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Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 673664" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>There must come a time through all of this Copa, where there is...acceptance. After all of the stages of grief over this loss, a certain acceptance.</p><p>The hardest part to deal with, is there is seemingly no end to this. It just keeps going on, and on. A new situation, something else to ruminate over. So we work very, very hard to try and be prepared for the next phone call or visit, and the rug is pulled from beneath us again.</p><p>We have detached in the physical sense, our d cs are not living with us, <em>but they still occupy a large part of our hearts and minds.</em></p><p></p><p> </p><p><em>Yes.</em> What else is left to do? What <em>can </em>we do?</p><p>Our children became our whole world to us, when they were babes, it is a natural thing. We were meant to nurture them, to train them and then, we were meant to give them their wings and let them go.</p><p>We let them go to <em>live productive lives</em>.</p><p>Something happened, our kids failed to launch, did it call back the intensity of those feelings, that we would give up our lives to help them, even as they became adults?</p><p>We would spend every waking moment fretting and wringing our hands, giving up what life we have left in us?</p><p>What for? Is our fretting and wringing our hands helping our d cs?</p><p></p><p> It does feel <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />. We are high achievers, aren't we? There must be something we can do, anything. I would like to hold on to the thought of Viktor Frankl, that our children are out there, searching for their meaning in life. It is not the path we would have them on, but they are searching, just the same. I will hold on to that thought, that there is a hope for them to see their potentiality. That is where my love has to go. Otherwise, I will have given up. I will not give up, but I will <em>give in</em> to the fact that I have no control over their choices. I only have control over what I choose, what I do.</p><p>As we all do.</p><p></p><p> Copa, forgive me, but you are describing codependency. I see it in <em>myself</em>. It is part of being a wounded child. We learned that we did not matter. That feeling continues with us. I am going to read more about it. I hate labels, but if I cannot find a life for myself, outside of what my children are doing, then something is not right.</p><p>I think the work in FOO, is very important in this. Understanding that I was raised in a difficult situation and I grew up <em>believing that I did not matter. </em></p><p></p><p> Self love is the catalyst for everything else. <em>Love is the key</em>, but if we don't love ourselves enough, we cannot love others. We cannot give from empty. </p><p>Perhaps the void has been there all along?</p><p>The void was that we didn't love ourselves enough in the first place?</p><p></p><p> But, Copa, he was supposed to leave. He is an adult. Are you feeling this way, as an abandonment issue, or is it more that he abandoned himself? I feel bereft over my two's <em>self abandonment</em>. Perhaps, it is less painful for me, because I have other children? </p><p></p><p>Your son, is your only child. He was your world and heart, as you described. He awoke you with a sleeping beauty's kiss. It was a bright new future for you, and him. </p><p>He filled up an empty space that was already there. </p><p>In your son, you felt whole, fulfilled.</p><p>I felt the same with my children. I was always looking for someone to give my love to, and love me back. I was broken all along, because I did not love myself enough. I did not know it, but I see it now. I have always over extended, I have been a rug for many years, giving of myself in volunteering, helping others, sometimes to my own detriment.</p><p></p><p> </p><p>We must learn to love ourselves, Copa. </p><p>We must learn to love ourselves. </p><p>We were not taught that.</p><p>You were the protector, the champion.</p><p>Now you must be a champion for <em>yourself</em>.</p><p>Healing.</p><p>It must start with letting go, then a shifting of focus. </p><p>We do not know how to do this, it feels awkward and self serving. </p><p>It is not.</p><p>We have to know how to live our lives differently, for ourselves.</p><p>We are on the threshold.</p><p>It feels strange.</p><p>Especially during these holidays when that Norman Rockwell dinner doesn't happen, we are drawn back into the cycle, of wanting that. Wondering why we don't have it. Trying to figure out how to have it.</p><p>When the reality is, </p><p>it is what it is.</p><p>There is no going back, changing, rearranging, there is only forward.</p><p>We can look back to review the lesson, but we cannot change anything.</p><p>If we know that we were not taught to love ourselves, </p><p>and we recognize this, the only thing left to do, is to learn how.</p><p><img src="https://caterpillarandthebutterfly.