Worried about the holidays

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I hate this time of year. I really do. I get so worked up about the holidays. Usually it's bc I was always unsure of how difficult child would act around others etc. This year I'm freaking out bc difficult child is living on his own (first time ever) 2 hours away. We are still not comfortable allowing him back in our home. He's not on medications and is still a threat in my opinion even though he's been acting so sweet in his messages to me. He hasn't asked to come here yet but if he does I'm going to have to tell him no and it breaks my heart to have to do that during the holidays. He just got out of jail, is living with god know who doing god knows what, and has not been on medications in at least 3 weeks. I can't take the chance of something happening.

    I'm still waiting for him to answer my latest message about who he's staying with. I don't want to get myself involved too much but I'm curious. I can't even begin to imagine who it could be!

    Anyway I need some advice on how to handle the holidays this year. I'm not saying we'll NEVER feel comfortable having him here but we definitely don't if he's not on any medications.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga still asks on occasion about getting together for a holiday. While our absolute terror of her made it easy to say no in the early years, it still felt bad. What I finally realized was that she really didn't care about seeing us on the holiday and she only asked (depending on her mood) to try and make us feel bad, to put on a show for whoever was listening to her at her end, or because she was bored.

    If you feel it is safe to see him at all, maybe you can go visit him someday during the holiday season; either at a public place or at his placement.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Sadly he's not in his placement anymore. He chose to leave his placement 3 weeks ago which resulted in him winding up in jail for 2 weeks. He was just released on Friday and is staying with a "friend" (god only knows who!) 2 hours away in PA. We are in NJ. He is also off of all of his medication. He doesn't feel that he needs to be medicated which is pretty scary! I don't feel comfortable allowing him to come to our house especially under these circumstances.

    My husband keeps telling me to take it one day at a time before I give myself a heart attack. I think I'm going to listen to him for once. If and when the situation arises I will deal with it then - *SIGH* - Easier said than done!!
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Make plans to see him 2 days after Christmas.....you go to him. Accept it and stick to it. Then you have no worries until after you enjoy your lovely holiday!
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi JKF, what a pickle! Busywends idea sounds good to me too. In our world, there is no cut and dry answer, we have to make it up as we go along. Our kids keep us on our toes thinking of new and creative ways to deal with them. So, take it one moment at a time, in this moment, everything is OK, he's safe, he's not in your home, right here, right now, it's all ok. That's the best we can do sometimes, just stay here in the present moment, breathe and try our best to enjoy the rest of our lives. Sigh. I know how you feel.

  6. JFK - you have certainly been through a lot recently. I think your husband is right (mine usually says the same to me) and you need to just take this one day at a time. It is so much easier to say than to do, I know.

    I hope that your difficult child gets back into placement (if possible) and back on his medications before Christmas. Maybe that will help make the decision of whether or not to see him easier?
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    This is how WE came to handle the holidays. You are right, it IS difficult and there are no right or wrong answers.

    by the way, I came here to post something similar... so don't be surprised if/when you see it.

    We are doing something separate amd small for our difficult child for Thansgiving about a week ahead of time. A small dinner...mostly food that I'll pick up from the local grocer...pre cooked. I think I'm making one item. She has been difficult for us and for the family recently. For Christmas....it is up in the air. She is ok for the Thanksgiving situation. Often we base our decisions on her recent behavior (s).

    If he (your son) refuses to take the medications he is suppose to take or has been acting inappropriately recently, that might make the decision for you. You might consider a separate little dinner without the rest of the family should he chose not to be cooperative and/or appropriate. If he is VERY/big time inappropriate...forget it altogether.

    If he makes no effort to cooperate, so be it. He's lucky to get any acknowledgement of the holiday...but why should you ruin your special day and the day for others too????? Just a thought for consideration.