Would you give difficult child a photo?

klmno

Active Member
difficult child was given basic info - like name, location, age, description of what he looked like, etc, over time as he asked per the psychiatric's suggestion. I don't know what you mean by giving him the man. I've been told by all the profs that difficult child has a right to know things about his father and I agree with that. difficult child spent from 11yo to 14 yo being very hurt about it all and blaming himself, in spite of me trying to console him and explain otherwise, so it's just been this past year that he has shown anger and that has surfaced as he has started holding his father accountable in his own mind instead of blaming himself for it all (difficult child thought his father "rejected him because something was wrong with him or he was bad"), so I do think it's a healthy sign, as long as he works thru it and is able to move on to the acceptance stage. He spent 3 years in the first phase so this might not move too quickly, but I don't stew on it with him when he brings the subject up and try to help him move past it. I've asked his current therapist to try to help but again, she says she can't help him if he's not ready to deal with it. difficult child tells me it's too painful to discuss with a therapist. I think his insight into it being more painful than anything will help him move thru the stages so it doesn't ruin his life- if he can stay out of legal trouble.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I agree. I always felt if they were big enough to ask the question, they were big enough to get an answer.

I guess what I mean is, right now, even tho he has some specifics, he has an image in his mind of some man, some where. There's nothing tangible.

Giving him a picture, I guess, makes it go from "somewhere out there" to "right here". Instead of it being some man, now it becomes this man . And he has a target for that anger. I can just see it making that person more real to him, more concrete in his mind.
 

klmno

Active Member
I beleive my difficult child qualifies for some state aid, but if I apply for it, I have to agree to cooperate with them to go after bio for CS unless I can prove it would be in wee difficult child's best interest to leave it alone. Until I have the custody changed, I'm not applying for the aid...I don't want to take that chance.

That was the general consensus in my son's case to- until a couple of years ago. Then a psychiatrist, the judge, and myself seemed to conclude individually but in agreement, that maybe at this stage in difficult child's life, it might do him good to approach things differently. I'm not hiring a detective or showing up at the man's doorstep or giving difficult child his address or anything.
 

klmno

Active Member
Giving him a picture, I guess, makes it go from "somewhere out there" to "right here". Instead of it being some man, now it becomes this man . And he has a target for that anger. I can just see it making that person more real to him, more concrete in his mind.

That could be. Again, I'll put the photo in with the written stuff in a sealed envelope for some point later in his life. I have to tell you though- his father is listed on his "accepted visitors" list at Department of Juvenile Justice. I have no idea how it got there- apparently it is automatice because dss is going after him. No one is on that list except me and him. I doubt he knows or cares but if he showed up, he could visit difficult child, call him, or write him. Also, once dss got involved and I asked difficult child how involved in this he wanted me to get, I also brought it up to him because if they actuually get their hands on his father, the first thing they will be doing is a swab for dna- on both the father and difficult child. (I said blood test before but they actually do swabs now.) I didn't know how long this process might take so I told difficult child so he wouldn't get shocked if someone showed up telling him this and getting a dna test from him. I thought it was better for him to hear it from me- and the people in Department of Juvenile Justice tell difficult child everything- even a lot more than I do.
 
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DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I honestly cant understand parents who run away from their own flesh and blood. Just cant. Even though I couldnt stand my ex I never kept my son away from him. It was his choice to stay uninvolved. He always knew where we were. I figured it was his loss.

Over the years when Tony and I would sometimes have bad times...and there were bad times...we always stayed together because we could not deprive the kids of two parents. We always kept a united front and faked it until we made it for the kids. They were the most important things to us. I think that is why their kids are so important to them.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
You've had a tough roe to hoe, K, and only you know what's best for your difficult child in this situation. Having been in something similar, all I can offer is what we thought was best in ours as food for thought.

Hugs. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I'm with you, Janet. I don't understand how dex and difficult child 1's bio mom can live with themselves, just a few miles away, and a million miles away from their wonderful children.

When DEX first left, I tried to help him be a father to the kids, but it didn't work any better than it had when he lived here, and he has made his own choice. I'd be glad to have the support now if it was actually him that had made the changes and was interested in his kid's life, but its just his whack job girlfriend that's interested. Wee difficult child still goes to paternal grandma's and now that dex is unemployed, he still doesn't bother to go there to see him...

And I will do everything in my power to keep him from getting involved on false pretenses...because once the girlfriend is gone? He will be, too. And difficult child doesn't need that.
 

klmno

Active Member
I think it probably has made a difference in your all's kids' lives that they have had a father figure. And, the situation is a little different if the bio-father is close by. difficult child's father is out of state and although, I know I could get to him in 6 hours, to difficult child he is still "far away" and inaccessible. difficult child knows the general area but is still young enough to view it as "far away" because we don't visit that area.