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/butterflylessons2.jpg?w=640" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p>We are out of the cocoon, drying our wings in the dappled sunlight.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Contemplating how it may feel to fly.</p><p></p><p>One day, we will fly.</p><p>One day soon, we will fly.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 673664, member: 19522"] There must come a time through all of this Copa, where there is...acceptance. After all of the stages of grief over this loss, a certain acceptance. The hardest part to deal with, is there is seemingly no end to this. It just keeps going on, and on. A new situation, something else to ruminate over. So we work very, very hard to try and be prepared for the next phone call or visit, and the rug is pulled from beneath us again. We have detached in the physical sense, our d cs are not living with us, [I]but they still occupy a large part of our hearts and minds.[/I] [I]Yes.[/I] What else is left to do? What [I]can [/I]we do? Our children became our whole world to us, when they were babes, it is a natural thing. We were meant to nurture them, to train them and then, we were meant to give them their wings and let them go. We let them go to [I]live productive lives[/I]. Something happened, our kids failed to launch, did it call back the intensity of those feelings, that we would give up our lives to help them, even as they became adults? We would spend every waking moment fretting and wringing our hands, giving up what life we have left in us? What for? Is our fretting and wringing our hands helping our d cs? It does feel :censored2:. We are high achievers, aren't we? There must be something we can do, anything. I would like to hold on to the thought of Viktor Frankl, that our children are out there, searching for their meaning in life. It is not the path we would have them on, but they are searching, just the same. I will hold on to that thought, that there is a hope for them to see their potentiality. That is where my love has to go. Otherwise, I will have given up. I will not give up, but I will [I]give in[/I] to the fact that I have no control over their choices. I only have control over what I choose, what I do. As we all do. Copa, forgive me, but you are describing codependency. I see it in [I]myself[/I]. It is part of being a wounded child. We learned that we did not matter. That feeling continues with us. I am going to read more about it. I hate labels, but if I cannot find a life for myself, outside of what my children are doing, then something is not right. I think the work in FOO, is very important in this. Understanding that I was raised in a difficult situation and I grew up [I]believing that I did not matter. [/I] Self love is the catalyst for everything else. [I]Love is the key[/I], but if we don't love ourselves enough, we cannot love others. We cannot give from empty. Perhaps the void has been there all along? The void was that we didn't love ourselves enough in the first place? But, Copa, he was supposed to leave. He is an adult. Are you feeling this way, as an abandonment issue, or is it more that he abandoned himself? I feel bereft over my two's [I]self abandonment[/I]. Perhaps, it is less painful for me, because I have other children? Your son, is your only child. He was your world and heart, as you described. He awoke you with a sleeping beauty's kiss. It was a bright new future for you, and him. He filled up an empty space that was already there. In your son, you felt whole, fulfilled. I felt the same with my children. I was always looking for someone to give my love to, and love me back. I was broken all along, because I did not love myself enough. I did not know it, but I see it now. I have always over extended, I have been a rug for many years, giving of myself in volunteering, helping others, sometimes to my own detriment. We must learn to love ourselves, Copa. We must learn to love ourselves. We were not taught that. You were the protector, the champion. Now you must be a champion for [I]yourself[/I]. Healing. It must start with letting go, then a shifting of focus. We do not know how to do this, it feels awkward and self serving. It is not. We have to know how to live our lives differently, for ourselves. We are on the threshold. It feels strange. Especially during these holidays when that Norman Rockwell dinner doesn't happen, we are drawn back into the cycle, of wanting that. Wondering why we don't have it. Trying to figure out how to have it. When the reality is, it is what it is. There is no going back, changing, rearranging, there is only forward. We can look back to review the lesson, but we cannot change anything. If we know that we were not taught to love ourselves, and we recognize this, the only thing left to do, is to learn how. [IMG]https://caterpillarandthebutterfly.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/butterflylessons2.jpg?w=640[/IMG] We are out of the cocoon, drying our wings in the dappled sunlight. Contemplating how it may feel to fly. One day, we will fly. One day soon, we will fly. leafy [/QUOTE]
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