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Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673700" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So, these are my goals. These are what I want. <em><strong>That I cannot control. That is the key here. </strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>I can only set limits. In myself and in my contact with my son. The loss, the feelings come up when I want more. The holidays awaken longing. Which is usually contained.</p><p></p><p>Wanting is very conflicted for me. That is why my internet buying is so insatiable, when I allow the monster to come out of its cave.</p><p></p><p>I looked up wanting yesterday on the internet. To lack. To need. To be lacking. Defective. Damaged. Words like that: not being enough. Incompleteness. Words like that.</p><p></p><p>When we use the verb: I want (this or that or him or her) . It seems so strong. So decisive when the truth of it is the reverse. It is to say I am lacking...so I need.</p><p></p><p>When did the meaning change? The need and weakness of it become invisible.</p><p></p><p>Do I fear the weakness or the power of "to want"? Is it to make myself complete, that I fear...or is it to reveal to myself the damage of myself?</p><p></p><p>I am practicing wanting on the internet. I keep coming up short.</p><p>So, as I read this again, for me, this requires "a practice" or practices to make relationship with my son. What could I do that would build love and trust, rather than erode it? What would reinforce in myself that I love him...that I am a good mother, rather than the reverse? What can I do on my own terms, not his, that will work?</p><p></p><p>There are two parts to this: With him and within myself. The latter seems easier. I can find within myself that part that is a loving mother, strong and true. Through art. Through reading. What needs mending I can work to reinforce.</p><p></p><p>With him, harder. Ours is not a relationship of correspondence. I cannot remember ever having written him a letter. Emails, yes. But I do not want to do that.</p><p></p><p>I was thinking yesterday that I would like to send him a few references of books, of websites, that would inform his thinking about world events. I mean, my thinking about world affairs is not too different that his, except I do not believe reptiles have mated with martians to create a cabal that rules the world. There are thinking people that believe we are at risk to world war. There are thinking people that believe there is a power base that seeks to manipulate world history.</p><p></p><p>If he just stops talking about the martians, I could engage with him. There are websites like "The Intercept" or "The Guardian" that intelligently critique the mainstream press. But I think engaging him in any way that threatens to trigger either of us is a risk.</p><p></p><p><em>What do you think about sending him some names of websites or some books?</em></p><p>What is my goal here? It is not easy to identify. Do I want relationship with son or am I seeking relationship with myself? </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673700, member: 18958"] So, these are my goals. These are what I want. [I][B]That I cannot control. That is the key here. [/B][/I] I can only set limits. In myself and in my contact with my son. The loss, the feelings come up when I want more. The holidays awaken longing. Which is usually contained. Wanting is very conflicted for me. That is why my internet buying is so insatiable, when I allow the monster to come out of its cave. I looked up wanting yesterday on the internet. To lack. To need. To be lacking. Defective. Damaged. Words like that: not being enough. Incompleteness. Words like that. When we use the verb: I want (this or that or him or her) . It seems so strong. So decisive when the truth of it is the reverse. It is to say I am lacking...so I need. When did the meaning change? The need and weakness of it become invisible. Do I fear the weakness or the power of "to want"? Is it to make myself complete, that I fear...or is it to reveal to myself the damage of myself? I am practicing wanting on the internet. I keep coming up short. So, as I read this again, for me, this requires "a practice" or practices to make relationship with my son. What could I do that would build love and trust, rather than erode it? What would reinforce in myself that I love him...that I am a good mother, rather than the reverse? What can I do on my own terms, not his, that will work? There are two parts to this: With him and within myself. The latter seems easier. I can find within myself that part that is a loving mother, strong and true. Through art. Through reading. What needs mending I can work to reinforce. With him, harder. Ours is not a relationship of correspondence. I cannot remember ever having written him a letter. Emails, yes. But I do not want to do that. I was thinking yesterday that I would like to send him a few references of books, of websites, that would inform his thinking about world events. I mean, my thinking about world affairs is not too different that his, except I do not believe reptiles have mated with martians to create a cabal that rules the world. There are thinking people that believe we are at risk to world war. There are thinking people that believe there is a power base that seeks to manipulate world history. If he just stops talking about the martians, I could engage with him. There are websites like "The Intercept" or "The Guardian" that intelligently critique the mainstream press. But I think engaging him in any way that threatens to trigger either of us is a risk. [I]What do you think about sending him some names of websites or some books?[/I] What is my goal here? It is not easy to identify. Do I want relationship with son or am I seeking relationship with myself? COPA [/QUOTE]
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