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You know what's the worse?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640051" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Tanya, I really think your post is excellent and true. My kids have really had bad luck in the abuse department. My oldest daughter was raped at age eight, which still makes me feel like throwing up every time I think about it. Worse, she didnt' tell anyone because the grown man who did it said he'd know if she did and he'd kill her and her family and make her watch it before he killed her. He also told her nobody would believe her anyway. She sat on that until she was fourteen, long after there was any way to know who he was...he was a visitor at a party that her friend's parents threw and they didn't remember everyone who had been there so many years later. At first, Daughter self-destructed because of that, my older son's abuse of her in other ways, our divorce, her shyness, many reasons...but something inside of her was a survivor and she decided one day to stop the drugs, even the cigarettes and it has now been ten plus years, a long term relationship, her own house, paying for her own school, and a baby later and she is chosing to LIVE. Her life was not the best. She was also adopted, which is always another kink such as "Why was I given up?" But she is not only living, she chose to thrive.</p><p></p><p>My two younger kids were sexually abused by an older child we adopted. The abuse was hideous and long term. Both of these kids have never done anything bad to anyone else in their lives. They are both thriving and, even more amazing, beloved by all. I can't count how many times strangers have come up to me and my husband to rave about my fantastic two grown children. One has autism. He is so brave, he is my hero. The other has LDs, but overcame them and is in school for criminal justice. She has always had a way with people and is such a kind young women and our pride and joy. They were both adopted too.</p><p></p><p>The one problem child, ongoing, is our biological son who never had anything reallyl bad happen to him and who is entitled, judgmental, can be very, very mean, can get violent, has stolen, has alienated everyone in the family, has no friends, looks down his nose at anyone who may not make a lot of money and that is all backwards. He was a wanted child. Planned. He was doted on for six years alone. He was bright. And from infancy, he was clearly not your normal kid. He liked to hurt other kids and was not a sweet little kid. He was actually a bully and always in passive-aggressive type trouble. Although he was smart, his teachers despised him and my phone rang constantly. I tried getting him help and he never responded to it, including a stint in the hospital.</p><p></p><p>How our kids turn out does not make sense. We can have many kids, like I do, and they can all be very different. I believe it is more nature than nurture. My family genes are not good, including mine. After my son, it is puzzling to me that I even wanted other kids, but I did. Just not any of my own DNA. It turned out to be a good decision.</p><p></p><p>Do not blame yourself. Nurture is a part, but nature is in my opinion (and in the opinion of many in the psychiatric community) even stronger than nurture. Nurture is a part. Nature is the core. Many adopted kids are so much like their biological parents that don't meet until they are twenty or thirty that it is astonishing. Because of my experience with the adoption community, I have learned how strong nature is. I probably blame myself less for difficult child's behavior than most do. I don't look back at "What did I do wrong?" I did things wrong, but nothing that would justify a person who is as callous as my difficult child. However, many of my DNA relatives are just as callous as he is, even though we don't get along well and he has barely had contact with most of them. When I do feel guilty, and it happens, it is more like this: "Why was I so stupid to risk my DNA and give birth to a child? It's not like I was unaware of how crazy my DNA collection is...poor kid never had a chance." I have never stopped beating myself up over this. I was never naive or fooled that my family was in any way normal or that I didn't have problems too. So this is still an issue for me in the guilt department...I caused it by choosing to give birth. It's a tough one.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640051, member: 1550"] Tanya, I really think your post is excellent and true. My kids have really had bad luck in the abuse department. My oldest daughter was raped at age eight, which still makes me feel like throwing up every time I think about it. Worse, she didnt' tell anyone because the grown man who did it said he'd know if she did and he'd kill her and her family and make her watch it before he killed her. He also told her nobody would believe her anyway. She sat on that until she was fourteen, long after there was any way to know who he was...he was a visitor at a party that her friend's parents threw and they didn't remember everyone who had been there so many years later. At first, Daughter self-destructed because of that, my older son's abuse of her in other ways, our divorce, her shyness, many reasons...but something inside of her was a survivor and she decided one day to stop the drugs, even the cigarettes and it has now been ten plus years, a long term relationship, her own house, paying for her own school, and a baby later and she is chosing to LIVE. Her life was not the best. She was also adopted, which is always another kink such as "Why was I given up?" But she is not only living, she chose to thrive. My two younger kids were sexually abused by an older child we adopted. The abuse was hideous and long term. Both of these kids have never done anything bad to anyone else in their lives. They are both thriving and, even more amazing, beloved by all. I can't count how many times strangers have come up to me and my husband to rave about my fantastic two grown children. One has autism. He is so brave, he is my hero. The other has LDs, but overcame them and is in school for criminal justice. She has always had a way with people and is such a kind young women and our pride and joy. They were both adopted too. The one problem child, ongoing, is our biological son who never had anything reallyl bad happen to him and who is entitled, judgmental, can be very, very mean, can get violent, has stolen, has alienated everyone in the family, has no friends, looks down his nose at anyone who may not make a lot of money and that is all backwards. He was a wanted child. Planned. He was doted on for six years alone. He was bright. And from infancy, he was clearly not your normal kid. He liked to hurt other kids and was not a sweet little kid. He was actually a bully and always in passive-aggressive type trouble. Although he was smart, his teachers despised him and my phone rang constantly. I tried getting him help and he never responded to it, including a stint in the hospital. How our kids turn out does not make sense. We can have many kids, like I do, and they can all be very different. I believe it is more nature than nurture. My family genes are not good, including mine. After my son, it is puzzling to me that I even wanted other kids, but I did. Just not any of my own DNA. It turned out to be a good decision. Do not blame yourself. Nurture is a part, but nature is in my opinion (and in the opinion of many in the psychiatric community) even stronger than nurture. Nurture is a part. Nature is the core. Many adopted kids are so much like their biological parents that don't meet until they are twenty or thirty that it is astonishing. Because of my experience with the adoption community, I have learned how strong nature is. I probably blame myself less for difficult child's behavior than most do. I don't look back at "What did I do wrong?" I did things wrong, but nothing that would justify a person who is as callous as my difficult child. However, many of my DNA relatives are just as callous as he is, even though we don't get along well and he has barely had contact with most of them. When I do feel guilty, and it happens, it is more like this: "Why was I so stupid to risk my DNA and give birth to a child? It's not like I was unaware of how crazy my DNA collection is...poor kid never had a chance." I have never stopped beating myself up over this. I was never naive or fooled that my family was in any way normal or that I didn't have problems too. So this is still an issue for me in the guilt department...I caused it by choosing to give birth. It's a tough one. [/QUOTE]
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