Yesterday was my toughest day

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Yesterday started off pretty much the same as this past week has, but by the afternoon things started hitting me. Luckily I was amongst my friends and family all day and they did their best to get me through the day.

    I think a lot of what I was feeling has to do with husband's actions yesterday and because I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself. So after everything he has done to me, I am now feeling sorry for him because he's realizing what he has done to his life. I can't wait to go see my counselor on Tuesday and discuss this.

    H and I have had a few pretty civil phone calls over the few days, discussing how we can best figure things out financially and deal with this seperation until a final decision is made. There is such a past here and so many emotions that it all gets so confusing.

    After our huge blowout the other day when he called me with his tail between his legs, he seems to be realizing he needs to start thinking about what he's doing before he loses more then just me. I think part of it has to do with him having contact with his oldest and closest friend who is pretty much saying to him, what the heck are you doing to yourself????

    H decided yesterday that he needs to move out of the lesbian friends house because apparently he tired of the bachelor life pretty quickly. I knew it would happen, just not this quick. He called his brother about renting the apartment he was originally supposed to because the girl he's living with is a night owl and she is up with her friends all hours of the night, which means H is getting no sleep at all and I guess is already tired of this little party life he has been leading for the past 2 weeks. I knew he spent yesterday getting some furniture from a friend and bringing stuff over to this apartment which he will move into next week. This is where my emotions come in because now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!!!! I think he's realizing pretty quickly what he's done to himself. He asked me yesterday if I've been playing cards with everyone and I said yes. He made a comment like, I guess I'm out of that group now. I just told him that is his choice. I told him they are his brothers and family I play cards with and if he wants to spend time with them, he needs to call and set it up. ( of course I won't be there if he is ) Nobody can fix that for him, just like everything else he has gotten himself into. That is the problem. He wants everyone to fix everything for him and I have tried to do that for so many years, when it wasn't my job.

    I know this is something I really really need to work on. To be honest with you, I don't really miss him. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with all the anger I feel over what he has done these past 5 weeks. I was just feeling lonely yesterday. Here I was out at the places we always used to be together, with the people we were always with. I have done this many times without him also though because he has spent so much time in VT lately, so I can't understand why it bothered me so much yesterday. I know I will have my good and bad days. I really don't feel in my heart and in my head that I could ever get past all of this and have a healthy relationship with him. My girlfriend told me last night that my feelings are normal. I guess it kind of compares to how I felt when I was going through everything with difficult child, there was a mourning period. I think I'm mourning the life I have known for the past 27 years.

    Does any of this make sense??

    I think the fact that he has moved so quickly as far as listing the vacation home and we've already talked about my buying something else when my original plan at first was to seperate, get counseling for myself and take sometime to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, and I kind of feel like that part is being skipped over. I know it has to do with him not dealing with what he has done wrong. He still hasn't taken responsibility for it and I don't think he wants to face it because he would really have to take a good look at what he's done and do something about it. I think it's easier for him just to now move on, feel sorry for himself, but not deal with anything he has done.

    I guess that kind of makes me angry too, but he robbed me from dealing with my mothers death the way I was supposed to and now he's robbing me of dealing with this the way I wanted too. I think I may have just answered my own question of why I'm feeling this way. He is robbing me of soemthing else now and I'm allowing him too. This is a huge thing I need to work on. I allow him to do this to me constantly. Once again I am so worried about him and his discomfort that I am putting myself 2nd. I spent all day yesterday thinking of him moving into an apartment by himself and how sad that is.
    What is wrong with me that I continue to allow him to make me feel this way. He was unhappy. He went out and had an affair. He screwed up his life and our marriage and now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!! He is so good at making me feel I'm responsible for his happiness that I fall into this so easily.

    Is it Tuesday yet??? (that is when my next appointment is)
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi Karen,
    Yes, you're mourning- but a new life awaits you. You are used to worrying about his comfort, you've been doing it for so long ...There is nothing wrong with you, with time all this worrying and wondering about him will evaporate because your life will be filled with other things, other interests, and other people. Know that there will be some bad days, but you get through them knowing that there will be fewer and fewer of them. And you are taking care of yourself, going out and doing things you enjoy. There will be more of this in the future. In time you may even think of this as a positive thing.

    Here's why I say that. At age 34 I was sick undergoing chemo. I had given my treasured possesions away, thinking I was going to die. After a year of this I was ok after all. My life now is 100% different. And yours will be too! I really enjoy every second of every day. I can honestly say, cancer was a gift at this point. I won't bore you with the details of all cancer has brought to my life, but I know in time, you will feel the same way. Have a good day Karen. ((((hugs)))-Alyssa
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Well, it IS sad.

