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Why can’t I stop poking the bear? (Borderline estranged daughter)
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 764360" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>Coffee ~</p><p></p><p>you are not weak. In these times, birthdays, annual dates of whatever we check in to see how our world is. And yes sometimes we are hoping for a miracle, that most likely will not come. </p><p></p><p>And yes she did, hoping you would see it. She looks in the mirror, in lightening speed moves the blame for her life onto you and hopes you suffer for it.</p><p>If she didn't think about you, and blame you, if she were moving on with her life and taking responsibility herself she would not have done that. And that is on her.</p><p></p><p>Yep, and when my son was at his lowest he looked everywhere but to himself to try to lay blame, and I looked into his life as much as much as I could. I think it's called pain searching.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Detaching with love is to accept someone for who they are, warts and all. But it does not mean accepting their warts are your warts. This one is so hard to explain without going down a rabbit hole. For many years my identity was wrapped up with how my son saw me. That is not your identity, never was , and was not my identity. I searched and searched for answers, and yeah I was not perfect but have a solid base under me now to know, without a doubt. I did not cause my son's emotional issues. I was there and present, and did not bring what they now call generational trauma into my son's life. Now it's blamed on my parents with this bs because blaming me is no longer working. Um, no, I am now and was always present in my son's life. I have been down this road for way too many years, with way too much actual questioning of my behaviors, emotional reactions, physical reactions to know now how to separate myself from my son at this point.</p><p></p><p>You need to get back to the reflection of you in the mirror. This description from your daughter, it should not be permanent. I thought it was for me with all of the hate coming from my son who I gave away myself to, for so many years. I thought of myself as a failure when the most important person in my life, my only son, was so hateful towards me. Like if the most important person, the one who I had poured all of my love, concern, time, and energy into hates me then wow I must be a real piece of crap because even this person thinks this of me. I must be that piece of crap. But with time and space, and I think with therapy in your case, you can be brought back to yourself. Who knows what she will think, do say, whatever. But I have to tell you, you are only here on this earth for so much time. You deserve to find joy in your life, peace in your life, simple things, you know what they are for you, and to be able to appreciate the people in your life who quietly simply celebrate life with you.</p><p></p><p>Love to you, it's hard but please do whatever you should to be present for the others in your life while detaching with love, letting it be what it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 764360, member: 22840"] Coffee ~ you are not weak. In these times, birthdays, annual dates of whatever we check in to see how our world is. And yes sometimes we are hoping for a miracle, that most likely will not come. And yes she did, hoping you would see it. She looks in the mirror, in lightening speed moves the blame for her life onto you and hopes you suffer for it. If she didn't think about you, and blame you, if she were moving on with her life and taking responsibility herself she would not have done that. And that is on her. Yep, and when my son was at his lowest he looked everywhere but to himself to try to lay blame, and I looked into his life as much as much as I could. I think it's called pain searching. Detaching with love is to accept someone for who they are, warts and all. But it does not mean accepting their warts are your warts. This one is so hard to explain without going down a rabbit hole. For many years my identity was wrapped up with how my son saw me. That is not your identity, never was , and was not my identity. I searched and searched for answers, and yeah I was not perfect but have a solid base under me now to know, without a doubt. I did not cause my son's emotional issues. I was there and present, and did not bring what they now call generational trauma into my son's life. Now it's blamed on my parents with this bs because blaming me is no longer working. Um, no, I am now and was always present in my son's life. I have been down this road for way too many years, with way too much actual questioning of my behaviors, emotional reactions, physical reactions to know now how to separate myself from my son at this point. You need to get back to the reflection of you in the mirror. This description from your daughter, it should not be permanent. I thought it was for me with all of the hate coming from my son who I gave away myself to, for so many years. I thought of myself as a failure when the most important person in my life, my only son, was so hateful towards me. Like if the most important person, the one who I had poured all of my love, concern, time, and energy into hates me then wow I must be a real piece of crap because even this person thinks this of me. I must be that piece of crap. But with time and space, and I think with therapy in your case, you can be brought back to yourself. Who knows what she will think, do say, whatever. But I have to tell you, you are only here on this earth for so much time. You deserve to find joy in your life, peace in your life, simple things, you know what they are for you, and to be able to appreciate the people in your life who quietly simply celebrate life with you. Love to you, it's hard but please do whatever you should to be present for the others in your life while detaching with love, letting it be what it is. [/QUOTE]
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Why can’t I stop poking the bear? (Borderline estranged daughter)
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