You All Were Right, It Didn't Work Out............

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, Aug 18, 2007.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Today was the end of what could have been a new beginning for our difficult child. Almost two weeks ago, (against you all's better judgement) we allowed our difficult child to move back home for a "hand up". My husband and I had felt that she had reached her bottom and was putting herself in danger. She assured us that she wanted better for herself and was willing to do whatever we wanted to make this work out for her.

    I helped move her, we paid for and I helped wash and fold 15 loads of her laundry (in a hot laundry mat) because everything she owned was disgusting. I drove her around looking for a job, pushed her to keep going, when she got a job I took her to goodwill to purchase some of the required color and style of clothing that her job required. We bought her new underwear, a couple of pairs of jeans, new shoes and a few tops. I transported her to work, had her beautiful son here for a few days and of course I watched him when she worked and even when she was home because she wouldn't.

    We told our difficult child that we expected her to be working 60 hrs. a week, that there was no reason for her not to be. She had no bills, no responsibilities, no nothing just plenty of time to work to save money so that she could buy a car, insurance, and get back on the road to the freedom she desperately wants. She was very concerned that she wouldn't have enough "me time". I made available the numbers for the free medical and free dental care she needs and provided transportation to and from her work. She got herself fired today! :grrr:

    She never worked the 60 hrs. or even 40 hrs. for that matter, I think the most she worked was 24 hrs. She couldn't wait to get home and talk on the phone, play on the computer and sleep. I had to remind her to take a shower every day, I had to bug her to do her laundry and wash her sheets. I even had to tell her to move her stuff from the washer to the dryer and then to get it out of the dryer! Then all she did was left her clothing crammed and wrinkled in a laundry basket.

    You know, I think in her mind she WAS doing what was expected and requested of her. From about day two, it has been a disaster and has quickly gone down hill from there. Getting fired today was the topper. I was most unhappy, especially since she told me the reason she was fired was because she (Her words) "challenged" the store OWNER about her lack of hours! :smile: And the fact that the owner was not happy that her clothing was not neat and pressed. DUH! What do expect would happen to you? Words were heated between the two of us all afternoon. When my husband got home, even more heated words were exchanged. I'm leaving a lot out, but our difficult child decided she should go back to the place she left. She could only stay there a couple of days and then would be moving to another state to live with a girl she met on the internet.

    My husband took her home late this evening. When he got back home, he went to bed and when I went in to talk to him, he was crying. We both bawled like babies. We love our difficult child. We don't like her. We wanted to help her, we wanted a better life for her. I don't believe it will ever happen in our life times. She won't allow us to help her, nor will she or can she help herself. She makes the same bad choices over and over and over again with the same disastrous, painful results. She absolutely refuses mental health care or medication. There is not one thing we can do, but watch the train wreck that she is..........crash. Repeatedly. My husband refuses to maintain contact with her for self preservation reasons. I on the other hand believe that we (again) need to put our relationship with her "in it's place", accept was it is and what it isn't and to allow her what place in the family she wants.

    When she left to go back to the apt. she came from, I hugged her, told her I loved her and that I hoped she could find what she needed and what would make her happy. I told her that I had had a different vision of how I wanted things to turn out, but was sad that it didn't happen for her. She hugged me back and apologized and said we get along better when we don't live together.

    I read someone else had a post going about greiving. This is the second major greiving that I have had to do for my daughter that is alive. It's horrible! On Monday I will be going to my family Dr. for anti-depressants. We'll be okay with some time, I just needed to get this off my chest. It really stinks to be a parent of a difficult child.
     
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    As much as you want to help them, sometimes they just need to figure it out for themselves....Did she take her son with her? He would be my main concern....

    Sorry you had your heart ripped out once again....unfortunately it probably won't be the last....and she is right about not living together....it's not as painful when you don't have to deal with the day to day stuff.....not putting her laundry from washer to dryer.....it just wasn't important to her.....
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It hasn't hadn't happened too many times in our marriage but when
    my husband cries it overwhelms me. I hold him. I cry with him. I keep thinking that there must be "some way" to take the pain away
    ........and then as I hug him..........I feel like we are the most devestated humans on earth.

    Reading your post has me teary eyed. Sending very understanding
    hugs your way. DDD
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I am so sorry. :crying:

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi,

    I do not recall your story, but it could be ANYONE'S story here.

    What's NOT important is whether the people on the board giving you warnings were right or wrong. You cannot change the past. What IS important is that you learn from this, and do not repeat the same mistakes. That is life, living and learning from trial and error, and letting go of the past hurts, and looking forward to the future.

    Yes, you will grieve again. We are all here for you to lean on while you do so.
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> we get along better when we don't live together</div></div>

    Make a poster of one of difficult child's pictures and place this phrase underneath it. It's a very important lesson to have learned, for both of you.

    difficult child is her own person, she's gonna do things her own way. Hopefully she'll be able to find the path that is right for her.

    Hugs
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am teary eyed too at your post. my son was not answering his phone today. I went to his apartment. ant was in bed, the place strewn with quart sized Colt 45 bottles and other beer bottles, cigbutts, a mess.

    he is 24 and knows better.
    his life will catch up to him.

    I quit. I love him too but I will not lose myself to him.
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is she dragging her child around with her still? I would feel the need to report the situation to DFS. Maybe they can help her get her act together. Or maybe they can find a way to keep him with you or another stable family member.
     
