Why can't he enjoy himself?

[butterflydreams]

difficult child started with the Boys and Girls Club yesterday. His psychiatrist recommended that he attend some sort of summer program so not only would difficult child be occupied, but he would be able to work on his socialization skills, which he really needs. We agreed on 3 days per week of attending the Boys and Girls Club and the other 2 can be at home under easy child's care - as long as his behaviors are ok.

When I picked difficult child up last night, he said his day was alright. Later in the evening he told me that other than not getting to play pool (he loves the game), he had a good day. I thought, this is great!

This morning, difficult child starts in with I don't want to go, I hate it there, nobody likes me, they all call me fatty and there is this kid who is like a stalker and wont leave him alone even though he asks him to leave him alone. He said because this kid seemed to shadow him, the other kids wouldn't have anything to do with him. He said someone had told him to not talk to the kid because he will never leave you alone. He also said that the other kids always tell the kid to go away he stinks. difficult child said that he didn't want to do that. That was good and I told difficult child I was proud of him for not resorting to that and that the other kids probably resorted to that out of frustration.

difficult child told me that he was afraid of losing his temper if the kid continued to bug him. He said he would end up back inpatient if he lost his temper. He said that if he gets into a fight that he will finish it. I talked to difficult child and said that if the kid is truly bothering him and it is pushing his limits then he needs to tell him to please leave him alone and walk away. If this doesn't work, then he needs to go to an adult. I reminded him to use his coping skills.

difficult child would be happiest if he could just stay at home and never have to deal with anyone. That can't happen. I can't imagine spending the next couple of months with him putting up a fight 3 mornings a week about attending.

He needs to do something. I can barely afford to send him to the Boys and Girls Club as it is and any other summer programs I checked into I can't afford.

He says he enjoyed himself - AND THEN changes his tune this morning? I don't know, maybe it's the social anxiety kicking in? It's 2 weeks until his next psychiatrist appointment - thats 6 days of attending Boys and Girls Club - with potential fights every morning - UGH.

Any thoughts?

Christy

 

[gcvmom]

Sounds like anxiety to me. Maybe you should call the psychiatrist anyway. There's no need to go through two more weeks of torture, especially if it's something that can be addressed with a dosage adjustment or something else. That way you have two weeks to try whatever idea the psychiatrist has and can report back to him when you finally meet.

 

[butterflydreams]

good idea. I will put in a call to his office right now.

 

[Andy]

Christy, I am interested in how this works out for you.

My kids really never liked day programs - especially difficult child. He has always been a loner - like my grandpa. I never forced him to join in since he was happy to just watch. Many kids are observers first and then joiners. My difficult child was diagnosis with severe anxiety last fall and now since he has been in therapy and on Flourexitine and Clonazepam, he is more willing to join in (though I do think it is also because he is growing older and feeling better about his own abilities?). My difficult child has watched for a long time and is now ready to join in but doesn't know how. Fortunately we have found cub scouts and other things were kids are accepting him (until he starts to show his anger which has only been at school this late Winter and all Spring)

He has never wanted to join any sports because he wants to be perfect before doing something. This Summer he is in Dwarf League Baseball and is probably one of very few with absolutley no baseball background - other kids have gone through toss and tee. The other kids have accepted them as they would anyone and I love watching him interact with the other kids (he doesn't know them), joking with them on the bench. I think he is doing fantastic - doesn't look like a brand new player.

The day programs in our town (YMCA and Parks & Rec) have college kids as councelors. They don't always know how to deal with GFGness in a group setting. One year they had the kids go outside in a heat advisory - Just to say they don't have a lot of experience with watching large groups of kids.

This summer I have an awesome 15 yr old boy coming into my home to "watch" difficult child. They play board games, ride bikes, go bowling, make their own lunch (usually grill something on the outside grill), practice baseball skills, ect. It is just the one on one difficult child needs right now. He is getting sociallizing through baseball and bowling and later this summer, football.

Please let me know what you find for answers since I am still looking for more answers.

