Worst thanksgiving ever!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DammitJanet, Nov 23, 2007.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Can we ever have a holiday that goes off without a meltdown? Please?

    I couldnt sleep the night before Thanksgiving because I tripped over the kidlet and knocked my knee into the bathtub and put a right nasty bruise on it and it was killing me. I had also been on my feet an exceptionally long time yesterday cleaning and washing clothes so the house would be halfway decent for cooking and such. I have to admit I have been extremely good at making sure all of tonys clothes have been kept washed lately. Oh...except for that one pair of pesky long john pants he decided to whine and scream about later Thanksgiving morning...but I digress.

    So anyways...I never slept and finally decided I would sneak on over to the Big Lots sale first thing Thanksgiving morning just to check it out. I was in and out before anyone was even up and brought Tony back a cup of coffee to boot! Wasnt that thoughtful?

    We get up...ok they get up and start working on seeing what is needed to get started for the meal. I finished washing up the few dishes someone used over the evening hours. My job never ends, I tell ya! Then I folded more clothes, did another load in the washer...yada yada. I come out from the laundry room and see Cory on the phone and its only 8:30 in the morning. I made one comment about how come he has to wake up and immediately put the phone to his ear? That he is burning up my minutes and to get the hell of it. Well that started him arguing about how I had an attitude and blah blah. I probably was a bit short with him.

    Set the tone let me tell ya.

    Next thing you know tony has finished what he can start for the meal for the immediate time being...and he starts in on Cory and how he always takes his things. Seems Tony cant lay his hands on his coat RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND and he starts blaming Cory. Now he already thinks Cory wore his cammo coat off somewhere and we dont know if he did or didnt. They both have them so it could be that Cory got confused and grabbed the wrong one. Not inconceivable. I dont think it was done with the malice aforethought that tony ascribes to it.

    Then Tony starts in on this black leather jacket that he also wears. Its not a good one but an old worn out one that he wears that he got at this cheap store but it keeps him warm. He starts screaming that Cory took this one too because he cant find it right NOW either. Now I was finding it very hard to believe that he has had two coats go missing and walking out of this house by Cory in 2 weeks...that is hard to believe. Cory isnt that stupid. Also, Tony wore that coat last saturday and it really hasnt been cold since then and Cory does have his own coat plus where has Cory been to need a coat? I mean he had that coat on his back on saturday, we know he was wearing it we think on sunday or monday...so it was only thursday...that isnt many days to go missing.

    So Cory is denying it, Tony is screaming how he just KNOWS that he is a liar, thief, yada yada, and Im sticking my two cents in saying that I know that this coat hasnt walked off...that he must have just stuck it someplace in the house or maybe he left it somewhere. Ohhhh NO...Im wrong, I shouldnt think, I cant think...Im tooo stupid to think, I dont know how to think...only HE knows how to think because he knows all and the little blanking thief is the one who took his coat just like he takes every damn thing...blah blah blah. Meanwhile this is all done at full volume, spittle coming out of his mouth, walls being kicked, him in my face...while he is holding the baby. I told him to put her down, and get the hell out of my house now...and I meant NOW! That I wasnt going to continue dealing with someone who was going to throw a fit that lasted the better part of an hour while he lambasted and argued and screamed at everyone and scared that baby to death. He got up in my face and told me to push him and he would kick the :censored2: out of me, I told him if he did it would be the last damn thing he ever did because I would bury his :censored2:. He is threatening to beat Cory to death, the boys are in the yard screaming at him to get away from me because the think he is going to hurt me while holding the baby...it was a nightmare. I got :censored2: off and tossed the collards that were cooking on the stove into the sink and he tried to throw me onto the stove but I managed to push myself past it and only got pushed into the fridge.

    Meanwhile...we hear Cory and Billy in the yard yelling for him to go into the yard...Cory was quite vocal in his wording considering what tony had called him. Billy had found tonys coat in my trunk. Obviously he had tossed the coat in my trunk on saturday nite when I had to go rescue him when his battery died. Like I said...he puts things places and cant remember and then blames everyone else for it. Did he say sorry? Of course not!

