"You hate her!"

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Jan 8, 2008.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Big tiff with wife this morning.

    Background: difficult child had a DUI in 2006. She paid the fine and waited out the suspension, but before you can get your license back you have to pay another $250 fee of some kind. Getting her license back is something that difficult child feels she needs to do as part of learning independence. Fair enough, and if she were to do it herself, I'd be first in line to cheer for her.

    Back to the present. wife received some money and said she wants to pay the fee for difficult child. I told her I am against it. Back and forth, then wife said, "You just hate her so much that you can't stand it for people to do something for her!"

    WHAT!? I "hate" difficult child? Is that why she's living with us? Is that why I drive her to work and meetings every day? Is that why I didn't just walk 12 years ago?

    I thought we were on the same page. But as soon as wife has a little spare cash ("her money") and difficult child has a few months sobriety she forgets that every time we do things for difficult child, it holds her back from learning to do for herself. She begged me to be the strong one with difficult child while everything was at its worst but now it's "you hate her."

    She wasn't speaking to me anymore when she dropped me at the train station. I've been seething all day. The first version of this post was the length of War and Peace before I chopped it down (I hope it makes sense). I've accomplished next to nothing and my stomach is doing flips. I don't even want to know what my blood pressure is. I am so not looking forward to going home.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You're depriving wife of looking good to her daughter. Part of her knows you're right and is absolutely resenting it to no end. I really wouldn't take the "you hate her" personally. It is the anger, resentment, guilt talking. Not the dear, sensible loving wife. I also wouldn't be surprise if your daughter didn't plant this wonderful idea in mom's ear and help with the sabotage of your relationship with your wife.

    Maybe you two could work out a compromise -- you and your wife pay for half of the re-licensing fee?

    I do understand your wife's wish to help her daughter. Hope really does spring eternal in most mothers. We can see where our child failed but will give them 1,000 chances and then one more just in case. As I'm sure you've read here, many of us want to make sure we've done everything possible to help our kids, no matter what the cost to us, our families, our lives in general.

    Hope you can find a way to talk this through. I can understand your anger and hurt after all you have gone through. You didn't deserve the comment.
  3. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    sounds like the same agruements me and my hub used to have when my step daughter was at home.every time id catch her into "something" and tell him it ws always "youre just lieing and trying to get her into trouble" then i tried the tactic of grounding her and telling him it was for a different reason than what it actually was so he wouldnt throw her out (he wouldnt have believed me anyways)and then she would go along with it and then unknown to my knowledge shed go and tell him that i didnt ground "my" daughter for the same thing and i just hated her...(but she would tell him whatever the thing was that we had decided on not "the truth"
    and now that she is out of the home living with her boyfriend that is 28 yrs old and has been busted for drugs (she is 17..and we had caught her seeing this guy when she was 13 and put a stop to it or so we thought...she would lie and act like she was dating someone else)but when i caught her seeing him again he didnt believe me so he had to learn the hard way(she went and put marks on her wrist with a disposible razor and when her father caught her doing this he grabbed her arms and pushed her against the walll...the next day she went to school and told the guidance counselor that he had shoved her against the wall ...social services put her with her maternal grandparents (supposedly)until it was investigated...which it was and no abuse found (of course)
    but in the end he decided to let her stay with them and later on we found out they where letting her live with the boyfriend and lieing to us saying she was staying there....
    and through all of this the other day he told me it was my fault she had left ....that i just kept her in trouble because i hated her
    me...the one that took and raised her like my own because her real mom abandoned her ..took her to the doctor when she was making herself sick...(he only thought she was doing it for attention)(yeh for 5 yrs ..i dont think so )took up for her when he wanted to kick her out for doing stuff with a guy that was married (differtent guy)and etc.
    so what do you do? :grrr:
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Exdh and I used to make deals to be united on certain things and he would crack so I ended up looking and feeling like the bad guy even though I was the one trying to carry out what we both agreed to in the long run. ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So, no solutions (part of the reason he is now my ex) but you have my sympathies.

  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Oh yeah, being the "bad guy" is ever so fun. That's part of the reason I'm going to be working like a dog for the next year to get services/programs/anything for difficult child so he will be able to move out after he graduates. (Either into a group home or his own place)

    husband and I have had many, many conversations about sticking to what we agreed on or at the ver least, watching how statements made to difficult child are worded. He will take difficult child to the store with him after we have BOTH told difficult child that we're not buying him any "wants" stuff because of X, Y or Z, they come home and difficult child has a new watch (his 50 gazillionth watch). Or difficult child will ask for something or to do something and after husband and I discuss it in the other room and (again) both agree, he will tell difficult child "Well, MOM said no....")

    No real words of advice here either but loads of understanding.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Been there. husband was ready to leave me because he couldn't stand me "picking on M all of the time". Silly me. He was stealing from me, destroying most everything we owned, lying, getting into fights, etc...

    I reminded him of that a few weeks ago. Not as an accusation, but more along the lines of "do you remember where we were at 5 years ago?" He thought about it, then said "Yeah, I was overprotective."


    I have a whole new set of developments to tell you all about, but I'm so conflicted I don't even know when or how to start. Maybe it's me burying my head in the sand this time. I can see why husband enjoys it so much! "No worries!"
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She's 27 and your wife wants to pay for her DUI. Um, I'm with you and I'd be seething myself. If she's 27 and still doesn't have her life together, in my opinion that's HER problem to fix. She's living with you--does she even have to pay rent? If not, or if nominal, you're already do her a big favor by allowing her back home. Also, you are raising her child. I'd call that a loving act.
    I'd do nothing to help bail her out of trouble. She's almost thirty. Frankly, I think they are too lenient on people who drink and drive. I'm in favor of jail time because they are normally repeat offenders. I know people who got DUIs and weren't supposed to own cars, but did anyways and continued to drive drunk. I wish you luck. I would try to detach from this sad situation. You can't control your wife, so I'd just let it go.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm such a witch - I'd tell wife - "Okay you get her a card, put the money in it and I'll give it to her later." Then I'd go get fired up at Sonic with their caramel coffee drinks- three would do it - I'm pretty sure it's rocket fuel disguised as an attractive "in" beverage. And then I'd 'fly' my caffeine infested self home and rain all over her parade tossing Skittles all over the house so she could taste a real rainbow - Hey brother, if she's going to live in fantasy land you may as well bring snacks.

    I really have no idea what is going through your wife's brain. And for sticking it out - BIG APPLAUSE, nae - THUNDEROUS OVATION. I mean it! Do you have any idea what your staying says for your character? And the kid is 2..tw.....twenty WHAT? And she's still living at home? (makes very drawn out face the kind where lips are stretched over extended top teeth, like a sand dried mummy) Yeah that's it. WOW!

    Do you think there is an itsy bitsy chance your wife is maybe doing this so that YOU life will be easier? (I saw that look)

    Do you think maybe she's taken total leave of her senses? (I saw her look too)

    Do you think there is ANY chance that your daughter will say "Thanks but no thanks I need to do this on my own, could you get me a bond instead?" (oh you though that was funny huh?) Stranger things have happened.

    I really don't know what to say. DIYD/DIYD huh?

    Is there a chance you can talk to your daughter and tell her that Mom wants to do this for her - but you think it would be better if she did it herself on her own? And if she does THEN she can have the money from her Mom to - (whatever?)

    I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas here -- -but I know a Mom when she wants to give a child money and especially since it was followed with that little personal attack to you. She's going to make the offer. And while it's a nice gesture - to share money with children - I think it's the wrong cause - Money good /Reasoning bad. Money for something OTHER than bailing out kid GOOD.

    Sounds like something else is bugging your wife. This would be a nice time for an evening out. Some flowers home to her - a nice "I appreciate you" note.

    I haven't had to be where you are - but I feel for ya.

    Best of Luck
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending support. Been there too. Seems when I am the strong one, H caves and vice versa. And I can and will admit that there have been times when I've undermined my dear H right in front of difficult child! He's not even her bio dad, but he loves her so much and he's actually stuck out some rough stuff with us. I really really try to hold my tongue and/or wait until we're alone - not that it's any better (H hates being told his way is the wrong way, lol).

    Also, there have been more times than I can count where difficult child has manipulated me so that I cave and H looks like the big meanie. After having had it done to me so many times, I can't believe I still sometimes fall for it. Well, not anymore though.

    I think a compromise is in order but I do think difficult child should be given the opportunity to turn down the offer first. Star had a good idea with going out alone someplace, so you can talk and not yell, Know what I mean?? Maybe splitting the difference will help motivate difficult child and also make wife feel like she's at least doing something to help difficult child back on her feet.

    It is pretty painful to see our children struggle and flounder and start at the bottom when we're fully capable of lending a hand. It killed me this morning to see difficult child scrounging around her car so she could find some change for coffee. But then I remembered that we had free coffee right upstairs in our kitchen, so there I left her in the driveway watching me with her forlorn look of despair. H slipped her a $20 the other day and the very next day she asked me for money for cigarettes. Um, no.

    I agree with you 100%, but sometimes a compromise could be just the thing.
  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Thanks for the support and advice. It has been very helpful and is appreciated more than I can say.

    As to splitting the difference, actually wife already gave difficult child a break on December's rent and an old debt to us which amounted to $150 that difficult child could have saved towards the fee, but instead spent on Christmas presents. I was opposed to that too but not so exercised about it because since although difficult child spent the money elsewhere, it was done selflessly. Still, that makes giving her the whole amount now even worse.

    Anyway, I had a talk with difficult child. I said, "First off, I don't hate you." She was very surprised that wife had said that. She said she knew I didn’t hate her. She said that she didn't make enough money to pay us rent and save up for the fee too, but that she told wife that she totally understood that she had broken trust so many times in the past and she didn't blame me for wanting to be cautious.

    I said that while being worried that she would again spend the money elsewhere was a concern, it was not the main one. I said that we need to keep in mind the ultimate goal of her being self-sufficient, and that a big part of that was setting priorities -- when you have a big obligation to meet you don't spend all your cash on expensive coffee drinks and cigarettes and then cry poor and let mom pay the bill. As to her not having enough earning power, I said OK, what can you do about that, besides cutting down on the frivolous spending? I said that if she decided to, for instance, take some classes to increase her earning potential, and asked for help with tuition, that would be completely different and I'd have no objection to helping out if I saw her doing her part. She listened attentively and thanked me sweetly. Of course, it's easier to sit through a dad lecture and say the right things after mom already paid the bill, but still, it's progress.

    So, I reported the whole conversation to wife, who remained tight-lipped. I think she understood where I'm coming from, but she didn't take back the "you hate her" comment. On the other hand she didn't yell or make any new accusations. Maybe, since she got her way, she'll mellow out in a day or two.

    Once again, thanks for listening and commenting. :salute:
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I gather that means wife gave her the $$. I'm sorry and you're right it's much easier to be sweet when you got your way.

    Who knows, maybe your daughter heard some of what you said and may even act on it. One can dream, right?

    I hope wife learns to appreciate what a good husband she has. She's lucky -- many men would have done more than just relay a conversation. That she was tightlipped is a sad statement. Good thing marriages have ups and downs, though, isn't it? May you have many ups to go with this down.
  12. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Yes, sorry I wasn't clear, wife did go ahead and give her the money.