Why did I answer??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jul 8, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Some weird number just called and although I hesitated, I answered. easy child is away for the week at sleep away camp and I figured I'd answer in case there was some emergency with him. It's wasn't easy child. Guess who it was? difficult child! Uggggh!

    I haven't heard from him in days and he hasn't been on FB at all. I've been trying to stay calm and not imagine the worst. It's been difficult but I've actually been coping well and not obsessing. My husband and I had a long talk over the weekend and I cried my eyes out and explained how much this hurts me to my very core. He said he knows and he loves me very much and we'll get through this. I've always known that but I feel so much stronger since that talk.

    Anyway, when I answered the phone difficult child was so nonchalant. "Hi Mom....I'm fine. I'm with a friend. My girlfriend says hello". Then a few minutes in - "I'm starving. It's hot. Hey mom, I need to ask, can you please give me money for food". And there it is. Can you give me money? Can you do something for me?

    I stayed calm yet cold and said, "So difficult child, what have you been doing to help yourself?" He said he's waiting for MHA to contact him back. He's on the waiting list at the shelter. He's applied for services but they never turned on his food stamps. So I counteracted - I said, "Who is your caseworker with MHA?" He doesn't know. "How long until the shelter is available?" He has no idea. "How did you apply for services without your BC?" No answer.

    So yeah - he's doing nothing. Not one thing to help himself. No big surprise but the call shook me and caught me off guard. I said I was at work and couldn't talk right now but I didn't have the guts to actually say NO - you can not have money for food. I hate that I couldn't speak the word NO. Why couldn't I say it? I feel like such a coward. My peaceful day was just ambushed by a sneak attack and I don't like it one bit. I'm actually sick to my stomach now and having a pretty decent panic attack. But I'm going to breath and stay strong and try my very best to forge through.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you handled it pretty well. Saying no is really hard to do. It gets easier after a while but it still isn't fun.
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  3. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member


    Your difficult child could be my difficult child's twin. He does the same thing and I go through the same fear, panic, confusion, etc. as you are. He only contacts me when he wants something (food, money, phone, etc) I understand and you are not alone. Stay the course and take care of you. Sending hugs,

  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    JKF, you did not say no...but you did not say "yes". That is a win of the first order. Like we always say here on the site, none of this, not one little thing about any of this, is easy. But you have taken a huge step JKF, by not saying "yes". In addition, guilt over difficult child's current situation is nowhere in evidence in your post.

    Another win.

    The problem is, these things don't feel like a win. In the real world, the things we have to do to parent difficult child kids hurt us more than they hurt the kids. It is a great feeling to help our kids, to go to dinner with our kids, to send them little surprises in the mail and love them all the time and have happy hearts from it. We don't get to do that stuff with difficult child kids.

    It is the situation that is bad, JKF. Not you, and not even difficult child.

    We are learning a better way to parent difficult child kids.

    It is hard to go against every instinct we have but that is the only way to help them.

    You are doing just fine. It all takes time. You have made a new beginning, and you are over the first hurdle. It will not get easier from here, but all the little successes and the changed behaviors they bring will provide solid ground.

    You are doing just fine.

    I know it's hard, JKF.

    Nothing else has worked.

    Keeping you in my thoughts this afternoon.

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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    JKF, I think you did an awesome job! You called him on his BS and that is huge. And telling him you were at work was basically telling him "Not only do I realize this is BS, I do not have time for this BS." So I am giving you the winner!
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The money is for drugs. There are plenty of places for our homeless difficult children to get food.I don't believe he needs food. If you feel guilty, buy him some staple foods, like peanut butter, and deliver it to him. Bet he's not interested. He wan'Tourette's Syndrome the cash only...for dope.

    Told you he has just ramping up to ask for something. Beware. More requests may be coming.
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, JKF, you did very well and I know how it doesn't feel good. You know the drill now, breathe, take a moment to see the truth of what happened and how you had a boundary up and he didn't get what he wanted from you..............and it still sucks. I know.

    Be very kind to yourself JKF, read that book in bed like you like to do, enjoy your husband, enjoy how much he loves you.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You did a wonderful job. It wasn't an easy job, but it was way easier than getting sucked into it. I think you should be proud of yourself - and I don't blame you for feeling sick to your stomach one little bit.
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  9. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    at this point, this is a fear-- a phone call, out of the blue, asking for bare necessity money. husband and i worry that all our strength could be sucked right out.

    You did GREAT. Hope we do as well, if and when it happens (and we suspect it might).
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  10. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    You did really well JKF. Thinking fast 'on the hoof', not saying "yes" even though he's caught you unawares, giving yourself time to think. I often say "no" without actually saying "no". That's what you did. Three cheers for JKF!
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  11. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    As my kids would say..you did awesome!!! I could easily have gone into a FOG when he started telling all the stuff he was doing for himself...especially if I was taken by surprise, as you were..but you had the presence of mind to ask for details and reveal his baloney.

    Its OK to cry your eyes out. What else is there to do sometimes? Those tears help us move forward. I'm glad you have husband.
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  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Right there with you JFK. I am polishing my armor and breaking out the deflectors. I have fashioned a few extras. My only question is what color would you like yours to be. I am going with a lovely periwinkle blue to bring out the blue in my eyes.
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Oh, good thinking, MWM.