Since your difficult child was fine when you picked him up, it is almost as if he forgot any fun and is coming up with reasons not to go. Goes with emphasising the negative - the more he thinks of these little things, the bigger they get. Also, the first step in joining a group is hard even if he just went through it yesterday and was fine.

 

[4sumrzn]

Maybe it will just take a few days. He said he enjoyed himself...maybe he really did & then started thinking about things that he doesn't want to face. Like...making new friends & being accepted. Is it possible that those types of ideas just started brewing in his head & he just wants to throw it out now? I guess I would want to encourage him to go a couple more days & see if he feels better about it. Along with talking to psychiatrist. Best of luck & I hope he finds that it is enjoyable being there.

 

[butterflydreams]

Thank you so much - I really hope it is just a matter of him getting used to being there. I will definitely let you know how it goes. I do have a message into psychiatrist (already needed to call him about difficult child's Daytrana patch and easy child's medications). I will see how he is tonight. I am really hoping this works for him. he does get into the negative and tends to forget that he had fun. He so needs the socialization.

As far as not liking day programs - this is the first time. psychiatrist not only wanted him to be able to work on the socialization, but he wanted him to have some kind of routine this summer, particularly since we were dealing with school refusal this past year and he steers away from social situations.

Christy

 

[witzend]

You might want to talk to him about alternatives to getting angry, and how to diffuse the situation with this boy, as well. "I can't do that with you right now, I'm doing such and such with Joey." Or finding a counselor to assist with a job to get away from him.

I can certainly understand him not wanting to get stuck in with the "square peg" right off the bat. I also agree that you can't let it escalate for six visits before addressing it with the psychiatrist. It will be way too far out of control by that time.

 

[Christy]

Christy,

Just wanted to wish you luck. I hope things improve. Is it possible to discuss the situation with the counselors. I can't help but feel bad for the pesky kid your son told you about. Good for your son for not being mean to him.

Just wanted to throw this out, I understand the reasons that the psychiatrist wanted him to be involved in something; howevever, I am of the opinion that social interactions with the wrong type of individual is worse than no interaction. It may just be difficult child's biased interprtation, but the kids at the camp sound mean. Do you think he will end up in trouble there?

If this turns out to be a bad experience. Is there, maybe a volunteer program, difficult child could get involved in. The animal shelter, the library, hospital, etc... Something that would get difficult child into a routine and be a positive experience.

Good Luck. Let us know how things are going.
Christy

 

[TerryJ2]

I tend to make my difficult child move forward with-things, regardless. If it gets totally ridiculous, then I'll pull him out. But if he makes it through the first wk of something, then I know it will be okay.
One day isn't enough time to tell.
Also, when kids are bugged too muich by other kids, they need to confide in an adult. That's what adults are there for.
If it doesn't work out, is there a YMCA in your area? Ours has summer programs.

 

[butterflydreams]

Thank you all.

difficult child had a good day yesterday. No complaints at all about the kid that had bothered him the day before. The only complaint he had was he was playing basketball at one point and he was doing fine for awhile and then he started messing up and lost his concentration. Some other boys came in there and told him he had to leave the court. He said it was very rude but he just went and found something else to do.

He said he enjoyed his day - he had fallen and scraped up his knee somewhat but that didn't dampen anything.

We talked about the different situations and why some people act the way they do (like the kids who kicked him off the court). I talked with him about going there 3 days per week. He asked if 2 days was an option - I told him no, he needed the 3 days. He didn't argue.

I will definitely bring all of this up at his next therapy session next week too. I did put in a call to psychiatrist yesterday about this as well as other things. Haven't heard anything though.

I am thinking that if he gives it a few more days that it will be fine (I hope). In the mean time, I will check into alternatives. Problem is, I need to drop him off before I go to work (8am) and be able to pick him up on the way home (5:30p) so it needs to be an all day program. The summer program through the parks district was already full when I checked into it, the registration started in March, besides in order to hold their place, you have to pay for the whole summer at once - I can't do that. I will re-check into the YMCA again.

Thanks again.

Christy