    Then he started in on his little hunting flashlight that he claims he had in there. Oh hell no...we all told him he had that the day the power went out and HE was the last one to have that when he was walking around with it.

    Oh but that isnt the worse. Suddenly he looks over...and his gun is gone! His prized 30 30 that Jamie gave him last Xmas. Now here is where I must tell you that I have begged him to put it in a safer place...sitting in a corner in plain sight of our front door and all who walk in is just asking for trouble considering we dont have door locks...but he wont listen. He blames US for not keeping a better watch on his gun! We should watch it at all times as if it was an infant. I have been as aware of it as I can be and twice when I have noticed it not where it should be I have called him and asked him where it was and he has told me. I guess that doesnt count for being on the ball. No...I am at fault for not being aware. He fell apart...screaming, crying...threatening to kill someone. Its none of his fault for not putting it in a safer place, for not have locks on our doors, for not having it chained up. Oh no. I called the cops. We know who had to have done this. One of the neighborhood punks is on a stealing spree and has done it to several other neighbors lately. He even came in and hit cory for pot a few months ago. One of the biggest signs that it is this punk is the guy rides around our house on a 4wheeler. If anyone else came in they would have taken the computers, tvs, etc. He couldnt carry them. He took the gun that had the strap to carry it.

    Biggest thing is that this gun is registered because it is a rifle and it is registered to Jamie. God forbid if it was used in a crime it would come back on him. Jamie had to register it in his name because he bought it as a gift for his dad. Dont ask me why that happened that way.

    We are going to call the pawn shop tomorrow where we bought the gun and get the serial numbers and call the detectives. This is a felony...actually two. Breaking and entering and stealing the gun. Problem is tony swears they will never do anything about it because it will probably never go to a real pawn shop. They will probably pass it around to drug dealers. Well maybe so for a short while but eventually someone may attempt to pawn it when they need money and boom...its in the system. Meanwhile Tony swears he is going to shoot Chris off that 4wheeler if he ever sees him again. At this point I dont doubt him.

    I dont know him anymore.

    I told him he was going to have another damn stroke and this one was going to kill him. He claims he is the only one not allowed to get mad and blah blah blah. I said you are allowed to get mad...but in case you havent noticed...when I throw a fit, it doesnt last for hours. I get mad, I yell for 2,3 maybe 5 minutes tops...and then I might hit something...and then Im in my room crying. I dont have rages that last for hours and hours.

    The baby was so upset she was crying and screaming and hiccuping. He wouldnt give her to me to take her out of the line of fire.

    Honestly Joy..I dont know how much more of this I can take. I told him to leave. He started to but then the gun thing happened...he was swearing at me over how I will never make it, how I will never make another car payment, never make another electric payment, how he will cut my phones off...yada yada. How he will have my trailer evicted off the land. I said...whatever...do it. It isnt a big loss to me.

    My therapist has told me before in the not too distant past that we were headed for a nervous breakdown...the two of us. I think we are there. He absolutely hates me. I dont know that I am far from feeling the same way about him. Blaming me for things that are completely out of my control is uncalled for. I didnt do this. He doesnt see it this way. If he wants me to watch his things, then he should not have made it so that I have to play taxi 10 hours a day. It was his idea and his rule that says it is my job to run everyone around all day. Certainly not mine.

