Wow...this morning was UNREAL

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Feb 26, 2009.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    We are heartbroken. Several months ago, difficult child adopted a cat. Not just any cat. A very loving cat. I didn't want her to have it because I didn't feel she was really able to properly care for a pet. However, when husband met the kitty...like difficult child, he fell instantly in love. It behaved like a dog. Very warm and loving. Very docile. Sweet. Everyone can pet it, etc. It especially loved difficult child. And she seemed responsible in her care of it. We helped her a little with it paying for some of its bills...but the larger things were paid for free by the Humane Society and difficult child took care of the arrangements. When I saw difficult child with the cat....it was heartwarming. A special pet.

    Early this morning, difficult child walked to a little store. Not sure why. Perhaps to get cigarettes. The cat followed her. So, she picked it up to take it home. It jumped out of her arms and just then a car came by. It got hit by a car. I don't know the details...but somehow the car hit it again. difficult child saw the entire thing and started screaming hysterically. The store manager called the police. The car took off.

    Three police officers came. They felt sorry for difficult child. She was trying to care for the cat and was covered with blood. They took her to an emergency vet.

    On the way to the vet...the cat died in her arms. She called us at this point screaming so badly...we couldn't understand her. We met her at the emergency vet's place.

    When she got to the vet...she calmed down a little and said goodbye to her cat.

    We took her home...but she became hysterical again. We gave her Risperdal. Shortly thereafter, she was calmer.

    Then she went to stay with a friend and we told her that she should call us in a little while.

    She is blaming herself for not seeing that the cat was following her. We have told her that she shouldn't do this.

    A tiny part of me feels like she should have been more careful. on the other hand, I see where this could have happened to anyone. I do wonder why she was getting cigs. so very early in the morning. It was still dark. It's hard to say...but perhaps some people drive more carelessly at weird hours...then again...that would not be her fault. Where am I going with this? Well....it's just that its been my experience that one way or another impulsive behavior ends up with difficult or even tragic results.

    husband says that this is just too heartbreaking to even attempt to bring up a lesson here and there are extenuating circumstances. I think I would have to agree.

    WE are totally torn apart by this. We think, given the circumstances, she is handling it decently. Two hours after it all hapened, she was doing much better.

    I have a call into her therapist to get some additional advice on what I might say and/or do if she has any other serious crying jags.

    Does anyone have any thoughts?

    But wouldn't you know it...difficult child is going through one of her "periods" where she hasn't seen her therapist in about a month. She does that. I'm not sure if she will go and I can't "force" her to do so and won't. I can only make the suggestion and leave it at that.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry she lost her pet especially when she had to actually see it. How tragic! I would definitely not suggest this was in any way her fault. It really wasnt. Cats do things like that.

    I had to watch as my precious puppy's were shot and killed. It devastated me and I cried for weeks, if not months.
     
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Nomad, I'm so sorry for your kitty and difficult child. It's understandable that she is hysterical. It was a really traumatic, violent scene that unfolded.
    Do you believe she didn't know the kitty was following her? My difficult child probably would think it was ok for the pet to follow him.
    It was dark and the driver may not have seen the kitty especially since it jumped suddenly.
    Our kids are about 80 to 90% able to take care of a pet but that 10 to 20% has to be taught, reinforced and supervised. My difficult child feeds, walks the dogs when I am out of town but really doesn't think of them for hours at a time. When the routine is changed he doesn't make the accomadations. If it rains he doesn't think to let them out. Obviously they have an accident. If he has to take them to the groomer, then he doesn't give HoneySue her medications. They have the capacity but not entirely.

    She should be able to grieve for a bit. They feel pain and anguish and horror at their loss. Maybe even a little guilt slips in there(on their level).
    No lessons now. In a month or so you can bring up the danger of walking anywhere alone in the dark. I would approach the issue of care of a pet gradually. Remind her of all the good things she did for kitty and all the things she did right. Ask her what she would do differently if she ever has a cat again. Start it out as a gradual learning lesson. She may be able to talk about it more clearly after the trauma and emotions die down a bit.

