Worrisome behavior from my 12 year old brother

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by concerned1990, Jul 9, 2016.

  1. concerned1990

    concerned1990 New Member

    My mom and my 12 year old brother are currently living with myself, my husband, and my five moth old. I have always suspected something was not quite right about my brother, and I am now worried about him possibly harming my son. This is going to be long, but I need some advice.
    Some background on my brother:
    His bio father had bipolar depression and psychosis (he would hear voices that eventually led to 3 suicide attempts). My brother's first years of life were filled with instability since his dad was at the worst of his depression and became emotionally abusive of my mom and my other brother (not me, for some reason). My mom and him eventually divorced, and it was not amicable in the least. When he moved out and got his own apartment, he would frequently have pornographic magazines laying around the place, and my brother (3 at the time) was caught multiple times hiding under the office desk looking through them when my mom would go pick him up. He would also rub his toys on his penis when he would take a bath. This behavior was disturbing at the time, but chalked up to boyish curiosity, ad my mom repeatedly asked his dad to stop leaving that content within reach. He also started to get joy out of grabbing the fish out of the fish tank and squishing them in his hands. We stopped buying fish. We also started noticing he was prone to lying. About aything! He would make up stories on the spot. Once again chalked up to him being so young. Fast forward to school years. He has had problems in school since day 1. From normal tantrums to outright fits of rage. My mom would get calls everyday about his behavior. He would also poop himself at least once a day until the age of 9. He has never had any friends because he would always end up in a fight. Around 3rd grade he started getting bullied everyday at school, and so his behavior and tantrums got worse. His dad expressed concern about his behavior and got him to a psychologist who said my brother had some form of detachment from reality and the consequences of his actions. He said that he seemed to show signs of depression but could not be diagnosed until he was older. The lying only got worse as he grew up and so did his sexual curiosity. I often caught him trying to sneak into the bathroom when I was showering, so we bought a bathroom door that locked. I moved out when he was 8. He started to hate spending time with his dad. One day my mom came home to find he house in disarray, he was 9 at the time and had been dropped off by his dad. My brother told my mom that my stepdad had broken in and wrecked everything exclaiming he would kill his mom one day. His dad always said that was not true, but at the time my mom believed my brother and got a restraining order on his dad. Around the age of 10 my brother started telling my mom he sometimes thought of hurting himself, and that he was sad most of the time. My mom remarried, which brought about a world of problems with my brother's dad. As his depression worsened and so did his psychosis he would lash out at my mom and my brother through verbal insults quite often. Last year (my brother was 11), my brother's dad died. Sudden cardiac arrest out of nowhere (more or less, he had an enlarged heart and his liver was failing from his drinking). When my mom told my brother his reply was "Oh", and he went about his life as usual. No show of emotion or grief. He was more concerned about getting back to his video game (video games and tv is all he ever does). That was concerning.

