Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by 4now, Nov 27, 2015.

  1. 4now

    4now Member

    My difficult child, against all advice, followed a girl to another state. She is trying to get and stay clean and at first he was at least open to trying. But things fell apart so quickly. Now he is homeless without anyone, hundreds of miles away and won't go to a shelter. He says he lost his id but wants me to pay for a room. He gets disability and has a payee but with the holiday he can't reach them. I know he's playing me and I refused to get him a room. If he truly lost his id they wouldn't rent to him anyway. He is bipolar, unmedicated, has anxiety, drinks and uses drugs. He says he was forcibly sent to detox for 48 hours last week by the ear where he went for a shot of Ativan for anxiety. I can't believe anything because he lies to me constantly. I can't handle the stress of his constant pleas, my blood pressure has been borderline high the last 6 months from stress. I am trying to detach, but have such a hard time stopping the constant worrying and thinking what if? It of course has been snow and ice,and cold where he is and that makes it so much harder to remain positive. I just don't get how they can make such a mess of their lives and not take help that would be a benefit. I'm feeling so sad and overwhelmed with stress. I have read my detachment books over and over and I know worrying does no good, but right now I feel powerless over my emotions.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today? Feeling any better?

    So sorry for your hurting mama heart and hope you stick around. Today is slow, maybe because of the holiday yesterday. Others will stop by.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi 4now, so sorry for your pain and hurting heart. Why, that is a good question. My eldest daughter is homeless, as far as I know, right now, and why has been the big question for years. So, I am right there with you.
    It has been raining constantly here. What I do know is that there is help out there for them. My daughter does not want to go to a shelter. She says it is gross there. I think that is partially true, but is being on the streets better? I think it is also because there are rules at shelters that she would have to follow. She has been a drifter for some time now. I think she prefers to come and go with the wind.
    Some days are like this for me 4now. Just sad and overwhelmed. It is natural to go through a grieving process when we are faced with these situations with our d cs. You are reading your books, but it seems you may need some extra help to process. I went to counseling, that helped. How about alanon?
    Getting out and walking helps, doing something, moving your body.
    If you believe in a higher power, praying helps.

    Take deep, deep breaths.
    We all go through intense lows. If you know that your feelings have lasted too long, please go see somebody. Depression can grip us, and it is not good to stay there.

    We have lives to live and we have value.
    With so much sadness over the lives of our d cs, sometimes it is hard to keep our heads above the rivers of it.
    Rivers of sorrow.
    But you know what 4now?
    There is life beyond the sadness and worry.

    Writing to you has helped me. I have been writing how I am feeling numb, but I think I am feeling that way, because I am overwhelmed with the intensity of my situation. So I need to do something about it, too.
    Maybe it is not just the why, 4now, it is the what.
    The what we know, that what we can't do is help or enable our d cs.
    The what we can do, is help ourselves.
    Then there is the how.
    I think I will start by cleaning up my kitchen and throw in a load of wash.
    Starts with small stuff.

    Stay with us 4now, and keep posting.
    We are all on different places on this journey, and we help each other.
    One of the biggest helps is that this is a safe anonymous place to get your story and feelings out. The other, is knowing there are others going through similar situations.

    I am sorry for your heart ache. Mine aches too. But I do know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
    There is a way to swim across the currents of the river of sorrow, shake the sadness off and dry ourselves in some sunshine.

    We will get there, one stroke, and one day at a time.

    Swim across the river.


  4. 4now

    4now Member

    Thanks for your words. I have been in counseling and off and on with Alanon, but sometimes the constant bombardment just wears me down. I grew up the child of an alcoholic father and manic depressive mother, have 2 adult children who are addicts with mental health issues and sometimes I get overwhelmed. On a positive note I have another child who has a family with grandchildren I adore and my husband of over 25 years who is so loving and supportive. I usually am more upbeat, but somehow the holidays make it harder to deal with all of the craziness. I think my problem is that I can't imagine d.c.s life I would never want to be homeless, but with him it is a choice. I'm sure he doesn't like the rules, he thinks he's better than the rules. And, you can't go in drinking or high, so there is that. I just get terrified the he will die from his addiction. Which is something my counselor said could happen with addiction. I know it's progressive but it is beyond my control. I have been keeping busy with sewing a quilt for my grandkids for Christmas and decorating for Christmas, but I had just talked with him this morning and he can really take me for a spin if I'm not carful with my emotions. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom and support. There are many of us parents on this journey, unfortunately. I will say my prayers tonight asking for a peaceful heart.
  5. mili62

    mili62 New Member

    My son is 29 yrs old is an alcoholic and smokes weed....His father and I have enabled him for so many years. When he drinks he gets violent and verbally abusive. ...I'm 62 yrs old and have lost my oldest son 12/18/05....He was doing toys for tots and died from a motorcycle accident... I guess I was continuing to enable my 29 yr old son for fear I would lose him too...I'm at a point where I'm so tired of his threats...His father wants to do a tro on him...He has gone to court before....Abusive to my husband...We bailed him out of jail and he was on probation for a year...Never gave him one drug test so he still would drink on weekends... That's pretty much my life right now...Could use any advise available. ..Thanks for listening.....
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi mili62, so sorry for your troubles that have brought you here.
    May I suggest you post on the Parent Emeritus Forum? There will be more response there for your unique situation with your adult child. If you go to the forum page, there is a button on the right upper corner that says "post new thread" if you copy your post here and paste it, then you will receive more responses.
    Then you will have your own thread, and folks can respond.