    I didnt even eat yesterday. I took way too many klonopin at 11am and fell asleep and woke up at 6 then fixed a small sandwich and went back to bed after taking my night medications with a double dose of ambien. Was back asleep by 8. I couldnt see any reason to be awake with him around.
  2. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yesterday was almost boring for us but I have been where you are before and I guess I would pick boring! I am glad you called the police. You dont need to go through that or feel that you are responsible for anything that tony has done. Try to do something nice for yourself. Maybe ear plugs! :rudolph:I think this reindeer is cute!
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had such a bad day, and hope your knee is feeling better today. Your husband is behaving just like a difficult child. Worse than your difficult child. Next time he's having his meltdown, don't even talk to him. Take the baby, shut the door, and play with her. Later, go shopping-that always makes me feel better!(((HUGS)))(My 2 bff's both had similar Thanksgivings, ending in tears and unhappiness.) Do something nice for yourself today, you derserve it.-Alyssa
  4. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Oh Janet, what a nightmare. I hope your nerves have calmed down a bit.

    I don't have great advice, I just wanted to let you know I care.

  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Oh Janet. What a terrible day.

    First off - let me state the obvious. Your husband was abusive yesterday. It sounds like he is a ticking time bomb. I am scared for you. I am scared for your grand daughter. How often does he go off on you like this??

    More obvious? Your husband should not be leaving a gun out in plain sight with a baby crawling around. We are hunters - I believe in the right to bear arms - but it is dangerous to leave one leaned up against a door in your front room. And to make you and others assume responsibility for it is - well - just plain ridiculous.

    I am thankful that your boys didn't kick your husbands butt. I think my son would have gone to jail if my hubby ever threatened me like that. I'm thankful it didn't escalate beyond what it did.

    I just keep thinking if this is happening on a regular basis you need to be talking to someone who can help you recognize that your husbands behavior yesterday was absolutely abuse.

    I am so sorry. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.

    Please keep us updated and let us know how you are.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    What a nightmare. I'm so sorry your holiday was ruined. Sounds like you need to make some huge changes in YOUR life, if you are ever going to be happy.

    I would pack up and find myself a little place somewhere, all by myself, where nobody could find me :smile:
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am SO sorry for your day.

    Sending comforting hugs, and prayers for your future.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Ummm.......Janet? I think that not only are Cory and my difficult child are twins, but perhaps my difficult child and Tony? Seriously! Same sorta meltdown here - including Mat's dad driving over to try and intervene, and the two of them almost coming to blows. I ate a bologna sandwich and cried myself to sleep with wine, instead of Klonipin. Bad, bad, bad day for both of us.

    And, of course, it does not escape either of us how abusive these people are being to us. We have to somehow make the strong choices......and they need to not be able to verbally or physically abuse us, ever.

    Sending you all the prayers and hugs I can muster.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG! Janet what a nitemarish day! I'm so sorry the whole family was put thru all of that, especially lil Keyana.

    Some of it might simply be that this behavior is worsening with age. I know my husband's certainly is. We had a mini version of the same yesterday with husband missing part of his keys off his keychain, him throwing a hissy and threatening to throw both kids out, yadda yadda. (keys were in the front seat of my car right where they'd fallen off the keychain)

    Also, a stroke can alter a person's personality quite a bit. It can make them more aggressive, worsen other behaviors, as well as much milder things. Has this been happening since the stroke? Or gotten considerably worse since the stroke?

    I'm releaved the boys didn't do anything to make the situation any worse.

    I'm also worried about having a rifle around lil Keyana. I haven't a thing against guns, but maybe someone should consider getting your husband a gun cabinet for xmas so he can lock them up out of her reach.

    I know you love Tony, but you may be reaching the point where your safety and well being overrule any feelings you have for him. I'm worried for your, and the baby's, safety with this overthetop aggression and anger.

    I am so sorry sweetie. You most certainly don't need yet another difficult child added to the mix with even more drama.

    You can PM or email me anytime my friend.

  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I wish I had some great advice. All I can say is that I'm worried about you. Please, please keep yourself and the baby safe!!!

    Please update when you can and know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers... WFEN
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear.
    I hope you've gotten some sleep by now.
    I would not allow any guns in my house that are not locked up. Period. No discussion.
    Good point, Lisa, about how a stroke can alter a person's personality. Sounds like Tony is that type anyway but it's gotten worse.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He was never this way before the stroke. Never. Only problem is he doesnt see that he is behaving oddly at all. Its kind of like a mentally ill patient who believes that everyone around them are the ones who are weird.

