Why did I answer his call?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Annie2007, Jul 9, 2014.

  1. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    My son just called and I did what I said I would not do. I answered it. He demanded money because he is hungry and homeless. He just got his disability check of over 900 on the 3rd and he has no money(?) Once again I told him no and he blasted obscenities. Said it was my fault because I moved him around when he was in grade school, first to what turned out to be a bad part of Houston and then we moved to a nicer part (with rich kids he said). So of course it is my fault. Then he started talking about something that made no sense at all. He has no car and pays no bills so where is the money going? He said it is expensive to live on streets. He again asked me to send food (and to where?). Finally I hung up. He called four more times within 3 minutes and I did not answer. Before hanging up, I asked him if he read my letter or my text where I said I was taking a break from his verbal abuse. He said he does not read any of my stuff cuz it makes no f---ing sense. I told myself I was going to al anon last night and did not. Feeling bad about that because I know it would help. This site helps me so much and I know al anon would too. Even though his illness is addiction and bipolar, I know it would help. It is 7:15 pm here and I just want to crawl under the covers. I already go to bed early as I get up at 4:30 am. But at least when sleeping I don't think.

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  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Annie go to the very next alanon meeting that you can go to even if you don't feel at all like going. Then go to another. And another.

    You are in the throes of making a break from him and his constant barrage. You need support and reinforcement.

    You WILL start feeling better as you turn the focus from him to yourself but it takes time and work.

    Hang in there. You will continue to move forward inch by inch.

    Stand your ground. You are doing the absolute right thing by creating space and distance. He is a grown man and will have to figure his own life out.

    Warm hugs to you Annie. We care about you.

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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Annie it isn't your fault, it isn't under your control, you are in fact powerless to enact any change whatsoever in your son. You are being held hostage by his abusive and disrespectful behavior, do not allow him to talk to you in that manner. What we allow is what we end up living with, do not allow it.

    COM gave you the best advice, get yourself to that al anon meeting whether you feel like it or not, you will end up feeling so much better. You will need truckloads of support in order to stop the patterned behavior you and your son engage in. He manipulates you with guilt. There is no reason he should be hungry, there are shelters and food banks everywhere. And, if he spent $900 in 6 days, then that is his issue to figure out, NOT YOURS. You do not have to listen to his abuse. You do not have to do anything about his life. What is necessary now is for you to distance yourself from him and do not answer the phone. Our difficult child's are remarkably resourceful, manipulative and resilient. The consequence of spending all of his money is HIS consequence, NOT YOURS. You didn't do anything wrong.

    Take deep breaths. Take a bath. Read a book. Take your mind off of your son and refocus on YOU. Do something kind and nurturing for YOU, your life is important and as most of us here do, you have probably neglected it. That alone will make us feel depressed and lonely. Take care of YOU now. YOU. It is imperative that you begin to focus on your needs and wants, on what makes YOU happy, on how you want to spend YOUR time. Once you begin that journey, the choices for your son will develop naturally. It's a process and there are hurdles along the way where we feel guilty and sad, but letting go is what we need to do, letting them go into their own live and make their own choices.

    If your son is indeed bi polar and addicted, there are resources for him if HE chose to go that route. But HE has to be the one to choose. People in the throes of mental illness CAN make the choice to change. If they don't there isn't ANYTHING you can do about it. That's where detachment comes in.

    Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post again and if you can, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Find tools to help you, keep your arsenal of tools available to you at all times, meetings, books, supportive environments, perhaps counseling, parent groups, make sure you exercise and eat right, sleep well and find ways to laugh. Life is not over Anne, but you are the only one who can grab your life and gain back control so you can find peace of mind and joy.

    Hang in there, it WILL get better. Choose to make changes. We're here to support you.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Annie, I don't think pot alone makes one act that way. My daughter used uppers and downers and, as you can imagine, she was up and down and asleep and then awake all night.

    Annie, my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar when she used drugs. She is clean and clearly does not have a mood disorder. Drugs make you act crazy, moody, mean, violent, you name it. Maybe your child does also have bipolar, but the drugs...oh, those drugs.

    This is not your fault. The behavior is now on your son's shoulders. I stopped sending letters. They make ME feel better and, in desperation, I hope they are read a nd understood. I have found they are not even read and that my difficult child does not understand them.

    Time to take care of Annie, the great mother who has done all she could for her child, and who deserves to have a wonderful life.
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I totally agree with how much drugs can change a person. I know people with disorders that are under control and they live productive happy lives. Stir drugs in the pot and everything changes.

