worst nightmare confirmed,every criminal has a mother

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jul 22, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    I heard a knocking on my wooden fence outside , it was early close to 6:00 am. I jumped out of bed and looked outside of my bedroom window...I.thought it was my 20yr.old.son but It was a woodpecker. Though just like my son who begged me last night to let him in the house I sincerely thought it was him. After my husband left for work I allowed him in only because he said he wanted to talk to.his step dad ( my.husband) .this was new my son never wanted to talk to him in.the past. hubby comes home frown as soon.as he.sees my son until my son says can we talk downstairs for a.minute? Turns out my son only wanted to say to him. " I.forgi've you " and.gives.him a hug. It was if anything an icebreaker for what will soon be needed in the near future.there were tears and prayers but when my husband left to go downstairs my.son gives me this hug and held me in his arms for for a good minute...then says " Mom this might be the last time you see me".I beg him to tell me what he is talking about but he.wouldn't say until just a few hours ago before leaving in his car after grabbing more clothes ( which.my husband said would be the last time he.enters our home) my son gets in his car and.tells me he's been driving this guy around knowing the guy is .breaking the law. apparently this "friend " of his has a pending lawsuit that is very serious. guy is looking at. Maybe 20 years in prison and is using my son for his car, . My son said he didn't want to drive this guy around anymore and.because my son didn't pick him up last night the guy is furious with my son. now my son is on the run from this guy. And I don't know what to do. And neither does my son. To make matters worse my son has the guys bag. My son says " Mom I.have nowhere to go " . So he is going to crash at his other friends house. I've.been texting my son letting him know that God.forbid anything seriously got hurt that he would be an asesery since he was the driver. So now.he.really wants nothing to-do.with the guy but what the heck is my son suppose to.do with the guys bag? it's got his phone in it too. My son drove off, I'm.freaking out. I felt the need to tell my husband but now I'm not sure if that was the greatest idea because it made him yell at me about my son. But I'm worried to death of this other guys bag. my husband suggests he just drive.by his house and toss it on his lawn since my son is scared of this guy's family.now to top things off my son now tells me he's snorted aderal in the past so I know now that no doubt he is using speed in addition to weed. I'm so sick and I'm angry so.angry. how could I not get my son help for the weed smoking in high school? wouldn't it of made a difference? Im crying and I started to have a seizure earlier. when my husband comes upstairs to cut in on me again I.told him I just can't take anymore stress and for him to pleasee just get.away from me. Tell me what I should suggest for my.Son to.do with this guys bag. Again forgive any errors in my thread I'm on my wonderful smart phone again.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, calm down. Please.

    My daughter never tried to get my sympathy by telling me the dangerous things she did when she used drugs, but the fact is, she had drug dealers after her. I heard the gory details after she quit, and it still makes me ill when I think about it.

    The drug life is dangerous. And the only thing your son can do to avoid these types of situations is to stop taking drugs. You do not know the real story going on here. Our drug abusing adult kids fudge things a lot. My daughter once went with some kooky drug abusers, of which she was one at the time, while they pulled off a robbery at a liquor store. The head idiot had a gun. My daughter was not charged, but I'm just glad she didn't share this with me because there would have been nothing I could have done.

    By then she was nineteen and close to being thrown out of the house because the cops kept visiting us and I had two younger kids who were terrified and it was ruining the health of the rest of us. Your son an go to rehab tonight. He will be safe there. He will not be any safer in your house nor can you defend him when he gets involved with dangerous people. And, like my daughter, he is choosing to hang around with them and get involved in their stuff. Your son sounds even more self-destructive than my daughter. He was the driver. Hon, if they break the law, they can go to jail and then prison. Will the judge send him there if he is caught? Maybe not. He is playing with fire, but you can't do anything to stop him. He didn't say the magic words, "I want help. Take me to rehab. I'm done using drugs." In fact, he admitted he snorts Adderrall, something my daughter says is very coveted on the streets. I hate ADHD drugs. The kids steal them from their siblings, crush them in pillcrushers, and snort them. They go for $10/pill on the street, my daughter told me. All ADHD drugs are used, but Adderrall is most liked. Her brother had Adderrall and it kept going missing. I didn't want to believe she was tasking it. She said she wasn't.

