You Will NOT Believe This!!!

[DaisyFace]

I have been venting alot about my difficult child....and it's the same darn stuff over and over and over. And difficult child's logic that makes it all OK....and her complete lack of motivation to change anything. And her absolute refusal to take medications, or cooperate with therapy. UUGGHHH!!! I know that so many of you can relate to that feeling of banging your head against the wall and getting nowhere with these kids.

As you may remember, difficult child has managed to pluck out all of her eyelashes. She also still wears a ton of eye makeup....but it looks very strange because she puts on dark, heavy eyeshadow, thick black eyeliner...and then leaves a little "gap" at the edges of her eyelids. It's very weird looking...

And even though she denies it - it must bother difficult child a lot. I found her agenda (in which she is supposed to be writing down homework, but isn't...that's another story) and here and there on the calendar she has written in "Stop Picking Eyelashes!". So stopping the picking and pulling seems to be one of her goals.

Yesterday was her appointment with the psychiatrist. In the psychiatrist's office, I was seated across the room from difficult child and watched difficult child as she spoke to the doctor. She was pulling the hairs out of her head one by one. She would reach up, feel around a moment, find a hair, twirl it around a finger and then *pluck*. She was doing this continuously as she sat in front of the psychiatrist.

Reach--twirl--*pluck*.
Reach--twirl--*pluck*.
Reach--twirl--*pluck*.

Finally, I spoke up and told her that the psychiatrist might be able to help her with the hair-pulling thing. psychiatrist was immediately interested and had all kinds of questions for difficult child.

Reach--twirl--*pluck*.

How long have you been pulling your hair out? he asked.

Reach--twirl--*pluck*.
Reach--twirl--*pluck*.

"O" said difficult child "I stopped pulling out my hair years ago. It's not a problem."

Reach--twirl--*pluck*.
Reach--twirl--*pluck*.
Reach--twirl--*pluck*.

I told her that we've been sitting there watching her pull out her hair as she sat in the chair for the last fifteen minutes.

Reach--twirl....

"What?"

You've been pulling out your hair the whole time we've been in the office.

"O" explains difficult child "Those were just the hairs that were annoying me."

So doctor asked her all kind of questions about pulling her hair and picking out her eyelashes and chewing her fingernails down to little nubs.

And, (sit down for this one)

difficult child

asked

for

help

!!!

She talked to psychiatrist about whether there were any medications that might help her stop picking and chewing at herself. psychiatrist talked to her about how she was non-compliant with medications in the past and how could he be sure that she would follow instructions now and he wasn't going to write her a script if she wasn't going to take the medication correctly.

Well, difficult child had to convince him that she was serious AND she promised up and down to take the medications as prescribed.



I almost fell out of my chair!

Then, on the way home - difficult child wanted me to stop and get the script filled right away!!

I am stunned!

(Insert sound of angels singing)

husband could not believe it either. He was absolutely speechless.



Dare we hope that difficult child is finally motivated to cooperate with something???

 

[AnnieO]

OH WOW!!!!!

We can hope, right?!

...How do you get to sit in on appointments with the psychiatrist? Even when the kids were 8 and 5, it was them and the doctor. Not sure I want to, just wondering.

 

[Josie]

I'm glad she has found some motivation. What medication did he prescribe?

I hope she can stop the hair pulling and it will work in other ways, too.

Step, I can't believe any psychiatrist would see a child for medications without the parent there! The only time I wasn't there is if it was for talk therapy or CBT only.

 

[Bunny]

I'm hoping that she takes the medications. Maybe miracles do happen with difficult children?

Pam

 

[HaoZi]

I would wonder which boy it is she has a crush on that she's suddenly concerned with it, and hope he's not a difficult child, too.

 

[Marguerite]

You described that so well! What amazes me, is the doctor still didn't seem to be seeing it. But the doctor does sound good in the way he followed through.

WHatever the motivation - it seems at least a baby step in the right direction.

As for difficult child love interests - we had to accept those long ago. And difficult child buddies. These kids find one another, and find soul mates in one another. I was warned off difficult child 1's best friends at school and personally was not very impressed with most of them. But the kid we were warned of the most, was the one I never banned. I love the guy and have never had a problem with him (apart form him being inappropriate at times).

When you have a difficult child kid, your standards for their friends have to be more rubbery.

Marg

 

[HaoZi]

I've only kept mine away from one, because every time she hung out with this girl this girl would get her to do things with her that would not only get them in trouble but were potentially dangerous (like playing in the cooking fires at summer camp). Luckily all the adults there were aware of this issue with the other girl and kept a close watch.

But mostly, when any 15 year old girl has sudden concerns about her appearance, my first thought is "Who is he? A relationship or an interest? Good influence or no?"

 

[Marguerite]

HaoZi, when difficult child 1 had friends who led him astray or who behaved badly in our home, I banned them from our home. They could talk to difficult child 1 outside, or he could come in and ask for an exemption. The friends eventually earned back the right to come inside.

