Would this bother you?

[rdland]

At 7:30 tonight we got a knock at our door. It turned out to be a boy who goes to the same php as my difficult child is in right now and he knew where we live because he is from our school district and they ride the bus together. (along with several kids) His dad was standing on our street. As soon as I opened the door this boy tried to push his way into the house and called for dad to come in with him. I stopped him and he then told me who he was and he was there to play with my difficult child. I told him that was not possible as difficult child was grounded. (he threw a heavy book at me this am and it landed on my foot making a huge bruise on my foot. I told him we would talk to difficult child and we could set up a time for them to play. I did ask difficult child to come out and say hi but he got all shy on me and would not come out.

So I am annoyed that 1) they show up here at 7:30 on a school night when he has to be on the bus at 7:15. and 2) they showed up unannounced, uninvited and we had no clue who this boy even was. I did ask difficult child if he knew this boy was coming or if he invited him and he said no. Would this have bothered you? I could never imagine showing up like that at a house where the parents have never met the child before.

 

[BusynMember]

would this annoy me?

YES!!!!! Seriously, that was rude.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Wow!! That would have totally freaked me out. At difficult child's program if two or more kids were from the same school they tried to keep them in seperate groups. And they have a no contact rule. At least during the program. I am guessing that your difficult child is done with PHP? I am not sure I would be encouraging the playdate. I just looked at your Sig. I had no idea your difficult child was only 6. At 7:30 they should be settling down for the night not beginning "play time". What was that dad thinking?

 

[Bunny]

Would this have bothered me? ABSOLUTELY!! First of all, they came over at 7:30 on a school night. That's a big no no for me. Second, the kid tried to push his way past you when you answered the door and the father was okay with that? Another big no no for me. I realize that I'm not mom of the year material, but I wouldn't let my kids go somewhere like that until I had spoken to the mom (or dad) and knew that it was alright.

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes.
Did you talk to the dad, since he was standing there? Did you exchange phone numbers and explain that it was a school night?
I would have also talked to the boy, and said "It's generally accepted that after you knock or ring the bell, you stand outside and wait until you have been invited in."
Obviously, his parents are not teaching him much, and he is leading them around by rings in their noses.
He's got issues that sound a bit like Asperger's (not understanding social norms, personal space, etc) and seems to need a lot of help.
Sheesh.

 

[DDD]

Absolutely! I can't help but wonder if his Dad was misguidingly hoping for a break from his difficult child's volatility and agreed in hopes of peace. No matter how this contact was initiated I would be cautious with your family and keep the doors locked. I'm not sure what I would do if there was a repeat visit but I know I wouldn't let it turn into a problem in my home. You handled it well. Hugs DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

That was just strange. I cant imagine allowing a 6 year old to go traipsing around to another kids house at 7pm on a school night and then push their way in to the house with the parent standing there.

 

[lovelyboy]

I would explain our house rules to him and the dad and asked to make a date before hand!
Yes, I would be upset....not that much with the kid but with the dad.....
Very strange indeed!

 

[susiestar]

It would upset me greatly. There are people in our area who use their kids for drug trafficking and other illegal activities. I would be afraid it was a push-in robbery as in one of the big cities near us there were some parents in a family who would go aroudn with their little kids and have kids ring doorbells and say they were out walking or at a park and could they use the bathroom, or just had the kid try to push in like that. Then the parents either pushed in and robbed them or called and reported kidnapping or child molestation. It was UGLY because the people in the houses had a little kid at the door just try to rush in. One of the cops who helped iwth Wiz is a guy I went to school with and he reported that they had some reports that part of the famly who did that had moved here, so we should keep doors locked.

I would probably have told the dad that having his kid push into MY house would result in a 911 call.

Of course I also ahve a husband who years ago told Wiz it was fine to go to a friend's house. He did not know the friend, thought Wiz or I had set it up (Wiz told him that) and did NOT know that Wiz had to cross several small streets and some MAJOR ones to get there. He let Wiz leave at 6 pm on a school night in winter when it was getting dark. I was at work and got a call that husband needed the phone number for this friend because Wiz was supposed to call when he got there. husband didn't know the poeple's LAST NAME even. He just figured it was okay because when husband was 3 he took his sister for a 2 mile walk (she was 18 mos) when they were supposed to be napping and they were "fine" and got a ride on a fire truck home. He honestly did not even think twice. I managed to get in contact with someone who knew the little boy and where he lived. Wiz was about ten blocks in a totally other direction when we found him.

husband was not allowed to give the kids permission for ANYTHING with-o filling out a form that I made iwth an address, phone number, parent's name, time he contacted them to see if it was okay and a LOT of other stuff. He was REALLY difficult because he didn't see anything wrong until I pointed out that the area we found Wiz in had had several SWAT raids of drug dealers in the last month and that in the six weeks before he allowed this to happen their were over TEN articles about different small kids being sexually assaulted in restrooms, etc..... in public places with in two miles of our apartment.

In a LOT of ways husband was harder to raise than Wiz was. Sigh.

