Worried after getting a call from adult son

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

I got a call from difficult child last night and all I can say is I am worried.... I almost wish he hadn't called just because it put me in turmoil again with worry. I am glad he did call in that I am glad he reached out to us. The good news is he sounds calm, not angry but has "concerns" which he is writing to us about. Sounds like he doesnt feel he really fits into the program, he is the youngest man by far and the other men are dealing with more serious problems or in their marriages etc. I did talk to him about the importance of not acting out, or just leaving but talking to his therapist etc. I kind of wondered if this might be the case but knew this program has a good reputation. And my feeling is at this point is there is no "perfect" program, the truth is difficult child has to be willing to do the work. One thing he doesnt like is there is a buddy systme so someone is with him all the time (ha that might be a good thing). He also said he wont be ablel to call again for two weeks... they are allowed one phone call in their first 24 hours.... so I am glad he called us instead of someone else!!!

So I am going to sit down and write him a letter, trying to be encouraging and positive, but also saying this is a chance for him to work things out constructively and really if this program has helped men with much worse problems it should be able to help him.

And I know he got there at the beginning of the weekend.... and so he is not really into it yet... and he has always had a hard time in new situations. Although some treatment programs he has liked in the beginning.

I am hanging in there.... glad I got at least one good nights sleep.

TL

 

[buddy]

So I am going to sit down and write him a letter, trying to be encouraging and positive, but also saying this is a chance for him to work things out constructively and really if this program has helped men with much worse problems it should be able to help him.

Great way to put it to him! I think you are right, for many of our difficult child's who have more than one issue, there is just NOT going to be a perfect match. So frustrating and disappointing though. At his age it is nice to have someone to relate to but I bet t here are some single guys there or at least guys who can relate to what he is going through???

And maybe (wishing) he could see that they were like him once but didn't get it together and now here they are with bigger issues years and years later. Hard to say that without sounding like it is too hard though, I can imagine it is tricky to balance being encouraging with little hints and warnings....yikes.

I hope he can just focus on getting what he needs. He will probably find something wrong with most places since as you said it takes such work. No matter where he is.

HUGS, I sure wish this was not all so hard.

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with Buddy. There will never be a perfect match but it sounds like you did your research and this is a place that can help him if he will work with them.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your difficult child will see this is the best shot getting better.

~Kathy

 

[DammitJanet]

Yes, I can imagine he isnt thrilled with where he is because no place is going to be exactly perfect unless it was built especially for him and you cant afford that. It would be wonderful for him if you could afford to hire a therapist, a psychiatrist, a sober living coach and an interventionist to all go live in a condo with him somewhere and follow him around for the next year to teach him how to live in the real world then start to wean him slowly away from their services but that cant happen. It might be possible if he was Charlie Sheen but not difficult child.

 

[toughlovin]

Thats right Janet.... I am just left feeling kind of hopeless.... like what is going to happen next and how long can we do this... and yet if he wants and is looking for help I can't abandon him..... guess he is really going to have to figure out how to make this time work. i mailed my letter and i need to find a way to let go for a few days and live my life... but it is so hard!!! I think I will call them on Tuesday and see if I can find out how he is doing from a therapist or something. Definitely feeling like a worried mom here.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I feel bad for him. I imagine he is feeling like he doesn't belong there, and yet if he would only gve it a chance he may find that their program can help him. He may be comparing himself to others and not seeing that he is like them, but it doesn't matter, they are all struggling with issues that need to be confronted. I hope he gives it a chance. I know how worried you are TL because how many more places can you find for him? In a way I know my difficult child's issues are low self worth probably because of the adoption and addiction issues and borderline personality traits. She was doing well when she was in the first sober house and I believe in my heart that if she would maintain sobriety she could work on the other issues, but she can't.

In your son's case I'm not sure even you know the real root of his problems and so it's harder to find where to start. I wish we could lock up both our difficult child's and give them personal counseling for years so that they finally accept themselves and learn how to live inside their skin.

I think you are doing the best you can now, sending him the letter and trying to forgot for a while. I don't know the answer for either of us.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL,

We had the same situation. My son is 18. Was always the youngest in residental, etc. his roommate was served divorce papers. Another guy relapsed and lost his medical license. Another was having huge money issues and was losing his house. Then, the guy with divorce papers cut his wrists (is okay now).

I know both our boys feel out of place. The rehab keeps telling me how YOUNG my son is. I swear, if they tell me again, i may force them to watch his birth video just to prove that I am aware of my child's age...sheesh.

I just keep turning it upside down.

You say he is young? I say he doesn't have a wife and kids to interfere with his recovery.

Only 18? Yes, but he doesn't have to fight an addiction he has had for 10-20 years.

Immature? Sure, but he is able to fully devote his life to recovery right now without the concerns of paying a mortgage or keeping a job.

These are things I have replied when my son, or others, talk about his age being a negative factor. I know you are worried. Glad you can sleep....hope this helps even a tiny bit.

 

[pasajes4]

My difficult child just got through with a stint at Laurel Ridge, a premier alc/drug/psychatric, hospital in Tx. In the drug/alc program the ages range from 18- 100. I watched them comming in beligerant,ranting,raving and in denial. In the weeks that my son was there, I saw these same people really make some changes. You could see some of the younger ones helping the eldery patients manuver their wheel chairs around the campus and some of the older patients interacting with the younger patients who if they listened, could benefit from their life experiences.

He will get out of it what he puts into it. You have done all you can.

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you all.... it is so wonderful to have this place to come to where I don't have to explain the whole story and saga and I know you all totally understand how I feel!! I was feeling better when I woke up this mornnig, did in fact sleep last night... until all the annoyances of everyday life got to me. LOL.

TL