Why do they lie, when we dont even ask them too?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jen, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. Jen

    Jen New Member

    My difficult child son, his wife and baby have been out on their own for 6 months. He screwed up here in regards to working, and lost the place they were living in. So he moves back to our hometown to start anew, which is about the 4th time in the last yr. He tells me he got a job about a month after. I covered the next 6 months car insurance for us all. Mind you that over 1/2 of the cost is due to his poor drivng record, no accidents just a lead foot. He as been mowing our grass for gas money. Whil;e we were gone he comes over to mow, too soon, but takes the money anyway, and then lies a second time that he was not in our house. Gosh I wonder how his baseball glove got in the house? "I dont have any of your new house keys to the house". Fortunately nothing else was missing. I think he learned his lesson from this past winter, when we had the polioce involved.. Now he tells me about a new job he took through the temp service in a field a he knows, welding and of course it does pay better then general labor. He tells me one day is drug testing which is not a problem, and the the next day he starts. That he found a daycare for the baby, and even though they only need one for partime, everywhere he called only takes fulltime infants. Supposedly he goes to work, then injures his hand, but stays at work. They sent him to the hospital after and they told him his knucle is fractured. Cant do anything for that, and his hand looks normal, mind you I am a nurse. He tells me he was told by the plant to stay home the next day. I talked to him basically about being a whimp, yada, yada... I call his house the next day knowing his wife is off, adn guess what? He answeres the phone half asleep. When I ask him why are you at home? He hangs up on me.

    This really ticks me off because I paid his part of car insurance, and he tells me he will pay me back an amt every month. I had plans to save that money for his next 6 months due when it comes up. Then he gets a call from the Children services about late payment. He doesnt have the money of 200.00 to pay for it, adn they are going to place him in jail. I pay it so he can work, my bad! He then tells me that he is going to give up his parental rights to his otrher children so he doesnt have to pay child supoport. Is that how it works? Needless to say we had a talk about that. He already really doesnt have any parental rights, because he cannot see them until he does the education required of him. It has been 2 yrs ago. Dont see him doing it any time soon. He tells me , I have a new family now.

    Jen
     
  2. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Have more to say. I told him what would you have thought of me if I would have left you when you were making our lives miserable? He just responded with an acknowledgement of what he did wrong. I also told him to never call me again wanting more money, and that if he doesnt have the money next money to pay his child support, well then off to jail he will go. Of course this is all the day before I find out he is still not at work.

    My question is, was there even a job or past job? I dont know about too many places getting the blood work done the same day for you to start the following day. My girlfriend says it was all set up ploy to get more money out of me.

    On a good note my daughter, that is my easy child just graduatd from boot camp, adn now is doing AIT. Her hubby and son is staying with us for now. My grandson is now going to preschool and loves it. My sister in law has a good job here. I do so worry what the future holds, but one day at a time. Some pple ask what made her do this? A secure job, secure money, beneifits, and just because .I so admire her strength, bravery, tenacity and the willingness to defend our country. I dont like other pples speculations.

    Jen
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Detatch, Detatch, Detatch. Don't pay anymore of his bills, don't answers his calls. he is an adult with a wife and children, he needs to start taking that reponsibility seriously. He's still expecting you to do all of this for him.
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Giving up parental rights means giving up his RIGHTS as a parent. He will be responsible for child support no matter what; he can't run away from that.

    Karen is right. Detatch. Stop bailing him out. Let him face the music.

    Hugs and prayers to you; this must be very difficult.
     
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I agree with BBK and Karen. He will never stand on his own two feet if you are there to help him up everytime he calls.

    He is responsible for his children regardless. Maybe a stint in jail will wake him up to reality.
     
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #6600CC"> you cannot surrender parental rights just to avoid paying child support. i think you could years ago, but no longer. the only way out of his CS is if she meets a man who wants to adopt the kiddles.

    jen, advice this time is no different from before. stop bailing him out. stop worrying about whether he's lying or not. oh & have him removed from your car insurance. he should have his own policy...my son does. the longer you stay financially intertwined with-his life the harder it is to truly detach.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Jen,
    agreeing with all the others and what Kris said is so true--the longer you stay financially involved the harder it is to detach. I am no longer "helping" my dtr with financial stuff so now I really don't care if she lies to me or not--it doesn't impact me in any way--I don't feel taken advantage of, I don't have to check up on her to see if she is telling the truth, I can take everything she says at face value because I am not in danger of being used and manipulated. We actually have quite a nice relationship now since I am not allowing her to use me and she feels good about taking care of herself (even if I don't see eye to eye with her on what that means). Believe me, you will feel so much less stressed if you disentangle yourself from him!
    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Jen, no need to repeat what the others have said about you and your son because I agree completely with what they've said.

    I just want to say that I'm so pleased to read the following comments about your daughter:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">A secure job, secure money, beneifits, and just because .I so admire her strength, bravery, tenacity and the willingness to defend our country. </div></div>

    I remember your posts when you saw her as deserting her family and running away from problems and we kept trying to help you look at it in a positive fashion for the career development, benefits, etc. I'm so glad your attitude is turning around! :bravo:

    Suz
     
  9. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    This is what happens Jen, with difficult child kids.

    You can drive yourself nuts trying to help difficult child stand up, or you can hand responsibility for his choices over to him ~ right along with the consequences that come with them.

    It is going to hurt you to do this.

    But it is going to hurt you to help him, to try to motivate him, to be involved in this phase of his life in any way at all, too.

    I'm sorry, Jen.

    Barbara

    .
     
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Jen I am comming in a bit late but I agree with all that has been said. Detach both mentally and financially. Please tell your easy child "Thank you" for her contribution and sacrifice to our country. -RM
     
  11. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Jen, I'm really happy and proud of your daughter. I know this was not what you had wanted for her initially, but she sure has done a good job. Your sister in law and grandchild are both doing well. Everyone on that side is "doing to get".

    Your difficult child son on the other hand is still expecting you to bail him out of every single situation. Whether its employment, bills, car insurance, it doesn't matter. He expects and you deliver.

    Is it possible for you to tell your difficult child that you love him but you will no longer give him $$? do you feel that you are abandoning him or do you feel that is against being a family?

    These are the questions I think you need to ask yourself.

    Hope your hurting heart and your disappointment is overshadowed by the wonderful accomplishment of your easy child daughter.
     
  12. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    In NJ when you give up parental rights you are relieved of any financial responsibility for that child. My daughter's ex is doing this with my granddaughter so her new husband can adopt her. It probably varies from state to state, though.
     
  13. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    Ditto what everyone else said - except about teh CS. My difficult child is going to try and get ex's parental rights terminated so she won't have to worry about him trying to get to her through their child when he is released from prison. She has talked to a lawyer and in NC terminating rights also terminates financial obligations; she's hoping that will motivate him to sign the paperwork. The children's mother would have to agree to him terminating his rights, though...he can't just decide to do it because he no longer wants to pay support.

    However - I wouldn't worry about it. That's his issue to deal with, not yours. Stop answering his calls, get a new lawnboy and take him off your insurance!

    Genny
     
Loading...