Young Adult Frustration

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ton, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. Ton

    Ton New Member

    Im new here and beyond frustrated as many
    have 21 year old YM that has stolen now from us for the 4th time. has been charged with shoplifting from local store. appears to be having issues with alcohol and or drugs, comes home very hostile at times and has altercations with younger bro 19 (fist fights). been arrested 2 times once when 17 and when 20 for operating motor vehicale with controlled substance (charges droped as other passnger had the MJ on self) but he knew. Was kicked out of private HS for failing MJ test several times. Been aressted for having open container in moving vehical (court date soon, police plan to drop the charge to grant a break to the driver being charged with DUI) Lies even when he knows you have fact. interveriews with police with a smerk of ignorance on his face, while asked about providing alcohol to underage and the open container. flunked out of universtiy, most of the time did not show to class. Refuses to accept he has issues with alcohol or drugs, and will not go to rehab. Had police called to my home when underage drinking was reported, found as we returned home (no one is allowed in the home without our knowledge is a rule). No real job, always states I am working on interview, or works at a job for a day or two and then...nothing ( and has a $30,000 student loan yours truely cosigned for when I thought he was serious and focused has paid back about $200 on own). Has been recenlty (2 weeks) kick out of house for many of the repeated issues. the last theft from us was around $1500. His younger bro 19 is starting to follow in this YM footsteps another issue that is too overwhelming to add on top of the above.

    As I have read on the forum:

    1) I could report the transaction on my CC as illegal and file a police report, having him most likley doing time in county jail. Making him not only responsible but accountable for his theft, as he was told not to use our CC for anything previously (how he obtained number i do not know but recently cancled that CC)

    2) speak with the Judge and or prosecuter on upcomming court date to set a condition that he go to rehab making him responsible for his actions and ultimatley responsible for what happends next.

    3) tell him he has a choice rehab or jail and I report the CC incident as illegal transaction contact police and off he goes. forced decision on his part.

    This revealing is not about the money stolen, not about the past behavior, its about a 21 YM that we truely love that is destroying his life with his poor descisions continuously.

    I know the main answere to my question here is I need to let go. but knowing my makeup when I let go it tends to be for good.

    We have been married over 20yrs, have given both boys worlds of opportunity, a home and support thru childhood and the teenage years. The level of disrespect and trouble of the older YM was apparent a while ago and we attempted to address thru counsolers to no avail. Its creating such a division between us at this point that own marriage is being compromised now.

    Please feel free if you can add any type of advise.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I believe with all my heart, and I know the others do too, that you have given this child the world. Many of us have done the same and were/are puzzled when our kids started doing the stuff your son is doing. I don't really consider it our faults unless we forced alcohol and pills down their throats. As I now know, it is very much the "norm" (ahem) for kids using drugs to steal, lie, have no scruples and self-destruct. It is part of drug abuse/alcohol abuse. Anyone who has a kid who abuses alcohol or drugs knows EXACTLY what you are going through.

    You seem to know what is the best thing to do and, yes, the hard part is doing it. Also, please understand any of these kids can turn around and decide, I"m done living this way." Many on here have. I will not name names, but I have hope for several who are still kind of doing well then's the process. My daughter would quit then start again, especially under peer pressure and it took her several attempts and a trip out of our state to finally get her to quit, and, when she did, it was her decision.

    Don't enable and never give up hope either. Take good care of yourself. At the very worst times, when I didn't think my daughter was going to even live to see 21, I went to narc-anon meetings where I felt the parents understood and at least had my back and where they could give me strength. You absolutely have to take care of yourself and try enjoying your other loved ones who are not giving you grief right now. Don't try to do it alone and don't forget that you're important too. Gentle hugs.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Ton. I'm glad you found us. Your situation is sad, many of us are or have been in your shoes, so we can empathize and offer understanding. You seem to be on the right track, my best advice would be to find support for yourself and the rest of your family. You may also want to copy and paste this post onto the Substance Abuse forum here on this site, those parents are well versed in drugs and alcohol and can really give you specific support for what you are dealing with.

