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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659270" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My Mother was like this. (She died in September 2013.) Recently, I found something she wrote where she said she wanted power and money, that she was driven by that.</p><p></p><p>She also expressed regret that I had been damaged by what she did to get status and money. She wrote that if she had known how damaging her choices had been to me, <u><em><strong>maybe</strong></em></u> she would have done differently.</p><p></p><p>I appreciated her honesty in this. Most likely she would have done the same thing again, I believe...subject her children to whatever. Because only she mattered. Over and over again.</p><p></p><p>My mother did acknowledge it, but never saw it as a problem. While she said (to others, not to me) she had regret and guilt, it was not enough to ever prompt her to change or even to think about it.</p><p></p><p>She did not want to. She had what she wanted and needed. Part of it, at least. Because really at heart she held my sister or I as responsible for hurting her, as we pulled away from her. I think she felt it was our deficiency. I do not think this ever changed.</p><p>Who can say? I was with my mother for 10 months as she died. I took care of her and arranged her care.</p><p></p><p>If she reviewed her acts as a mother, I never saw it. But she was grateful that I was with her. And I believe she accepted my love, and recognized my being there as motivated by love and responsibility. I believe it made a difference for her.</p><p></p><p>And I believe there was healing there. She told a caretaker that when she next saw her kids, she would tell them she was sorry. But she never did. She never could find it in her. </p><p></p><p>I guess as I write this I am able to accept that there was regret because of her relationships with her daughters, but I do not think she would have done differently. I think she felt we were necessary casualties. </p><p></p><p>Sorry, I had to do it, she would have said.</p><p></p><p>She lived as she wanted. It was a worldview that defined her.</p><p></p><p>She did review her life, however. She talked about my long dead father, her love for him and her regret his life had turned out so badly.</p><p></p><p>She spoke of her regret for leaving her 92 year old father who loved her beyond measure to die alone. </p><p></p><p>And I am grateful for that. I am glad now she could say this to me, but I suffered for her at the time.</p><p></p><p>Nomad, I think this is a danger zone. </p><p></p><p>There is the need to accept the reality of our parents and to hold them responsible for who they were.</p><p></p><p>And to accept they did what they did to us clear eyed and with purpose.</p><p></p><p>If we do not do this, there is the risk that the reality of our own lives someone gets overlooked.</p><p></p><p>And our lives were defined by the selfish and mistaken acts of these people that had total control over us. In effect, they held us hostages. We were hostages of our love and need.</p><p></p><p>We needed so much from them, protection, care, love, guidance. In my case, I got none of this from my mother. I got taken care of. Fed, clothed. Supervised, minimally.</p><p></p><p>I loved my Mother. I always will. My mother was a person of great beauty and warmth when she was happy. And that was when she was dressed up with her makeup on going out. I accept that. Now. And I admire her hardness and competency. It would have had it's place and utility. But not as a mother.</p><p></p><p>But at the end, how I loved her. I will never regret that time, although it almost killed me. My true self came forth then, when she let me love her.</p><p></p><p>Find the love and pride in yourself, Nomad. Love and admire yourself for your love of family and your loving commitment to them.</p><p></p><p>Find deep respect for yourself for rising above your beginnings and what you lacked. Because you found a way to parent yourself and rise well above your beginnings.</p><p></p><p>What you wish that your father had found, is in you. Love yourself for it.</p><p></p><p>While we will never know, in your father's eyes was probably a reflection of your goodness, and perhaps, and maybe, gratitude. I want to think he felt gratitude too, for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 659270, member: 18958"] My Mother was like this. (She died in September 2013.) Recently, I found something she wrote where she said she wanted power and money, that she was driven by that. She also expressed regret that I had been damaged by what she did to get status and money. She wrote that if she had known how damaging her choices had been to me, [U][I][B]maybe[/B][/I][/U] she would have done differently. I appreciated her honesty in this. Most likely she would have done the same thing again, I believe...subject her children to whatever. Because only she mattered. Over and over again. My mother did acknowledge it, but never saw it as a problem. While she said (to others, not to me) she had regret and guilt, it was not enough to ever prompt her to change or even to think about it. She did not want to. She had what she wanted and needed. Part of it, at least. Because really at heart she held my sister or I as responsible for hurting her, as we pulled away from her. I think she felt it was our deficiency. I do not think this ever changed. Who can say? I was with my mother for 10 months as she died. I took care of her and arranged her care. If she reviewed her acts as a mother, I never saw it. But she was grateful that I was with her. And I believe she accepted my love, and recognized my being there as motivated by love and responsibility. I believe it made a difference for her. And I believe there was healing there. She told a caretaker that when she next saw her kids, she would tell them she was sorry. But she never did. She never could find it in her. I guess as I write this I am able to accept that there was regret because of her relationships with her daughters, but I do not think she would have done differently. I think she felt we were necessary casualties. Sorry, I had to do it, she would have said. She lived as she wanted. It was a worldview that defined her. She did review her life, however. She talked about my long dead father, her love for him and her regret his life had turned out so badly. She spoke of her regret for leaving her 92 year old father who loved her beyond measure to die alone. And I am grateful for that. I am glad now she could say this to me, but I suffered for her at the time. Nomad, I think this is a danger zone. There is the need to accept the reality of our parents and to hold them responsible for who they were. And to accept they did what they did to us clear eyed and with purpose. If we do not do this, there is the risk that the reality of our own lives someone gets overlooked. And our lives were defined by the selfish and mistaken acts of these people that had total control over us. In effect, they held us hostages. We were hostages of our love and need. We needed so much from them, protection, care, love, guidance. In my case, I got none of this from my mother. I got taken care of. Fed, clothed. Supervised, minimally. I loved my Mother. I always will. My mother was a person of great beauty and warmth when she was happy. And that was when she was dressed up with her makeup on going out. I accept that. Now. And I admire her hardness and competency. It would have had it's place and utility. But not as a mother. But at the end, how I loved her. I will never regret that time, although it almost killed me. My true self came forth then, when she let me love her. Find the love and pride in yourself, Nomad. Love and admire yourself for your love of family and your loving commitment to them. Find deep respect for yourself for rising above your beginnings and what you lacked. Because you found a way to parent yourself and rise well above your beginnings. What you wish that your father had found, is in you. Love yourself for it. While we will never know, in your father's eyes was probably a reflection of your goodness, and perhaps, and maybe, gratitude. I want to think he felt gratitude too, for you. [/QUOTE]
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