    Of course, after she quit I learned the truth. I was dumbfounded when my daughter told me this. Sometimes they do straight Adderrall, then need downers to go to sleep. Sometimes they use cocaine or something else along with it. The drug life is a nightmare that only they can stop. My daughter quit because she told me The Life was just too hard and she was sick of it and herself.

    What can you do? Nothing. Hope your son comes to his senses and goes to a rehab to REALLY get clean. He will come into contact with these thugs, and be one of them, until he stops. He never should have befriended such a person in the first place, but my daughter had friends or I should say "friends"that twisted my gut. The best thing that happaened to her was when we threw her out and she talked her brother from another state into letting her stay in his basement. Nobody knew where she was and, instead of befriending druggies in the new state, she quit.

    This journey is your son's. He knows you will support him if he goes to rehab and that will temporarily get him off the streets, but he isn't offering to do so.

    You need to take care of yourself. You have a little one who needs you sane and healthy. You in my opinion need to take care of YOU now and go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon and talk face-to-face with other parents who have gone through your horror and can give you coping skills. How in the world can you help your son fight a criminal? Your son was not being rational. Now, in my opinion, the best thing to do, out of no good options for his safety, is to turn the bag and it's contents into the police so at least they may look more favorably on him and perhaps they will arrest this guy and he'll be in jail and not on the streets? But they never turn one another in.

    I used to think my daughter would end up in prison or dead. Neither happened, but that was due to her. Only your son can make his life better. I wish there was a magic wand for all of us to fix our adult children who live a dangerous lifestyle. Honestly, I do. But all we can do is fix ourselves and learn to cope with having an adult child who is involved with drugs and criminals. It IS possible to do it. Your being sick over this will not help your son. Only he can help himself.

    Please, please, try Al-Anon meetings. Like COM says, go five or six times before you judge. They kept me sane and gave me the courage I needed.

    God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,
    the COURAGE to change the things I can,
    and the WISDOM to know the difference.

    I had a necklace with this prayer on it at one time and I touched it every time I felt weak in the knees over my daughter. Many, many hugs for your hurting and scared mommy help and we are all with you, holding your hand. We understand. We've been there. Keep in touch and try, just try, to do something for yourself and go to a meeting. I think Twelve Steps programs are especially helpful if you have a higher power in your life and you do. For now, think of God and talk to him and try to find some serenity in giving your son's welfare over to Him.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2014
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yes say the serenity prayer over and over, sometimes that is all I can do. You have no idea what the truth is here.....and it is scary but there is not much you can do. Tell your son you will help him do the right thing and get help....otherwise you cant do anything.


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  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Please get to an Al Anon meeting. Do not let his nightmare become yours. The umbilical cord was severed years ago. He is not you and you are not him.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with TL, you have no idea what the truth is. Your son didn't want to listen to you when he ws getting into trouble, he isn't going to now. What our addict difficult children put their families through is awful.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    To be honest......I would have told him to go straight to the police. Tell them he is willing to tell them anything they want to know and then testify against the guy if he gets off of any charges that could be against him. Then as soon as possible I would get him in rehab and out of the area so he is safe.

    I don't know how it would work out. I don't know if he knows enough to get a deal with the cops. I do know that doing nothing is probably not going to change anything.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Worried Mom, I am so sorry. I know how upsetting all of this is. It turns your world upside down and it seems like it is never-ending.

    I hope you have begun working your own program of recovery. Please get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can, either in person online.

    Please get out and read your books---Codependent No More, Al-Anon devotionals and any other materials you have started to collect.

    Then, write down all of your thoughts and feelings.

    Allow yourself to cry and grieve.

    Then, after some time has passed, and you are feeling stronger, go on about your daily life. Take care of your daughter, get some flowers for the kitchen table, say the Serenity Prayer over and over, take a nap and talk a walk.

    Your son is in the dark throes of his addiction and the scary, dangerous life he is choosing to lead. He will have to deal with the consequences, whatever they are. You can't do it for him and you can't save him.

    As I am sure you are discovering, the best place for him---after a treatment program----is jail. At least there he can't continue to break the law and take drugs, and there he is safe from others who live the life he does.

    Again, like we say over and over on this board: You must work on yourself, and little by little you will be able to let him go.

    We know it's so hard because we have been there done that. It's still hard.