  9. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Thank you so much for your replies. I have been here at the house with tears falling pretty much since I woke up. I hate this! My husband had to go to work today and will be gone all day. I spoke to him a bit ago, he says he is okay and asked how I was. I'm not okay. :sad: My husband suggested I go to the gym for a change of pace and to release some endorphins. Yeah right, I'm not one of those sweet pretty criers. Oh no, my eyes puff up, swollen bright red, not really wanting to go out in public. I did decide that I do need to do something to take my mind off of this, so I will go to my parents house and mow their 1/2 acre of land as they are out of town. Being outside, the sunshine and actually accomplishing something should help a bit.

    My grandson is not here, nor is he being dragged around with my difficult child, his mother. His father has primary custody. I'll be the first to say that he is a better parent than my difficult child, but he stinks at parenting too. Based on information my difficult child gave me and concerns I have had, I have reported them anonymously to CPS on several occasions. CPS actually removed my grandson and his half sister from his fathers home and gave him to his other grandparents that are complete idiots! We were not even contacted. :grrr:

    I called the current caseworker this week as there is an open investigation right now based on a phone call I made. I don't want to be vindictive or hateful and I don't believe in taking children away from their parents, but I also believe that children actually deserve to have parents that make them a priority and to supervise and care for them properly in every way. That is not happening. The case worker was happy that I called even though I was reluctant to do so, he stated that I had valid concerns and that if our grandson was removed that we would certainly be called first. I offered for a caseworker to come to our home to meet us and see how we live, he didn't take me up on the offer this time. I don't want to be a child stealer, but we would take this beautiful child that we all love so very much and who love us too! He is so very happy here and for the most part well behaved, he is after all a little boy! He calls my husband and I "Ma and Pa" We really wanted to be grandma and grandpa, but at first he couldn't say that, so it's been Ma and Pa! Check out this sweet little guy! http://www.picturetrail.com/lesabre1960

     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Oh no, my eyes puff up, swollen bright red, not really wanting to go out in public.</div></div>

    Yep, been there done that. I remember husband trying to get me to go down the street to meet the new neighbors, who were M and L's daycare takers when they were young. He just kept saying, "Come outside and see what I found while walking the dog." I got as far as the street and saw that he was going to take me four doors down to meet the people standing on the sidewalk. I'm sure that they saw me, too. "No way!" I turned around and went right back into the house and told him to never try that again!

    But, in a pinch, a little Visine and some Preparation H will do the trick on the eyes... :cool:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I don't want to be a child stealer, but we would take this beautiful child that we all love so very much and who love us too! He is so very happy here and for the most part well behaved, he is after all a little boy!</div></div>

    I couldn't access the pictures because it said I needed a password. I'm so glad that you have it in your heart to take your grandson. I know it is not what you were planning for this part of your life. But a child needs stability, and he's not getting it.

    Enjoy your time outside. I've had a pretty hard week too, and spent most of last weekend crying and sleeping. I finally got out in the yard and started doing things. It helps. You can't undo hurt, but you can move on...
     
  11. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    I haven't been in your situation, my difficult child is 16. However, I understand why you wanted to give her another chance. If it were me, I would not forgive myself if I hadn't done everything possible to help my difficult child succeed. This was her chance and it didn't work, now you all have to grieve, live, and learn. Sorry your mommy heart is so broken...time heals all wounds.
     
  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Try using the password "grandma" . He's such a sweetie!
     
  13. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I feel your pain.
    difficult child got sent home for smashing someone's mozzarella.He said it's the customer's fault because they buy too much junk!!!! :hammer:

    It's not the same but the sinking of your heart is the same. It keeps saying that this isn't going to be the turnaround you hoped.
    Despite how much we disengage and say "no more", I just can't stop looking for a way to help difficult child find his way.

    I hope your daughter gets some idea of what she gave up. Hugs. It's been a long haul.
     
  14. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Sending positive thoughts your way. :angel:

    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. This sounds so familiar. Hugs.
     
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto Daisy!! The learned experience of knowing you all can not live together is precious information. She figured it out - that is good, in my humble opinion.

    I feel your pain in your posts and when you said husband was crying - I got choked up, too.

    There is nothing you can do to help your daughter and that is the hard thing to accept. Hopefully, you will be pleasantly surprised in 5 years when you take a look at the adult difficult child and see a happy, successful young woman. Fingers crossed! It can happen - just not by you helping her. Not anymore. Not an option.
     
  17. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You haven't lost your daughter. She's just trying to find a way to survive on her terms. It hurts. I know it does but at least she decided to move out before things reached a point where there was no return and little chance for a relationship in the future.

    Hopefully, she will grow up and start fulfilling some of the dreams you had for her.

    For now, hugs.
     
  18. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    I am so sorry, we are all grieving, maybe in different ways, but it hurts so so much. My husband will cry over difficult child, it kills me to see it. It is so hard when they become adults. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
     
  19. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    My husband is not normally a crier, so yes, it killed me to see it. He's fast tho, one cry and he's done and it's over with. Wish I was so lucky! Thanks guys!

    p.s. I have called my difficult child 3 times now and left her a message to call me. I'm sure she is PO'd, so won't call. I have tried to entice her to call telling her (the truth) that she left a couple of items she might want such as her HUNTING KNIFE she kept in between the mattress! :faint: I really want to know what her plans are, she mentioned maybe leaving town, if so, I'll be a bit more persistant with CPS, hoping they can set some sort of legal visitation with our Grandson so that we can at least keep an eye on him. In TX there are no Grandparents rights.
     
  20. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I like that you were both able to hug and say you love each other, despite your difference when she left. That is very important. You have done all you could, now it's up to her. Detatch, live your life and let her live hers.
     
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