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Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674072" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Remember how to deal with this, Cedar. "Unfortunately, I look ugly today."</p><p>Yes.</p><p>For me, I think it might be that I taught myself to see myself this way, in response to how I was treated.</p><p>How good it is that we have each other in this scary place. Knowing that others can and do related makes such a difference.</p><p>Yes. Since the call from my son I have felt somehow tainted. Uneasy. </p><p></p><p>It shames me but I have a certain contempt for my son. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday I asked M which of his sons was tallest. Rodrigo, he said. He is 1.85 metros. (Meters.) </p><p></p><p>Well from that almost started a fight, because we could not both of us together reach any common understanding of how tall that was in feet and inches or how tall it was in relation to my son, who is 6'2". </p><p></p><p>M wanted his his Rodrigo to be taller than my own. To be 6'5" and nowhere could I find a calculator on the internet that yielded this result. All of them showed Rodrigo to be almost 6'1", a bit shy of the height of my son. </p><p></p><p>It was a ludicrous competition. I felt (and said). What else does J have to win at, except his height?</p><p></p><p>Poor J. And M answered: that is back to him. His efforts and hard work or lack of it. </p><p></p><p>So it got into a discussion of my son's present situation and M declaring that he did not know that my son was only paid $100 a week, when the other workers employed by the Brazilian son were paid $100 a day. He insisted I had told him it was $100 a day that my son received. </p><p></p><p>M said: Whether he is mentally disabled or a fool, or not, I do not want anybody taking advantage of him. </p><p>We need to go to where he is working and see if he is really working hard or not. Because if he is working hard he needs to be paid as are the other workers.</p><p></p><p>So we discussed the logistics of this and how and if it was possible.</p><p></p><p>I tried to tell M: Until J is willing to work in a regular job or go to school, what are his alternatives? This is all he has. If I contribute to a sense of dissatisfaction or inequity in him, that he is being mistreated? What will happen next, if he does not have it in him yet the desire or where with all to create a next alternative or step?</p><p></p><p>Actually, I said, I think both the father and son are using J. The one for cheap labor the other for rent. My son pays a third of the rent and utilities and he sleeps in the living room. But what can I say to him that does not bring about more problems and vulnerability?</p><p></p><p>M said: Tell him that he needs to work hard so that he merits equal pay. </p><p>Somehow this relates but I do not know how. </p><p></p><p>I have a child who does merit care. Ultimately from himself. Over and over again he has put himself at the mercy of others, either their generosity or exploitation. It is painful for me, and it seems M too.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to have contempt for my own child. But something very close to contempt is being triggered.</p><p></p><p>Why is everything so hard?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674072, member: 18958"] Remember how to deal with this, Cedar. "Unfortunately, I look ugly today." Yes. For me, I think it might be that I taught myself to see myself this way, in response to how I was treated. How good it is that we have each other in this scary place. Knowing that others can and do related makes such a difference. Yes. Since the call from my son I have felt somehow tainted. Uneasy. It shames me but I have a certain contempt for my son. Yesterday I asked M which of his sons was tallest. Rodrigo, he said. He is 1.85 metros. (Meters.) Well from that almost started a fight, because we could not both of us together reach any common understanding of how tall that was in feet and inches or how tall it was in relation to my son, who is 6'2". M wanted his his Rodrigo to be taller than my own. To be 6'5" and nowhere could I find a calculator on the internet that yielded this result. All of them showed Rodrigo to be almost 6'1", a bit shy of the height of my son. It was a ludicrous competition. I felt (and said). What else does J have to win at, except his height? Poor J. And M answered: that is back to him. His efforts and hard work or lack of it. So it got into a discussion of my son's present situation and M declaring that he did not know that my son was only paid $100 a week, when the other workers employed by the Brazilian son were paid $100 a day. He insisted I had told him it was $100 a day that my son received. M said: Whether he is mentally disabled or a fool, or not, I do not want anybody taking advantage of him. We need to go to where he is working and see if he is really working hard or not. Because if he is working hard he needs to be paid as are the other workers. So we discussed the logistics of this and how and if it was possible. I tried to tell M: Until J is willing to work in a regular job or go to school, what are his alternatives? This is all he has. If I contribute to a sense of dissatisfaction or inequity in him, that he is being mistreated? What will happen next, if he does not have it in him yet the desire or where with all to create a next alternative or step? Actually, I said, I think both the father and son are using J. The one for cheap labor the other for rent. My son pays a third of the rent and utilities and he sleeps in the living room. But what can I say to him that does not bring about more problems and vulnerability? M said: Tell him that he needs to work hard so that he merits equal pay. Somehow this relates but I do not know how. I have a child who does merit care. Ultimately from himself. Over and over again he has put himself at the mercy of others, either their generosity or exploitation. It is painful for me, and it seems M too. I do not want to have contempt for my own child. But something very close to contempt is being triggered. Why is everything so hard? COPA [/QUOTE]
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