 

[Malika]

Oh dear... It's the kind of thing my son could just suddenly decide he was going to do, despite my entreaties, and run away from me and ring on the door saying that he wanted to play. I would be right behind trying to stop him and apologising to the house owner but... I kind of know how it happens.

 

[forkeeps251]

Ok, first of all I have to say that yes, that would bother me. Sometimes I just don't feel like having company! But more so in the way it was executed, because it just seems pushy and inappropriate. But if this kid has problems, that may be part of it.

Reading all these responses though, I'm wondering now if I'm committing a breech of etiquette. I have an older son who I allow to go out, on our street. We live in a suburban area and there are many, many kids on our street that go to his school. Frequently a lot of them are playing in one anothers yards after school or on the weekend. So far, I've allowed him to go to one of his friends house and knock on the door and ask if the kid can come out and play (ride bikes or play in the front yard). Of course, I only let him do this during appropriate hours (and 7:30 is not!), and I sure hope he knows better than to just walk right in. We always know where he is and he also takes a spare (cheap) phone with him, even if it is just a few doors down. I limit the number of times he can do that too... once a week at most (per friend), although I'm sure he would be doing that every day if I let him. Sometimes, other kids come to our house too, although not that much. The rules pretty much are that I go get my son, and he can go out and visit with his friends but he has to ask me if they can come in. I think this seems to be the general rule in our neighborhood, but now I'm wondering if other parents are getting mad at me for letting him do that!

 

[rdland]

Thanks everyone! I needed to know I was not over reacting. I don't even know how old this child is!! I know his first name and that is it. He seemed close to my difficult child age but my difficult child does not know how old he is either. Once I said he could not come in the dad stayed on the street. The whole thing was just odd. He is obviously a difficult child and the interaction I had I am guessing he has aspergers but I am sure more too. Our school district buses the kids to this php so that is how this boy knew where we live. They have a little bus that comes right to our house and carries all kids in our sd including the older kids too. My difficult child is still attending php and probably continue for a couple more weeks so I hope this does not become a habit with this boy. I told him and the dad we could set something up for another day but I did not get a phone number. All I know is the boys first name. I just wanted them to leave ASAP and did not ask for a number. Luckily husband was home too.

 

[rdland]

Ok, first of all I have to say that yes, that would bother me. Sometimes I just don't feel like having company! But more so in the way it was executed, because it just seems pushy and inappropriate. But if this kid has problems, that may be part of it.

Reading all these responses though, I'm wondering now if I'm committing a breech of etiquette. I have an older son who I allow to go out, on our street. We live in a suburban area and there are many, many kids on our street that go to his school. Frequently a lot of them are playing in one anothers yards after school or on the weekend. So far, I've allowed him to go to one of his friends house and knock on the door and ask if the kid can come out and play (ride bikes or play in the front yard). Of course, I only let him do this during appropriate hours (and 7:30 is not!), and I sure hope he knows better than to just walk right in. We always know where he is and he also takes a spare (cheap) phone with him, even if it is just a few doors down. I limit the number of times he can do that too... once a week at most (per friend), although I'm sure he would be doing that every day if I let him. Sometimes, other kids come to our house too, although not that much. The rules pretty much are that I go get my son, and he can go out and visit with his friends but he has to ask me if they can come in. I think this seems to be the general rule in our neighborhood, but now I'm wondering if other parents are getting mad at me for letting him do that!

No, that is fine! For me it was the time and that we have never met this kid and he just showed up. What your easy child does sounds fine to me.

 

[susiestar]

Forkeeps - you are NOT doing anything wrong. What your son is doing is DIFFERENT than the boy who tried to push into rdland's house in many ways. You KNOW these kids and their families and everyone in the neighborhood does the same thing. That makes it NORMAL for your area.

Rdland, please let the psychiatric hospital running the php program know about this. Most of them make a point of not letting the kids see each other outside the therapeutic setting. LOTS of emotions and problems get dredged up in therapy and seeing other kids hwo were there when you went through that can have a bad result if you think the person is teasing you. It is just a volatile situation that could get bad fast. Someone in the program needs to tell the man that it was not appropriate.

Malika, your situation is also different than rdlands. You are there telling J to stop and teaching a better way. This man was not doing ANY of what you are doing. THAT is a HUGE difference, in my opinion.

 

[buddy]

yeah, I agree with all the others... not so weird that a kid with issues would screw up how to go ask a friend to play. It is weird that the dad would allow that but who knows if the kid said, dad he said I could come over, yes his mom told me it was ok... whatever but for the dad not to come and introduce himself and explain and show the son how to behave, that is all strange..... but explainable if dad is a difficult child too (genetics and all). At least the dad was there.... uggg

The bigger issue is if at this time with them being in php so recently together... I think that goes against most rules of programs like that. I get that they might end up friends in the long run, if they connect and have some bonding over this.... but since boundaries are such a huge issue with difficult child's they usually have pretty strict ones. We were not even allowed to connect with other parents other than small talk and stuff of course.

Yeah, if it was me, I'd check with the php staff too to ask what their opinion is and for advice. They may not be able to share much but can offer advice in a more general way. And of course they will then know there is an issue and they can talk to the other family about the problem too...