Wondering... Why did he steal from friends?

[SuZir]

I assume that is why your son is being ostracized. Sad. DDD

Yes, partly. He is partly ostracised now because of being a known thief, but he was ostracised also before he started stealing so it likely is partly because his overall personality. He had been with those same team mates (mostly, some changes or course every year) for five years before he started stealing and he was never well liked in that time. And yes, we know he wasn't stealing before it, because nothing was going missing (and not found later from where the kid had left it.) Breaking of the trust in what difficult child did is enormous and that is why consequences are too. And that is part of the reason I wonder. difficult child had to know the difference between stealing from somewhere else and stealing from team mates.

 

[Malika]

Malika, respectfully, I think there's a big difference in 2 instances of a young child's petty theft and an older teen stealing to finance an addiction with a lack of remorse.

Yeah, I get this totally. It is just that... I have no idea why I stole the purse from my friend. This is very strange to me, looking back on it from an adult standpoint. And I truly don't think there is a great leap that takes place between early childhood and teenage years in terms of self-insight.
Actually, I think I was a very impulsive child in some ways and didn't understand those impulses. This continued well into my adult life. Seems to be the "missing link" that is missing from our difficult children also... That, perhaps, is the dividing line of the boundary that some kids don't get, or get later than others.
But I think stealing to feed an addiction is something else again. I really don't know and don't at all wish to pretend that I do

 

[SuZir]

Now, my sister in law was a gambler and has been attending GA for around 14 years. It was a LONG time before she could have access to money comfortably and she still doesn't have or use credit cards because they are a trigger to gamblers. She stole money from their joint accounts & retirement plans. A big part of her treatment was paying it all back. And she has!

For years, my brother gave her $5 per day for spending money. (mutually agreed) She's doing great; day by day!

Can your son attend GA meetings? I remember learning that gambling addiction is difficult because gamblers will always need to use money. It can't be removed from their lives.

{{{hugs}}}

No GA meetings he could go (and to be honest, I'm not sorry about that. I'm not sold that 12 step ideology would be a good fit for my difficult child), but he has had science based gambling addiction treatment and meets addiction counsellor. He has been doing surprisingly well for all this time after getting caught. He too has also of course paid back what he stole, with interest.

He too does not have access to a lot of money. His salary comes to his one account, which he doesn't have an access, only me and my husband have and we pay his rent and other bills from there. He has an other account we transfer money weekly to his daily needs. He doesn't have credit cards but has a debit card for that account. If he needs something bigger, he calls me, I transfer the money needed and he shows me a receipt later. I also has an access to the account he is using so I can see where he has made purchases. It is of course not 100 % safe system, but nothing is. It helps him to fight a urge and make opportunities to relapse less (there are also other things that has been done to help him in this), but of course it is still up to him to do a work to stay clean. he has been doing nicely, but of course you never know with addictions, what will happen tomorrow.

 

[exhausted]

Did not read all post carefully-sorry to repeat or not meet the "curve" of the post.

In any addiction, the same chemicals are released into the brain which make the user "feel better". It doesn't matter if it is drug, sex or gambling enduced. These endorphines make the addict want more of the feeling. They do what they do to get more of the feeling. People who steal often steal for the same reason-the "high". The planning and thinking about it may also cause a high. My daughter, whose main addiction is sex, has shared that she gets that high feeling when she plans and thinks about her next encounter.There is actually some recent writing and research about "impulse control disorder"-Psychology Today had something in the fall or late summer last year.I believe on-line access is free for past issues.

Who knows why or the motivation-the problem is it almost certainly created some kind of euphoria and he may do it again if he relapses-consequences for these kids are not deterants-my difficult child says it. Fear is proven not to work-which is why the threats of jail and getting caught don't stop them. The chance that they will get a feeling of exhiliration-may even get away with it, is enough to turn the light green. The challenge/danger may make it more desirable. My difficult child likes to live on the edge and in danger- she feels alive this way. She often chooses the riskiest path. To me it's pathology and often goes along with addiction. Noone in my FA meetings has a kid who is addicted and doesn't do some kind of criminal stealing or sceaming to fuel their habit.