    Letting go, detachment and ultimately acceptance are a real roller coaster ride. Your best bet would be to get in some group, family anonymous, al anon, or any 12 step group for parents, many here have gained solace and felt compassionate understanding at these groups. It's important to learn ways to make a difference in your own life so you can let go and find your joy and your peace once again. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by your sons behavior. It is his life, not yours. You deserve to be happy and have peace of mind.

    I hope you keep posting, it helps to vent and let it out in a place where others really 'get it.' It's a heartache like no other, and yet even though many of us know that, it still becomes imperative for most of us to let go. With all your best efforts as a parent, sometimes they still go off the rails. Hang in there, get yourself some support, build a support system for YOU, keep posting..............I wish you peace and send you hugs..........
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I read your post but I didnt read the other posters replies because I felt I needed to reply to you without anything blurring my thoughts.

    I think you need to press charges on the theft of your funds...I take it they were done on a credit card. Let the credit card company go after him for fraud or whatever it is. You say your son is 21. He knows right from wrong.

    I can tell you this because I did what Im telling you to do at the exact same age to my son. My son stole my checkbook and forged $1500 in checks from me. I had him arrested and because he did it in 3 separate checks, he got 3 separate felonies.

    The fact that I charged him and he got convicted put a stop on his downslide. I think I saved his life to be frank. He would probably be in prison today for heaven only knows what. Instead he is on the adventure of a lifetime with a really great job he managed to land. He pulled himself back up after several really miserable years. Now he is the happiest young man around. We are so proud of the changes he made in himself.

    We had to stop him. You have the power to stop your son. He may not like you right then but he will know you did what you had to do. My son will tell anyone that we did the right thing in charging him. He wishes we hadnt had to but he knows he did the wrong thing in stealing from us.
  5. Ton - I think you should report this to the police or the credit card company and let them press charges and investigate. He has not learned his lesson in the past and won't in the future unless he feels the consequences ofhis actions. The longer he is protected from those consequences the harder it will be for him to learn.

    I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It isn't easy, especially when you feel you were good parents and did what you could for your children in raising them well. It is heartbreaking and frustrating.

    Better he learns these lessons now than later. And don't let this tear your marriage apart. It is a lot of stress and we tend to take our pain and anger and stress out on those we love and are most comfortable with. Try instead to have difficult child free dinners or days even where you refuse to allow his actions to creep in and infect your relationship. Getting back some peace and some enjoyment will help a lot. That is what my husband and I try to do.

    Please come back and post again. The people here are wonderful, supportive and knowledgable and have gotten me through the last year. I'm very thankful for them and you will be too.
  6. Ton

    Ton New Member

    What makes me more concerned is my wife, although she states she is on board with my actions going forward she is not really serious! As when I mentioned my plan to report the theft to cc card co. She thinks I am going over board...destroying his life....when I state I am not saying I am perfect I had my issues growing up, but don't you think when you are in trouble with law you change your actions, clean your act up! My wife states we all hear how you are perfect! My younger son will be going to court soon and loose his lic for DUI, no consequence at home, I want to take away the car it will soon be gone anyway! She states to him don't use the car, where is the car last night out. YS went on errand! Came home intoxicated 3 nights before and slept on the kitchen floor! No nothing said by her but oh YS! Need consequences at home as well! Everyone in my immediate family now has or is having major issues now with the law, DUI or some other dependency issue. Maybe because I do not have arrests, DUI's, theft my eyes that's not perfect it's normal expected and appropriate behavior.

    *And for some reason I still feel its my fault!
  7. Ton

    Ton New Member

    Thanks to everyone for your input! Now I need to get my wife on board!
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Some parents have problems dealing with their child's problems because they have the same problems... Know what I mean?? Even if the adult has it more "under control", the genetics still drive a lot of this. That isn't a doom-and-gloom statement - there ARE things that help in most cases. Enabling isn't one of them, though. Sounds like you have your hands full... and then some.