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Windows in time...sharing a moment
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 215453" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I don't know that I attribute this moment to any particular thing - but if I were to sit and tell you our story - since a lot of you do not know us or the background/history and horrible past - and trying EVERYTHING under the sun, moon and stars to make people aware, listen, see...? Wow - </p><p> </p><p>I will say that learning HOW to talk to him was enormously helpful. A lot -TONS of mistakes are made in HOW we say things. We know what we mean but a lot of times people hear something else. It was amazing to learn that a lot of the things I was saying in hopes of boosting morale, confidence and to give praise were actually being taken as little jabs. Once I learned to "teen speak" it helped our relationship and I saw INSTANT changes, and if nothing else really ODD looks like he was thinking to himself "OMG SHE GETS ME." Making SURE I spoke to him or anyone else effectively was hard....and I still mess up, but I'm a work in progress. </p><p> </p><p>Secondly - Therapy. Lots and lots of it. For him and for US (parents). Once a week, every week, without fail for YEARs. Our therapist encouraged us to bring Dude kicking and screaming - EVEN if he would NOT say a word. Even if he sat in the office and ignored the doctor or slept. It wasn't so much the "listen" part that we needed to drive home as much as the "consistancy" part and eventually once you establish that a. YOU ARE THE PARENT b. YOU ARE GOING WHETHER YOU THINK IT"S HELPING OR NOT...c.) comes along eventually and says OH, I see....I can participate if I want to but it's not manditory - but when I don't go - my parents use the time to "plot" against me.....so I should USE my time - and some days it was no more than playing cards or checkers to Dude but the psychiatrist was wise enough to use that time to just talk about other clients and tell "stories" that stuck. He really was a genius...I'm sorry that Dude doesn't still go to him - but he did seek out someone (not as good in my humble opinion) but he did that ON HIS OWN - because he missed that "consistancy" in his life. </p><p> </p><p>c.) Maturity - or what little there is (LOL) because he's an 18 year old boy I'm not holding my breath. But considering the psychiatrist and the therapist said he's about 5 years behind in maturation it's like NOW seeing him get older by 1 year mentally for every 6 months physically - in August we said he was about 12 or 13.....now we see a "mature" 13-14 year old. </p><p> </p><p>d.) TOUGH LOVE and NATURAL consequences. Some of which I regret - BUT they are history and we don't bring up our yesterdays when we're tyring to reach for our tomorrows.....other than what we learned from them. </p><p> </p><p>e.) Educating myself and DF = and the bloody entire school district, some caseworkers, and agencies - because if you dont' know what you are talking about? They throw you to the wolves.....KNOW YOUR RIGHTS and your kids' rights. </p><p> </p><p>f.) last but CERTAINLY counts first.......KNEEMAIL. If any part of me goes first? It's going to be my knees.....from praying. </p><p> </p><p>g.) HUMOR - needed in EVERY situation - daily.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 215453, member: 4964"] I don't know that I attribute this moment to any particular thing - but if I were to sit and tell you our story - since a lot of you do not know us or the background/history and horrible past - and trying EVERYTHING under the sun, moon and stars to make people aware, listen, see...? Wow - I will say that learning HOW to talk to him was enormously helpful. A lot -TONS of mistakes are made in HOW we say things. We know what we mean but a lot of times people hear something else. It was amazing to learn that a lot of the things I was saying in hopes of boosting morale, confidence and to give praise were actually being taken as little jabs. Once I learned to "teen speak" it helped our relationship and I saw INSTANT changes, and if nothing else really ODD looks like he was thinking to himself "OMG SHE GETS ME." Making SURE I spoke to him or anyone else effectively was hard....and I still mess up, but I'm a work in progress. Secondly - Therapy. Lots and lots of it. For him and for US (parents). Once a week, every week, without fail for YEARs. Our therapist encouraged us to bring Dude kicking and screaming - EVEN if he would NOT say a word. Even if he sat in the office and ignored the doctor or slept. It wasn't so much the "listen" part that we needed to drive home as much as the "consistancy" part and eventually once you establish that a. YOU ARE THE PARENT b. YOU ARE GOING WHETHER YOU THINK IT"S HELPING OR NOT...c.) comes along eventually and says OH, I see....I can participate if I want to but it's not manditory - but when I don't go - my parents use the time to "plot" against me.....so I should USE my time - and some days it was no more than playing cards or checkers to Dude but the psychiatrist was wise enough to use that time to just talk about other clients and tell "stories" that stuck. He really was a genius...I'm sorry that Dude doesn't still go to him - but he did seek out someone (not as good in my humble opinion) but he did that ON HIS OWN - because he missed that "consistancy" in his life. c.) Maturity - or what little there is (LOL) because he's an 18 year old boy I'm not holding my breath. But considering the psychiatrist and the therapist said he's about 5 years behind in maturation it's like NOW seeing him get older by 1 year mentally for every 6 months physically - in August we said he was about 12 or 13.....now we see a "mature" 13-14 year old. d.) TOUGH LOVE and NATURAL consequences. Some of which I regret - BUT they are history and we don't bring up our yesterdays when we're tyring to reach for our tomorrows.....other than what we learned from them. e.) Educating myself and DF = and the bloody entire school district, some caseworkers, and agencies - because if you dont' know what you are talking about? They throw you to the wolves.....KNOW YOUR RIGHTS and your kids' rights. f.) last but CERTAINLY counts first.......KNEEMAIL. If any part of me goes first? It's going to be my knees.....from praying. g.) HUMOR - needed in EVERY situation - daily. [/QUOTE]
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