I keep telling myself my husband is a wonderful man and has a heart of gold that his children take advantage of. But lately I have started to view him in another light and am beginning to think he is as damaged as his adult children are.
Let me explain. I have been with my husband for 7 years now, married for the last 3 years. He has 4 sons, all of them who, in varying degrees make excuses, lie, steal and expect their father to bail them out of each and every problem their poor behavior lands them in, financial and otherwise. Which he always does. He rescues each and every one of them whether it be jumping out of bed at 3 AM to bail them out of jail or handing out money to them like candy when they fail to take care of their responsibilities like paying their electric bill. As a result, our home has been a house of horrors and our finances have been in shambles since the day I moved in.
The boys are children from 2 different marriages. The mother from the first marriage is still living but is and extremely "hands off" mother who is barely a part of the 2 boys life. The other 2 boys are from the 2nd marriage and their mother passed away about 5 years ago, after divorcing the father when she was diagnosed with cancer, which she subsequently passed away from.
Son #1 is now 40 years old, has 3 children of his own and 2 of his current girlfriends living with him which he is supporting because their fathers are both meth addicts. This son has never held a job for very long, and until the past couple of years was pretty much drunk most the the time, and has been on welfare since I've known him. He has sobered up somewhat, his father got him a job which he has actually stuck with for almost a year. His girlfriend works less than 20 hours a week, when she actually has a job. However, he is always behind on his bills and in imminent danger of either being booted out of his home for not paying rent or having the water or electricity shut off. He and his current girlfriend however, always have alcohol and cigarettes, nice new clothes, etc. He currently owes us thousands of dollars (we were fools enough to let them live in our rental and of course they didn't pay rent for over 4 months and owes us almost $600 in back water/garbage bills when they finally moved out two days ago) as well as owing us money for other things we have paid for them like electricity, food, etc.
Son #2 is now 38 years old, has one child of his own who he hasn't seen since the child was 4, and 2 children of his current girlfriends living with him who he is supporting because their fathers do not have jobs. The girlfriend who used to babysit for money, has not worked in over 3 years now. This son also has never held a job for more than a couple months at a time, is always drunk and always has money for beer and cigarettes, but never has enough money to pay his bills either because his alcohol is more important than his bills. This son owes us the least amount of money, but still owes us a substantial sum, none of which he has ever attempted to pay back.
Son #3 is now 27 years old, and I could write an entire book about this son. He has 2 children from the same mother, who has been deemed by court as unfit to raise the children and who has never worked a day since I've known her. When I met this son, he was living in his father's rental house with his girlfriend and his 2 children, then aged 8 months and 5 years. They lived in the house for 7 years and never paid one single dime in rent to their father, who refused to kick them out because the grandhildren would have been homeless, because you guessed it, this son doesn't work either. He even "confessed" to me one day (although it's hard to know if it was a true confession because he is such a pathalogical liar that you can't believe word one that comes out of his mouth), that he only gets a job when someone gets on his back, then he PURPOSELY hurts himself at that job so he can stop working. The house was a total landfill, his two dogs were never let out because the son and girlfriend were too doped up on drugs to get up to open the door to let them out and neither of them seemed to be able to find the outdoor garbage can. When they finally moved out, we hauled SIX TONS of garbage out of the house. CPS has taken their children away 3 times in the past 6 years and the youngest barely even remembers ever living with his parents.
This son, as I mentioned, is a drug addict, a pathological liar, has stolen numerous items including prescription drugs and all of my diamond rings from me and his father, talked his father into co-signing for a phone which resulted in a $750 bill that we had to pay, calls every other day with some excuse as to why he has to have money most often using the children as an excuse (we need diapers, food, clothes, the heat was shut off they are freezing, etc.) and I could go on and on with the list of things he has lied about, stolen and "conned" his father and other family members out of.