    He only came close to hitting me one other time the entire time we have been together and that was when I hit him first with a full quart jar of water in the head. Even then he only slapped the wall above my head.

    I believe his decision making skills have been impacted. He used to keep his guns in the closet when our kids were growing up. Now they werent locked up but they werent out in the open either.

    Im really not sure what I can do. My mobile home is sitting on his land. I cant afford to move it and if I attempt to sell it, I will lose almost all the value of it because it has so many holes in the walls.

    I need to find a way to get him in to a doctor but that is going to be hard.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohh, so this IS all new stuff with-Tony.
    Yes, you do have to get him to a dr.
    Gosh, I wish I knew what to suggest. When you say that he doesn't see he's behaving oddly, it sounds like you've discussed it with-him. What if you tell him that you're very worried about him and you love him, and would he just go to the dr to humor you?
    Just a thought.
    Either way, no guns inside. That would scare the &#%^&@ out of me.
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to get him to help himself. Strokes really do some vicious things to people.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    If this is all post stroke it's probably due to brain damage to the part of the brain that controls this. So no, husband is not going to realize he is behaving out of character.

    But there are probably medications the doctor can give him to help. (I'd go to the neuro not a psychiatrist first)

    Could you use Keyana as leverage? I'm sure he is as concerned for her well being as you are, especially with as much as he loves her. Maybe have a sit down and calmly explain that these outburst are not only traumatizing her, but are potentially dangerous too. Then explain about what I said with strokes often changing behavior. (depends on what area of the brain the stroke occured) That while he doesn't see it, everyone else has and are very worried about him. If the boys could manage to sit and talk to him calmly, you might want to use them to back you up.

    Then if he's still resistant, ask him to do it as a favor to you. Cuz if this is an after effect of the stroke, and I'm pretty darn sure from what you've said that it is, he probably doesn't have control over the behavior. Which makes his aggression completely unpredictable. Not good.

    I mention the resistant part, and getting the family to calmly back you up because after my skull fracture I was so "out of it" that I wasn't acting at all like my normal self. Fortunately the brain damage didn't make me more aggressive. But it did change my character completely for about 2 yrs. easy child finally got brave enough to step up to the plate and sit down and talk to me about it. Honestly, I kid you not, I didn't have a clue. I thought I was fine except for problems with short term memory.

    I wasn't back to myself until the 3rd yr, and I find it utterly amazing when I look back at my behavior at that time.

    husband's brain damage may heal with time, that's hard to predict. But even if it does, with it being aggression it may rip the family apart before it does.

    Saying a prayer, and will keep praying you can get Tony into the neuro asap.

  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    In theory...I was correct. It was JUST another day. I think my life title would be called LOWERED Expectations.

    Sorry hun - Want to meet 1/2 way for a nice Denny's Christmas dinner and sit in a mall and make fun of the decorations?
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Janet. I've worried about those guns for the longest time because of Cory, and now because of Tony, too. If you can't get the guns removed from your home, can you at least get rid of the bullets?

  18. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Sorry about your worst t-day ever. Hoping you can move thru this and figure out how to help Tony with his actions/behaviors. Sounds like a check up is needed....thinking of you and keep the baby safe and out of the line of fire!
  19. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so sorry to hear about Tony's recent deterioration. I watched my mother-in-law change her personality drastically after her strokes. The only think is she GOT nicer. She was a holy terror before the stroke. Afterwards---just as sweet and kind. I, too, would suggest getting rid of the bullets. Hope the guns aren't loaded.
  20. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Maybe not frame it in reference to his behavior? Just suggest that an MRI be done to see if there is any permanent damage from the stroke? Just thinking it might go over better that way....

    I'm so sorry your day was so horrible.