    I feel badly for husband, too.

    He is thinking wrong.

    He has been thinking wrong ~ blaming YOU for things he has not tended to in his own life ~ for such a long time now that he will probably never realize that he has been taking the lazy man's way out (by blaming you) instead of working through his issues like every adult must do if we are to mature.

    husband may well keep thinking wrong until his marriage is long, long gone and you have moved on.

    You cannot keep doing the thinking for your husband, Karen.

    You hit on the correct thing in your posting. Your intention was to separate and think through and take time.

    That is what you need to do.

    If husband wants to rush into divorce (and it doesn't sound like husband's thinking skills have been anything to write home about lately), then husband will just have to go ahead and do that.

    If he does, you move into protection mode for yourself and your children.

    It is no longer about husband, if he wants to rush things along.

    It is about preserving a certain life style, a certain set of options and choices for your children, and for yourself.

    husband is making a choice, here.

    That is the cost of the choice.


    I have no doubt husband will come to his senses. What I wonder about is whether YOU will be willing to go back to a marriage in which you are blamed for everything that goes wrong and never, ever, cherished or given credit for all the things that have gone right.

    And I still say there is no such thing as a naturally "cold" woman.

    There are men who take their relationships so casually that their women do not let themselves go ~ not with them, anyway. :smile:

    Until you see from your husband the cherishing another man will give you if you and husband split, proceed as you initially planned.

    A separation, and time to think.

    Sadness is always part of loss.

    Nurture yourself through it.

    Respect yourself and your commitment to husband enough to grieve the loss of your marriage.

    This pain too, husband brought to you.

  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Does any of this make sense??


    take sometime to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, and I kind of feel like that part is being skipped over ... I guess that kind of makes me angry too, but he robbed me from dealing with my mothers death the way I was supposed to and now he's robbing me of dealing with this the way I wanted to.

    That makes perfect sense. It reminds me of the way our mother raised us. Her emotions were legitimate. Ours didn't count. Definite codependency issues.
    You are absolutely <span style="color: #FF6666">not</span> responsible for his, or anyone's, emotions or reactions. Period. Repeat that. It will become your new mantra.
    You've got a great life ahead of you. When you learn to separate yourself, you will be so much happier, and you will be amazed at the whole thing. It can't happen when you're in the middle of it. Give yourself time. Give yourself breathing space.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    All I can tell you is that Im sorry that you are going through this. I havent had to deal with a divorce in a long time. Mine was quick and quite different.

    I know if I was separating from Tony now it would be extremely difficult. Dismantling a life is never easy.

    The separation agreement will help quite a bit. Even though I havent had a divorce lately, Jamie got a legal separation agreement from his first wife and the separation agreement spelled out everything and went straight into the divorce agreement. Now granted their marriage was not long nor did they have many assets or bills to divide...but it was needed.

    I hope the therapy helps. I hope you start feeling stronger and better and that life starts feeling happier for you. That is my wish for you.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and admiration your way, my friend. You have hit the nail on the head! It is just like difficult child. You need to review
    Detachment 101. You are not responsible for the decisions that
    others make....not your adult son and absolutely not your legal
    adult spouse. :hammer:

    I had a friend about your age whose husband got arrested for DUI
    three times! :rolleyes: She attended his court dates and the
    local newspaper reporters followed her around trying to get her
    to comment. Finally, when asked again and again, "how do you
    explain x's poor choices?" Terri (who, by the way, is just about as
    cute as you are) turned and flashed a big smile while she said
    "this is the ONLY comment I am going to have" "I am not going to
    try to explain x's choices...they ARE x's CHOICES. He is an adult. Remember, I didn't raise him...I just married him!"

    At our house, on a lighter note, that is what I say when the boys
    complain about husband's quirks. "Remember, I didn't raise him...I just married him!" :smile:

    I'm saying a quick prayer that Tuesday comes faster than you can
    imagine. Review your textbook. Do NOT let him make ANY choices
    that involve you, your children or your assets. You have all the
    time in the world to make sure your choices are yours. There is
    NO rush......remember the AA saying "nice and easy". That is how
    you need to take it! DDD
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well husband just left a few minutes ago. He stopped over to drop off his work truck and pick up his other truck. He came in and we started talking, he looked like h e double hockey sticks.

    He then proceded to fall apart and take complete responsibility for everything that has happened. He was not looking for my forgiveness or sympathy. That is how I knew he was compelteley sincere. He is going to call the counselor tomorrow and set himself up an appointment. He said he cannot believe he has done any of these things to me, that he has no idea what is wrong with him and that he needs serious help. He said he knows he destroyed the best thing he ever had in his life and now needs to figure out what he needs to do about it.

