Why is life so hard for some of us?

[Dollhouse]

Morning!

Just pondering today......

I often wonder 'why' and I know sometimes we may never know why. I wonder why some families have it easy and have no trouble with their children or why some families lives seem on the straight and narrow.

I know for me; things have never been really easy. Single parent since my child was one, my child almost died at age 3 from a routine surgery (tubes in his ears and tonsils). He was in a coma for 24hrs. Emotionally abusive ex (son's dad), who has tortured me for the last 18yrs and HE IS NOT even in the kids life.

Other children go off and live their lives and there is never a problem. It's times like these I often wonder where God is. I believe in God -- heck, I was a devout Born Again Christian 10yrs ago, speaking in tongues (if you believe in that). But now, I don't feel I have to put on a 'show' to serve God, but I do wonder where he is. I've often felt conflicted that he is up in the heavens looking down and doing nothing. That may or may not be true, but it's just how I feel.

I feel I have to 'hide' the problems at home from people at work (I'm private anyway) and that when they ask me how my son is doing in college, that I have a blank stare and cannot tell them that he's home and not doing well emotionally or the fact that I may have to put him on the streets.

I hate this life and I'm tired --- There has got to be something better in this life than this.

Sorry for the pondering; I'm not looking for advice or suggestions; I just need a place to vent my frustrations before I run away somewhere and never come back (physically and emotionally).

~Doll

 

[CrazyinVA]

I understand your feelings, believe me. My life as a single mom with two difficult children has been a rollercoaster. Multiple health problems, hospitalizations, a dad who doesnt' give a darn, an entire side of the family that abandoned my children. I used to ask why .. and sometimes I still do, but I will share with you how I arrived at my own peace with this issue.

I believe that God made me the parent of these children for a reason. For whatever reason, He thinks I can do it. And guess what? I have done it. All these years, all by myself. It's taught me things about myself I never would have dreamed possible.. I have strength in me that I never, ever would have imagined. It's just that simple, for me. There are many parents that can't handle difficult kids.. we see evidence of it everywhere around us. But I believe most of us here on this board are very special, blessed even, because we have the strength to carry on, even when we feel we can't any longer. Somehow, we find it.. and I think that's pretty darn incredible.

It took me a long time to come to that acceptance. It's my own personal acceptance and belief, and may not feel true for others, but it's what I know to be true for myself.

 

[Suz]

Dollhouse I've certainly pondered the same thing...I expect we all have.

I always come back to the same conclusion to the "Why me?" question...

...And the answer is, "Why not me?"

Let's be careful that this thread doesn't get into a religious conversation as religion and politics are not allowed on the board. Feel free to conduct those conversations via PM or email.

Suz

 

[Dollhouse]

Thank you Suz --

Please know that I wasn't trying to dive in to religious or political territory. I was just explaining some of my background in the context of my post. I appreciate your reply.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I didn't mean it as a religious answer, per se, except to put it in that context because of Doll's expression of faith. Call it higher power, whatever you want... I believe there is a reason we are all parents of difficult children. We're special

 

[Dollhouse]

... I believe there is a reason we are all parents of difficult children. We're special

I don't wanna be special! LOLOLOL

Ya know -- sometimes I do feel like you do Crazy; that things happen for a reason. We may not find out for years to come. But then sometimes, I rebell against such notions and fight against it with all my being! I've found, that at times, when I give up and stop fighting, is when things start to move for the positive.

You would think I would remember that in times of crisis! LOL

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh I don't think *things* happen for a reason... as far as my kids getting sick, hurt, people dying, etc. .. but I won't get into my philosophy on tha here, that could be straying into territory best left for PMs!

