why does a simple request or suggestion makes difficult child lose it??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Mar 11, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    It never fails... We can have a good day, but if I make one request or ask her to do something, she gets an attitude.

    Ex: She had a load of clothes in the dryer. I asked her to get her things out of the dryer and fold it. She can fold it in the family room while we watch TV.

    1st attitude: I pause the TV so she can go get the clothes. I get: "why can't I just wait til a commercial?" Explain that she can get it now, and we can fast foward thru the commercials later.

    2nd attitude: She come back to the family room with out the clean clothes. I ask her to get them and fold them, other wise the whole basket will be a winkled mess. I get: "I put them in my room. I'll do it later". I explained she can get it done while watching TV and then it will be done.

    3rd attitude: I noticed that she is making her stack of clothes extremely tall... and it is wobbling. I don't want to see everything come unfolded, cause then that would upset her. I mention, those might fall, why don't you make a second stack? and I get attitude again.

    She has put off doing one small assignment and bathing... so now she is bathing. I doubt that she will even try to do the homework. She also missed supper. I sent her sister down the block to let her know we were eating - and when little sis came back, she said she would be here in 5 minutes. 40 minutes later, she come in after we had already eaten and put food in containers and in fridge. husband suggested she make a sandwich. She's ticked because she didn't get a hot meal like the rest of us.

    It seems that no matter what I say or do, she will NOT comply. I feel like why do I keep trying. It is like a brick wall that I can't get thru to.

    Yesterday at church we had a potluck lunch... and she used the dessert plate for "real" food and a dinner plate for the dessert table. She came back with 10 servings of cakes, pies, cookies, and pudding desserts... the kind with cookie crumbs on bottom and cream cheese and cool whip toppings. And not just a sample of different things... Full size servings! And today, one more pair of jeans had the back seam split out. She is still relatively small... but not as small as she was at the beginning of school. We have had three pair of jeans bite the dust recently.

    Today I made a 100 mile trip to a nearby city, so I could request birth records. We have an appointment with the neuropsychologist next month, and since we are adoptive parents, I had to show photo ID, old birth certificate, new revised birth certificate and adoption papers just to find out her official height, weight, head circumference and apgar scores. I hope we get answers. In my heart, I think I know it is FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). She doesn't have the facial features of some kids, but just today I read where they are often diagnosed as ADHD and ODD (she was diagnosis ADHD in grade school, and just reviewing some old records, said that the "check list for ODD was positive". Funny, they never told me that five years ago!

    Just so tired of trying to parent this child. The more I "parent" the harder she fights me on everything. KSM
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I can tell you why difficult child 1 loses it over small things. Because what I'm wanting him to do doesn't match what he thinks should happen. Your laundry example happens over and over at our house. His ideas and mine clashing. He wants to watch netflix while eating I say no. He tries to talk his siblings into it. He gets in trouble. He tells his siblings what we will watch during dinner. He gets in more trouble. He tries to negotiate if he is good can they watch? What if they are all good? It is exhausting and knowing why often doesn't make it any easier to live with. There are times I just need a break. Not because difficult child 1 has done anything major wrong but its all the little things that wear me down. So he gets sent to his room to play or read a book while I de-stress and try to get to a mental state where I'm not yelling at everyone.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ksm-I so get it. Sending understanding hugs.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I get it, too.
  5. llamafarm

    llamafarm New Member

    No kidding. I get it as well. And I am just as frustrated. Ughhh!
  6. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I get it. TOTALLY get it. If it doesn't fit with what their plan is, won't happen. So sorry you are dealing with this. It is annoying and exhausting.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    OK, time to make sure she gets up and gets to school. Two times a week I work and leave early, thus have a stressful morning making sure difficult child and easy child are ready. And with the time change, I know it won't be fun. KSM
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    That's how it goes with difficult child, too. He throws a fit when I ask him to do something that does not match what he has planned out in his mind. You're right about how exhausting it is. And frustrating.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    By their nature, difficult children, who tend to be wired differently, just can't take suggestions or sometimes even simple requests. They just like to be oppositional. Well, I don't know if they LIKE it, but they DO it. If they were compliant, they wouldn't be difficult children. To be fair, even my easy child, who is a typical teen through and through, will often say, "Wait. I'll do it later." And it won't get done. And if I make a suggestion, she may also say, "Then YOU do it!" The difference is th intensity and that she is usually reasonable if spoken to and most often tries to cooperate, but part of non-cooperation is typical teen.

    If she has fetal alcohol effects, she has some brain damage, which is not her fault, and part of the symptoms of that is emotional liability, along with many other problems that they really didn't cause. Extreme impulsivity is another trait and it doesn't respond well to ADHD medications. I have a child who was exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero and fostered other ones.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yup, another mom who gets it, sigh.