This son is now living in his great-aunts basement with his 2 children and she is providing them with a roof over their head, food, clothing and Lord knows what else. He keeps telling his father that she is "ready to kick him out" so he needs to give her money so she won't kick them out and his father keeps giving it to him, not her.
This son's latest job, that he had to get in order to get DSHS (Child Services) off his back, just ended because he "hurt his knee" while he was drunk and can't remember what he did to hurt it. And of course, just yesterday he needed a new battery for his car so he can look for work, which I have been afraid to ask my husband if he gave to him. I am assuming he did, because he always does.
Son #4 is now 25 years old and has 2 children and lives with their mother, who has never worked a day since I've known her. He has consistantly held a job, although he is always behind on his bills also and although at least this son works and appears to try to be responsible, has borrowed enough money through the past 7 years that I could have bought a new car with it. He and the mother of his children both smoke pot and drink and smoke. The last straw that has me posting here was that this son, who we gave money to help purchase a house when his job moved him out of town with the understanding that it was a SHORT TERM LOAN and that we expected the money back within 30 days, has consistantly given us what I believe are flimsy excuses as to why he hasn't returned the money: I haven't had time to get to the bank, the bank messed up our checks, the bank never sent us a new set of checks, the bank is too far away and I work until after closing time, etc., etc.
And I am about done although as I said earlier, I could write a book about Son #3 and the grief he has put us all through. None of the other children even talk to him and I am at wits end trying to convince his father to stop enabling ALL of his children, especially son #3, and to stop throwing all of our money down his son's toilets.
Most of the posts I've read here seem to point towards getting some "tough love" and to stop enabling children like these. But how does one go about convincing a father who isn't willing to do so? I've tried talking him into going to counseling, and this is insane, but I have not been able to find ONE SINGLE counselor to call me back to set up an appointment. I'm beginning to think I must sound WAY too desperate for help that they don't even want to take me and my husband as a patients.
I am at the point where I am so depressed I can't hardly stand it and spend most of my days cowering in bed praying the phone won't ring and that if it does, it won't be one of the kids calling with yet another "problem" and wondering what I ever did to deserve having FOUR alcoholic/drug addict children in my life.
Help!
Let me explain. I have been with my husband for 7 years now, married for the last 3 years. He has 4 sons, all of them who, in varying degrees make excuses, lie, steal and expect their father to bail them out of each and every problem their poor behavior lands them in, financial and otherwise. Which he always does. He rescues each and every one of them whether it be jumping out of bed at 3 AM to bail them out of jail or handing out money to them like candy when they fail to take care of their responsibilities like paying their electric bill. As a result, our home has been a house of horrors and our finances have been in shambles since the day I moved in.
The boys are children from 2 different marriages. The mother from the first marriage is still living but is and extremely "hands off" mother who is barely a part of the 2 boys life. The other 2 boys are from the 2nd marriage and their mother passed away about 5 years ago, after divorcing the father when she was diagnosed with cancer, which she subsequently passed away from.
Son #1 is now 40 years old, has 3 children of his own and 2 of his current girlfriends living with him which he is supporting because their fathers are both meth addicts. This son has never held a job for very long, and until the past couple of years was pretty much drunk most the the time, and has been on welfare since I've known him. He has sobered up somewhat, his father got him a job which he has actually stuck with for almost a year. His girlfriend works less than 20 hours a week, when she actually has a job. However, he is always behind on his bills and in imminent danger of either being booted out of his home for not paying rent or having the water or electricity shut off. He and his current girlfriend however, always have alcohol and cigarettes, nice new clothes, etc. He currently owes us thousands of dollars (we were fools enough to let them live in our rental and of course they didn't pay rent for over 4 months and owes us almost $600 in back water/garbage bills when they finally moved out two days ago) as well as owing us money for other things we have paid for them like electricity, food, etc.