But being a parent of a difficult child? That's not a "happening." It just IS, to me. I guess I can't explain the difference very well. But nope, I don't really wanna be special either.. maybe it just makes me feel better to call myself that ;-)

 

[Suz]

Crazy and Dollhouse, I just sent you a joint PM that shares my other theory. lol

Suz

 

[everywoman]

You know honestly, I don't even question why. I think often we see parents of easy child's and we think they have it so easy, but the truth is your problems in life are really relative to your perception of your life. If a parent of a easy child doesn't get an A---for them it may be as devastating as when my difficult child got arrested. It doesn't bother me for them to complain about their problems----in fact, I can have empathy. I also do not hide difficult child's problems from the world anymore than I hide his and my easy child's accomplishments. I think that shame hides in secrets, and I am not ashamed of anything I have done.

Raising my difficult child has never been easy. I have had to make some really tough decisions because of the choices he has made. I get down sometimes. But I am also extremely thankful for what I do have. I am thankful for the good in difficult child. I am thankful that difficult child has me for a mother---because any other woman would have lost her mind long ago dealing with him.

My life, in fact, has never ever been "easy." I knew early on that the only person in this world that I could rely on was me---and knowing that---and understanding that my control of what happens extends only to me---has helped me muddle through.

I also believe in a loving Creator who doesn't dish out punishments but does allow for free will. He is strong enough to understand if I get really angry at him for allowing those in my life to practice that free will. And that unconditional love is one that I model in my life.

 

[goldenguru]

Well faith and politics aside - (LOL) - my personal theory is that no family escapes pain. No one person escapes pain. I don't care how much money, or education, or support, or faith a person has - at some point the storms of life are gonna blow with gale force winds.

I used to know a family that I dubbed the 'perfect family'. And by all outward appearances they were the 'perfect family'. And then one year, their world caved in. Their daughter now has a life threatening eating disorder. Has been in and out of jail and mental health clinics. They have had parents die. They have had to move over seas. And all of the stress has taken a toll on their marriage. A big toll.

Life happens. It is no respecter of persons.

So you hang in there dollhouse. A better season is just around the corner.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I don't ask "why?" much anymore. There is simply no answer. As much as I sometimes hate my life, honestly I know that there are others that are suffering so much more than me.

When Terry wrote about her husband and easy child visiting a poor orphanage (I can't remember the country) and the devastatingly tragic circumstances those kids come from, it puts my problems in perspective. Why should those kids have to suffer so horribly? What did they ever do?!

Yes, some families seem to have it much "easier" than many of us. I wonder how many Moms have been sick in bed (me yesterday) and have their difficult child son SCREAMING at the top of his lungs right at the foot of my bed that he wants to use the phone NOW and to tell his sister to get off NOW so he can call one of his friends.

I'm not religious at all. I'm rather anti and that is all I will write about that. I don't think we will ever know "why?" and religion is a result of man's desire to get a definitive answer to the question "why?".

I understand about just keeping it private. There is nothing wrong with that. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one that lives in a looney bin and really don't like to go into how insane my home life can get.

 

[Star*]

IF -

Things in my life had not happened I wonder where I'd be. I wonder if I would be as compassionate. I wonder if I'd be as understanding when I see a child fall on the floor kicking and screaming in a store while people stare and give unwelcomed advice to the parents. Would I be funny? Would I have a sense of humor? Would the things that happened to me have never happend would I have ever hit my knees and prayed? Did all the struggle bring me closer to what my purpose is, maybe not in this world but the next?

There are days when I just sit and cry and think OH GOSH do I want a life do-over. But then I think I must be kidding. Did I ask for the do-over right. Then I worry and sorta look like Linus waiting in the garden for the Great Pumpkin - doubting, worried that I'll actually GET my wish and poof - I'm gone and the next life would be a start over from scratch as well as a do-over with no prior knowledge.

I'm not happy that I had a son who survived my marriage. I wish none of that had happened, but I know I can't continue to think - I should have. I did what I did at the time I did it because I thought it was the BEST decision I could make with what I know. When I was wrong about that? I learned from the mistake and tried hard not to make those mistakes again.

