Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sherril2000, May 18, 2016.

  1. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I haven't posted anything for a long time. I frequently read posts from others, and really take comfort from those on this forum. I'm sure my story will sound familiar. I've tried most everything in my power to help my son. I ended up paying an awesome attorney a lot of money to defend him against 1 count of robbery, 1 count of attempted robbery, and 2 counts of use of a firearm in a felony. The Commonwealth was trying to give him 8 years, and the attorney got it reduced to possession of ammunition by a convicted felon. He was sentenced to 1 year for this, and got out of jail after serving 10 months. Well, my life turned into a nightmare when he was released. He went back to carrying a gun, was selling marijuana, and punched multiple holes in my walls due to drinking and fighting with his girlfriend. Last Thursday, he was arrested again for possession of ammunition by a felon. He and his friends were stopped by police due to a tail light being out and the police searched the car because they said they smelled weed. No drugs were found, but when my son was sitting on the ground the police said they found 3 bullets that fell out of his pockets. They arrested him and charged him for the ammunition. He already has 3 probation violations that he is scheduled to go to court for. His public defender came to see him today, and told him he was going to try to get him a bond hearing next week when he goes to court for the probation violations. I am hoping the judge will deny the bond and give him the mandatory time of at least 2 years and denies his bond. At the rate he was going, he is much safer in jail than out. I know there are those on here with a lot of legal knowledge. Is it really a possibility a judge would let him out on bond when he's violated probation 3 times?
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Sherril, and I am just so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this with your son. It is so hard when they just keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

    I'm sure others will come along with specific legal advice, but I can tell you that the jails are overcrowded and so it seemed like with my son (he was in jail 8 or 9 times and violated probation several times) that he would get out sooner rather than later. The last several times he could not make bond because nobody would help him in that regard so he had to stay.

    I agree with you that at times, they are much safer in jail, and at least can't keep on making things worse for themselves and possibly getting hurt or hurting someone else. I finally got to the point I was very relieved when he would go back to jail (I know, sounds crazy doesn't it?).

    We help and we try and we think: this time it will "take" and then they go back and do it all again. I do believe that many young men just aren't going to straighten up for a while, due to their age, and growing brain development and lots of testosterone, plus the substances they use and the friends they hang out with just elevate it all.

    I hope you are taking the time you need for yourself right now. Just let it all go. Breathe. You can't do a thing about this. It's out of your hands. You are powerless but you are not helpless.

    Hang in there, and keep us posted. We're here for you.
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  3. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sherril. I remember you and your son very well. I am glad you are back with us and I hope you stay. Of course I wish this was not happening.

    I will tell you what I think: the actions of the court are between the judge and your son. The consequences for his crimes between the State and your son. There is no place for you here. Hoping for either one thing or another.

    I live in an area where there is a lot of gang activity, especially with the Latino community, of which I am a part. In our extended family almost every male has been to jail and typically prison. At minimum serious drug use was involved.

    These kids, every one of them I can think of, have turned their lives around. They become responsible fathers and maybe, husbands. They work.

    But their mothers have nothing to do with it. Usually it is prison that scares them, these kids. I have written before that 27 or 28 is usually a turning point.

    Now is the time to let this go and let your son live the life he has decided upon. Whether or not he stays confined and what his sentence is, has nothing to do with you.

    This is time for you to work on your focus, which is not your son. Like says COM, it is time for you. Your son will or will not work this out, and will learn sooner or later.

    Let me add one thing. It sounds like your son is in dangerous, criminal activity pretty deep, likely with a gang. He may well be selling serious quantities of drugs, and/or doing more. I would decide right now what limits I want with respect to contact with him should he receive bail. We have had family members' homes and cars shot at. This is not play.

    Closing, I am sorry you are suffering this. And slightly peeved at your son. You went to bat for him, and he could not care not even a bit. (Is he the kid that said he was on the lamb--and was never coming back? Wasn't he in San Diego? Or was that some other poor Mom's kid. I think I remember your kid with lip. What an idiot. I am sorry.)

    Why not stay with us this time? I hope you keep posting. Take care.
    Last edited: May 18, 2016
  5. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you Copa. You are so right about the danger. 2 cars pulled up here one day while I was at work and someone shot at him and his friends. This is why I don't want him to even try coming home for a long time. I certainly have no intention of bonding him out, and I'm hoping none of his friends will either. Since he was arrested, it has been so peaceful here. I just had a new grandson arrive Saturday, and all 3 of my other children are doing so well. Im just not going to let him ruin my life any more .
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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Sherril. COM and Copa have given you excellent advice. You sound as if you've arrived at a place of letting go. I know it's hard, but it's time to let go and live your life. Hang in there.......we're here for you.
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sherri. Is it Sherri or Sherril? I want to call you by the correct name. *Even if it is made up.