    Everything he has been doing for the past month or so has hit him full force. I didn't give him any sympathy. I told him he does need serious help and that nobody else can fix him, he needs to fix himself. He again admitted that if I had ever done any of these things to him he knows he could never forgive or forget any of it and that what he has done is totally unacceptable and inexcusable.

    It was really tough sitting there watching him cry hysterically and take full responsibility for everything, but I stayed very even and didn't show him any emotions. He asked for the number to the counselor and I just told him that I hope for his sake he does call her and go because whether or not it will make any difference in our marriage or not, he needs to figure out his life before he loses anything else.

    What an emotional morning. I am going for a nice long walk with my friend.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good for you.
    And the nice thing is, that you are absolutely right--he's got to do this for himself, no matter what.
    I have no doubt you are/were the best thing that ever happened in his life. We all make choices. He's made some really bad ones.
    Let's hope he starts making good choices now, incl. mtng with-a counselor.
    Good luck. You're doing great!
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just wanted to say hang in there! You are doing a great job.

  10. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I'm glad that your husband at least appears to be taking responsibility for his actions. My ex never has. His version of reality has me being the bad guy, and I had to bite my tongue for many years with my kids. They eventually began to suspect things and ask me questions, and I always prefixed the answers with "are you sure you want my side of the story, even if it doesn't agree with your father's?". I also waited until I felt they were old enough to hear things objectively - and after they had made comments such as "how did you stay married to him for so long" - based only on how he now treats them.

    Please move forward with YOUR best intentions in mind, not his.

    And don't share lawyers. Let him get his own - or he can not get one if that's his choice. You do what YOU need to do.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Karen, you said, "I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself".
    I think this is what he has trained you to do - or maybe you've always been like this, which is what drew him to you to start with and held you both together for so long, but at your expense. I am glad you see this - it is very hard to change long-term habits, although if/when you succeed it is wonderfully freeing.

    H feeling sorry for himself and thinking that everyone hates him now - my brother did exactly this when he was making such a mess of his life (your previous thread) and I remember my father saying to him, pretty much what you said to your husband - "yes, you've made a mess, but you can clean it up, nobody hates you. But YOU must be the one to do it."

    Watch out for that loneliness. It was so bad for my sister that she would have taken the louse back like a shot. Her bitterness and loneliness made other people (including her ex) feel somehow superior, that they had someone and she didn't. And the way she felt her life could only be worth something if she had a husband, even the philandering abusive so-and-so she'd so hastily thrown out (in her eyes) - it was tragic.
    But she grew past this and over this. When his new wife died he went back to my sister and asked her to take him back - luckily by then she had another man - now her second husband.
    You've invested so much of yourself in this man, for so long, that you have buried yourself. So much of you is tied up in him and his happiness - whatever happens, you need to find where YOU are in all of this. And as for mourning the last 27 years - you had a dream of what your life really was, and he has shattered that dream. It is the dream, it is the marriage you thought you had, that you are mourning. The reality is different. It takes time to adapt your dream to the reality you now recognise. This is normal. And don't forget, you also need to grieve for your mother; this has been interrupted - very unhealthy.

    Alyssa's description of the changes in her life due to cancer - it is a similar process. And she is right, on the other side of this process there is joy and zest for life - you learn to value yourself and not feel guilty for it.

    Barbara has also given you good advice. You need time. Maybe especially because of your mother, but time will help you put things in perspective. And if he wants to rush things - yet another reason for separate solicitors. It saves you having to explain all the time, why you don't want to burn bridges.

    Well done for holding yourself together during his visit. I hope he really HAS 'got it' - he does need the help, if he is now prepared to follow through there. Don't get sucked in, though - you now have your own path to follow, while he is following his.

    Hang in there, Tuesday will be here soon. I suggest you talk to the counsellor about your mother's death, also - you have a very big bundle to deal with.


    TYLERFAN New Member


    He did alot of things that weren't right. You say you probably can't get past him to a healthy relationship. You are answering your own questions, the implementation of these things are so hard. I haven't had a husband cheat...yet, but I did have serious boyfriends cheat and I also cheated once or twice (not behavior I am proud of) but it did help me to leard what I want in life. I know you are too angry right now, and I am not asking you to understand why he did what he did....I am asking you to go with your gut and do what you think is best for YOU!...You seem to be doing fine so far. I know it hurts, I know it hurts really bad. :crying: And you yourself said you wanted to work more on your own self, your life, job, etc. You deserve a man who honors you and the marraige and in my humble opinion doing this to you while you were going thru the death of your mother makes him a selfish, lying, jerk :devil:
    Get out with whatever you can.....fight for what's legally yours....he stepped out of the marraige. As Ivana Trump one said.."Don't get mad, get everything"......I wish you well. I will pray for you.