It is important to avoid driving the problems underground, however. When difficult child 1's banned friends came round, I would still serve them snacks in the front yard on the picnic table, and I would often sit and drink coffee wile they all talked. I stayed quiet and kept my ears open - then talked to difficult child 1 about it later, role-playing possibilities. Also there were times when I drove difficult child 1 to meet his friends at the mall. One time, one of difficult child 1's friends wanted to tell me a very dirty joke to see how I would react. I stayed calm, did not react as other parents would, and totally embarrassed the guy with my public response. None of the difficult child friends ever tried anything like that again! But it did give me "cool cred" with them, which I think (I hope) influenced them to get back into my good books a bit more.

I've always made a point of being around when my kids had friends over. It got to the point where I had various difficult child friends ringing me up for advice, sometimes in the middle of the night. Or one of my kids would ask me, "Can so-and-so ring you and talk?" I felt sad that they didn't feel they could talk to their own parents. I did encourage them to talk to their parents, but sadly, it often backfired. I did successfully (a few times) suggest to a kid that they ask their parents to get them professional counselling. I never took the place of a professional, but would refer on as soon as it became obvious that the problem was not anything I should be touching. I don't advise becoming a counsellor to your kids' friends. Just saying, if it begins to happen at even a mild level, it actually is a good sign. Just don't get caught up in it, extricate yourself from it as soon as you can.

If you have a difficult child, chances are their friends will also be difficult children. Few PCs hang out long-term with a difficult child. Love the ones that do. But somewhere in such PCs, will be the kernel of GFGness that helps them identify with your child. Love that, too.

Marg

 

[HaoZi]

She was 7 or so at the time, and the only place she saw this girl was at a week long summer camp. Being a difficult child myself I know one of the most important supports I had at her age were friends like me - all different but in their own way, and we grew our "rhino skin" together. She hasn't really made many friends at all, and none that live nearby. She's working on it. One thing I have noticed about her, and I'm not sure if it's a difficult child thing or just because of where we live, but she doesn't really notice outward differences in people. I grew up in the south where you see a lot of racism. I wasn't raised that way, but I knew a lot of kids that were. I didn't have to teach Hibernator to look past differences like that - she sees inside differences instead. She's not blind to obvious physical handicaps, she seems to relate to those kids better though.

Anyway, we're off topic. My "Who is he?" question is as much a nudge-nudge-wink-wink thing as it is anything else. I'm happy for DF.

 

[Marguerite]

DaisyFace, is there a chance there could be a boy she wants to look good for? If so, it could be good (but subtle) leverage. Softly, softly...

Marg

 

[susiestar]

Never underestimate the power of a teen's desire to look attractive to the opposite sex. I imagine she would be/will be horrified to find bald spots from the hair removal. The thought of that, and the reaction of whatever boy who has caught her eye when he sees her with bald spots, just might be what she needs to be medication compliant and to take an interest in things like bathing and changing her underwear daily. I am glad she wants to take medications to help with this. What medication did the doctor give her?

 

[Wiped Out]

Whatever the motivation, crossing my fingers it continues and that, of course, she becomes more cooperative in all areas

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Here are the angels singing....

I certainly hope this is the beginning of self awareness.

Sharon

 

[AnnieO]

Hmm, OK. Well... Way-back-when, Onyxx went to a counselor who put her on Zoloft and Seroquel together, BM never went in.

And the kids' psychiatrists are talk only. husband has gone in with Onyxx when she was on medications (that she didn't take anyway, so why bother...)

 

[DaisyFace]

You described that so well! What amazes me, is the doctor still didn't seem to be seeing it. But the doctor does sound good in the way he followed through.

Marg

The psychiatrist didn't see it because he spends the appointment with his nose in difficult child's chart - seriously. He sits at his desk with the chart and the appointment schedule on his computer screen. psychiatrist looks for each date that difficult child had an appointment with the therapist, and then psychiatrist refers to the chart to read the notes from the session and then asks difficult child about it. He's very thorough. I like him a lot.

 

[DaisyFace]

Never underestimate the power of a teen's desire to look attractive to the opposite sex. I imagine she would be/will be horrified to find bald spots from the hair removal. The thought of that, and the reaction of whatever boy who has caught her eye when he sees her with bald spots, just might be what she needs to be medication compliant and to take an interest in things like bathing and changing her underwear daily.

Lucky for difficult child, she manages to pull hair pretty evenly all over her scalp. Even weirder - it has prevented a "natural consequence". Because she does not shampoo as frequently as she should, her naturally think hair should be hanging in thick, greasy clumps. Instead, she has thinned it so much with the pulling that the greasiness does not really show.

But yes, I am hopeful that this is the start of something...

 

[DaisyFace]

Ugh!!!

I just typed out this really long response where I responded to everyone else and now it's gone...

So let me just say thank you, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this is the start of a positive new direction for difficult child.

If it's for a boy? Well, I'm sure she's got her eye on someone...

The medication they are going to try with her is Zoloft. We'll see how it goes.