    Current Events:
    Around this time my mom and her husband went through financial struggle as they were both laid off. I told them to come live with us. My mom has always worked full time, and my brother used to spend a lot of time alone, which is why some of the things that we started to notice weren't noticed until there was someone constantly home with him, or maybe he was getting worse. It was small things, like the dogs would wimper whenever he was around. I later found him on the side of the house digging the handle of a shovel into the dog's paw while he held him down. I forbade him from being around the dogs. My husband walked into the bathroom one night to find a strange wad on the toilet seat. It was ejaculate. He had masturbated unto the toilet seat and left it there. He found this three more times after having told him to never do it again. I had give him a tablet for his birthday and my mom decided to take a look at his search history and apps. He would watch nothing but porn on it. Weird porn. One of the videos featured an asian female being fisted by three men. And that was the mild one. He was also talking to multiple girls on the kik app. HE would ask them for nudes and was "sexting" many of them. One of the girl's fathers went on there and told him he would report him to the cops if he ever messaged his daughter again. Ok, well maybe he's just being a boy. I don't know, but it was concerning. I caught him hurting the dogs a few more times after I had told him to not be around them. I had a baby, and from the start did not feel comfortable leaving him alone with my brother. He continues having trouble in school and even failed sixth grade. His teachers state that he still has angry outburst whenever he is asked to do his work. He will bang his desk or run out of the classroom. He mad a friend in the neighborhood, a week later the boy's dad came to our house and asked that my brother never come over again. He had told the boy' younger brother that he had "something sticky and hard in his pants. Do you want to see?". My brother claims he never said that. I walked into the living room one day, when my son was in his swing and saw him sitting in front of him with his hand hovering above my son's head, not quite touching him and looking concentrated. I made a noise and he startled and jumped back. I don't know what to make of that and maybe I'm looking too much into it. He has frequent nosebleeds and constantly leaves blood in the bathroom. Going into the bathroom you never know what you're going to find, blood, semen, poop (he seems to always smear it on something). He loves scary movies, violent movies, and violent video games. He got in a fight at school and broke a boy's leg by stomping on it. He breaks things around the house, my mom's perfume bottle, dishes, and claimed they were accidents. We found a lighter covered in lighter fluid in the back porch, maybe it wasn't him, but it was suspicious. He got on my mom's phone and used her google account to download a game, then spent 500 dollars on add ons(he knows her google password and she had her card saved on there) . Google was kind enough to refund the money. His tablet was taken away, but he would go on the living room desktop to watch porn. The weird porn, again. He always apologizes afterwards. I'm sorry is his favorite word. When he wants something out of mom he hugs her and kisses her and then asks, but disrespects her all other times. He lost his room privileges after the 500 dollars. We moved his bed to the living room and told him he had to complete 60 hours of chores to earn his room back. He was angry about this, and especially at my husband since it had been his idea. After catching him watching porn on the desktop again my husband reprimanded my brother. The next day my husband had bought a soda, drank half of it and left it on his computer desk. Later that day he went to drink from his soda, took a swig and thought it tasted weird so he spit it out. He was shocked by the smell so he ran to our room and asked me to smell it. It was pee. He threw up and washed his mouth before going to find him. He asked him if he had peed in the can and my brother said he had done so because both bathrooms were taken and he really had to pee. My husband asked why he had put it on his desk and my brother replied that he had set it down to throw out late but had forgotten about it. The only thing is that everyone but me had been at work, so the bathroom in my parent's room was vacant the whole day. He said "sorry bro" and went to bed (it was 12am).
    I don't know what to make of this. I'm concerned that he's going to get worse. Or maybe there's nothing to worry about and he's just a kid?
    I don't know but I just have this feeling that he's not ok, and that I shouldn't leave him alone with the baby.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is plenty to be worried about. He has all three signs and more of young serial killers....the fire, the inappropriate pooping and peeing and squashing the fish (cruelty to animals). Doesn't mean he'll actually be one, but its not good. On top of that his sexual behaviour is way over the top. This child is very sick and should be getting 24/7 help in residential treatment. What if he puts poison rather than urine in a drink? Urine is bad enough. What if he chokes your baby? I can't see him being normal in the near future, but only his parents can legally try to put him somewhere that can both monitor him 24/7 and treat his many dangerous behaviors and mental illnesses.

    If he is living in your house, I think you owe it to your baby to get him out of there NOW to protect her, even if your mother and brother then have to go to a shelter. if this is mother's house, I'd leave, even if you and husband have to live in a shelter for now.

    Brother sounds like he is a budding sociopath maybe with attachment disorder, but ,other than reporting him to CPS (which could offer help to him and mother) legally you cant do a thing.

    Please think of your baby's safety. This child is too dangerous to live with family. He needs residential treatment. Today. I had a foster child like him. He molested my two young children. Do not underestmate what Brothet does when you don't see him. Sounds like he has no conscience.

    I am sorry. Take care. PLEASE protect your baby from him. He is not okay.
     
