Would this bother you?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Apr 14, 2007.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child is doing relatively well living on her own. She is working, paying her own bills, and is nice when we see her or talk to her on the phone.

    Sounds pretty good for a difficult child, right? Here is what is bothering me. She hasn't taken the final step to being a fully independent adult. Rather than pay her bills online or by check, she waits until the last minute and then asks husband to pay the bill online with one of our credit cards. Then she gives us the cash to pay us back.

    For example, her car insurance was due yesterday. husband reminded her that it was coming due a few days ago. difficult child said she knew and had it covered. Then, yesterday, she called and said she was a few dollars short which she would make that night a work. She asked husband to go ahead and pay the bill with our credit card and said that she would bring the money over that night which she did.

    husband seems to be happy that she is working and paying her own bills and doesn't seem to be bothered about paying it online for her as long as she pays us back. I don't like it since it means that she is still not planning ahead and taking care of her own bills without involving us.

    She also does it with her cell phone bill although she is better about that one since she can go pay it in person. Some months she pays it herself and other months she asks us to pay it online and then pays us back.

    So what do you all think? Should I just count my blessings here and let it go? Or try to get her to take care of these things on her own?

  2. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    My 24 yr old still has his mail sent here and has me pay his bills and he pays me. He doesn't even have a checking account. My husband thinks I should clamp down on him, but I personally don't mind doing this. He doesn't have many bills. I do hope that someday he will start doing this on his own. But I figure that he at least is paying them and he knows when they are due. To me it is no big deal, but that is me. Good luck
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would let this one go. Be glad she doesnt have a credit card she is charging to the max or checks she doesnt know how to cover. Better she pays cash to you and you pay it online.

    You could teach her the merits of a prepaid visa card if you wanted but that may be just more work.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Honestly? It would annoy the beegeebies out of me.

    easy child had trouble at first with bills. She's just now getting good at it. Her husband can't remember to pay them on time, so easy child does it.

    Maybe you guys could come up with a plan to wean her out of this behavior. Doesn't have to be right away. You could do it slowly.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    How many bills are you talking about, Kathy? Is it every month or on occasion? It sounds like it's *sometimes* her monthly phone bill and then a periodic (or monthly?) insurance bill. Any others, or does she manage to pay those herself?

    I'm sure it would annoy me but I would try to not let it bother me because she's doing so well in so many other ways. I'd let it go for the time being and maybe revisit it in 6 months.

  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #006600"> i would probably do it with-little fuss. if i were going to work on anything it would be having her ask before the bills are due with-a date she will pay you back.

    she's made a great deal of progress. she'll get this eventually.

    </span> </span> </span>
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I would be happy that she's making enough to pay the bills and pays you back like she said she would. Once she doesn't pay you back, then I would worry about it.

    My difficult child is terrible with money and bill paying. that is why I like the fact that the soberhouse requires him to pay them weekly. He gets paid every two weeks, so as soon as he gets paid he pays 2 weeks rent before anything else. Everything else is included in his rent, so he doesn't have to worry about u.i., etc. I think most of it has to do with organizational skills. I have tried to teach him how to budget. I have figured out how much his bills are a month and told him how much he needs to save every week to have that money at the end of the month when the bills come in. He just doesn't do it. For now I'm just so happy that he's clean, working full time and has the money to pay his bills, so how he pays them has taken a back burner in my concerns for him.

    Maybe you could try the budget thing with her and see if that would help her knowing exactly what she has to put aside every week and then have her come over and pay the bills online so she learns the process.
  8. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    The one nice thing is, you know she IS paying her bills. In a manner of speaking, of course.

    I always leave mine to the last minute, too. I figure they give me a due date for a reason, why should I let them have my $ any sooner?! :cool:

    Any possibility she could get her own internet connection? And pay her bills online by her own self?

    Any bills I can pay online, I do. Especially with postage going up soon.

    So there you have it! Now you all know this about me! :redface:

  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think I am with Janet on this one. Let it go. If you think it might help, you might want to help her set up "online bill pay". I do this, but I never have anything automatically deducted, I just set the bills aside, and the day before payday, I pay them all. What's left is what I have. Of course, in my age and income bracket, we have more "leftover" to work with than your difficult child may, but it works for us.

    I am very careful to not do this sooner than the day before payday (which is direct deposit), because they will take money out up to five days early, but won't take money out at least until the day after you tell them to.
  10. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I rarely write checks for anything anymore. I either have everything automatically paid / deducted, or I pay online.

    I really like the automatic deduction, don't have to think about it at all. For things like house payments, car loans, etc. that MUST be paid, it's great. NF has his car insurance as automatic deduction, too.

    I also try to have all of the payments due about 5 days after my check is deposited - no time to spend what I need to have.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Some things I have taken out automatically like my car insurance and some extra life insurance I have - things where the amount stays the same all the time. Others, like utility bills, I still pay online but I want to look at them first in case there's a mistake. If they're OK, I pay them online - deducted from my checking account, but not automatically. That scares me. I still remember the "adventure" I had two years ago when the City had put in a new (faulty) water meter, then billed me for an absolutely obscene amount of water - :highvoltage: - more than I would ever have used in a whole year, and insisted that it was right! Had I had that one deducted automatically, it would have taken my whole paycheck!