    I wish you peace and contentment, joy and serenity. Hang in there.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Others have given great advice. I would have advised him to either go to the cops or a lawyer and give them the guys bag. Given his drug use, it is doubtful he would follow that or any other advice you give him. You cannot reason with an addict and until it is bad enough that your son realizes he needs rehab, that won't really help him. I don't think he is there. I think he just wanted you to be upset so that you will continue to help him.

    You have only one way to know your son is lying - when he is speaking. The odds that he has told you the whole truth rather than lies or lies and half truths is exactly 0%.

    What you can do about this situation is nothing, really. Yes, you worry, but you cannot fix it. You didn't cause it, cannot cure it and all the worrying only destroys your life, heart and health.

    You NEED to find your own alanon meetings for support. Your husband means well but is as unable to cope with all of this as you are. You cannot make him (husband) more able to cope, but you can insist he stop 'cutting at you'. That doesn't help you or him, and only hurts you both and your marriage.

    Please read the books suggested above, and find some help from alanon, naranon, and a therapist. Trust me, you need an expert to help you with this just as much as your son needs experts to help him with his addiction and legal problems.

    As for wondering if things would be different if you had gotten him help for the pot use in the past, that helps no one. Beating yourself up and asking "what if I??" only serves to keep you upset. Maya Angelou said it best when she said "you did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better you did better" (not exact quote, but close, might have been Iyanla Vanzant but I think it was Angelou, sorry if I got it wrong).

    My mom also said something that I think many of us need to hear: You never woke up and asked yourself, "How can I mess up my kid the most and worst today?", so stop beating yourself up and focus on the good things and the things you CAN do." I think that is likely one of the most profound things I have heard, even if it did come from my own mom. It sure applies to this situation.

    Your son's problems are HIS problems, not yours. You didn't put the drugs in his body, you didn't force him to do anything criminal. You would not attempt to perform surgery on any part of him, and you should not attempt to fix his addiction or his legal issues with this criminal situation. HE did those things, HE is an adult, and HE has to both figure out how to cope with those things and WANT to cope with them.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    by the way, this is a very good reason to stop helping him with the car and taking it away. No good comes from a drug user with wheels.He is probably driving a drug dealer around to make his deliveries. Why give him a car? For what reason?

  10. amelia d

    amelia d Hope outweighs experience

    Woriedmom..I am really new to this site,so not much help, but your story is really frightening. I feel for you. If you think that speaking with the police, an attorney or a victim advocate will help you gain a little control back-then do it. If you have information that could support an active case, they may be open to hearing you out and offering some options to your son. I wouldn't expect a whole lot, but at least you can feel like you did something. Good luck..I hope you get a happy ending.
  11. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thank you all for your posts of encouragement. I forgot to add that the day my son spoke to his step-dad, even gave my husband a hug...my husband did not return the hug. Sure ...he isn't use to hugs because when he was a boy he never got hugs...blah,blah,blah but I just thought it was pretty ignorant of him only to behave like a stick in the mud.This is what my husband had told my son before we got married in 2009. ( son was 17 at that time ). My son didn't tell me this until later on but regardless, it was said. Anywho...there is excuse for either one of their behaviors and I'm angry at the both of them. But at least I know who my true husband is...I have no idea who this drug addict is, he is not my son that's for sure.

    Yesterday my son came over for just a few minutes with an entirely different attitude...an angry one. He kept saying over and over to himself "if you don't like me now...wait till I marry your mom"...he must've repeated it about 5 times. I started telling him he needed to call his public defender etc. and he almost hit the wall hard with his fist but instead him himself. I know that had to hurt. He didn't curse at me but he cursed at himself. Was he high at this time?
    He's not the violent type when he is in his right mind. Those of you who know about different drugs ...what does this behavior say? My concern doesn't overtake me or anything, I just want to know. It's not alcohol or I'd smell it and he'd walk funny.

    I will have to ask him not to come inside if he ever wants to come in again. He is still on the run from this drug dealer and my son said the guy knows where our house is. Oh great...I gotta worry about this now? I'm already worried enough, but not as much as before.
    I've taken time for myself in the midst of all this commotion. I read more of the book, watched TV, colored with my 2 yr.old daughter. It's almost as if someone has died....you know you're all okay then all of a sudden you get a sting in your heart and start crying uncontrollably because you most of all miss the person.:brokenheart: I think what keeps me going the best is the Lord. I don't want a scolding again so I'll just leave it at that regarding where much of my comfort and peace comes from. :church:

    MWM, I pray my son gets his car taken away...in fact until his court date ( which has been postponed again) I hope the car dies. The car belongs solely to him. He is the owner, pays his own Insurance on it, is registered to him so there is nothing I can do.