    Melissa :angel:
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I was so exhausted last night and then when I hit the bed I don't think I got more then maybe 2 hours sleep. He told me many things yesterday that he has been doing since he left the house and some of them are just so unlike him that I'm having a really hard time with all of it. He said he needed to be totally honest with me about things, which I guess I appreciate, but some of the things he told me are kind of hard to digest.

    He admitted to me that in the past 2 weeks he got to be "friends" with a different women, other then the one he was having an affair with. He told me he was looking for attention in the wrong ways and that he was actually doing cocaine with her. I know he is beside himself thinking of the things he has done. I do feel sorry for him, but not in the way I usually would. I feel bad that he has made such a mess out of his life, I'm angry about what he has done to me and our marriage, but I also know there is not one thing he has done that I can make him feel better about.

    Different things are happening around the house now that are making me even angrier. I now have a mouse in the house and it makes me angry that he isn't there to help me with these things. I discovered the mouse of course the day after he moved out.

    My easy child daughter actually told me this morning that she heard something on the nightstand next to her bed last night and when I looked there was a plate with some food on it and mouse turds. I didn't tell her. I picked up the plate and said, I don't see anything. I called h at 7:00 this morning and told him he needs to set up mouse traps for me in the basement and check them everyday when he comes to get his work truck and equipment.
    He said he will take care of it today.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    karen, set the mouse traps, you can do it.
    he is drugging, sexually active and whines to you???
    c/mon he is being a full blown adult difficult child.
    get your warrior gear on.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">karen, set the mouse traps, you can do it.
    get your warrior gear on. </div></div>

    No, I cannot set them. You don't even understand how terrified I am of a little mouse. I won't even open the draw under my stove to get a pan out because I heard one in there last week. I won't even go in the basement, and especially if there is a mouse trap down there, I don't want to see a dead mouse.

    What I should have done, and will do from now on, is find someone else to set them and check them for me. I have plenty of friends who won't mind doing it.

    My warrior gear won't help me against a little mouse. This is just one more thing that makes me angry. One more thing I have to deal with on my own. I know we have had mice in the basement in the past, but this is the first one I have ever seen upstairs and isn't it funny that it didn't appear until the first day he didn't live home anymore!!
  16. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    whatever it is you are frightened of, you have to go to someone else not him. by the way I had to remove a mouse trap with a mouse in it a few months back. no one was here. the mouse was kinda cute with beady eyes. I felt sorry for him. they are usually very small if they are field mice. lol
    I was married 32 yrs to my ex. I had to do it all on my own. he never did a thing, so I never got used to having a helper.

    I didnt mean the warrior gear for the mice..that is for your ex.
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I didnt mean the warrior gear for the mice..that is for your ex. </div></div>

    I know. I just thought maybe the warrior gear might protect me against mice, but I don't think so :rofl:

    I'm having him do these things right now because I'm angry and I know he should be the one doing them. I feel if I get someone sel to do it, it's just letting him get away with one more thing he doesn't have to be responsible for. I'm not asking him nicely. I'm not saying please. I'm pretty much telling him what I need him to do. I feel this is still his house also, even though he's not living there for now, so he needs to drain and winterize the pool, he needs to cut the lawn, and everything else.
  18. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Bravo, Karen:

    There are so many things:

    1. making him get the mouse
    2. making him cut the grass
    3. winterize the pool
    4. no sympathy when he was "bearing his soul"
    5. handing him the number for the counselor
    6. allowing him to tell you all the stupid stuff he's been doing
    7. maintaining a distance when he was flogging himself instead of holding him and making him feel better

    Make no commitments, make no announcements, make no efforts. Be ambivilent!

    You're my hero!
  19. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Boy, husband is just pulling out all the stops, isn't he.

    I'm so sorry, Karen.

    Probably because of the changes I have seen in my difficult child since the drug use (and cocaine was definitely one of them ~ at least in the beginning) I would not trust someone who was using drugs as far as I could spit.

    What in the world is going on with your husband!?!

    Maybe what you should do is call an exterminator for the mice (or borrow a female cat ~ males don't hunt, so they say), hire a pool man to take care of the pool this year and...BILL IT TO husband!

    If he has money to blow on cocaine, he has money to pay for the things you need done at home.

    I would be angry, too.


  20. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Right now anyone I would hire to do anything, would be coming out of both of our pockets. We need to pay the bills at our exsisting home, plus a rent and utilities at the apartment he will be renting. I'm not going to spend money on anything he is capable of doing.

    As far as I'm concerned, this is the least he can do for me.