Son #2 is now 38 years old, has one child of his own who he hasn't seen since the child was 4, and 2 children of his current girlfriends living with him who he is supporting because their fathers do not have jobs. The girlfriend who used to babysit for money, has not worked in over 3 years now. This son also has never held a job for more than a couple months at a time, is always drunk and always has money for beer and cigarettes, but never has enough money to pay his bills either because his alcohol is more important than his bills. This son owes us the least amount of money, but still owes us a substantial sum, none of which he has ever attempted to pay back.
Son #3 is now 27 years old, and I could write an entire book about this son. He has 2 children from the same mother, who has been deemed by court as unfit to raise the children and who has never worked a day since I've known her. When I met this son, he was living in his father's rental house with his girlfriend and his 2 children, then aged 8 months and 5 years. They lived in the house for 7 years and never paid one single dime in rent to their father, who refused to kick them out because the grandhildren would have been homeless, because you guessed it, this son doesn't work either. He even "confessed" to me one day (although it's hard to know if it was a true confession because he is such a pathalogical liar that you can't believe word one that comes out of his mouth), that he only gets a job when someone gets on his back, then he PURPOSELY hurts himself at that job so he can stop working. The house was a total landfill, his two dogs were never let out because the son and girlfriend were too doped up on drugs to get up to open the door to let them out and neither of them seemed to be able to find the outdoor garbage can. When they finally moved out, we hauled SIX TONS of garbage out of the house. CPS has taken their children away 3 times in the past 6 years and the youngest barely even remembers ever living with his parents.
This son, as I mentioned, is a drug addict, a pathological liar, has stolen numerous items including prescription drugs and all of my diamond rings from me and his father, talked his father into co-signing for a phone which resulted in a $750 bill that we had to pay, calls every other day with some excuse as to why he has to have money most often using the children as an excuse (we need diapers, food, clothes, the heat was shut off they are freezing, etc.) and I could go on and on with the list of things he has lied about, stolen and "conned" his father and other family members out of.
This son is now living in his great-aunts basement with his 2 children and she is providing them with a roof over their head, food, clothing and Lord knows what else. He keeps telling his father that she is "ready to kick him out" so he needs to give her money so she won't kick them out and his father keeps giving it to him, not her.
This son's latest job, that he had to get in order to get DSHS (Child Services) off his back, just ended because he "hurt his knee" while he was drunk and can't remember what he did to hurt it. And of course, just yesterday he needed a new battery for his car so he can look for work, which I have been afraid to ask my husband if he gave to him. I am assuming he did, because he always does.
Son #4 is now 25 years old and has 2 children and lives with their mother, who has never worked a day since I've known her. He has consistantly held a job, although he is always behind on his bills also and although at least this son works and appears to try to be responsible, has borrowed enough money through the past 7 years that I could have bought a new car with it. He and the mother of his children both smoke pot and drink and smoke. The last straw that has me posting here was that this son, who we gave money to help purchase a house when his job moved him out of town with the understanding that it was a SHORT TERM LOAN and that we expected the money back within 30 days, has consistantly given us what I believe are flimsy excuses as to why he hasn't returned the money: I haven't had time to get to the bank, the bank messed up our checks, the bank never sent us a new set of checks, the bank is too far away and I work until after closing time, etc., etc.
And I am about done although as I said earlier, I could write a book about Son #3 and the grief he has put us all through. None of the other children even talk to him and I am at wits end trying to convince his father to stop enabling ALL of his children, especially son #3, and to stop throwing all of our money down his son's toilets.
Most of the posts I've read here seem to point towards getting some "tough love" and to stop enabling children like these. But how does one go about convincing a father who isn't willing to do so? I've tried talking him into going to counseling, and this is insane, but I have not been able to find ONE SINGLE counselor to call me back to set up an appointment. I'm beginning to think I must sound WAY too desperate for help that they don't even want to take me and my husband as a patients.
I am at the point where I am so depressed I can't hardly stand it and spend most of my days cowering in bed praying the phone won't ring and that if it does, it won't be one of the kids calling with yet another "problem" and wondering what I ever did to deserve having FOUR alcoholic/drug addict children in my life.
Help!