  3. concerned1990

    concerned1990 New Member

    Yes, I have already asked my mom to leave. I'm scared of what he'll do next. We're looking for an apartment for her because they have to go. My husband is scared for our baby, and so am I. My mom is scared too, she's going to find a psychiatrist. It's just comforting, in a weird way, to know we're not overreacting, that there is something to worry about. I didn't want to label him if he was just being a kid. or the time being he's back in his room, but we're not leaving him alone. I thought about having her call for an emergency psychiatric consult, but I don't know if it's warranted. He planted a can of urine for my husband, though, and that's so disturbing.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Trust me. I raised four and did foster care and was the neighborhood mom becsuse I didnt work. I think your brother is as sick as the foster kid we had only the foster kid was better at hiding it. There is nothing normal about anything your brother is doing. I doubt seeing a psychiatrist from home is enough to help him. He is dangerous. Obviously some abuse nobody knew about happened to him, but that fact doesn't make him less a danger.

    You are doing the right thing. This is nothing like a typical child. As he gets older and bigger...I would try to avoid him. Discipline or weekly therapy can't help him at this point. He needs something very intensive...maybe that can help, maybe not...
     
  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Do NOT leave him unsupervised with your child or your pets - ever. Tell them they have to leave - NOW!

    You can't legally lock up the kid, but you can lock up other rooms of your house so he can't get in there while you are sleeping. Like your bedroom, a room where the pets are, a room where your child is. Cabinets where matches are. Etc.

    You can also install an alarm on the boy's room so you know when he leaves his room. Do not leave him unsupervised!
     
  6. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    The constant nose bleeds are what scare me it might be a brain injury and those never get cured ever because those kind of neurons do not regenerate could be the part of the brain that deal with inhibitions.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I read most of your post and only scanned the others for lack of time, but I think what I am writing is consistent with the rest of the replies: I cannot envision any parent or family member equipped to handle behaviors that your brother is exhibiting which are extremely concerning.

    He should not be around any of you, let alone the baby. I would fear for your mother, if she attempts to live alone with him. If it were me, I would advise authorities, and advocate that he be placed in residential treatment immediately. That is his only chance. The behaviors he is engaging in can be markers for many psychiatric illnesses and his behavior if unchecked could become more violent and extreme.

    I would protect both your child and your husband and marriage. What marriage over time could survive the events and the stress that both of you together are experiencing. I understand why you have borne it so far. But your husband? That he does it for love of you and his child does not make it right and correct that he suffer this kind of repugnant and offensive behavior in his own home.

    I believe that the prognosis and the protection for your brother is not your responsibility. It is your mother's and the governmental institutions that may be responsible to find answers for him and to contain him, so he does not hurt other people. Where is your mother in all this?

    It sounds to me like you have taken on responsibility that is rightfully hers, and that either her ability to take responsibility or willingness to do so may be impaired.

    You are at risk, too. If any authority were to learn that your baby is living in this kind of environment, subject to this potential danger--your baby could be removed from your care. Is there really any assurance that your baby, will not be next to be subjected to his sexual experimentation or his cruelty? How much does a baby differ from a little animal to somebody who is indifferent to their feelings or welfare and may have an axe to grind, either towards the baby or the parents? I would not assume that I am safe, nor would I assume my baby was safe.

    It is not a question of if and how your brother is damaged--it is a question of how fast you can act to remove him from the environment of an innocent for whom you are responsible and who you love with all your heart.

    I am glad you reached out to us. I hope I am wrong and that I have overreacted. I fear I have not.

    I hope you keep posting. All of us have endured some form of what you are facing. We want to support you. Take care.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome concerned 1990. I have to agree with what the others are saying; he should not be living with you and never should be allowed around children or pets. I hope your mom finds a psychiatrist for him soon. He definitely needs to be seen right away.

    Sorry you needed to find us but glad you did. It was a huge comfort to me when I found this place and other people "got" it. Sending gentle hugs your way.
     
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