    My difficult child was trying to manipulate me and it does take a while to get to a calm place. Take care of you.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong. Don't let him beat you down.
  7. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Annie, do not let him lay the guilt trip of when he was younger, my son does the same. "It's all your fault because of moving me to ____ town if I only had stayed in ___ town I would've never met those bad kids that got me started in this mess" and now it's "If you never married ___ I would've never started smoking". I use to feel guilty all the time, crying spells, crying out to God asking "Where did I go wrong?" etc.etc. Now I've gotten stronger tell my son "I will not take responsibility for your poor choices in life, you are old enough to know right from wrong " . As far as his pot pals go...my response is "you choose who you are going to cling to for friends". I say all this to him but inside there's always a sting left over, I just can't let him know about it. This is so hard, I hate drugs! My son has cried homeless and hungry too but when I gave him that 800 # for the shelter ...he never called it. Stay strong Annie.
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  8. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Thanks for all the input. As far as the bipolar goes, even though he had been diagnosed by at least 7 doctors as bipolar with psychotic tendencies, I do wonder if he really is. Every time he was diagnosed, apparently he was coming off drugs. I really do not know which it is. But drugs were much more than pot. He was in the army based in Hawaii years ago (kicked out for pot). He then got into ecstasy, pain pills and who knows what else. Later it was mostly opiates, then methadone to get off the pain pills and then lastly, suboxene Which he really seemed to prefer. I don't know what he is on now since he tells me nothing and homeless 2300 miles away. He tells me the shelters are all bs and not available like they say on internet. He says nobody will help him and as his mother, I am responsible for him being homeless. He says he wants to work, but wants a job handed to him and always trying to find someone who can get him a job. Says he can't get one on his own. He says the "now hiring" signs you see are not really jobs and it is just part of the governments plan. I am at a place right now where the very first thing I think about when I wake up is him and it literally makes me sick. The minute I awake I have a very sinking feeling about him....every morning and this has been going on since he was 14. He will be 33 this month. It is not fair. At 60 I should be happier and enjoying life. I sit here every night trying to get used to the new normal with him and my brain- injured husband. Everyone that knows me thinks I am so calm and laid back. But what they don't know is on the inside I am a very anxious person having suffered with panic disorder for years. My dear husband really needs me and I need to learn that things will never be the way they were before his injury. I love him dearly but miss the man he was and the life we had four years ago. He is very needy now and was so different before. He wants to sit in his recliner all day and watch Fox News. That in itself is driving me nuts. Sometimes he meets me in the middle and we watch the weather channel! Enough rambling!

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  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well bipolar people can run through money fast! I know I do. I suppose it would cost more to buy food for meals if all you do is eat out too but even I didnt go through 900 in less than a week without something to show for it...just check out my fridge, pantry and the nice box from amazon!

    Im sorta tongue in cheek here. You know very well that you didnt cause mental illness in your son. If he truly is bipolar then it is genetic. If it is all drug related, well, then that is biochemical. No matter what, its all up to him now anyway.
  10. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    That is what is really bothering me. His half brother is szchophrenic and so i am not sure. I was off work today and he did not know it, but he called and hung up on vm 5 times in five minutes. I see where some moms here call and talk to shelters. do you suppose I can call one when i am so far away and find out what the criteria is for getting him in one? I have looked on internet and there are several around the area I think he is. But I know he would not go. He would rather stay on the streets than be around those "crazy people" ..Just dont know what to do and why do I think i need to do anything for him?

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  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  12. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My difficult child turned 36 two days ago, he was really difficult from birth, but the problems started when he became school age. By middle school he was skipping a lot, sneaking out the windows at night, totally out of control.

    He did have a rough start and his dead beat dad made matters much worse. I had him in as many programs as I could afford, in house behavioral treatment for a month, two court ordered rehabs (one he walked away close to nine months and had to stay three more months). I drove my gifted son to get his GED and sat in the car the entire time to make sure he didn't walk way.

    I let him use my guilt against me, I truly wish I could go back and change things, starting with a better choice of a father for him!

    I have had counseling and I thought I was controlling my enabling, but they slowly suck you into do things for them. When I found out about his lastest (their lol) con, lies about living on the streets being hungry, I confronted him and stopped the money and he threatened suicide.

    I stopped trying to find shelters, mental health clinics EVERYTHING. He was PO'd and stopped contact with me and then the entire family for over a year. She had already run off most of his friends.

    I was extremely hurt and took the time to take care of me, I did not try to contact him, I'm sure he really did have it rough then because he was homeless. After a little over a year he contacted me, he had a job. Then he dropped out again and after about 3 months he told me he had moved from Florida to Denver. Now he has disappeared again for a while.

    It is so very hard, we love them. I learned nothing I do to help is helping, he really just wants a check each month. Find some hobbies you enjoy, I joined the Red Hat Society and act silly once a month lol. My biggest help was joining a spiritual group where we focus on us, as really we are the only person we can control.

    My difficult child has had so many chances, he is so immature, doesn't learn from his mistakes. He has reached an age where 'what you see is what you get' most don't change unless they really want to and he doesn't want to. The only person I can change is me.
    (((hugs and peace)))
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2014
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this will be of a help to you but my husband says this to me often when I am concerned about my son and I walk on eggshells around him. I'm scared to death he's going to kill himself. My husband says, "He's either gonna make it or he's not" It's not up to us. And he let's it go totally, he's right, I try to do it too. My husband is at peace but I am in a worked up state forever and it really does help to adapt my husband's way of thinking. It does help, maybe you can try that. Hugs. He doesn't blame me for stuff but he's in his own world. I can't really explain properly, I don't know what I'm doing. husband is the voice of reason. The same goes for your son, I know where your coming from. Don't go down the rabbit hole, Know what I mean??
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