I didn't have such a great start in life - so I know what it feels like from day one. But, I DO know that I must be pretty special in someones book to be blessed with enough strenght, faith and will to carry on. Some days trudging is more like it. But just knowing that I'm THAT special? Makes you think about how someone else up above must view you and who knows - maybe in my next life I'll get to tend all the donkeys in heaven. Or ride horses on the beach. But for now? I use the ability from desperate situations in my life to try to motivate others who are struggling with similar problems. When I had my darkest days - I was never alone. It just felt like it, but here I am. That has to count for a lot.

Hugs -
You count for a lot too - we all do.

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes I wonder the same question. However most of the time the people that have it made or look like they do really dont. They are just good at covering up the heart ache in their lives. I believe every family has a difficult child of somekind somewhere. It just sohappens that I am very patient - probably too patient - and my difficult child was lucky to have me for a mother too probably because if he had any one else he probably wouldnt be living now. I know how it feel to be so sick in bed and your difficult child is driving you nuts about something he wants - never to think that you feel really bad and to handle it himself - I think it is because he has been used to someone else handling it for him - maybe me. Also I think some people are not codependent. I happen to be and that is what I struggle with.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I know I have wondered for a long time why stuff happens to certain people but I also know that sometimes everything isnt always what it looks like from the outside looking in. People would have never dreamed what I went through growing up. No one would have considered that I was being abused. I didnt even know it. I thought what happened to me was normal.

I do think growing up that way made me stronger and prepared me for what was to come.

 

[rejectedmom]

I like to think of life as a journey. Obsticles and trials are put there to teach us. Each and every person we meet has something that we can learn from them. With each lesson we master we are that much better. My difficult child trials taught me to take care of me. I have grown very much through all this and I do believe I am better for it. -RM

 

[BusynMember]

I think everything we go through is part of an education that we can learn from. It makes us better people, stronger people. I also never EVER believe that The Brady Bunch who lives at the end of the block really IS the Brady bunch just because it looks like it. Every single person struggles in some way--be it challenging children, alcoholism, illnesses, or things that don't come to mind right now. And I do believe that things are supposed to be that way--so that we can triumph and learn.

 

[jbrain]

Thanks for the great posts--I have really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this topic! We sure have some smart people in this group!
Jane

 

[Nomad]

I think a lot has to do with the way we look at things and the choices that we make. Like GG says...no one escapes difficulties. We can have a difficult thing thrown at us, but we can make a choice not to get overly upset about it and to look at life in a positive way anyway. This opens doors to more positive things despite the circumstances at hand. AND it doesn't give our difficult children power that they should not have. Additionally, it teaches them (hopefully) that they too have the ability to overcome obstacles and to make the choice to look at things in a positive way. Sure, some families seem to start off with less burden than others. But that really is irrelevant. Perhaps in their past, a family (grandparents, etc.) started off with nothing and built up from there. All that matters is that you start with what you've got and have the attitude that you personally will look at things in a positive way, you personally will make good choices and that you personally will make a commttment to grow.

 

[JJJ]

I don't believe things happen for a reason. There is no logic in the world that will make me accept a greater good for the demons our children have to fight. But given that we are here and they are mentally ill, I try to learn a lesson and take something good from each trial.

Since my children are adopted, there are days when I get very angry at myself for taking my nice, normal life and turning it upside down -- so many dreams have been lost because of our decision to adopt hurt children. But then there are days when I love my children so much and cannot imagine us being anything other than a family.

 

[Nomad]

JJJ...
2nd paragraph in particular...I hear you and I hear you loud and clear.
However, for what it is worth, I have learned a lot from the experience. It has made me a different person and a somewhat better one. I have learned things, that I never in a million years would have learned otherwise. In recent times, there are indications of opportunities and growth that would not have occured had I not had been the mother of a special needs adopted child. So, I'm starting to see it differently. It has been a looooooong, painful journey and I'm still on it. I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and it resonated with me. Be strong. Read positive literature, etc. Keep an open mind. Have faith that all will be well in the end.

As a side note:
in my humble opinion...many folks out there have difficult children in their home...they are just denying it to themselves or lying their butts off about it. (Excuse my "French").