yes -i gave in - but.....

[mog]

yes i gave in and brought difficult child home because it is winter and cold! He got kicked of the place that he and his "girlfriend" was living because SHE is crazy. ------LONG ASS STORY___but now what do i do? difficult child is holding his own emotionally even though husband is being an ASSSSSSSS. difficult child has really been trying but husband wont even pretend to be nice which is pisssssing me off because oldest son is been wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worse -living off the girlfriends parents oh yeah and she is prego. Sorry his girlfriend is a sweetheart but he is a bigger ass-cheating -drinking-wasting their "huh -really her" money -they live her her parents but husband is being an ass to difficult child when he is really trying.
I caught husband in another emotional affair with some girl his cousin grew up with that has had a crush on him since they were younger. I found out because I lost my job and the girls that I work with wanted to go for drinks. We went and when I came home I was talking to husband when my phone rang and it was my dad ( I talk to him 3-4 times a day now that I take care of him since my mom died - may she rest in peace- ) well my cell phone died so I picked up the house phone to call him back and there was a lady talking so I said HELLO and she hung up and then the other line in our house hung up. I went to the garage and I aske who were you talking to to and he said nobody I was taking the dogs out to go to the bathroom. I said yeah right and walked in then turned around and went back to the garage and pushed redial and looked at husband and said then who was this! He said he did not know sooooo I said ok then --took his cell phone and dailed the number. "*****" answered and said oh **** did you get busted ----SO I SAID "I DON'T KNOW ----DID HE!!!!!!!) SHE HUNG UP!! So I called back and talked to her and she said that husband is ALWAYS calling -texting and facebooking her to tell her that HE is NOT happy with his wife and his life so then she said that "I " should tell him to loose her number and i said NO you tell him that --so i put her on speaker and she did. So he has been moping around but i logging onto his fb and she was still trying to get him to talk to her behind my back. He saying he does anymore but I dont know to trust him becasue he already messed it up once.
I told him not to be mean to difficult child because he is a cheater with me but he still is not being nice to him

what do i do?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I'm sorry you are having a bad time.

I really think that you should go for therapy to get help. I think the issues are complicated and personal. Obviously husband is being a jerk and should go with you, but he probably won't unless he thinks his marriage is in jeopardy. difficult child probably has a bad past with husband...not everyone can forget so easily. It would probably be great if you could get everyone into family therapy.

Other than that, sending you good vibes and hoping things get better.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hello Mog, yikes, that's quite a story! I'm truly sorry you are in the middle of all of this. I have no real words of wisdom for you to help solve these dilemmas, however, if it were me, I would get myself into therapy. These are all large issues which may take some doing to untangle, find your true feelings and what to do about your difficult child returning home, the way your husband treats your difficult child and your husband's lying. These all sound like issues of boundary setting, drawing a line about what you are willing to accept and what you're not willing to accept and how to understand the difference and communicate what you want to those in your life whom you love.

It sounds to me as if you are cornered by the choices of others, which feels really bad, I've been in those situations and no matter how you look at it, it bites. Marriage counseling may be another option if he is willing to go since loss of trust is a deep issue which can slowly erode any relationship. From my vantage point it really does seem that your husband's cheating is a separate issue from difficult child returning home, so requesting husband to be nice to difficult child because he is a cheater will likely not produce positive results. You've got a lot on your hands with all of this, I am so sorry, on all counts my guess would be there are deeper issues going on here, which if you can find out what they are and address them, husband and difficult child and you may be able to find a place to stand together. If not, you may be at a point of having to make some difficult choices. Either way, in my opinion, you may need some professional help in finding solutions which nourish your well being. I wish you a smoother path and send gentle hugs your way..........

 

[JJJ]

I think therapy is a good idea.

 

[DammitJanet]

As the posters above have said, this seems to be a complicated matter where things may seem to overlap, I dont think they truly do. As Dr Phil likes to say "You are arguing about topics and not the real issues." difficult child, husband, and your other son are all totally separate issues. While it may seem that they are overlapping in all the arguing, that is because it is easy to scapegoat one person (difficult child) instead of dealing with each separate issue on its own. We tend to do that here too. Its so much easier to get into fights about Cory when the real issue is something else entirely. It always ends up if I say one word to my SO about his brother, he turns the conversation back around to something Cory has done wrong. I really dont understand it and it makes me madder than a wet hen. So I really get where you are coming from.

I do think therapy is a good idea but I couldnt get mine to go to therapy for all the tea in China. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and that I have poisoned the therapists against him. That would even be the case if I picked someone out of the phone book and had never seen them before. Personally I think my SO is beginning to lose a few marbles.

 

[Hound dog]

You have a 1 percent chance of getting your husband to go to therapy. Doesn't mean you shouldn't go. You can talk over everything with a therapist, and while we've got big ears and broad shoulders.......well, it's not so easy to type it all out.......and often it would be a book if you tried. Easier to just sit down and tell someone and let them help you find your way through it. Especially the nitty gritty stuff.

But, not knowing the back story, it sounds as if husband is the issue not difficult child. That needs dealt with, not just for difficult child's sake, but because it just does.

I had my own tactics that worked with Fred based on his personality ect. Some people would say some of them were mean. I dunno about that. I don't think so. They were meant to get his attention, which they did, in spades. lol Taking out his feelings on one of our kids would have invoked the high wrath of Mom. If he was lucky he might have managed a single bout of it. There would be no repeat performance because his life would be miserable in a thousand little ways. Fred didn't respond to words very much. He responded to direct action. If he had an issue with me, he'd better let me know about it and not take it out on other people, especially our kids.

Sounds to me like your husband is directing his guilty conscience toward difficult child instead of settling the matter with you. Razzle dazzle to get you worked up over difficult child/him instead of the real issue......this other woman/him. Know what I mean?? May or may not be a conscious effort either. Razzle dazzle is a technique often learned young, after so long the person doesn't often doesn't even realize they're doing it.

Best way to irk him? Tell difficult child to ignore husband that he's just miffed about something else. Then you both ignore husband. There can be no razzle dazzle if everyone refuses to play.

Hugs

 

[Jody]

Sounds like you have gotten some good advice. I hope you do go to therapy, sounds like you are dealing with a lot. Hugs.