    Kathy, I agree with you. It's good that she is at least paying her bills, but I would discourage her from making this a regular practice. What she's doing is using the "bank of mom and dad" to give her a few more days on her bills. You pay it for her on time and then she repays you later when she gets the money. In the Real World, it doesn't work that way. Most adults don't have anybody kind enough to pay their bills for them and then let them repay when they can. If I didn't pay my bills on time, I'd be coming home to a cold, dark house and a phone that didn't work anymore! Paying bills on time takes planning and foresight, sometimes a little juggling. And sometimes you have to sacrifice and bite the bullet, forego what you want to pay for what you need (like a place to live and electricity!) and she's not learning that if she's bailed out. This gives her an "out" and allows her to slide a little and it doesn't work that way!
  12. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    What about allowing her to continue having husband pay the bills that need to be paid online, such as insurance, but having her pay her utility bills either at the utility office or at a bill pay location. Our utilities (water, elec, gas) can be paid all over the places from 7-11 type places to Ace Hardware.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for all the replies and suggestions.

    To answer some of the questions:

    1) difficult child has a computer and online access. She could pay the car insurance bill online. The problem is that she is usually short the money in her bank account on the day the payment is due. She works on a cash basis delivering pizza and usually plans on making the last cash she needs to pay the bill the day the bill is due. It is too late to deposit it in the bank and pay online. So she wants us to pay the bill with one of our credit cards and then brings us the money that night after she makes it it tips and pay.

    2) She is paying her rent and utilities herself (although she did bounce a check last month for the rent ~ luckily the bank covered it for her and just charged her a $25 fee). The cell phone is mostly paid by her with an occasional request for us to cover it and then for her to pay us back the same day.

    3) The car insurance is the only bill that seems to be a monthly problem.

    So I guess it really is a organizational and planning kind of problem. She can't seem to budget and put away the money in time to pay the bill online herself. I don't know if it is truly that she doesn't have the money until the last minute or that she just spends recklessly and finds herself without the money at the last minute.

    husband has suggested giving us some money each week and we would hold it for her but she didn't like that idea. So each month we get a last minute request to pay the insurance for her. She is good about bringing us the money that same night.

    She did mention that she has a possiblity of getting an office job from 9 - 3 that one of her friends is leaving. She said she would do that and still deliver pizza at night. I think she is getting tired of living week to week with no extra money at all.

    So I guess for now I'll let this go and see if she gets the other job. Maybe it would be easier then to pay the bills online without involving us.

    Thanks again for your thoughts.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is doing so well...I wouldnt sweat this stuff. She is still young and she is not forgetting to pay you back. She is paying the bills.

    Give her a bit of credit...lol.

    Maybe just look forward to the nites she comes over to make her bill payments. LOL.
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    While I would talk to difficult child about needing to put her financial affairs in order so that she does not have to depend on you or anyone else, I would continue to let things go on as they are.

    She IS doing so well, isn't she? :smile:

    (I'm glad to hear she is gettng tired of delivering pizza for a living ~ that must be about scaring you to death!!!)

    Here's to hoping "our" little difficult child takes that day job, and uses her evenings to take a class or two.


  16. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    kathy I would let it go as well.
  17. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member


    We pay our difficult child's bills out of her $$ from her school loans that is designated for living expenses. She messed up so bad while on drugs that she can't get a bank account anymore alone until she improves her credit, etc., so she and husband have a savings acct in a local credit union. She mails us her bills from TX (4 total) and we take the $$ out of her account. It is nuisance to some degree, but we are so glad she is back in school and seemingly doing well that we can live with it for now. I would say at this time to just go with it; to me, in the whole scheme of what their lives were in the past, this is minor. I am glad to hear that she is doing better!!
  18. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Kathy, baby steps. A gradual encouragement to have husband wean himself of paying her bills would force difficult child to pay them for herself. Maybe husband can tell her he is too busy with his new job or traveling.

    I wouldn't sweat it. My difficult child is very good about rent and utilities which are paid at the apt. complex but is a little more spacey about a few of the others.
    He is uncomfortable doing on line banking. I do his on line bill paying. Eventually, he will have to do this with supervision.
    I doubt my difficult child will ever plan too far in advance.

    Enjoy her success and keep encouraging little steps forward.
  19. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Kathy, Melissa refuses to have direct deposit because she likes to receive an actual paycheck. She does not want to open a savings or checking account, so I have to cash her checks for her. She has 3 credit card bills due each month. She gives me the money, and I write out the checks. She always waits 'til about 5 days before the bill is due to have me send the money. In my daughter's case, I think she is just being lazy in not wanting to open her own account and handle her own checking and bill paying. Don't know your daughter's reasons.

    I am doing it for now but am trying to encourage her to open her own checking account and pay her own bills. At the moment, it is not one of those things I feel like fighting over. I think you can let it slide for awhile with your daughter, too.

  20. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    i like what dammit janet said.
    Truth is I can think of LOTS of much older persons, not even difficult children who do not seem to do this well, truthfully. Celebrate she is doing this well........