Why do I keep hoping that he will change?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, May 8, 2014.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Ant came home to visit and so that we could meet the newest "love of his life". He arrived on Monday in time to have a family dinner at my Mom's. The new girl is very nice. I like her and the fact that she's real and not his normal brainless arm candy was really a nice change.

    He leaves after dinner to go visit friends but he'll be at my house for the night and he says he'll be there before I go to bed since I get up so early (3:30am). At 2:45am, he shows up. He picks the spare room with the king bed for them to stay in.

    I take half a day of vacation to spend time visiting with him, so I'm home by 10:30. Of course, I get there and they sleep until 1:00. (I could of saved my leave). The girlfriend sat and talked with me after she got ready. Ant on the other hand, really didn't talk to me except to say how broke he was and he could really use some gas money. Then off they went.

    I didn't hear a word from Ant until midnight last night when I got a phone call. With a 96 year old grandma, middle of the night phone calls scare the crud out of me. Anyways, I answer the call to a "Open the front door!". So in they walk and they go to bed in the OTHER spare room. (gee, thanks for using both beds so I now have double laundry)... The only conversation I got from Ant was "we had a lot of fun today. We went to the Crab Pot for dinner and rode the Ferris Wheel. We are leaving in the morning. Got any more money for me?"

    Why do I keep hoping that he will grow up? That ONE DAY, he won't be a disrepectful, inconsiderate brat!?

    I'm so glad he lives 4 hours away! At least I only have to see him a couple of times a year. And he can pull off a descent guy in text messages better than he can in real life.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you love him too much.

    Only you can decide whether this relationship with your son is enough for you. He is twenty-three. That is very young. I wonder whether it would help if you went out and got a card appropriate to his visit. (You know, so nice to have seen you, that kind of thing.) In the card, you might tell him how much you enjoyed what you did enjoy, but also that you are hoping to spend more face to face, tell-me-how-you-are, let-me-tell-you-how-I-am time with him, and with his girlfriend next time.

    Unless you are very upset about it, I would not mention the money until he tells you he plans to visit, again. At that time, after you have told him how much you are looking forward to his visit, you could tell him what you can and cannot afford.

    I am happy for you that you saw your son.

    :O)

    Cedar
     
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Because you are human and a mother! We all want our kids to grow up and become loving respectful humans.

    On the other hand I think you were very nice to open the door for them in the middle of the night. I would have said no.
     
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I think you should tell him to be sure to strip the beds and put the sheets in the laundry before they leave.

    That behavior is kind of in keeping with most teens/young 20's I know when visiting their homes...just inconsiderate jerkiness. We deserve better and need to put our feet down and say so...but I don't think this is full on difficult child behavior. Give him a hug kiss and slap and make him do the laundry.
     
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    HA! It would never occur to me to do such a thing. But do you know? While difficult child daughter leaves a horrendous mess...difficult child son leaves his area spotless ~ including stripping the sheets.

    And he refuses to allow me to coddle his children beyond a certain level.

    On the other hand, he did tell me I was a crummy mother and call me a jerk, so there you go.

    Ew.

    Cedar
     
  6. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    It's so hard to not be a gracious, loving, unselfish mom. It's in our DNA. I'm the world's worst at STILL wanting to do nice things for difficult child, conveniently forgetting that it may not be in my best interest to do so. Don't you think it's a desire to be like moms get to be who don't have to practice detachment?
     
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Over the past four years, easy child and girlfriend-now-fiancee have lived four hours away as they have been in grad school/pharmacy school and my house is their HQ when they come into town--where they both went to undergrad school.

    I am glad that they come and I want them to be here. This is where easy child grew up---it was his house too for years.

    But now it's my house and they are guests. The first few times easy child and girlfriend came, easy child just plopped down and "came home." They took over the living room and their computers and ipads and stuff was everywhere. When they left, the upstairs guest room and bathroom were unmade, towels, etc. I would buy all kinds of food and kind of wait to see what their schedules were to cook big dinners, etc. A lot of the time, I threw the food away and they were running all day and night when they were here so few big dinners as I had envisioned.

    So, finally, I said hey you guys. I want you to come and feel at home, anytime. When you leave, leave it like you found it.
    I'll have some drinks and fruit here but it looks like you want to eat at your fave places while you're here, so I'm not going to plan food. I would like to cook some dinners from visit to visit, so we can all sit down together. Let's plan that before you come on some of your visits.

    You know, that has worked well. We came to an understanding and the past years of visits have been very enjoyable.

    For difficult child...last time he was here for several hours he took a shower, at something, and that was okay too. Little bits of time work best with him and me. If he wanted to spend the night here, I would have to stay up all night protecting my home. Not.
     
  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hey COM, I have a similar family to yours in that I have a difficult child who I post about here, but there is also a easy child/difficult child who has a girlfriend and they come to see us now and then. I say easy child/difficult child because he is a "professional college student" (though brilliant) --depression is the reason-but he is doing great right now. I could relate to your post!!
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your post sounds like me when I was that age...lol. Eventually my step mom sat me down and told me what she expected of me. After that I complied. Part of my issues was I was never taught to do anything growing up. You will think this is funny but growing up I actually thought there was a clean clothes fairy that did laundry. My entire life I tossed my dirty laundry on the floor of my closet and like magic, it always appeared clean, folded and hung up in my closet. Can you imagine my surprise when I moved out on my own and that didnt happen????? I didnt even know how to use a laundry mat! You can believe I taught my boys. Once they were tall enough to reach the machines they did their own laundry.
     
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