    He has not come by today and I hope he doesn't.

    I have told him he needs help. But can any of you tell me if that's okay for me to tell him this ? or will it have a reverse affect? Sometimes people actually need to be told they have a problem. Sometimes it does help, I know it's up to the individual themselves I just want to know if pushes him even further to believe he doesn't need help.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is okay to tell him that he needs help but it will go in one ear and out the other. You will just make yourself feel better for having said it.

    One thing that came to my mind when reading your original post was wondering if it was even true. My difficult child used to tell us awful things that weren't true to try to manipulate us into letting her move back in with us.

    Or, it might be true. Who knows? But you aren't the one using drugs or hanging around drug dealers so this isn't your problem. Your son needs to fix this.

    He can do that by going to rehab and getting away from the area where you live. I suggest that he goes out of state and stays there for a long time. He needs to break off all contact with the people he is currently hanging out with and that won't happen while he lives in the area.

    I feel your terror as I read your posts and I completely understand. But you are so caught up in his drama and life choices that it is as if you are doing these things with him. You need to break away and establish firm boundaries between you and your son. You will not be able to do that without help of some kind. Others have made good suggestions about going to a 12-step support group like Al-Anon, NarAnon, or Families Anonymous. I found that going to a personal therapist was especially helpful for me.

    I also found the 3-C's very helpful: You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I would add a 4th C: You have to learn to cope with it.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    WM, my daughter is very sensitive and non-violent. But when she was drugs, and remember she used speed and meth (I thought it was pot...honestly, how dumb can I be?), she did put her hand through a window. I couldn't believe it. I had to call the ambulance. Again. They took her in. Again. She got verbally violent, threatened to kill herself, and put holes in our walls. She pulled a knife on herself. The cops came, as I called with a quivering voice asking for an ambulance, and put her in the back seat handcuffing her. I was mortified that they handcuffed her and she was screaming her lungs out at how much she hated me. This was not her before drugs. This was not my life, in any way, before I experienced a child on drugs. My goodness, hubby and I didn't even drink...had no alcohol in the house. We had no idea this was not due to only pot and maybe a mental illness (she is not mentally ill, but we thought she could be at the time).

    What could make your son violent? Lots of drugs. I couldn't tell you which. I don't know most drugs. Things like Spice were not around then. I just know what made my daughter violent...speed and a little cocaine thrown into the mix. But...does it really matter? There is nothing we can do to stop them, except cut out the enabling. I was so dumb about drugs that my daughter was thrown out almost as soon as I realized more than pot was going on and that was only because I walked in on a drug party and surprised her and saw all the pills. My two little ones saw as well and they were crying hysterically. With a houseful of drug users, husband called the cops...again....and my little ones went to sit in the car. That was her last night in our house and it was very dramatic full of screaming, name calling by her visitors, and fear.

    Then I finally knew the truth...it was not just pot. Pot doesn't make you violent.

    I do know that once she quit, she went back to being her old, sweet self who is not at all violent. So there is hope for all of our adult children who became violent only since their drug abuse began. Also, always remember, there is hope your adult child will quit. I never thought she would. I thought she'd end up dead or in prison. She quit on her own. No rehab. I wasn't there when she did it.

    But the short answer is, at the very least speed can cause violence.

    This is not about your husband, really. If he met him at seventeen, he didn't rarise him and has only seen him this way. If I am being honest, if I met somebody's seventeen year old and they acted like your son is, I would not be found of that teenager either. There were times I had trouble hugging my own child, let alone somebody else doing it. This is about your son and his journey, which I hope turns out well. A hug from your husband would not make your son change one iota.