    Poor kid. Poor kitty.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG! How absolutely horrid for difficult child!! The poor girl. I'm not sure I'd have handled it all that well myself. I went to pieces having to put a dog to sleep. :(

    Such a tragedy.

    Sending huge ((((hugs)))) for difficult child and the rest of the family too.
     
  5. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry. I saw a kitten ran over when I was 12 and I have never, ever forgotten it and it wasn't even mine.

    I agree, no lessons now. She needs to cope with the shock and trauma.

    (((hugs to difficult child)))
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. This brings me almost to tears just thinking about it. I think anyone would have been traumatized by this. It's heartbreaking. I agree, no lessons to be learned right now. No blame. Just lots of support and love.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Few things are more difficult in life than actually finding that one fantastic, great friend. The friend that loves you unconditionally, no matter how bad of a hair day you are having, no matter how bad of a hair day he is having - the love you share was there. One thing that is harder though, is loosing that friend. I think it leaves us almost naked against the world and we feel so alone without that one someone that was willing to look past all our imperfections and say "I love you so much no matter what."

    My hearthfelt sympathies are with your family today Nomad.

    Please tell your daughter from me that I think her cat was very brave to suspect such a driver and sacrafice himself on the 'chance' that maybe his best friend was in danger. Best friends should always look out for each other.

    I just can't see any other way to explain it to her.

    Hugs
     
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Oh, Nomad, this is so awful, I am so sorry. I think your dtr's reactions were perfectly understandable. I agree, no "lessons", let her try to recover from this trauma. I think it could have happened to anyone. I feel so sad for all of you.
    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree with the others about this not being the time for lessons.

    What a terrible thing- I would be traumatized horribly if I witnessed something like that, not to mention the fact that her poor kitty died despite her best efforts. Please give her a big hug from me.

    Suz
     
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry! What a hard thing for difficult child to witness. I agree, no lesson teaching needed here. I am sure it is also going through her head how things could have been different. Her natural consequences on this one was too high a price to pay to try to teach anything about it. And as everyone else (even yourself) pointed out, this was a true accident. difficult child is not to blame - could have happened to anyone at anytime.
     
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you for the wise, thoughtful and warm comments.

    I am in a weird...rather emotional place.

    We talk about detachment. I understand the complications here. I understand that surely difficult child learned a lesson. I understand that there are unsual circumstances. I understand that difficult child was growing in that she was taking good care of the cat...

    I recall though that husband asked me "can difficult child have a cat?" I said "no." He said "It's a great cat! It's very special. difficult child will love it and it will love difficult child." I met the cat...it was indeed very special. It was one of a kind. I'm not a cat person...I thought of taking the cat...but can not.

    Ironically, someone dumped a cat on my front lawn three weeks ago. I refused to feed it. I THOUGHT it would go to someone elses home. IT would get the hint. It started to starve. It almost died one day on my front lawn. I couldn't take it any longer. I took it to the vet. It is a sickly cat. It is now my cat.

    difficult child has another cat. A "friend" was moving due to financial problems...it basically dumped a cat onto her door step. This is an "aloof" cat.

    I am not much of a cat person...but cats are in my life as of late and I have my own financial concerns. I'm hurt, concerned, angry, confused.

    I semi agreed for difficult child to have this cat...because it was so very special. It was really THAT special. It followed her around like a puppy. It loved everyone and especially loved difficult child.

    husband says the bottom line (and he's a HUGE cat lover) is that people are more important than cats...and I understand this and believe in this too.

    I wonder if somehow I could have prevented this. I DID beg my good friend to take the cat. She has a house full of strays and put her foot down and said no!

    Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to concentrate more fully on the love difficult child brought to the cat, the cat brought to difficult child and the lessons hopefully learned. And of course, also detach a little better.

    Today, I took difficult child to lunch and she is doing fairly well...considering. She was told that she has the option of seeing her therapist if she feels she needs additional support.

    A very hard day...thank you for your kind words.:sad-very:
     
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Awww Nomad. ((((hugs)))) for all your hurting hearts.

    Your kitty sounds so much like my Bruce it breaks my heart.

