You guys told me-- D C always come back--Please advise

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks, Albatross. I have not texted yet. I still go over a loooonnnngggg litany of things I want to say, lol. while knowing I should not.

The thing is, when he texted husband and me a week ago with I love you's, I firmly believe he was just setting the stage for this morning. He may have even thought, I'll go a week before contacting them again. When he used to ask for money, he would always call/text first with something he read in the news, etc. Setting the stage, so to say. We always knew to expect a plea for help in the next few hours. It has been a pattern.

My heart hurts for him. Meaness/mental illness/addiction. A little/lot of each. And, nothing husband and I have offered has helped one iota.

husband and I are battening down for what comes next and our tools include so much we have learned here. Sit on our lips, keep our side of the street clean, keep it short & sweet, boundaries, write down what we will say.

Today, we did okay. I probably had 4 hours sleep last night, tops. husband did all the driving to a state park about an hour from here. We each had coffee and lemon icebox pie with a gorgeous mountain view. and, guess what, at the next table was a former college roommate and her husband! I kid you not!! Have not seen her since 1977. I was showing husband FB photos, asking him Does that person look like this photo? He kinda thought so, so I walked over and asked. We had a nice 30 min visit with tentative plans to meet up soon. That was a wonderfully unexpected surprise.

A feral cat we sometimes see crossing our yard suddenly appeared pregnant a few days ago. We started putting out food and water and milk each day and she devours it. She is lounging on the patio right now. We don't need more cats, but it does our hearts good to help a creature that benefits from our offer.

Another thing, hours from those texts has brought so much more clarity. I guess, with a good night's sleep, tomorrow will even be clearer.

I love this forum. Two years ago, I dare say husband and I would be freaking out, rushing into to try to "help" Difficult Child once again - to no avail.

SS

 

[SeekingStrength]

It is suspicious that he claims to be clean for eight months, but never called THEN, but suddenly now? Was he really clean? Ever? They never tell the truth when they are using drugs. Take THAT to the bank.

Oh SWOT, we know! that is included in my imaginary text I not sending: You need to start with being honest with yourself and others.

I have had to snap myself out of thinking of all the stuff I WANT to say. There is a truckload.

 

[Tanya M]

Well...I might be off base, but I would guess that he had your forgiveness long before he texted. Without forgiveness I think we would all be eaten alive inside. That doesn't mean we rush right back into that burning building. Is that what he means by forgiveness?

Our Difficult Child just don't get it when it comes to forgiveness. They confuse forgiveness and trust, thinking they are one in the same.
My son has done so many really horrible things that I have forgiven him for but trust him????? Earning my trust back, well let's just say the list is really long. The other part of forgiveness they don't understand is the forgiveness is for US not them. By forgiving we free ourselves from the pain they have caused.
You are so correct Albatross that without forgiveness we would be eaten alive inside.

 

[JulieAnn]

Hey JulieAnn,

Thinking about you this evening. What worries/scares us the most just does not happen. Easy to say when it is someone else, but that is when I am most objective & sensible.

Isn't that the truth!

Thank you SS. Yes, have to quit dwelling on worst case scenerios.

I don't know what's worse....3 a.m. calls or no calls.

I hope the best for you and your husband.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Perhaps later today I will text him that we love him and recommend him finding a 12-step group and a counselor and that we know he can kick this. (That sound good to you folks?)

Yes.

He apologized for telling his father to go to hell
remembers me reading to him as a child and laughter
needs forgiveness
girlfriend has broken up with him
was clean for 8 months, now addicted again because of gout and pain pills

Be very careful now. Know how to recognize FOG when that is where you are. He does need forgiveness. That does not mean you get to enable. The other things are just facts, are just things that have happened, and can be safely disregarded.

It helped me to say this to myself regarding either of my children: I love you too much to watch you self destruct and I am not going to help you do it.

That got me standing up.

For him: Addiction is a terrible thing. We know you can beat this. We will be there when you come out the other side. Addiction is a battle you can win. You are worth it. I know you can do this. I love you.

For you and your husband Seeking, know we are all right here for you both. Whatever direction your son takes himself now, there will be ups and downs and hope and relapse but you are changing the parameters, you are making space for a new thing to happen, by changing your responses.

That is alot to do, alot of change to create.

I know everyone else is going to say this is enabling, but I think knowing we are prepared helps us sleep well and stay strong and feel that we have some control, so I would: Learn about Christian-based treatment centers. Find one your son could fund himself. Know their success rate, visit the facility, become familiar with the facility, keep their intake number at the ready.

This is to help you.

It will be better not to give your son even a clue about any of this. Don't breathe a word of it. If the day ever comes that he is decides to get help you will be ready. In the interim, you will be strong enough to do nothing ~ absolutely nothing ~ to help him (to enable) because you will not be helpless. The responsibility for what happens next must rest with your son. You have no responsibility and you have no control or he would not be where he is now.

