We had this problem constantly. The only time the problem eased (and it eased A LOT) was when we used the IEP to request playground supervision for him. It was brilliant, but teachers were very angry about it, very resistant because they said it made him seem too "different". I pointed out to them that he already WAS sufficiently different to be a bullying target.
But it really works. If the 'shadow" keeps their distance, or starts up a playground game involving difficult child and with other kids, it can turn playtime into a positive, organised event. At one point difficult child 3 reported to me that the bullies were chasing him again, but this time he was able to go and tell someone who made the bullies leave him alone. He felt so pleased with himself for acting appropriately. And having the CHANCE to act appropriately was what we got, with the playground supervision.
We were told that difficult child 3 should not have unstructured play, and yet I could only get the playground supervision for one term, because nobody requested a report from this experience and so I had no report to point to to say, "We did this; it worked."
Teachers find it easier to blame the weird kid. difficult child 3 has difficulty being sure who did what, his face recognition is faulty. So he could always be shaken in an interrogation, as to who had attacked him. As a result, his story was never believed and the teachers took to saying he was lying. With time, we stopped trying to get action because unless we had strong proof that something had happened, we were told to forget it. That's why I never called the police for all the verbal attacks and the throwing of things at difficult child 3, in the past. I didn't know I could, or should. Instead, I waited until the little darlings drew blood, and then was horrified to hear the police say, "Since we've had no previous reports, we're treating this as an isolated incident."
What has helped us - we have repeatedly tried to train difficult child 3 to NEVER hit back. Just because he sees other kids hitting back when they're bullied, does not mean he can do it too. And the reason is - life is not fair. He cannot live by the same rules as other kids, because he is different. Because he is always the one being blamed. Life is not fair, but he has to recognise this and work with it. If a normal kid hits back, even he loses some rights to complaint over the matter. But when a difficult child hits back, he immediately becomes the instigator and main culprit. Life is not fair. This is not fair. But that is how it works, darn it.
An important point - if you are being hassled by other kids, even if they are hitting you, they are being bad. But if you hit back, even in self-defence - you have lost all opportunity for redress. If you refuse to hit back at all, you have every reason to take them down utterly, the PROPER way (legally). But once you hit back - all bets are off, especially if you're a difficult child. I can help my kid deal with these bullies legally, properly - unless he has hit the other kid at all. If he's touched the other kid - it removes my option to defend my child. Life definitely is not fair in this - but tat is how it is. Sorry to sound repetitive, but I had to drill this into both boys.
So we drilled and drilled, DO NOT HIT BACK. This takes time - kids like this have impulse control and simply telling them is never enough. After the event they know they shouldn't have hit, but in their rage they forget. And BBK, the teachers are wrong and the other kids are wrong - a kid like this is far less capable of controlling himself and not hitting back and this should be considered; but it rarely is.
So we drill it. But supervision, plus tis drill, is what works. We had enough incidents happening under OUR noses, to be able to use our own supervision to help him. At the beach some kids were taunting him. I told difficult child 3 to move away. So the other kids followed and began taunting again. So difficult child 3 moved away again. Finally husband & I decided we had to take him home - he was really being hassled. Simply moving away from the bullies is no protection at all, when they are actively seeking you out for their own amusement. You CAN'T get away, or have you forgotten your own school experiences? Sometimes lunchtime detention can be a blessing.
So we called difficult child 3 to come home from the beach. Just then one of the little darlings must have said something and difficult child 3 snapped. He raced back, knocked the kid flat on his back and laid into him, fists pistoning like a steam train. husband was on him like a flash, I thought he was going to punish him but instead he held difficult child 3 to one side and said to the other kids, "You deserved every bit of that. I've been watching - you haven't let up on his for a minute, have you? Now get lost before I call your parents and tell them what you've been doing!"
Those kids must have had a real guilty conscience because they turned tail and fled and we've never had problems with them since. i think they may have been visitors to the village for the summer, but I'm not sure.
In the recent attack on difficult child 3, the kids were throwing banskia cones (like knobbly pine cones only bigger and heavier) at difficult child 3 and then finally one kid threw a large, very spiky, knobbly tree root. That is what hit difficult child 3's head and made him bleed. difficult child 3 said that he DID throw back some of "the log" when it broke after it hit his head, but he hadn't thrown anything else.
One of the police later told me that one of the kids said that difficult child 3 had started the fight. So I asked difficult child 3, very carefully. "Well, I DID tell them to go away and leave me alone," he began doubtfully, as if already blaming himself for "starting it" by asking them to leave him alone.
It is very sad when this sort of abuse continues to the point that a child thinks he deserved the beating, just because he asked them to stop.
You need to train your child, but you also need to get this stopped. I would strongly recommend you urgently request supervision for all instances of unstructured play. And if they say there's no need, remind them that they think your son is dangerous, and if he really is that bad, then they must protect the other kids from him, mustn't they? Hey, you use their own words against them.
Given the problem, his diagnosis and the history, you should be able to apply for extra funding for this, if necessary. Push for it. Don't let them talk you out of it, as difficult child 3's school did to me.
Good luck. This needs to be fixed.
Marg
