"Why Are You Mad At Me?"

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    difficult child asked me today why I seem like I'm mad at him.

    Hmmmm...lets think about this:

    He got angry at me because I was parenting easy child
    He hit me.
    He threatened to beat the cr@p out of me.
    He pulled a knife and threatened to kill himself.
    And to top it all off, he comes home from school today and complains that he missed the party they had in his Italian class this past Friday because he had to spend the night in psychiatric ER and tells me, yet again, that it's all my fault because calling the police while he was brandishing said knife was unnecessary.

    Gee...I can't for the life of me figure out why difficult child is not my favorite person right now.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Bunny...

    *I* understand where you are coming from.
    difficult child will not.

    HE has moved on. Funny how that works... the stuff that WE see as a problem, they move on from quickly, but if it's a problem to THEM... well, you Know what I mean?.

    But for this kind of stuff?
    I had to really learn how to park my anger, resentment, and other negative feelings.
    I have to KEEP my vigilance and sensitivity, which still bug difficult child, but there is a logic to that... you do X, Y or Z and I have to be extra careful to see it coming next time. But still being upset about it? If I do... things escalate again REALLY fast. It's in MY best interests to drop the negative load really fast.
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I'm struggling with that. Home is supposed to be our safe place and I feel like the minute he picked that knife up he took that away from me. From all of us.

    The whole blame Mom things grates on my nerves, too. He refuses to accept that this was his fault. No one made him pick up a knife and make threats with it. HE did that. Himself. No me. Not easy child. Him. And yet it's all my fault.

    It does not help that husband sort of left everything for me to deal with. He spent all day sleeping yesterday afternoon. I asked him why he was sleeping so much and he said that he wasn't sleeping. He was "listening" for any trouble between difficult child and easy child. I asked him where the kids were. He said in difficult child's room. I advised him that he must not have been listening that hard because the kids were not in difficult child's room, but that they had gone into the basement to play. Just another weekend day in my house. husband spends his time in the farthest part of the house from where the kids are. When they move, he moves, leaving me to listen to make sure that no trouble starts. I'm sick of it.
     
  4. Winnielg

    Winnielg New Member

    I don't know. I am with you bunny. I think difficult child has to understand that his actions and the fallout do not just go away because he is over it. I know to him it is done like InsanC says. I understand that is how he thinks but that is not the real world and if he did that elsewhere he would've arrested or committed, period. This is what all the difficult children care providers have said that have worked with him for years. At this point he may not agree or accept how we feel but as time passes he knows he has to wait and or deal with it. And that people need time to heal. Additionally he has been told repeatedly by all of his care providers that the more abusive situations that happen, the longer the abused takes to heal a little after each one.

    Now this year as things have escalated for us so much we - with the advice if the specialists - no longer couch what we say. We are direct about how we feel.

    in my humble opinion your difficult child needs to know eventually that the hospital was one option. The fact that he hit you could be considered assault and the police could have arrested him. Those are real life consequences to such behavior. Don't get me wrong I do not think the Criminal justice system is the place for our difficult children but one day that will not be our choice as it mostly is now.

    After one incident the police told difficult child that if they could have seen bruises on me which they assumed would come later ( they did) they would have arrested him regardless of what I said.

    I know you spoke of difficult child not understanding why you were mad but I think that this all ties in together.
     
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    problem is.....he may not cognitively be able to connect actions to consequences beyond one step.

    That is a common skill deficit and is often an iep goal. plus, .many are simply not able to take a perspective outside themselves.

    I feel the same. I wish Q understood why I didn't feel like making him a hot breakfast today ( He was mean last night)

    I really do get it. But I understand that he needs more direct teaching to learn. It's really not a choice for many difficult children.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The problem with husband, on the other hand...

    GAAHHH!!!!!

    It's hard enough to parent difficult child with two of us on the same page.
    I can't imagine those who do it as a single parent, but...
    Even that has to be easier than having a husband who is worse than no help.
     
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I agree. I still think you and stressed momma should run away!
     
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    My difficult child 1 can plan a few steps ahead, can see (limited) how others feel, and he can put it together in a family situation. At least he can in therapy. So we do tell him very bluntly what the consequences (emotional and legal) his actions will/do have. husband is like you and just can't let difficult child 1's past behaviors go. It has ruined their relationship. I am much more able to see that today is new and difficult child 1 can restart with a clean slate. Now that difficult child 1 is a teenager, getting to be about my size, and more is expected of him by the outside world (if he can do it or not it is still expected) I'm beginning to see some value to the way husband thinks and handles difficult child 1.

    I understand how upseting it is when husband hides all day letting all the parenting fall on you. My husband does that too. And even though he has the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis it still hurts and is hard for me. And then when he does come out if his cave in the basement and try to parent he makes it much much worse.

    If you ever find a solution there are a few of us here that would like the answer.:hypnotized: Mind control would fix all our problems ;)
     
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