Would You Have Visits?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jeppy, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    difficult child is now two weeks into a stay at a diagnostic center. First weekend he had visit with me for 2 hours mostly trying to negotiate getting out of there which I did not agree to, but he did ask in a polite way. He also saw grandparents and stormed out after 1/2 hour when they would not agree that he could live with them.

    He complained then and throughout the week of no offsite visits. This weekend I saw him - left after a 1/2 hour as he was very sullen, only speaking on monosyllables when he did speak, and obviously not wanting a visit with me. Grandparents did agree to an offsite visit but when they would not take him to my house (as I don't feel he is ready for visits here yet) he would not interact with them but lay down at their house and took a nap.

    At what point would you stop putting forth the effort to have visits given his nonresponsiveness and/or how long would you keep trying to connect with him?

    I call him by phone daily but he is monosyllabic and sullen then too.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I don't have an answer for you on this one -- but I know others are here who have been there done that and will hopefully offer their advice and experience in your situation. I'm sorry he's being such a butt-head -- it's very disheartening and frustrating when you are met with so much resistance and negativity. I've got a difficult child who would likely behave the exact same way in similar circumstances.

    Is he on any medications right now? And how long do they anticipate him staying there?

    He sounds like he might be depressed.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What does his therapist say? What are the rules as far as visiting at this facility?

    When mine was in out of home placement the rules varied so I can kind of vary my response based on several circumstances.

    If I was allowed to make the call, then I would place a set format for visiting. A "do to get" if you will. I would imagine he is on some sort of behavior management plan or level system where he is. Or you can tell what sort of week he is having by his phone calls...or you can speak to personnel at this facility. If he is behaving well, cooperating with staff and such on, then I would allow visits but cut them short if he acts up. If he is being a pain on the phone and being uncooperative during the week, then I would not visit. Say you will hope that next week will be better so he can visit. I would hope that Gparents will back you up on this.

    Just my two cents.
  4. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    therapist said I should not be in the car alone with him so I am only seeing him onsite. If/when he is on medication that could change but he has not met with psychiatrist yet. He is in the program for a month and a half. Because I placed him there voluntarily staff always say it is up to me what visits he has. He behaves very well for the staff there - his resentment is primarily towards me for placing him there and secondarily towards his grandparents when they don't enable him to work around my expectations.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Between my tweedles we've had 8 Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements. husband & I never had visits for the first month; that was for us. We needed to reconnect, find a place of calm & recreate a life with-o the chaos my little wonders seemed to have loved.

    That also gave Residential Treatment Center (RTC) time to teach kt or wm better social skills; a way to try to repair our damaged relationships. No matter what, even with the illness/disorders the behaviors our difficult children bring into our lives damage our relationships with each other, between our spouses, family & tends to isolates us.

    Once I began to visit the minute kt or wm started the bargaining & manipulation to come home I left the building. Period. I spoke with tdocs about this & the staff at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) always backed me up. Additionally, during our first month or two of visits, it was always on site & in the presence of staff.

    Take the time to heal, gain your strength & get your wits about you. Find something therapeutic you can do daily; personally I play piano & paint with water colors. This kept me sane over the past year.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    At most I would visit once a week, more likely I would not visit for the next two weeks and then I would ask for family therapy once per week in place of unsupervised visits. If he is allowed to call me, I would only talk to him when called me, I would talk to him but I would let him initiate. I also would stop all contact between grandparents and him for the duration of the stay. (Actually I would ask therapist to take the heat and stop them.)

    It concerns me that they allowed him off campus this early.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with JJJ on this. I venture a guess that difficult child is attempting to manipulate you through your parents. I also wonder why he's being allowed offsite visits when he's not even started any kind of therapy yet? I would keep visitation at a minimum - base your visits on his attitude on the phone. If he's not engaging on the phone, don't engage by visiting. I would also touch base with the facilit to find out when something other than housing and meals will be provided.

  8. maril

    maril New Member

    Helpful comments and suggestions.

    My son was in court-ordered treatment for 45 days at an adolescent behavioral health center. Initially, it was rough for all. I found it became easier as time went on and he came to terms with being there for treatment and adapted to the program. Of course, a supportive and experienced staff that helped guide us to resist difficult children attempts to manipulate was much appreciated.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2010