    Congratulations on the new baby. I am thrilled!! I would like grandchildren as much as I want to dance Tango again, and that is very, very much.
    Your son should not have the power to ruin your life. You were not here when a Mom here came up with the analogy of the need to climb 2 ladders, not the same one. With the same one, when our kids fall they crush us. We cannot be there for ourselves, for them or for our other kids. With 2 ladders, you climbing independently, it works.

    Trust me. I have been through this thousands of times (I worked in prison reception centers and mainlines.) It was my job to screen them when they came to prison, and work with them afterward.

    This whole jail/prison trajectory has its own rules and momentum and learning. Decide if you will put money on his books, visit or not, accept collect calls. That is all that is yours to do.

    I would decide now whether he is permitted near the house or family, should he get bail. I would tell him that up front. Think about the new baby. Look who your son is compromising. This innocent infant and anybody around him.

    When you write back (I hope you do) tell us how you have been doing. Fun, work, relaxing, home.

    I am on an intermittent fast diet to try to lose weight. uh oh. M asked for fried rice (I make it with bacon, sausage and steak.) I had a tiny serving.

    I am busy doing an online Red Cross CPR course to go back to work. They say it should take 55 minutes for somebody with prior training. I am already at it 6 hours, and no end in sight. I am trying to go back to work. I have not worked for 4 years.

    Take care.
  8. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Lol! That fried rice sounds great! I know you will get through that CPR course! Sometimes taking it online is more complicated than just taking the class. I just got through ACLS and I dread taking it every 2 years. My name is really Sherri, but Sherri2000 was already used as someone's name, so I just combined it with the 1st letter of my middle name to make Sherril. I love the analogy of the 2 ladders. That will really help me when he stresses me out. I have been so wrapped up always trying t help him, but need to realize he has his own ladder to climb. Thank you for that❤️
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you, Sherri L. I am so sorry to hear about the latest with your son. I hope whatever is best for YOU in terms of your security and peace of mind is what happens. I agree with the others here, it is time to let go of him and focus on yourself, your 3 kids and your beautiful new grandson. Congratulations!
  10. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you!
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Sherril, so good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear your son got into trouble again.

    I think it's a wise choice not to bail him out. You spent a lot of money on an attorney that fought for him and got the charges reduced but your son is not taking any of it seriously.
    It really depends on the judge, some will be more lenient than others. Even if the judge orders him to be bonded out you are under no obligation to post it. If your son asks you to, if it were me, I would be honest and remind him that you already paid $$$$ for a lawyer and since he didn't respect the boundaries of his probation you will not throw any more money away.

    Sherril, you've got a good grip on all of this but even with that, it never is easy to deal with when our d_c's are in trouble.

    ((HUGS)) to you and congratulations on the new grand baby.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Sherri

    I hope you check in with us today, and are doing OK.
  13. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thanks to all of you for all the supportive comments. Being here always makes me feel so much better. Feeling more encouraged today. Things are going better at home again, much quieter. Praying he stays in jail for now until maybe he can figure out how to obey the law.
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  14. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Hi Sherril- I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with others, don't bail him out if that becomes an option. YOU paid for an expensive lawyer to get reduced charges and then he pretty much gave you the finger for going back out again and landing in jail.

    Start coming up with a plan of how you will handle him remaining in jail, will you fund dollars for his account, accept phone calls, go see him. DO only what you feel you can handle. If he gets out on bond- how will you handle if he comes by, calls, etc.

    Prepare ahead of time so you don't get blind-sided with urgent calls for help and then have to decide at that moment of how to do, etc.

    Keep us posted.
  15. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Very tired tonight. Long day at work. I did put money on my son's phone account and Canteen account today, but made it very clear I will not bail him out or pay for any more attorneys. So now he is no longer calling me but whining to his girlfriend about how I no longer love him. She is such a blessing. I overheard her telling him we all love him, but it's time he grew up and started to take responsibility for his actions. I swear, I don't know what she sees in him. I love him because he is my child, but I certainly don't expect any girl to put up with his tantrums and emotional blackmail. Maybe he can get some counseling while he's in jail.
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Give me a break.
  17. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Sherril2000- You know your son's comments to girlfriend are nothing more then deflection; not willing to take ownership of why he is jail, his life choices. It's so much easier to blame it on mom, dad, siblings, etc. YOU know your love for him- that is all that matters. Love isn't bailing kid out of jail every time they make a choice to break the law. Love is standing your ground even though it breaks your heart. I funded my son's account as well- no regrets. BUT I like you- refused to bail him out. He needed to stay there to think about how he got there, a time out from all the drama that was going on in his life, the bad people he was associating it, etc. He had food, bed, no drugs. Hang in there. I know the walk you are on, as do others here.
  18. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Her son's whining is no different then your Difficult Child, mine and anyone else's Difficult Child'S on this board. They all have a pity party and are shocked that the one's that love them don't want to come to it.
  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    He KNOWS you love him.