    I offer my heartfelt empathy and many hugs and I do hope things calm down. It is common for druggies to get angry at one another and make threats, unfortunately. Usually nothing comes of it. My daughter did tell me that she had to get out of Wisconsin because she owed drug dealers money and they were threatening her, but she told me only AFTER she left Wisconsin or we would have sent her to Illinois sooner. It was her decision not to revive her drug life after she was gone. It doesn't work for all, but maybe a change of scenery could help your son regroup.
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  14. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Kathy, I want nothing better then to say this drug dealer that is after my son isn't true, but sadly I cannot. For the longest time I new absolutely nothing ...my son would not even give me a first name (and I still don't even have a first name ) .I found out by overhearing him talking about it with another one of his "friends", that is when he told me a portion of what is currently going on with him, even reached in the back seat and showed me a club that the guy was using on people. I freaked out but kept my calm to see if he would loosely give out any other information. Then without him knowing it when he opened his trunk I saw the guys bag and a phone I didn't recognize...that's when he says to me "Oh, looks like I have a new hat". My son doesn't realize how serious this is. He is nowhere as scared as I am,I think he was a little high when he told me all this.
    The next day when he came in the house like a raging bull he read all my messages to him and yelled at me "This is this why I can't tell you anything mom!". I don't think I'll ever get anymore information out of him. He doesn't plan on giving the guy any of his belongings or driving the nut around anymore. I asked him if this guy knows our house and he said "yes". If anything was being made up it would be that. Do I take a chance on this guy not knowing where our house is or has this become a threat to me also? We do have a good alarm system in house but I think they would be even more afraid of our American bulldog and would KILL to protect my 2 yr.old daughter. They are very protective dogs. Unless you show yourself friendly to a member of our family she will attack, but not before a growl that would make you run for your life. So...it gives me some relief, except of course they shoot her and our alarm is not set to alarm off. I'm of course thinking worse case scenario since most of what I do is just as my username...worry.
    Was this okay to tell my husband? My son will NEVER get back in the house now until he does go to a rehab.

    MWM, thank you SO much for sharing about your daughter and her anger on speed. Your first paragraph brought tears to my eyes. It helps tremendously to hear similar situations. It does not matter but now I know it's more than pot. The weed is what makes him either giggly or slow talking...mellow like. My son too when normal is as sweet as pumpkin pie and also a very funny kid,Joking all the time about TV shows, etc.
    I just loved him so much and still do ...but this maniac I can't stand, I do not know who this is.

    Now I am worried sick because I have not heard from him since he left, I did hand him a Bible before he left the house. He asked what it was for, I told him it's reading material for when he's in his car and can't sleep or to fight that devil.:warrior:
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  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your son should not ever go back into your house until he goes to rehab. I really doubt that your family is in danger from your son's drug using friends. But even if it is not, his behavior is causing damage to your family relationships.

    I will say it again. You are too wrapped up in this drama with your son. You can't fix this for him . . . he has to do it.

    Tell him that you love him but that you have to step away from the life he has chosen. Gather up information on rehabs and have that ready if your son asks for help. Otherwise, you need to concentrate on you and the rest of your family.

    Please, please, please go to one of the many 12-steps groups out there. Or start seeing a therapist. You have to learn how to set boundaries and stop being co-dependent with your son. I know what I am speaking about since I had to do the same thing.


  16. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thanks for the advice Kathy, I will try to find a local group, I do see they have N/A meetings within 30 minutes from my house...and now that my husband knows it's more than pot he will drive me.

    Oh I forgot to add...my son took the Bible with him because I told him there may be money inside of it. But I know there's something for him much more valuable then money.
    ( sorry I couldn't resist that last line)
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2014
  17. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Kathy, I just read about your difficult child ...are benzos considered methadone? I'm going to try to find a rehab for my son ( it would have to be in state for when he gets his probation ) but I don't want the Doctors to put him on any narcotics.
  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Benzodiazapine is not methadone. I don't know what they would put him on but most doctors dont go straight to the narcotic forms of treatment. They try lots of other things first.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, benzos are medications like valium, xanax, etc.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    His behavior sounds a lot like spice to me. Or any of those synthetic pot type things.

    Pot either makes you happy and giggly or sleepy and hungry. Or all of those at once.

    One of our former members did have drug dealers go to her house and they broke out the front windows. Where I live it is not unusual to hear about someone dying. Some get shot in their front yards. I dont live in a big city either. We are a very small rural area. I have to say that I do worry from time to time about things like this but I cant do a darned thing about it so I just put it out of my mind.