    There is a good reason your kitty came into your life, and you into his, even if it was to make his last days very very happy and filled with love.
     
  13. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I'm so sorry. It sounds like both difficult child and the cat brought each other happiness in the time they were together. There are some very good web sites for dealing with the loss of a pet, maybe one would be helpful to her.
     
  14. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    I'm so sorry this happened to your difficult child. The loss of a pet can really be painful especially that she saw it. My prayers are with you and your family.
     
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry that this happened and that your Daughter lost her beloved pet in such a horrible way. There is no lesson here other than to treasure what we have when we have it. MY thoughts and my tears...RM
     
  16. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Nomad,
    I don't think you could have prevented it, it was just one of those awful, unfortunate accidents--truly sounds like it was simply an accident. You could not have forseen this--sure, you knew it was risky for difficult child to have the cat but it sounds like they had a special bond and who knows what positive impact having this cat had on difficult child. There are just way too many variables to consider and you are not God so you can't possibly forsee all the possibilities of every action you or difficult child take.

    Hugs to you,
    Jane
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG! How tragic!
    I just saw this note.
    I would have been in worse shape than your daughter.
    No, I don't think there was any way to prevent it. Everyone, at some time or another, has problems with-their pets getting out. Please, don't second guess yourself. Try to let it be.
    I hope you are all doing better now.
     
  18. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    OMG -- this is awful!!! Your poor difficult child; I would have been hysterically to. In no way is this her fault; things like this can happen.

    When I was about 12, my mom, sister and I had just come home from the grocery store. We had a basement apartment in a large home and parked across the street from our house. Our cat regularly greeted us whenever we came home. As she crossed the street to come to us, a car came speeding down the road and hit her. I can still see it in my head -- the cat was trying to move it's legs, but her head was stuck to the ground and her eye was gone from the trauma. It was horrifying.....The driver took her and put her in a bag and left. I have NEVER forgotten it. NEVER.

    I will pray for your difficult child and her loss. Pets are so dear to our hearts, and their losses are sometimes the most profound in our lives.

    Many Hugs,
    Doll
     
  19. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    We've gone back and forth on this many times and have talked to professionals about it. All thought the bottom line was that it wasn't technically difficult children fault that the cat was killed. She wasn't driving the vehicle. Some thought it was immature of her not to be more assertive in securing the cat. She likely knew it was following her at some point, etc. She seems to have learned from the experience. And her heart is mending.

    She has another cat...one that was dumped upon her...one that is not overly friendly. She is treating him like a king.

    However, sadly difficult child might have to move next month. This will be the first time we kinda/sorta are in agreement with the idea. Her current place has horrible plumbing problems. She's had lots of "toilet" problems. The plumbing was not done to building code standards. The other day, the toilets all over the place flooded. It was gross. husband and I tried to get a plummer in there...but the landlord stopped us. Anyway, the new place difficult child found has high fees for pets. Hopefully, she can find something else. Not sure about what will happen next in the contuing saga.

    p.s. Doll... what a horrible/tragic story. I'm very sorry.
     
    Lasted edited by : Mar 13, 2009
  20. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Star, that was beautiful. I was going to post something similar. If we can make sense of the horrible things that happen to us, we can take some comfort, there. Nomad, I don't know your daughter well enough to say whether she would be comforted by the following line of reasoning, but here goes. If we can believe that this very special cat came to difficult child specifically to teach her the things she has come to know through loving and even, through losing it as she did, then there is great purpose in what has happened.

    What has your daughter learned through her time with her cat?

    She has learned trust, and taken joy in loving and in being loved. That's big stuff. She lost the cat in a most horrible way ~ horrible.

    But maybe, for reasons we will never know, she needed to learn just what she will learn from having lost the thing she loved in this horrible way.

    Finally Nomad, the depth of our grief is a measure of the depth of our cherishing. If you can help your daughter to remember the love she felt for her cat right along with the grief she will feel now, I think that will help just a little.

    I'm so sorry this happened, Nomad.

    It is so very strange that you have all these cats coming into your life just now though, isn't it?

    Barbara
     
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