I'm having trouble keeping up with all your replies, thank you for replying!
We're putting a credit system in place in about a week after our move to California. Here, with difficult child's stepdad and grandmother, I have no support and they will (and have) blow any attempts to straighten him out. So he'll be earning everything.. I just can't get a bead on what he's thinking with this! We had three really nice calm days - and then it was just like a dare with the food out in the middle of his floor. I didn't even have to walk in to see it. I didn't get angry, I just told him calmly that he'd lost computer for the day because he'd left food in his floor. He told me he didn't know he did it. That he didn't know he'd left half the bun under his mattress. How does he not know he lifted the mattress and stashed half a sandwich under there?
Anything really long term difficult child doesn't grasp. Well, he did and does lose the computer for days at a time. He was kicked off the bus for three days (on a Friday) for fighting, and he didn't get the computer back until he got back on the bus on Thursday. That included the weekend. That he understands. For some reason, leaving food on his floor is not concrete, because.. there are different kinds of food. Is leaving a bowl of cereal under a blanket in his closet the same as leaving an apple core in the corner? Apparently not to him. Asking him to just pick it up, calmly, no emotion, and telling him that he has no priveleges until it's picked up (no outside, no snacks, no computer) doesn't phase him long term. It's not a lesson he's learning, because a day or two later he does it again. And he's getting more 'out there' with it. Where he used to hide / hoard now he's leaving it in the middle of the floor.
He is casein free - and I check his room every morning after he leaves for school (don't want to send him onto the bus in a tantrum, so I wait). He'll often get candy/snacks from friends and hoard in his room. The pantry, fridge and storage freezer are padlocked with a number combination. He gets the number often from his sister, or if ex leaves the padlock open in view, so we change the combos once a week usually. I never know if he's got the combination until I find food in his room, so yeah, this method doesn't work.
I've tried everything, it seems. The computer he gets from 5 - 7 M-F *if* he's had a good day at school, and doesn't come home abusive to us, and any time he has to spend cleaning up messes he doesn't get back into his time. I make him take time outs in 15 min increments if he gets nasty or abusive while on the computer. I take away 30 minute increments if he's broken a rule (hitting his sister, kicking the wall, etc). Just none of this stuff is getting through. He's not connecting the consequence to his actions. If he gets in trouble its my fault for catching him, not his for performing the behavior. Taking him off the computer if he's being abusive while on the computer is a natural consequence. Taking it away for hitting his sister is not, but nothing else gets his attention. He lives, breathes, talks, eats and sleeps the computer.
I used to give him updates on his time left on the computer. 1 hour, 30 minutes, 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes. He'd tantrum. Now I just tell him 10 minutes, and stand around when his time is up. Usually, but not always, he'll log himself off. Sometimes without a tantrum that lasts until bedtime, but most often he does tantrum, because I rushed him off, even though he knows he has two hours. If he goes over his two hours I take that time off the next day, doubling it. If he's on 15 minutes after 7, I double that and he doesn't start til 5:30 the next day. That seems to have helped some with him logging off *on time* but not without the tantrum.
He'll have other options after the move. Wii, playstation, tv will be something he earns, and a lot more social/outside time. We're pretty isolated here where we are now. So more for him to work for so we aren't so centered around this dang computer so much.
We thought about putting a tarp/drop cloths on his new carpet in the apartment after the move, but the behavior therapist and my boyfriend both suggested that's giving him the idea that peeing/smearing on the carpet is an acceptable behavior. I was just thinking of easier clean up - that *difficult child* would do. It's impossible to get it out of carpet. So we're going to talk to him about respecting the space, being 13.. letting my boyfriend handle that as they don't have that defiant loop built up.. guy to guy.. and hope it works. If he respects his own space, we have no reason to enter it uninvited, which is true. If we don't see or smell poo, pee or food, we have no reason to enter, for his own safety. And I think the peeing thing is strictly to try to keep us out. difficult child admitted that. But I can't stay out if he's putting his and our health at risk and having to clean up after these behaviors.. so.. stuck.