Why am I suffering

[Love never ends]

Hi Love, just wanted to add my Welcome, and So Glad you Found Us! Keep coming back, stay plugged in with these wonderful Warrior Parents! It's such a strong circle of support for us, battle weary parents. No one understands us like WE do! Such a warm comforting place. Granted, all our troubles don't magically dissolve, but here for the first time we can begin to see a glimmer of hope.

Welcome, welcome to our little corner of the internet

Peace

Ah Thankyou so glad to be here with all you lovely mummy's ... I'm doing well today I managed to have breakfast before she started Xxx

 

[Tanya M]

I must stop starting at other mums actually as it looks so rude but I'm just envious of normal conversations and normal life I guess

Looks can be deceiving. You never really know what someone is going through. What you view as normal could all be a show because sometimes people pretend all is well in their world when they are out in public.
Also, the people you see may really get along fine when you see them, but who's to say that a few months or years down the road that their relationship takes a turn for the worse.

I have learned it is best to live in the present moment, my moment. If I am content with myself then I don't need to be envious of anyone else. Of course I didn't always feel this way, I've been where you are.

What's good Love, is that you recognize this in yourself and that is half the battle. Self recognition is he beginning of change.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Love.

This is not about us. This is about an adult/child who has serious problems and doesn't/can't/won't stand on her own.

You've made a new beginning just seeing where you are really at, in the relationship. Be kind to you and to your husband at this point. Recognize you are exhausted. You owe yourself so much more than this. When anyone is using us, especially our kids, it is more than OK to say "Stop Now!"

Start thinking about what you truly can control, and start working to let go of the rest that you can't.
So key to all the mess...a line from a movie..."Save yourself, your weapons are useless".
The weaning of the phone calls and texts is crucial. She can wait. Everything is not an emergency. If she calls others, it's ok to tell them you are fine and simply can't involve yourself in her drama. They will see her as she is and probably already do.

Then, stop the flow of money. You can do it slowly. You can say things like: I'm not going to buy any cigarettes for you any more. This is the last week I'm giving you money for _________. Put her on notice that all of the money will stop within a certain time.

...and then expect that she will press hard... we found this the most difficult part-our son never accepted "no". The next day (or hour) he would ask again, acting like we had never said it. "just $5 for cigarettes....just $500 for apartment deposit"... Wash, rinse, repeat. This is where it is hard to hold your ground. HOLD IT. Your happiness and wholeness depends on it.

our Difficult Child come to understand that they can manipulate us by using our emotions against us. They are counting on us to feel guilty so that we will give into them and give them what they want. This is where you have to be prepared.
Many here have found it very helpful to have things written down, almost like a script. Also, it is vital to keep your responses simple. Do not allow her to draw you into an argument or debate.

So agree. We have used "Oh, I'm sure you will figure it out" so many times.

For the first time in years and years I see that although I'm a mum I'm a person too and still have over half my life left God willing .... I'm still weak but each day more is making sense

Please don't waste that "half a life". She is an adult. It has been helpful to me to remember that it is truly disrespectful to our kids to not let them grow and make their own choices and decisions. And live with the consequences. It is how we all learn. Don't take that away from her and lose yourself in the process. You matter, your marriage matters. You can do this, you're stronger than you think. Prayers.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Love,
Welcome to the forum. I have been following along, but took a step back to rest. Your posts are similar to my story with my two. According to them, their lifestyles are all my fault. It is a bunch of bull. This is how d cs keep on doing what they are doing, by blaming someone else.
The manipulative tactics and chaos we deal with is a form of domestic violence, psychologically speaking. It is meant to keep us feeling down and depressed and unable to think clearly. It is sad to think our own adult children could do this to us, but it is how they get what they want.

The more we do for them, the more they want.
The more we do for them, the more they don't have to do anything for themselves.
The more we do for them, the less we are for anybody, even ourselves. Especially ourselves.

I have learned this from my two. It is never enough. Never.

This is more about you than about her at this point. She is going to do what she is going to do. The question is this: What are you going to do? You need to reclaim your own life. You deserve a life, a happy life. It's time

This is so very true. Reclaim your life. Take little steps to find time for yourself. It won't happen overnight, because we have learned to sacrifice for our children. But, they are not little children anymore. We can't protect them from their own decision making as adults. When we draw the line and refuse to buy in to their game, they learn that we will not be puppets to their whims. I also believe that we are teaching our d cs the best way by showing them how to live well, by living well ourselves.
My eldest is homeless, her choice. She was also in an abusive relationship. It is heartwrenching to see, but there is no way to stop the train wreck. She is an adult, we had been "helping" for years. It brought much chaos, thieving, drama, into our lives. She was my husbands obvious favorite, so you can throw the whole "mean stepdad" theory away.
Our kids grow up and make choices. It does not make any sense to jump into the quicksand they choose along with them and double drown in the muck of it.
But, what if we work on ourselves and get stronger, so we will be around when they may decide to get out of the muck?

Realizing that there is probably nothing you could do or say to influence your daughter is a first step.

Work at untangling yourself from the web, dear.
You have value and worth. The best way to show your daughter that she does too, is believing you do, and taking steps toward living to your full potential.
My heart goes out to you.
Keep posting, it really helps to work through this with the wonderful folks here.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf