"You have no compassion." From 36

[BusynMember]

Yesterday he didn't call me ALL DAY!!!!

What lead up to that?

36: I'm really stressed out about having to deal with ex.

Me: Well, you won in court and now I have other things to worry about and everyone who is divorced has to deal with an ex. It's not that big a deal. But I'm sorry you're feeling stressed. We all have things we worry about, but we have to deal with them anyway.

36: My problems are worse than yours.

Me: How do you know?

36: Tell me what they are.

Me: (tell him...many are money related but I never tell the kids my problems)

36: My problem is just as bad. You can AT LEAST show compassion.

Me: I did. I said "I'm sorry." How about you?

36: I'm sorry.

Me: Ok, so we both showed compassion.

36: No, you didn't! What am I supposed to do about your problem. I *said* I was sorry!!!!

Me: And so did I, but I can't help you with your ex either.

36: You have no compassion. F**** you. *slam*

I tell ya, 36 can talk circles around ya.

Really, it didn't even phase me. I hope he doesn't call me for a long time. I lost my mind for a few minutes, thinking of going to MIssouri. Yes, I'd like to see my grandson, but the price is too high.

 

[scent of cedar]

Oh, that 36!

Good for you for holding steady. It's funny, isn't it, how the feel of a thing changes, once we can see the underlying dynamic. I wonder what 36 is thinking, now that he can't hurt you as he is used to doing?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Knowing him he probably thinks that not calling me is a punishment. No, this is not a joke.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im really not sure if mine actually feels compassion or if he is really good at faking it. I know he was terrified when I was in the coma and the doctor's told them to plan my funeral or be ready for the very likely chance I would come out a vegetable. Right now he is saying all the right words but Im not convinced he really understands just what he is doing to us.

 

[Tiredof33]

I do believe that my difficult child intended his going no contact with me to be a punishment. In reality it was a much needed break for us both. It is a sad situation when a person is glad not to hear from a difficult child.

You are handling the stress well!
(((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

Trust me, I don't care how long 36 goes silent on me, but he'll call. He is very needy. However, the less I give him and the more I just listen or go silent (put phone down and do other things) the less he calls. He wants something from me that nobody can give him except himself. Very sad, really.

 

[DammitJanet]

MWM, I had a lightbulb moment when thinking about you and your grandson. Is it possible at all for you to work with both your son and the ex and bring him to stay with you for a week in the summer? Lots of kids go see their grandparents in the summer.

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, I have offered to go down and get my grandson and bring him here. 36 is afraid of ex's reaction to him being alone with me out of state and also is afraid that his son will not do well unless he is with him. He may not. He barely knows me. Another thing is, with the schedule they have, ex would have to give her approval to allow me to have him for a few of her days AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. She hates his entire family. Always did. Never told him a coherent reason why. In particular, she hates me because I give 36 his support (she doesn't know how I really feel about that "support") haha.

This very eager-to-be grandma is waiting for Julie, my sweet pastry chef, to give me a child and it may take a little while because she has some female problems, but eventually I think she will. Can't be too soon for me. She has been with her SO for 11 years and is now working part-time because they both want her to be more relaxed so that she can maybe get pregnant without taking fertility drugs. Remember...my once drug addict daughter is against most drugs now, even aspirin. But they both want a family enough to do the fertility thing if nothing else works. And Julie's child will really be my first grandchild that I can have contact with.

Janet, you are very lucky that you are so close to all your grandchildren. Oh, I know you have issues with them, but you know you are still lucky and they are lucky too to have such a loving grandma. And, frankly, I think you lucked out with your kids too. They may have issues, but they are kind to you. If I had a son as sweet to me as Corey usually is to you, heck, I wouldn't care if he lived with me either!!!! I'm sure your boy has compassion and cared when you were sooooooooo sick.

36 would freak out if anything happened to me. However, it would be more for himself. He would think that I would not be around to help him any longer. I mean, he loves me as much as he can love. But his love is limited.

Janet, thank you for your suggestion. I only wish I could. Grandson would definitely benefit from spending any time at all in our peaceful house in such a quiet, friendly town and low tension. I don't know if he will EVER come here. 36 is afraid to even drive to Chicago due to his anxiety. I have asked him to drive there many times, especially for the holidays, but he says he can't. His ex used to do the driving when they came up here.

 

[LucyB]

If he wants to go from Saint Louis to Chicago, Megabus and Amtrak are both relatively inexpensive options.

 

[BusynMember]

LucyB, you know how difficult children are. He has an excuse for everything. When I bring that up he just says ex takes all his money so he has none. So I just don't expect much from him at all. Sadly, I don't have much money myself. And I do still have a daughter at home who will go to college next year. If I had more money, yeah, I could probably manage to see my grandson. But even as cheap as it is to travel, we don't have it. 36 makes a GOOD buck. I suspect he has money, but wants to save it to buy gaming equipment for himself and his son. That is more important to him than his grandson having a relationship with us...

Can't do much about that.

 

[witzend]

Knowing him he probably thinks that not calling me is a punishment. No, this is not a joke.

I wish we could "like" on this forum!

 

[witzend]

36 makes a GOOD buck. I suspect he has money, but wants to save it to buy gaming equipment for himself and his son.

That actually made my blood run cold. Then boil. He's teaching him that having good gaming stuff is more important than anything else.

When M was about 5 years old, we had a Christmas where we were not REALLY well off financially, but doing ok. I was working a lot of nights and husband worked weekends so we didn't see a lot of each other. This would be about 1991, so we had stand alone gaming systems. husband had lost his scholarship to college in '84 because he became too wrapped up in Dungeons and Dragons, I KID YOU NOT. M was just as absorbed in them. IAC, I decided that rather than buy a bunch of decorations, and since we did our big Christmas at my parents that I would spend the money on gifts for M & L (who would spend Christmas day with her dad) and some nicer things for husband as well. I had hanging plants and wired up a hula hoop with Christmas lights and hung it like a tree and put all of the presents under it.

Christmas eve we go to my parents and did our thing there, which always had it's share of drama. My mom had "surprised" us by inviting husband's mother without saying anything to anyone and she can't stand me and would rather have been getting a meal and a cheap gift at the soup kitchen (not kidding there, either - it's what she likes for Christmas.) I was looking forward to our day together. husband and I put all of the presents we had been hiding under the tree after M went to bed. There was a huge stack of small stuff that I had not been aware of, and one very large box and a smaller one that I had not bought. When husband & I woke up in the morning super early because of some noise, M had already opened all of his gifts. He didn't ask or try to wake us or anything. I was not happy. But there was still about 20 gifts there, so I figured we still had something to look forward to. They were all "To: Dad - From: Santa". They were all video games! "Well, it wasn't much money! I got them all on sale! They're last year's games!"

And so we finally got to the big box addressed to me. It was a metal filing cabinet. And then we got to the smaller box, also for me. A frying pan. I was furious! Who buys themselves a bunch of fun presents to put under the tree and buys their wife a filing cabinet and a frying pan "to make omelets in"? I'll tell you what, I never cooked the man another omelet in his life. He couldn't think of one single thing that I might like that was for fun to put under the tree for me? You could bash that man over the head with a hint and he'd never figure out that you wanted him to go buy you something for your birthday or Christmas. Over 20 years later I finally figured out that have to tell him that if there isn't something nice for me under the tree he's going to be in trouble. I'm sure I'll have to do that again this year.

I mean for cripes sake, can he not see what I wear and carry or notice how I smell or look? But let there be a video game or computer need, we don't go without, I promise you.

Phew! Rant over...

 

[BusynMember]

Well, 36 buys hmself AND his son gaming stuff that are REALLY EXPENSIVE. Since he whines about how he has no money all the time, I asked him how he could afford a $400 Playstation 4 (and he had paid way in advance). He got belligerent and mentioned stuff like "I can't work hard for this." "I still need a life." "Son likes it" (he does) etc. etc. etc.

The point is, apparently he has money from somewhere and yet he says he has none even for clothes for son. Really???? Last year he got a $20K bonus check from work and spent almost all of it on Christmas presents for his son. I don't think he included necessities like clothes for him. Most likely it was all videogames and other toys. His ex complains that he tries to buy his son's love. That isn't really true. Not completely anyways. 36 will readily admit he is materialistic and spends money rather than saving it. I mean, a 20K bonus check is a big check yet he spent it all before Christmas.

But he can't afford gas, and he can't take the train to Chicago, and he can't do this and he can't do that. Well, I guess not. All the $$$ goes to games. This adult child makes $80K a year and this did not include his bonus. Now where he lives that's a good living and I know he has to give a lot of it to his ex, which rankles him, but I don't believe he would have nothing left over if he stopped buying toys for himself and his son. But such is the makeup of a difficult child. They tend to sabotage themselves so I have no doubt he has no money, even though he SHOULD have SOMETHING left over...

I think ya all know what I mean And, no, talks with him just get him irrate as he cuts us off and says, "I deserve to buy things for myself and J." Ok, ok. I give up! So does his father!

 

[witzend]

A $20k bonus check?!?!?!?

Next time he whines about not having money for basics or even something sensible for him or J you can say, "Well I don't know what you're going to do. You deserve to buy things like this for yourselves." Then I'd be tempted to do a mike drop with the phone...

 

[DammitJanet]

Good lord! Now dont get me wrong, I love my stuff and I grew up fairly spoiled because I was an only child in what would be considered an upper class family.

I tended to spoil my kids at Xmas because it was the only time of year I could do it. I would put stuff on layaway plus back then they were pretty young so they were thrilled with a big plastic truck. LOL. Now everyone wants expensive stuff.

My father was good to my boys too. He made sure they had all the newest Nintendo system's that came out when they were younger. I think we had all of them until the WII came out. He also got them those gameboy's when they were popular. Funny thing was the only one of mine who loved those gaming systems was my oldest. He was my computer and gaming geek. I couldnt get the other two to sit still long enough to play unless it was pouring rain outside. They might play 10 minutes a day...or less most days. Now though Jamie has his Xbox and plays it all the time. I think its a way for him to unwind from work personally.

Now all my grandchildren are game junkies. Jamie's two are really screen freaks. I had never seen a small little boy who would rather sit on the couch and play with a cell phone or tablet rather than go out and play. Even active toys I have given him gather dust. Monkey loves her tablet. I do have it loaded with educational apps and have the Kindle app on it with age appropriate books. She loves doing that. I do have to admit she has one game on there that isnt anything but fun and she got hooked on it using Billy's Kindle...Subway Surfer's. It does have one redeeming value though, her eye hand coordination has gotten a whole lot better.

Personally if your son was so set on his son having "gaming stuff" I would rather see him with a Nabi tablet and have all kinds of educational stuff on it. I love Nabi if you cant tell...lol.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But he can't afford gas, and he can't take the train to Chicago, and he can't do this and he can't do that.

Its more likely that "afford" has become a cover for other reasons. More likely, his anxiety prevents him from doing this or that... but it sounds really bad to be open about the anxiety, so he blames money.