed away 17 years ago and I still have moments of sadness when I think about her and that's ok.
    We are always going to have moments of sadness in our lives and we just have to embrace it, feel it, then let it go and move on.
    I went through the same thing with my son calling me to tell me he was going to freeze to death or starve to death and he always found a way, always. I was a 1000 miles away from him and there was nothing I could do for him. I also had to remind myself of all that I had done for him, all the chances I had given him only to have him throw it all away.
    Remember, our d-cs have made the choice to live their lives the way want to. They don't plan for things to go bad and when it does they want someone to bail them out, to fix their problems and make everything ok.
    Hang in there BG. You will get through this. Keep reading and keep posting.
    I an sending you a really big hug!!!
     
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thank you for all the hugs! I know we are all in this together, but I wouldn't know what to do without the support of my cyber-friends, who understand everything that I am saying and don't judge me...

    Hugs back to you all, life savers!
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Blackgnat - you are right there with everyone else you know. We all feel that way. Some just get past it (or hide it) better than others. Maybe they've just had more time.

    This ↑. Perfect quote. A moms pain is a moms pain. Even when things are going well, there is this little empty place inside me - where what my life (my son's life) should have been but isn't - lives. I feel it always, even now when he's working and has a roof and a girlfriend and ... it's this fear...this expectation of the next disaster. But empty too. I hurt, always, because this is not how his life was supposed to be.

    I hope someday I can shed that hurt and accept that there is no "supposed to be".

    I never really equated the two, but I suppose loss is loss and pain is pain. I'm the same way Tanya. My mother passed away shortly before I turned 24. I'm 52. I've lived almost 5 years more without her than I had her - 28 years later I still get sad sometimes. I still miss her like crazy.

    Life goes on.
     
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  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BG, I think you ARE "getting it".....however, "getting it" isn't what you may believe it to be. "Getting it" is accepting that this is the road we are on, right or wrong, good or bad, it is what it is. Your son, my daughter live unpredictable, often unsafe, odd lives we don't understand......when we believe we can change, alter, control or fix those lives, we suffer. When we land in a place where we "get" that we are powerless and we can tolerate the uncertainty and chaos without jumping in to help......at least in my experience, we've accepted what is. That acceptance is what brings peace.

    Our kids don't always change, we do. You've changed, I hear it in your words..........and sometimes we revisit the pain of it, the sadness of it, I do that as well........but those moments are less now. As they are for you. Look back a year ago and try to recall how you felt then. You've made a lot of progress, but when a bump in the road makes us fall, I think we tend to think we are back at square one........but you are not.....it is a slow process for all of us.

    I think it's important to acknowledge how far we've come. You're moving along at the exact right trajectory for you, so you can look each of these issues in the eye and accept them one by one. My daughter was homeless in the winter too, I understand the pain in your heart about that...and one Thanksgiving eve, a year or two ago, on a cold night when she was homeless, she called to ask to stay with me.......and I said no. That was the hardest no I ever said. But it changed something in me when I saw my daughter the following day and she was just fine. Our kids make their own choices and their choices bring suffering to our doorstep.......and then one day.....they make the choice and we don't suffer. It arrives slowly, it sort of sneaks in, but one day the suffering is just not there. It happens when it happens.......

    This is such a difficult path BG, a path not one of us would wish on another. But it is the path we are on. And, you are never alone, all of us here are right there with you, we know exactly how you feel right now, we've all been there. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

    Sending you hugs and very warm, understanding wishes for you to find that peace you are after. That was my goal too. I thought, if I can have peace, in the midst of this firestorm, I will be okay. And, I have found that peace. It is not a constant, I fall out of it, but I have the tools you have and I use them. Use your tools, as you have writing your story for us here.........open that toolbox and use them all.

    ((((HUGS))))
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RE, I have wondered just today where you've been. I miss you and am so glad you're back :) You give the best advice!!!
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks SWOT, I missed you when you were gone too, thank you for saying that!
     
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have been wondering the same thing RE. I was so glad to see your name here.
     
  13. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    You are certainly not alone.

    I feel all the same ways you do. I go through all of the emotions....sometimes all in the same day.

    I wonder when I'll get to the point where I realize or resign to myself to the fact that he will likely not change. I want my son to change, I want him to do better and be better- I do. But at some point, much like we resign ourselves when a loved one is dying- and we resolve that in our hearts and minds and learn how to manage it- I need to stop thinking 'tomorrow, he'll see the light!' because honestly, he probably won't.