I do think difficult child had a point though when he told me earlier this year that if he had to "do his time" for his illegal activity and teen boys in Department of Juvenile Justice had to own up to their kids, then his father should be held accountable and not get to walk away, too. He wasn't saying he would do something to his father- he was saying this when telling me he wanted me to do whatever I could to help dss find him- so dsss and the legal authorities could hold him accountable. I told him they might not be able to get to him- I just wasn't sure. That's when he told me if they didn't, he would look for him when he became an adult and get the CS from him and give it to me. LOL! Really, he wasn't threatening to kill him or anything- I was glad to see him realizing that the reflection is on his father, not on himsellf.
 
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klmno

Active Member
I honestly cant understand parents who run away from their own flesh and blood.

The big thorn in my side was that it appeared that he intentionally TRIED to make me pregnant (I won't go into the details), then acted so cocky in shrugging it off and being sure that no one would ever be able to hold him accountable. It's not so much that he did something to me, not to mention that he should have been contributing to the cost, but to be so nonchalant and uncaring about a child's life, musch less your OWN child's life, is very antagonisitc to me. It was a ""ha ha- you can't catch me" sort of attitude- both regarding his first child and toward me/difficult child. It does leave a person wishing someone would throw his rear in jail. LOL! Especially when after I was pregnant, he told me if I wanted difficult child to have a father, I had to give him the money to pay off the CS he owed on his first child. That didn't happen, so he walked. Jerk.

Those are a couple of the details that difficult child does NOT know.

ETA: Just to make sure this is clear- I would not try and do not want any kind of personal relationship with this man myself- I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to have something with him. That thought/desire ended when I found out he owed all that CS and was in legal trouble- years ago.
 
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Shari

IsItFridayYet?
When I got pregnant with wee, DEX and I weren't in a good place. I had known for some time that he wasn't a father and I stuck it out for difficult child 1; I wouldn't leave him with 2 parents who couldn't care less. So, anyway, I knew things wouldn't be better with another child, and I wasn't exactly happy about it.

DEX knew that and thought I was going to have the pregnancy terminated. He actually tried to get a court order to force me to have the baby!

It seems almost laughable, now.

So, Superdad...Where are ya now???

Oh, that's right. 2 miles down the road. I forgot.
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
If he's not asking about his father, I wouldn't offer any information about him. If he asks, I would give him the most basic answers possible and I wouldn't expound upon anything.
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
I think it probably has made a difference in your all's kids' lives that they have had a father figure.

Sometimes that difference is a "bad" difference. Some dads are just creeps - like your difficult child's sperm donor - and the less that the difficult child's have to do with them and know about them, the better.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
You and your son have so many issues already on your plate that I can't see any benefit from sharing info about bioDad. As you have said, difficult child is getting increasingly nervous as the issues of his future are up in the air.
Five years from now it might be worth reconsidering but in 2009 his Mom is his lifeline. You posted that he is stressed to the max worrying about what may or may not happen in the next few months. He has no control over where he lives, where he will go to school, who (if anyone) he will have to report to. That's a big bucket of worms for any young teen.

From personal experience I believe my difficult child (the younger boy) is far better off not knowing his bioDad at all compared to easy child/difficult child who had contact for a few years and subsequently ended up heartbroken when he moved away.
It is my sincere belief that easy child/difficult child ended up with substance abuse issues and turning to the wrong path due to the rejection. Taking a chance of kindling thoughts of "what if" is not worth the risk. DDD
 

klmno

Active Member
Well- there is no fantasy here that this would turn into any kind of relationship- much less a good one. I think difficult child knows that, too. It's not an effort to try to get them together.

I was just looking at it like this- difficult child has aksed several times in the past what his father looked like and why didn't I at least have a photo. If I had no idea what my mother looked like I would be curious too, especially if I was a budding teen. With some people it could make them feel worse to know- others might feel better. Again, I'll just stick it back for some point in the future since I can see that this could go either way.
 
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witzend

Well-Known Member
I think setting this aside for now is a good idea. You have a lot on your plate, and it's probably best if you give the more pressing and immediate issues your attention, rather than letting something to do with sperm donor get into the mix.
 

klmno

Active Member
True- I think difficult child's more recent curiosity has been more along the lines of wondering how tall he could expect to get and other male identity things like that. (you know- if you were a developing girl, you'd be curious to know if your bio-mom was built a certain way, what color of hair did she have, and stuff like that.) When he was younger it was probably more the famtasy of getting to know him someday. But he does have enough on his shoulders right now and he has already been prepared if they were to walk in one day and tell him DSS found his father, they need a swab for paternity.
 
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K

Kjs

Guest
I wouldn't offer anything either.
Let him ask.
Something my easy child said to me that broke my heart. His father only saw him until he was about 6 months old. He was too busy partying. I met husband when easy child was 3. Anyway about 5 years ago easy child said to me..."It really hurts everyday to think that someone out there didn't WANT me".

I think of that all the time. I never wanted to hurt him. I didn't bring him to see his dad. I thought his dad would realize that easy child is more important than the parties. That didn't happen.

I would let him ask you.
 
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