But that is okay.

It is going to be a chaotic ride.

Our son told me once that when he was in the midst of addiction, there were dry days when he could not find any drug, anywhere, and he suffered. When he was clean for a time? It seemed like he would stumble over piles of it just lying in the streets for free.

Very hard for all of us that our children are in these positions.

We don't get to enable.

It's so scary Seeking, but remember that piece Echolette posted about relationship: Whatever is happening is okay. You will know how to handle yourselves. Relationships are long...there is no such thing as ruining them or missing an opportunity in a single moment. If he has changed and is reaching out, there will be more. If he is being manipulative, you have created space and strength and will recognize it and protect yourself.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

Seeking,
You are always thoughtful in your responses, and I'm sure whatever you choose or have chosen will be right. I am with you and the others that 3 AM texts are full on Difficult Child behavior , and do not bode well for a change of heart.
I agree with a 24 hour or longer pause before responding. That is always always a good thing.
And..I suggest you resist giving him advice, which engages you in the problem... Just 'that sounds hard. I'm sorry this is happening to you' or something blandly sympathetic and noncommittal.
And.. I'd bundle up all the correspondence from his know it all girlfriend and send it to her with a big 'no you di int!' On the outside(I personally like to get hostile with the Difficult Child hangers on, especially those who feel it is their place to explain my son to me)
Hugs, Seeking. You and husband aw doing really really well.
Echo

 

[Childofmine]

SS, I'm just coming to this update this morning. I hate those middle of the night phone calls, missed calls, voice mails and texts. That is why I keep my phone in the kitchen charging. WHATEVER happens in this world, I don't need to know it until 5 a.m.

I still go over a loooonnnngggg litany of things I want to say, lol. while knowing I should not.

Yes...the circular thinking and what you want to say and what he says and then what you would say...agh. Here is my remedy for that: Sit at your computer and type as fast as you can every single bit of it. Just keep going until you are spent. Cry. Moan. Take a nap. This is absolutely one of the most cathartic tools I have discovered. I just did it this morning about my son's wedding. Ugh. Lots of ugliness around this wedding, and I'm not responding. Wasn't sure what I would do, so I have waited since receiving a very direct (blunt, mean, uncaring, disrespectful) email on Saturday. Could not see through the FOG that advanced. Was hurting badly. So I waited. And I cried, and I processed with trusted friends and family and husband. Still is hurting. But I am slowly getting some clarity about my response and silence is my first line of defense/offense now. Waiting. Just taking it all in, feeling it (it won't kill us even though it really hurts), not being mean right back (the way I really want to).

Ugh, this maturity stuff is hard. Lol.

My heart hurts for him

Yes of course it does. Your love never stops. We just want them to be happy and healthy. Is that too much to ask? Well....Feel your hurting heart but work hard to disconnect that from any actions you take.

Addiction is a terrible thing. We know you can beat this. We will be there when you come out the other side. Addiction is a battle you can win. You are worth it. I know you can do this. I love you.

When you are ready to talk, if you become ready to talk, this is a good thing to say. He doesn't need lists of treatment centers, places to go, shelters, bus lines, etc. Not right now. He KNOWS he can get all of that.

And by his own admission, he is back on drugs. You know and I know that when that is ongoing, there is no reasoning or talking to them. It's a fool's errand. Don't even think about putting yourself through that.

Silence. Waiting. Feeling your feelings. Writing it all down. Doing nice things for yourself. Talking it all out with trusted friends who will just listen or will give you feedback, whatever you need at that moment.

This is the path to detachment with love. Warm hugs for you. We are here for you!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thank you, COM.

I feel so badly for you as your present pain is apparent.

I am hoping things get better very soon about the wedding. husband and I have disagreements with our easy child's, but they work themselves out eventually, whereas disagreements with Difficult Child are obviously way more than mere disagreements and never get resolved. So, I am thinking that these wedding issues WILL work out in not too much time. I am certainly thinking about you and pulling for a speedy resolution.

It has already gone on longer than I would have guessed. So, that makes me think there will be a compromise for you, son and future daughter in law very soon.


I am going to try that typing-as-fast-as-I-can because that sounds therapeutic. I certainly have much to "say".

Thanks for posting, even while you are hurting.

I am sharing these with husband.

SS

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I too have learned to be silent, do nothing when dealing with some ugly issues or people or Difficult Child.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Typing it out ~ all the feelings, all the fear ~ as fast as we can is something I haven't tried.

I will do that, too.

Thank you, COM.

Cedar

 

[pasajes4]

I have no answers. His girlfriend broke up with him and he turned to drugs rather than facing the pain of the breakup and dealing with his part in it. He is still engaged in blaming others for his poor choices. You do not have to respond to him beyond what you have already said to him. Hugs for your warrior heart.

 

[Kathy813]

This is a really old thread.