    I used to say he was my child because I was strong enough to handle him. I don't know, now, that it's true. I thought his childhood was hard. Adulthood is much worse.
     
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  14. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Yes, the holidays are rough. As New Leaf mentioned, families are out shopping, people at work are talking about family gatherings, their kids coming home from college, my sisters kids are all home...and here I'm happy to hear that my son is living in a garage, as least he's indoors. All of his belongings fit into a backpack. It's so sad. One of my favorite slogans is "act as if". Each day I keep chugging along, shopping, wrapping, decorating, even listening to Christmas music. And I find myself feeling somewhat happy. Heck, I got through Thanksgiving without knowing where my son is so ill get through this holiday too. We're so lucky to have this forum to come to and know that we're not alone.
     
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lil, You spoke THE truth. There is no" supposed" to be. My dreams for my son were just that....My dreams. They were never his. The more I tried to force it the more he pushed.

    In gambling there is an expression " Let it ride". Maybe we need to learn to do this with our kids. It is theirs to decide to fold, up the bet, or ride it out. Less than subtle reference to your upcoming Vegas vacay:dance:
     
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am wondering too, BG, and all, because we are so closely connected to our D cs, if we are feeling for them, I mean really feeling for them, with our concepts of how life should be, home fires burning, a place to call our own.
    Even when my two do not contact me, I am still thinking about them, some days, more or less than others.

    They have chosen for the time being, a life of drifting in between it all, just surviving, and we cannot imagine that for ourselves, much more so for our children.

    For me, it seems that the roller coaster of enabling and having my two with me, is paralleled by a roller coaster of similar, but in lesser degree, of emotions, when they are not with me.

    It is such a process, living with the reality of the choices our d cs make.

    I am finding, that when I am approaching a form of peace, or acceptance, that is when my d cs will re-enter the picture. Looking back, there is this impeccable timing of their phone calls, or sudden appearance.

    It is as if to say, "Oh, so you think you are at peace? Well, try this one on for size....."

    I definitely have my work cut out for me, in all of this.

    I really love Recovering Enablers handle, it is perfect. It seems to me it is going to be a continuous journey of recovering. I am comforted, in seeing in myself, and others, each challenge and test, if you will forgive my saying, because it does pose somewhat of a test for me, that hopefully, I will pass a little bit stronger and wiser for going through it.

    I am thankful everyday, for this site, it gives insight, it gives sight.
    In reading and learning of others on this journey, the different stages and perspectives, all the therapy in the world cannot compare.

    I am grateful for all of my fellow warriors and the courageous honesty in sharing.
    It has helped me tremendously.

    Thank you BG, for your share, I think we are getting this, it is process of getting it.
    I believe it is one of the hardest things known to man, to go through this. We need a badge, or a symbol, or is there one that I do not know of?
    Like a yellow, or pink ribbon. Maybe even a paisley one?

    Something to say, "I am a warrior parent of a troubled, difficult child."

    [​IMG]



    That way, at least when we have our off days, maybe other folks would understand.
    It is hard, to have an off day, but still get up and drag myself to work, to put on the smile, when I do not feel like smiling.

    I understand, BG, right there with you.

    I hope you are having a better day today.

    Peace be to us all,
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yep. I have noticed this with ALL of the difficult people in my life. Just as I am reaching a state of being o.k. They hone in to stir up the pot once more. The force is strong with them. That invisible, cosmic, connective cord , pulls them back in our orbit.
     
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  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yep. I have gotten to the point where I'm afraid to even say anything nice about my Difficult Child. As soon as I say anything, that he's doing well, that he's working hard, etc., I get one of those calls. :( I wish I could be one of those moms who can brag on her kid.

    Yeah...if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
     
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  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Well, my dear, according to your recent posts, he is doing much better, so fingers and toes crossed for continued improvement.

    Everyone struggles at one time or another to find a niche in this crazy merry go round we call life.
    That's my story and I am sticking with it!
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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  20. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    BG, I feel for you. Keep posting it really does help. Everyone is right it is up and down an emotional roller coaster, but from what I have learned on this site and am continuing to learn is that the emotional roller coaster does slow. I keep reminding myself that the way things are the way they are for my Difficult Child is because of his choices. I read and reread the article on this forum about detattchment it really helps.

    Big Hugs, Hopeful
     
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