    I am sorry for your hurting heart.
    If you need more help posting, just give a holler.
  7. 4now

    4now Member

    Mili62. I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. We can get so overwhelmed at times trying to live with the craziness of drug/alcohol addiction. If you take time to search this site and the Parent Emeritus site you will find parents who can offer some wonderful words of wisdom and support. Keep posting, it helps to unload in a safe place where people understand. Take care of yourself.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I echo New Leaf's suggestion to post in PE.
    My son does this too. I think you did right not to pay. The only way he can get a handle on his lifestyle and his behavior is to live the consequences.

    Like New Leaf wrote, there are resources. They just do not want to accept the control and responsibility that goes with them.
    I do not believe this.
    New Leaf, does such a place exist this beautiful? Do you know where it is? What a lovely picture.
    On the FOO threads, Family of Origin, we are dealing with this. The exquisite pain that comes from our the paint of our children triggering the pains and weaknesses of our pasts.
    It sure does. There are a number of us that seem to be having a hard time. I hope it does not continue into the new year.
    Of course this might be so. Who would not be afraid?

    Keep posting. You are not alone. It helps to read and respond to other threads.

  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi 4now, hope today is a better day for you. Mili went over to P.E. under the thread
    So Drained.
    Thanks for your help with that.

    This is good, 4now, I am glad you have this for yourself. I find that after so many years of concentrating on helping my two, then realizing we were enabling them, a good way to fill that void, is to spend time with my gracious children (that is what I call them). I am glad your hubs is loving and supportive.
    Same for me, homelessness is my daughters choice.
    She is some kind of poster child, in her mind, and her conversation.
    She kind of revels in it. Crazy, huh?
    It is about the rules for her, she does not want to follow rules.
    I have thought of this, too. But honestly 4now, I could lose any of my children, grands, friends or family, to death. It is an unfortunate circumstance, but death is a part of life. Of course, our d cs are tempting their fate with their destructive, addictive lifestyles, but I try not to focus on that. That is misery knocking on my door.

    So I give it to God, and ask Him to watch over her.

    I ask Him to help me live a full life, too.

    This is true, it is beyond our control, good attitude.

    OH, quilts, I absolutely love them. How wonderful. This is good busy work.
    Steady hands, breathing, steady life.

    I know just what you are writing of, that conversation induced emotional tailspin.
    Try to keep it short and simple, that works for me.
    "Love you, hope you are okay, take good care of yourself."

    I have found, trying to address addiction, drug, use, rehab, is a fruitless endeavor.
    I shall arm my toolbox with information, and if my daughter brings it up, then offer.

    I hope you are having a better day today. I am glad you have your faith, hubs, gracious child and grands to help see you through this.

    You are doing this, one day at a time.

    Keep the faith, keep praying, prayers are powerful!

    Peace be to you and yours.


  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    4now, me too. I have two d cs with addictive issues, and possibly drug induced mental health issues. One of my d cs has three children, that is like, a very heavy load for us. I had to give them all over to God, under his watch care. The State would not act. We had our grands for awhile, but they put them right back with their parents after monitoring and out patient rehab. They got their kids back, and went right back to the same old, same old.
    It takes a great amount of concentrated effort and prayer,
    to not have this in the forefront of my mind daily.

    My grands, and the horrible life they live. UGH.

    You are not alone 4now.
    It is hard and overwhelming.
    Keep posting.
    We try to help one another,
    and lift each other up.

  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Isn't it beautiful?
    OMG Copa, I searched for this image on Google,
    then when I saw your question,
    I couldn't find it.
    I went all the way to the end
    and came up with Joan Rivers (may she rest in piece)
    Anyway, I searched my history and found it.

    It is the river Amazon.
    Isn't it a lovely photo?
    I found more info here


    I tried to upload the video but couldn't.
    Good info.

    That is a big river to swim across.

    How appropriate.

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome 4now, I am glad you found us. I completely understand what you are saying. For the life of me I could not understand why my daughter wanted to give up her life with us and all the opportunities she had for a life of homelessness and drugs and friends who have no last names and court dates and hunger and cold and it goes on and on. I was making myself sick because I was putting myself in her place and there was no way I would ever want to live like that. I couldn't eat or sleep and I found no joy in life, even though I have a wonderful husband and another daughter who I loved dearly.

    I found great support in Families Anonymous, they deal with not just substance abuse but mental illness and other issues which impact families. I also found the more I shared with very close friends the more I found I was not alone. For me I had to walk through my pain and I finally came out on the other side. Although I love my daughter dearly I have had to accept that she does not want the same things in life that I do. She is doing much better now but she still struggles because of some of her earlier choices.

    All we can do is keep the candle burning in the window for if and when they decide they want a different life. I use to hate the holidays, but I have grown to again enjoy them. I hope you do the same.